Will this vicodin addiction ever end!? So depressed

[Sosadinny]

I've been battling a vicodin addiction for 3 years. I am rxed it for pain but have built up a tolerance and am at 50mg a day which is more than my script. I also suffer from depression and anxiety. I have tried Subutex but the side effects were too much so I went back to my vice. I see a psychiatrist but nothing is working. Once I get lower than 40mg I get such bad depression and stomach cramps. I have a weak stomach and IBS so the pain is severe. Anyway, I've been so depressed and just cry everyday. I cannot believe I did this to myself and have no willpower. I don't think I will ever feel ok again. I have a beautiful family and my kids are my life and I can't even enjoy anything. I'm a shell, just lifeless. I don't have anyone to talk to about this since very few ppl know... I just need support and prayers and some success stories. I'm so bad right now. Thank you so much.

[Sosadinny]

WOW, thank you so much... I am crying reading what you wrote and aspire to get there. Thank you!!!

[lulu747]

Hey there doll-

Just wanted to pop in and offer you my support.  You WILL get through this.  I promise.  Something that really helped me was writing in my journal every morning and saying "I am doing this, I am doing this, I am doing this"  I said it aloud too.  If you say or write something three times it becomes reality.  True story.  And then, before you know it, you will be saying I DID IT!!!!
And then you will just keep doing it, one day at a time, one moment at a time.  You will unlock the gates and your authentic self will return.  Life will be there and it will be beautiful.  Sad sometimes?  Yes.  Hard?  Yes.  But you will feel empowered and if you work hard in aftercare you will uncover strength that you never knew you had.
I just want to share a short story with you.  I had terrible chronic illness and pain and lost 6 years of my life (27-33) both to illness and the addiction that came from that and the abuse and trauma I suffered in that time.  When I made my choice to jump on December 4, 2011 I never looked back.  I realized I had lost the vital parts of myself that made ME and I wanted and needed her back desperately.  And so I surrendered to detox, and surrendered over and over again in recovery.  Within two years I completely rebuilt my life into the most beautiful life that I could imagine.  When hard things came up (and they always do) I had this quiet strength that lived deep within me where I knew that no matter what, I would be okay.
This is the strength and confidence that comes from walking through the fires of hell and surviving.  And then learning to not just survive, but to thrive.  To live life on your own terms and not those dictated by the pain and suffering of addiction.
It is a beautiful thing that NO ONE can take away from you.  It is the GREATEST gift that you can ever give yourself.
YOU.
I want this for you, I want this for everyone.  Hang in there- treat yourself gently, with love, compassion, and respect.  You deserve to be happy and whole, and you WILL be.
Remember- I AM DOING THIS.
Freedom shall be yours.

xo
Lu

[Sosadinny]

Yes I have been on Paxil for 15 years as well as klonopin but never had an issue w benzos... I take 1 mg tops if needed. I think you are right with tapering slower. I am not giving myself time to adjust and getting overwhelmed. I will stay at 37 for another two days. I still kick myself for going on Subutex... But I needed to try it to see for myself. I think it's a good drug for certain people but I was dosing at a higher level than my addiction to vicodin was so I went backwards.  It's amazing how the body detoxes from every possible place it can! Ugh so now I'm 4 days off of Sub ... I took 50mg Vic 3 days ago and am at 37 now.... Which feels like nothing compared to the Subutex. My moods are everywhere... But thank God for this site. My mother lives in a different state but said she will come up in a few weeks to help me. In the meantime I will be on here a lot ... Thank you  all

[dominosarah]

You DO have the willpower but fear is keeping you down.  We all hold the key that unlocks those chains, we just have to reach around and unlock it.  Have you thought about a different psych?  Not everyone is the right fit for us.  Do you take an AD med?

[VICourageous]

First I would like to say that Addiction is a Disease and there is no willpower involved. However, we can chose the path we would like to go down and continue to work on that path. It is not are fault and we did not ask to become addicted, but it is our fault if we do not get the SUPPORT to get better!
The sweats are just part of the poisons coming out..Drinks tons of water and try to flush as much as you can..You will find that the poisons need to come out from everywhere like the nose, eyes, skin, & bathroom issues.
Just trust in the Process and maybe give your body/Brain enough time to adjust from each drop..Many of us could not do this so we just went c/t and got it over with..This way we could move on toward Recovery..YOU should be seeking some Aftercare even if you are on a Taper. The more info you can pick up on this Disease the better it is to understand what goes on in the Brain and also how these meds affect different areas of the Brain. To be at AA/NA you also get to learn alot from people who have been in your shoes and have time behind them to share what has worked for them..I do wish YOU all the Best that Life has to offer. Day by Day and be very Grateful for what you have Just for Today!!
Bless

[Pat1956100]

I agree with Merri.  You are going way too fast.  Your body needs to adjust to the drop so wait until you get comfortable on it until you drop again otherwise you are just prolonging the withdrawals and will be in them constantly.
Do you have enough pills to do a slower taper?

[Merri123]

Don't drop too fast ok. 37 yesterday and now 35 today. You are going to make yourself sick like this till you hit 0 every day.   How about waiting 3-5 days between drops? I just don't want to see you go through to much so quickly.

[Merri123]

D

[Sosadinny]

Thank you all... I cant believe how helpful you all are, and how important it is for me to have you all. I took about 37mg yesterday but was plagued with stomach cramps and in bed...unreal that im withdrawing and still on the pills... that time on Subutex really screwed me up... I cannot stand these sweats... I change clothes all night but refused to take a pill until at least 8:30am... I am going to try and take 35 mg today. My thought process is to jump off at a lower dose so I could function. I have no family ...so like most of you I need to function. I am also just telling my kids that my stomach is acting up. I have a prolapsed bowel and IBS so its actually the truth unfortunately. I love this forum... you are my life line!!! I am crying over everything but this is a good cry that there are people here. Ty

[iwantmylifebacknow]

Hi
I was in the same exact boat as you! I am a single mom and was on Vicodin for 5+ years. Addiction got the best of me the last 2 years. I went c/t 3 weeks ago today! I told my family, dr and just took took the plunge. I no longer felt good from the pills. I too was prescribed them for chronic pain! i suffer from cervical stenosis, herniated discs and bone pain. I am 39 years old and the pain ***** sometimes but I was increasing my dose to numb myself emotionally.  I was taking up to 8 a day so my mg's were higher then yours. I stopped doing things I enjoyed and I withdrew from everyone and everything. i wanted my old self back and thats when I joined this forum and flushed my pills. It was the best decision I ever made!!! I felt crappy for the first week but even made it to work! This is so doable! There are so many supplements to help you with the detox as mentioned above. Take your life back sweetie! Don't punish yourself anymore. I realized thats what I was doing. Please reach out if you need support! I wish you the very best! Ask, believe and receive!

[Merri123]

I hated waking up in the morning need ending a pill to feel better. Sweaty and stomach cramps.  But you need this for a reason. Can you function with your INS without some sort of pain med?

So you said it is getting below 40 mg that causes the pain and cramping. So how about get down to 40mg and stay there for awhile. Let your body adjust. You will be on a lower amount and will have made progress. Then in a while you can try dropping a little bit.

Unfortunately some have medical issues that warrant medicine. But you can try to be on a lower dose that will still help you manage it.

Don't be down on yourself. It is not easy.

[Sosadinny]

Thank you for the support.. I've been fighting this for over 3 years now and I sometimes feel like giving up. This time my depression is overwhelming!! I'm afraid to just go cold turkey no pills... I don't think I'm strong enough between the stomach pain and mental issues. Can you tell me how long it took you before you felt better? I can't stop crying and want my life back... I want to stop counting pills and stop feeling up one second and down the next. I did the Sub route and that just upped my tolerance as you said, was a big mistake. So now I am at 45-50 mg Vic after stopping at 3-4 mg sub so I'm withdrawing just from that difference too.  I'm so glad I found this group... I thank all of you for your time in helping people and supporting us when there is no where to turn.

[motye51]

At least you recognize that you do have a problem!  Most of us don't, right away!  You can soooo get off these pills, you just have to make a plan and make sure that plan does NOT include the subs ( I switched from vics and hydros to subs and it was the worst decision I ever made)...you just need to c/t it from the vics.  If you can allocate roughly 6/7 days to do this?  Maybe enlist your spouse or siblings to watch your kids, stock up on the items you will need and bite the bullet and do it!  You want to be done with it??  You want yourself back??  This is what you will have to do.  There are hundreds of people on this site that were where you are now and they (we) all did it so it is doable.  And yes, w/d *****....it hurts....it's uncomfortable, but once your out on the other side it is truly a miracle!  Theres a Thomas Taper Recipe on this site....FIND IT!  Because tons of people have used it and it works.  It also lists all of the supplements you will need to make the w/d a bit easier.  It's not a "pitty party"...your in real trouble!  And you asked for help.  The people on here will help!  If you want it.  
BTW.....I am a 42 year old mother of 4 beautiful children, recreation booster  
club board member, PTA member, blah, blah, blah, blah!  Oh yeah, and my husband and I own a successful business here!  Us addicts, we come in all shapes and sizes...don't be ashamed!  There is no shame, it's a disease! Good luck to you and let us know what you decide to do!

[Sosadinny]

Thank you both for the support. I am on a potty party lately ...  Everyone thinks I am this strong person, I'm educated hold a respectable job am a good mother meanwhile I'm a mess... I am as you said Terrified of the detox. I wake in the morning sweating, sick to my stomach etc... Until I take a pill or two , I can't imagine three days like that.... That's why I feel so weak :( would weaning down to a lower dose be easier?? Ugh I don't know anymore.

[jifmoc]

Hi, good for you for posting. If you've read any of the other posts (and please read as many as possible) you'll find your story is essentially identical to everyone else's: Why did this happen to me? How could I let it happen? Why don't I have any willpower? on and on. You are addicted to painkillers, just like the rest of us. None of us meant to, but that is how we are wired. It has NOTHING to do w/ willpower: if it did, there would be  about 3 alcoholics and 2 drug addicts in the world (ha.) It's not hopeless, it just feels that way. You are looking at your life thru sh!t colored glasses right now. Don't trust your thoughts.

Tons of folks on here w/ legitimate pain issues say they manage their pain BETTER off opiates. I'm sure they will be chiming in. Once you get off these horrid pills, THEN you can accurately assess your depression level (needing anti-depressants whatever.) Please tell your shrink. And tell your hubbie; tell someone, the secrets keep us in hell. Good for you for telling us. Great, great, step.

What saspan above me said was great and when you just jump and do the detox, we all will be there online. He was right you have absolutely nothing to lost by breaking these miserable handcuffs. It can't get worse! Only better. Everyone fears detox, but it's just such a tiny amount of time in the scheme of things. Your kids deserve a Mom who is all "there." Right?

Keep posting, kay?

[saspan]

you can,t blame yourself for becoming dependant on a medication you were at one time taking for the right reasons. I,ve asked myself many times why am I different than other people. what causes addiction,why we don,t do and act as others do. I,m at 19 days and it is hard to deal with but I try to do tjings to take my mind off of using. for the last several years all that was on my brain was finding my drugs, worrying about running out, trying to calculate how many days till I did run out. that's harder than any job in the world. there are several ways to quit. I,ve been thru them all. this last time I went c/t its not to bad an at 40 to 50 mgs your w/d,s wont be toobad.the hardest part for me was just making up my mind. once you get started its not too bad. prepare in advance if you go this route. stock up on plenty of fluids Gatorade, water hydration is important, vitamins, bananas, sleep aid,immodium, and just give it a shot you don,t have anything to lose everything will be a gain each day you,ll start to feel better get some supplements for energy. also the Thomas detox seems to be very popular here. you can do this .one day at a time. good luck! peace out!!!!!