drugs ruined my life dont know whats next

[warender21]

my whole life i wanted to join the army. then in high school strted hanging out with wrong kids well i finally went to all the recruiters and found out that my old drug inccidents disqualified me. now i feel horrible i dont know what ill do for the rest of my life. ive done far more drugs then what showed up on those papers. i even tried to quit once, nothing helped. i was hoping military would keep me away from drugs and id be fighting for my country and finally be able to live with myself. now i have an addiction out of the depression of knowing ill forever be stuck with jobs ill hate and be miserable for ever. i feel hopeless and since i found out i couldnt join i think my drug use has tripled now im taking ocycottin, dxm, and smoking herb all at once all day long for a few years. i feel terrible the drugs dont help much because even though i dont feel as depressed when retarded high, when im off them i just feel terrible. i really dont think rehab will work in my case because of the fact that i know if i get clean ill end up getting a job i hate and no matter what ill just wanna get back on the drugs and hell seing that national gaurd advertisement to the left on this site just makes me want to kill myself. my whole family is fighting and i cant i feel like ive let down my family i am the pararsite to a perfect family. i hate my life, i hate drugs, and most of all i hate that i cant do anything about any of it. i dont know what to do no matter what i do i end up more depressed and miserable. my family has disowned me. i dont know what to do and i know as much drugs as im always on i dont have long to figure out. please anyone whose gone through something similar please help me. i would see somebody if i could afford it and i know i wont be able to afford the medications even if i could see somebody. suicide runs through my mind constantly.

[JR714]

CONGRATS!!!!!!!  They will take good care of you there.  They will probably give you meds while your there to help ease some of the w/d's symptoms.  Someone who has actually been to rehab might chime in.  

GOOD LUCK, and check in with us if you can!

[warender21]

i found a guy who can take me to rehab hes going to pick me up in an hour. its scary tho i know imma be in pain there. today is the first day of the rest of my life. its pretty nice of a guy to give me a ride there whos never even met me before. will they let me use a computer in rehabs? is there any? if there is ill let yall know what is happening in a few days.

[JR714]

Let me first start off by saying I know how you feel!  I've been struggling with addiction for years now.  I've successfully tapered off of them once.  About 3 years ago, and it was because I was getting shipped off to boot camp for the Army.  I like you was caught up in a mess...and I thought that plucking myself out of where I was at, breaking all ties and contact with the people that fed my addiction was the answer.  Did It work?  Yes It did...for the time being.  I went throught regular boot camp (basic combat training as the Army calls it), then I did special operations training in Ft. Bragg, NC.  I live in CA.  So I was on the oposite side of the country.  I thought those days were over for me...i'm going to be clean and sober forever now.  Soon as I got home from training, I only had 3 months til I was getting sent to Afghanistan with the 101st Airborne.  It was almost the day after I got home, I found an old pill bottle, and immediately starting thinking back to all the stuff I used to do, how it made me feel.  What fun I had doing this and that while messed up on pills.  All my old friends started coming around to see me since I've been gone for the last year, and stupid me...asked every one of them for something.  I just wanted to see how it felt since its been so long.  My tolerance dropped while I was gone training, so when I took 2 norco's, i was pretty high.  I loved the feeling...very familiar feeling.  And I was right back to where I was when I left.  Almost instantly!  
I messed around with pills almost right up til the day I went to the airport to ship off to Ft. Dix, NJ, and then onto Aftghanistan.  I did what I had to do there...Trust me, unless your on the FOB all day, its no picnic.  We were out in local populations all day and night.  We got shot at, blown up, ambushed, and I lost my best friend and teammate there in the first month!  It *****!  
Soon as I got back home...same story.  Starting using almost right away!  I was struggling dealing with all that I've had to go through for the past 12 months.  No one understood me.  I was angry alot!  I felt that pills calmed me down.  
Here I am today...its been about a year and a half since I've been back, and I'm once again trying to taper off of norco's.  I was eatting 30+ pills a day!  I just started, but I'm down to around 22 a day.  You need to have the will to survive!  Trust me...I know all about it.  I had to fight for my life in another country, and I must say, at times it seemed easier then this.  So what you have ahead of you is going to be very difficult, and once you do accomplish it, you will be very proud!  I will be proud!  
You need to want this for youself!  And if you do, you need to follow through 110%!  
Keep posting on here...the people on here can be tons of motivation to get you heading in the right direction!  They have helped me a ton, just like my brothers have on the battlefield when times got tough.  
I wish you all the best of luck, and I really do hope you decide to fight through this.  You deserve it!  

JR

[refusingbondage]

That's not necessarily true.  Ive learned that most times AA will accept anyone with an addiction. Yes is an alcohol based program, but most AA programs are very welcoming.  I cant imagine them turning you away.  If they are good people they will understand your struggles.  The message is the same in both NA and AA.  Its worth a try.  Help is available if you seek it out.  

[warender21]

i live in farm country... which is why NA is going to be hard for me to get to. probally should have added that ealier. and no i didnt call i didnt even think about calling them i just looked up the address and locaation. the reason i said day by day is cuz i dont wanna get in trouble with law, you probally know what i do and its not prostitution either. im going to call them and ask if there is somebody willing to give me rides cuz i think id die trying to walk to a NA from  
this place its almost 9 miles away. and its not that i havnt wanted to get help calamity2 its that i havnt found a way to yet. by the way i dont drink, i cant drink cuz of the oxy so i dont think theyd want a person who doesnt drink in AA, anyways let you know how the call goes

[Calamity2]

You find ways on a day by day basis.  Ummmmm sound like another program I heard of. Oh Yeah !  One day at a time.  Yes warender I'm calling you on your bs honey. How far exactly is the nearest N.A or AA meeting from you ?  Have you even called either number to see if there is anyone available to come pick you up and take you to a meeting. I'm pretty sure and you can tell me I'm wrong if I am, that if a bottle of oxy were at the same place the NA or AA meeting is you would find a way to get there come heck  or high water.  You have to want soberity and work for it as hard as you have feeding your addiction.

[warender21]

no i find ways to afford usually on a day by day basis, i really dont have a drug of choice cuz im on 3 at all times (including now). but if i had to choose only 1 to do i think it would be the oxy cuz i feel terrible when im not on it emotionally and physically. i looked into NA but i live way too far from the closest one i could find online. not allowed to drive they took my licence away and i have nobody to get rides from. my family and i havnt talked in over 2 years and i can honestly say i dont remember phone numbers. i suppose i could walk to my dads house hes closest but hes a 14 or so hour walk from me and i dont think i have the health to walk that far anymore. does anyone know of any people i can call for help or places  
with a program online if they exist. so far this websites brought me closer to reality its hard to explain maybe its cuz im thinking so much right now. my brain feels like its being overclocked

[lmccoy]

I think these are three of the best posts I'v ever read. Warender, I hope you are able to fight your personal battles first, they will be the ones that take the most bravery

[refusingbondage]

Hello there.  Like the above posts say, you have to take this one day at a time.  Let me first say that the military is not necessarily an easy way to stay sober and drug free. In fact a LOT of men and women come back with big habits.  A close friend of mine has been home from Iraq for 6 months now.  He came home with an insatiable tolerance to alcohol and is now smoking crack on a daily basis.  Most of his buddies he served with are in the same situation.  

Point is, if your an addict no matter where you are in the world you will find a way to get high.  

This is not something you fix by environment, this is something you fix within yourself.  

No matter how low you feel and how badly you think you've messed up your life, you must know that nothing is irreversible.  You CAN pick yourself up.  You CAN be happy and live a happy drug free life.  The choice is yours.  Start today.  Each day, each minute is another opportunity to change.  No one can take your choices from you.

Don't focus on a million things at a million times.  Think about today.  

Today, dont use.  

Today, start a proper detox (even if an at home detox).  

Today head to a NA or AA meeting.  

NA/AA - guess what - they are FREE and you will run into lots of people with the similar or worse stories.  There will be fellowship with people who KNOW.   Work the program and it will work for you.

Good luck and many blessings.

[CATUF]

" i really dont think rehab will work in my case because of the fact that i know if i get clean ill end up getting a job i hate . . ."

Focus only on today and doing the next right thing.  Then do the next right thing after that, and the next right thing after that.  If you keep doing the next right thing, pretty soon you'll be in the right place."

Not quite five years ago I was positive, absolutely positive, that I had ruined my life through drug addiction, that I had nothing to live for and that everyone would be better off if I was dead.  I felt completely helpless, hopeless and worthless.

I ended up in rehab and stayed there until THEY said it was safe for me to go home.  Then I made a full time job of going to meetings and working on my program of recovery.

That's what worked for me.  Work on your today and your future will take care of itself.  
You have a front row seat on the miracle of existence - don't waste it.

CATUF
1787

[Calamity2]

Hello Warender.  Do you get all of the drugs you take for free?  What is your drug of choice?  How much do you take ?  I was in the military. Believe me its not any different than the outside. No matter where you go there you are. You may think being on the battle field would be a great way to prove your manhood how brave you would be in your imagination. Well baby. (we sometimes call newcomers that in meetings) The battle you face for the freedom of yourself and your family takes just as much courage if not more.  And strength .  We can help. Your life would be so much brighter. You are full of negative stuff like I was. Still lose my serenity sometimes .