Im my own worst enemy at 22 days clean

[beatbutnotbroken]

Hello for those who know me im losing my will to fight...I screwed up my rehab and got kicked out and was walking home two days ago. I have been staying as positive as I can around my 2 kids and wife so they dont worry about me..and when im alone I get deeper and deeper into depression...when I do sleep I awake to ringing in my ears and my mind feels like a chainsaw trying to cut its way out. I also have a serious problem that where I live the closest meetings I could find are a hr drive away and I cant burden my wife to take me when she is working so hard to keep up with the finances.  After care for me is amust but am at aloss I read the big book reading one page over and over because I cant retain it. I turn to god and reach but he does not answer. Even now though I think of taking a pill it only makes me think of taking my life...I would rather die than ingest myself with false hope. I have no physical ill except my head. I am at my wits end feel my heart pounding every day. The hardest question I scream in my mind is WHYYYY!!!??? Does my pride and selfishness blind me I want to surrender myself to my higher power but I struggle to let go. I have abused drugs since I was 14 years old im 35 now but always provided for my family. How easy it would be just to lay down and.........no...........I only have this place to share my true feelings I dare not tell my wife she has to much to deal with. Time is healing and I know this will end with greatness but my sword is dull to the fight and my disease is fighting with many swords.....and I am alone with no one to fight back with me who understands the enemy. Help me fight back MH.........

[beatbutnotbroken]

Wow the virtual love is amazing....even though we are not face to face it is still amazing...gives me hope...I am taking paxil again=((.....I hate prescription bottles!! I watched a movie out of my comfort zone.....SON OF GOD....to watch a man who walks with such confident love and see the good in everything. This world we live in is madness but god gives us free will to either live in man made madness or live happy and humble and do what we can to make it better...like what u amazing pple do here pulling us out of madness its like 8 years I was in the madness until I seen a hand reach in and I grabbed it and pulled me out...and as I looked around I see all these pple these warriors with there sharp sobriety swords ready to fight back the enemy with me...then to my left one of you throw me a sword and says WE GOT THIS you just need to make the first swing.....damn its a fight but a fight worth fighting and as. Soon as u lower or drop your sword thd enemy is there!! Then the enemy drops and there you guys are saying get up!! I will keep getting up until the enemy knows he cant win any more and we all stand strong together ready to pull out another...man I been watching to many movies but this helps me to get out of my head...I am 24 days clean tbhe baattle in my head is intense when im alone but no matter how hard it gets I will get thru this as long as I stay straightforward no matter how worthless I feel I know i can be the man person that will find peacewithmyself and GOD... ty guys and am greatful to have found this place....

[lulu747]

Josh this is awesome.  I am so happy for you I literally have tears rolling down my face.  I really hope newbies are reading this thread and see what the power of taking a step towards really reaching out and beginning the journey to recovery can do for us.
I can only reiterate what everyone above has said about the Paxil.
I tried to jump off all my meds at once too and it went badly.
One drug at a time okay?
Make yourself as comfortable as possible.  You'll get there.
So proud of you!!!
Lu

[Jinx_777]

i am so sorry to hear about all that is going on.  
i am with everyone else who said to take the paxil.  you are making this much harder on you than it needs to be.
hope you find your way out of the darkness.  we are your beacons of light

[EvolverU]

J,

You have such a courageous, honest spirit & I salute you for it. Using, in of itself is an abnegation of life & a slow painful suicide. You are a Fighter, my friend & reading of your struggle is inspirational & fills me with admiration & floods me with renewed strength & drive!. So, I thank you, my friend for giving back. I'm sure that your story is serving to motivate others with the same fears & concerns as ours. We are all works in progress -- always! Recognizing this is a huge accomplishment. Great work on making what seemed impossible to you an actuality. Keep pushing that envelope! Proud of you..:)

[gnarly_1]

hey Dude im so happy for you the meeting will help a lot it not so much the intecty of methadone but it is the long recovery time that cra p gets in your bones and fatty tissues and slowly come out  you will make a lot of new friend that truly want to see you make it  so stay focused do as many meeting as you can when your ready pick up a sponcer and work the steps  just know this is by far the best thing you can do for your recovery.............................Gnarly..........................

[beatbutnotbroken]

Went to a 12:00pm meeting carpooled gnarly.....ty......and now im at a bbq with all these happy sober individuals.....out of my comfort zone......but out of my head except I found a lil place to myself bdecause any bbq I went to ment me being jacked up......day 23 and my path is straight and I will fight this until I stand proud again!

[meegWpaw]

hey bbnb, I have followed your threads and you have gotten such great advice and feedback I am not sure what else I can say but I did want to tell you how absolutely compelling your story is and offer my support.  every time I read what you're going through I feel so much compassion!  really want you to succeed!  keep fighting!  keep fighting!  you are doing fantastic

[Heather8448]

Work the steps take a bus I do, I know in my experience if I show up no matter how far from home I can get a ride home...keep moving forward and no matter how sad or how bad know it will pass

[Yesidid]

This whole subject is awesome. Maybe you should consider starting a new thread by just cutting and pasting you Paxil post. I expect that we will get a lot of useful feedback.

[Yesidid]

I completely agree with my friend Debbie. Do not stop taking Paxil at this point on your own just to be "chemical free." Chemical free is nice but DOC free has got to be your focus and top priority for now. You will have time to work out a Paxil taper plan with your doctor after you get some methadone clean time under your belt.

[atthebeach]

Brain zaps, dizziness, headaches, increased anxiety, mood swings are definitely signs of Paxil withdrawal. It would probably be best to stay on it for a few months. Until you feel better from the methadone detox.
Probably even better to up the dose from the 5mgs. Even take as prescribed.
Then do a proper taper with doc orders.
I am sorry about getting kicked out of the rehab.

[beatbutnotbroken]

Hmmmm I am detoxing off two meds and dididnt realize it....methadone and paxil....I think thats why the dizziness and head ringing have bden effecting me so badly. Been on paxil now for a year or better (the methadone clinic dr put me on for anxiety) I am supposed to have been taking 20mg a day but the last 3 months or so I was breaking in halves and would forget to take for a couple days. Been 2 days since I took a 1/4 piece 5mg and I feel like crap. Thought it was the methadone still but maybe its a combo of both. Geeze detox w/ds x 2. Should I just stop the paxil now or wait another month or so until methadone w/ds are over. I WANT MY BODY TO BE CHEMICAL FREE, but not be dumb about it either. The rage fits scare me thats what got me kicked out of rehab after 3 days of no paxil.......

[atthebeach]

Your very welcome and thank you for your very kind words. I am so glad you went to a meeting. There are meetings everyday, some days twice a day.
Getting out will help you so much. Getting support is just what you need.
It will give you the extra push, you will be encouraged, understood, and you will beable to relate to others there.
You are doing awesome josh. Keep up the good work.
Remember to be patient with the process. Don't be too hard on yourself.
You are healing.
Keep the fath my friend,
Sending blessings and prayers,
Debbie

[beatbutnotbroken]

Ty atthebeach ur so giving I cried when I saw what you did...my first meeting outside in the real world I arrived late and soon as I came in I felt tbe love but kept to myself. Every day I will go. Going to try each one just dont want to pick a sponsor in my panic. I want to do tbis one time relapse is not an option for me. Like ive said before you guys have etched urself in my heart..going home feeling good because for today I stood my ground and made it thru the day w/o using........

[lulu747]

WOOOHOOOO!
Best news I've heard all day!
xo
So proud of you!
Lu

[atthebeach]

Awesome!!!!!!!!
That's what we wanted to hear.
You got this josh. You keep moving forward.
You are so worth it.
You are breaking free. Keeping the faith.
So proud of you!!!!!

[beatbutnotbroken]

Ty guys again.....im headed to a 7pm meeting now. Will. Check back later. Again I cant say it enough u guys are helping me take back my life..thank you......

[lulu747]

Debbie you are amazing.  Your kindness continues to astound me.
Beatbutnotbroken-
Please check in with us.
We are all worried.
xo
Lu

[atthebeach]

Josh keep fighting. Keep the faith.
These are all na meetings

Saint Mary's Episcopal Church
14234 11th Street, Dade City, Florida 33523-3720
Distance: 4.18 miles
Days/Times:
Tuesday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
DISC, SPK, STEP, BEG, CW
Spring Lake United Methodist Church
4191 Spring Lake Highway, Brooksville, Florida 34601
Distance: 8.14 miles
Days/Times:
Sunday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
DISC
First Christian Church
6040 8th Street, Zephyrhills, Florida 33542-3500
Distance: 12.48 miles
Directions: Corner of North Avenue & 8th Street
Days/Times:
Monday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
DISC
Wednesday 12:00 PM (12:00) Email Update
VAR
Eipic Lodge House
5409 11th Street, Zephyrhills, Florida 33542-4341
Distance: 13.16 miles
Directions: 5th & 6th Avenues. Brick House.
Days/Times:
Friday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
BT
Sumter Correctional Institute
9544 County Road 476B, Bushnell, Florida 33513-8612
Distance: 13.27 miles
Directions: Must have State Pin Number Prison Clearance to attend.
Days/Times:
Wednesday 7:00 AM (07:00) Email Update
RA, M, QA, DISC, VAR
Zephyrhills Park
at the B Avenue Pavillion, Zephyrhills, Florida 33542
Distance: 13.35 miles
Directions: enter from 301 onto B avenue, go to end, pavillion is on the right
Days/Times:
Sunday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
DISC
Wednesday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
LIT
Thursday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
DISC
First United Methodist Church
109 South Broad Street, Brooksville, Florida 34601
Distance: 14.86 miles
Directions: 1 block west of Main St
Days/Times:
Tuesday 8:00 PM (20:00) Email Update
BT
Thursday 8:00 PM (20:00) Email Update
DISC
Christ Lutheran Church
475 North Avenue West, Brooksville, Florida 34601-1031
Distance: 14.97 miles
Directions: 1/4 mile east of 98 on North Ave
Days/Times:
Wednesday 8:00 PM (20:00) Email Update
VAR
Chancey Road Christian Church
34921 Chancey Rd, Zephyrhills, Florida 33541-2452
Distance: 15.25 miles
Days/Times:
Saturday 12:00 PM (12:00) Email Update
DISC
Kenny Dixon Sports Complex
824 West Noble Avenue, Bushnell, Florida 33513
Distance: 17.13 miles
Days/Times:
Thursday 12:10 PM (12:10) Email Update
DISC
Hope Community Bible Church
13241 Spring Hill Drive, Spring Hill, Florida 34609-5181
Distance: 19.31 miles
Directions: corner of Whitewood Drive
Days/Times:
Monday 12:00 PM (12:00) Email Update
DISC
Monday 7:30 PM (19:30) Email Update
DISC
Tuesday 12:00 PM (12:00) Email Update
DISC
Wednesday 12:00 PM (12:00) Email Update
DISC
Thursday 12:00 PM (12:00) Email Update
DISC
Thursday 6:00 PM (18:00) Email Update
TOP
Friday 12:00 PM (12:00) Email Update
DISC
Saturday 2:00 PM (14:00) Email Update
DISC, SPK
Saturday 8:00 PM (20:00) Email Update
DISC

[atthebeach]

Eipic Lodge House
5409 11th Street, Zephyrhills, Florida 33542-4341
Distance: 13.16 miles
Directions: 5th & 6th Avenues. Brick House.
Days/Times:
Friday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
BT
Sumter Correctional Institute
9544 County Road 476B, Bushnell, Florida 33513-8612
Distance: 13.27 miles
Directions: Must have State Pin Number Prison Clearance to attend.
Days/Times:
Wednesday 7:00 AM (07:00) Email Update
RA, M, QA, DISC, VAR
Zephyrhills Park
at the B Avenue Pavillion, Zephyrhills, Florida 33542
Distance: 13.35 miles
Directions: enter from 301 onto B avenue, go to end, pavillion is on the right
Days/Times:
Sunday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
DISC
Wednesday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
LIT
Thursday 7:00 PM (19:00) Email Update
DISC
First United Methodist Church
109 South Broad Street, Brooksville, Florida 34601
Distance: 14.86 miles
Directions: 1 block west of Main St
Days/Times:
Tuesday 8:00 PM (20:00) Email Update
BT
Thursday 8:00 PM (20:00) Email Update
DISC

[lulu747]

Awe.  The pain I feel when I read your post is Visceral.
I would have to agree with IBK here (as per usual)
I really, REALLY think you need an in-person meeting.
I know you say it is hard to find one and you would need your wife to drive you.  I think if you sit down with her and explain that you are in this desperate place and that a meeting would really help you, that she would jump at the chance.
I know that I would if it were my partner.
Asking for help is one of the very first steps that we take in recovery.
When we feel sad and desperate it is easy for us to focus on the reasons why we can't do something.  This is very typical addict thinking.  You need to put your recovery as your number 1 priority because to be brutally honest- without it you don't have much.
Working your aftercare like your life depends on it gives your relationships and yourself a chance to heal, and go from just surviving to thriving.  It is really time for you to begin the healing process.  It isn't easy, but anything in life worth having takes work, you know?
I feel for you, and I've been where you are.  I threw myself into recovery with 100% commitment and it was amazing at what I was able to accomplish.  I transformed my life.  I started out just wanting my 'normal' life back and ended up with a life more beautiful than I could have ever imagined.  It wasn't what I expected- it was better.
This is possible for you.  You need to have faith and commit yourself to recovery like you've never committed before.
You are worth it man.  You really are.
Sending hugs and love...
Lu

[Yesidid]

Hey buddy. Wow, you hit the nail on the head with this post! We know - we have all either been there, are there, or are heading there. I want to talk suicide straight in the face - not an option. I tried killing myself 3 times during my worst withdrawals last year and found out that 1. I'm too fat to drown 2. There are some damn good drivers out there despite how many idiots are on the road and 3. High places are hard to find if you live away from the mountains and outside the city.  I don't mean to make light of it but dude many people like me try and fail AND many people unlike me really mess themselves up trying and end up being an even bigger burden in their families and more miserable than ever for the rest of their lives. But most most most of all please always remember and don't ever forget that like all else that you have experienced, THIS IS TEMPORARY.  You are in no condition to make a major decision like when you should die - wait until you recover if you want to make major decisions. God is there. Be patient. Listen. This too shall pass and the next phase of your life will be the best one yet!

[gnarly_1]

Hey dude I feel your pain...the ''mind screw'' has brought many people to there knees  my emotions where all over the place and my mind was running 100mph I could not focus on any thing.. as for your meetings I with IBKleen the meeting will be your life line if you ask at a meeting you can probable find someone to pick you up and take you I had lost my license to a unpayed speeding ticket  after telling my home group my plight someone came to pick me up for my afternoon meeting dont be ashamed humble yourself to ask for help you may have someone in your town that goes I always thought I would be a bother but the guy that picked me up said ''this is what I do for a service commitment'' not only did he pick me up but we had time to share with each other our fellow ship is all about asking for help give this a try and let me know how it works out for you......................................Gnarly.....................................

[motye51]

Surrendering....not easy for anyone! Who wants to admit that they have no control over something and put their faith in something bigger than themselves? I didnt! Every day i have to surrender and surrender again, and again and again! You must ask your wife to bring u to a few mtgs so you can meet people to make ride arrangements. I originally thought that once w/d was over id be home free....NOT! After w/d is where the real work began! Just remember, its only in your head and if u call on your higher power he will help u get out of your head!!! Helps me all the time with this.