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Question from shocked wife of newly disclosed husband's opiate use/abuse.
Hello, My husband has just told me that he has been using/abusing opiates for over a year and a half without my knowledge. (I did wonder where the money was going but didn't think of anything like that.) Anyway, he is detoxing himself (allegedly) and is very weepy and has an answer for everthing. He is suddenly an expert on drug detox and withdrawal and everything related. He is almost 40 years old. We are upper middle class people, have 5 sons from toddler age to college......I am at a loss. Question - is it likely he can detox himself?
Kat, I would describe myself as you described your family, in terms of socio-economic status. Addictions happen to anyone, and happen to good people. Please, your hubbie needs your support. That will go a long way toward helping him succeed. I started taking opiates years ago due to thoracic back pain so bad it brought me to my knees. I am an intelligent, educated, hard working career woman with a responsible position at work, and I'm a mom too. And I got addicted. None of us started out planning to get addicted. We were looking for relief from something - pain, stress, life. I understand your anger at your spouse, but there must be good things about him or you would not be with him. His addiction does not define who he is. He is human. Being upper middle class with 5 kids sounds like a helluva lot of stress, frankly. When you are well off financially, there is that terror of losing it all, especially in this economy. And I think guys embody that more than women as their careers are so defining to them. You don't say if your spouse had medical reasons or not to take the meds, but if you want your family and marriage to succeed, support him while he detoxes himself. And yes it can be done - with a lot of support. Take care, Shelli
Hi all,
Thanks so much for your help - and/or willingness to help. Ok, I asked him. He has been taking 80mg pills of Oxycontin daily (3 or 4 a day) for about a two years. We really work a lot, lots of kids etc. etc. so I guess I didn't really notice - so I guess I am an idiot myself, but I remember him sleeping so much on Sundays and that would TICK ME OFF becuase it was like one of the only days we had off and he would sleep!!! OMG. but anyway, he says he would take ???Ativan??? to sleep on Sundays???? Sounds weird maybe. He also says if there was one point or another when he had to wait or not get any for a day or so, he would go and steal them from his father, uncles, my parents, whomever might have been having some medical procedure at whatever point. So, he would take, tylenol w/codeine, something that stars with a D????, any kind of crap he could get his hands on.
I asked where he got that stuff - won't tell me - except that from people who have people they know that have serious medical conditions and are willing to sell their medication.
Yes, I know that he needs me to support him but I am so freakin pissed right now. I mean when I think back to him driving around with our babies - or fighting with our older boys, being nasty to me.....OMG!! And, this past year, he got into 2 accidents - neither were serious thankfully but imagine what could have happened. And, spending our freakin money on all that crap and, in the same breath, complaining about me buying something for myself or the boys???? (We both work and make about the same amount of money.)
Ok, so, bottom line is - right now - I don't believe a damn thing that he says. He says he is running to the store to get milk - I don't believe him. He wants to take the kids down to the beach (it is 4 houses away-walking distance) - I don't let him.
Oh, and some of you folks have asked. He initially told me about this on June 14th. I was shocked and honestly, didn't believe in the severity of it. He said it matter of factly, like, "Hey, I've been taking some pain meds - have been for a while - just wanted to get high, then it took more and more to get high, so I think I'm going to stop. ok - see ya after work". That was that. I am so stupid, Ithought he could/would just stop. Well, On July 10th we were at a neighbor's BBQ and he was high as a freakin kite. It all hit me like a lead balloon. We fought for a day or two. He supposedly has stopped again - as of July 13th. He has been sick since: jumpy, weepy, can't sleep, in the bathroom all the time, guilty, depressed, sometimes shaky, when he sleeps, (if I can tolerate sleeping near him because he now sweats so freakin much the bed is soaked and so am I!!!) he is twitching. Says he has headaches constantly. He wants me to go to the health food store and get him better vitamins, protein bars, energy drinks at the grocery store, we have a hot tub and he is in it alot now and he now wants to have a sauna put in. Big expense for,hopefully, a short term withdrawal, but, I guess it would be nice for all of us to have one.
I don't know guys. Don't know if I have it in me. I think it is the lying and putting our children at risk more than anything that I can't yet get past. Sorry if that sounds terrible - seems like you all have experienced it too and I am thrilled that you are clean or getting there but - WOW - way too much for me right now.
Thanks so much for your help - and/or willingness to help. Ok, I asked him. He has been taking 80mg pills of Oxycontin daily (3 or 4 a day) for about a two years. We really work a lot, lots of kids etc. etc. so I guess I didn't really notice - so I guess I am an idiot myself, but I remember him sleeping so much on Sundays and that would TICK ME OFF becuase it was like one of the only days we had off and he would sleep!!! OMG. but anyway, he says he would take ???Ativan??? to sleep on Sundays???? Sounds weird maybe. He also says if there was one point or another when he had to wait or not get any for a day or so, he would go and steal them from his father, uncles, my parents, whomever might have been having some medical procedure at whatever point. So, he would take, tylenol w/codeine, something that stars with a D????, any kind of crap he could get his hands on.
I asked where he got that stuff - won't tell me - except that from people who have people they know that have serious medical conditions and are willing to sell their medication.
Yes, I know that he needs me to support him but I am so freakin pissed right now. I mean when I think back to him driving around with our babies - or fighting with our older boys, being nasty to me.....OMG!! And, this past year, he got into 2 accidents - neither were serious thankfully but imagine what could have happened. And, spending our freakin money on all that crap and, in the same breath, complaining about me buying something for myself or the boys???? (We both work and make about the same amount of money.)
Ok, so, bottom line is - right now - I don't believe a damn thing that he says. He says he is running to the store to get milk - I don't believe him. He wants to take the kids down to the beach (it is 4 houses away-walking distance) - I don't let him.
Oh, and some of you folks have asked. He initially told me about this on June 14th. I was shocked and honestly, didn't believe in the severity of it. He said it matter of factly, like, "Hey, I've been taking some pain meds - have been for a while - just wanted to get high, then it took more and more to get high, so I think I'm going to stop. ok - see ya after work". That was that. I am so stupid, Ithought he could/would just stop. Well, On July 10th we were at a neighbor's BBQ and he was high as a freakin kite. It all hit me like a lead balloon. We fought for a day or two. He supposedly has stopped again - as of July 13th. He has been sick since: jumpy, weepy, can't sleep, in the bathroom all the time, guilty, depressed, sometimes shaky, when he sleeps, (if I can tolerate sleeping near him because he now sweats so freakin much the bed is soaked and so am I!!!) he is twitching. Says he has headaches constantly. He wants me to go to the health food store and get him better vitamins, protein bars, energy drinks at the grocery store, we have a hot tub and he is in it alot now and he now wants to have a sauna put in. Big expense for,hopefully, a short term withdrawal, but, I guess it would be nice for all of us to have one.
I don't know guys. Don't know if I have it in me. I think it is the lying and putting our children at risk more than anything that I can't yet get past. Sorry if that sounds terrible - seems like you all have experienced it too and I am thrilled that you are clean or getting there but - WOW - way too much for me right now.
COMMUNITY LEADER
He is in full blown withdrawal right now. Everything you stated is part of it. He will get thru this part and then the hard part starts and that is the mental game. I hope he will get some recovery care of some sort.
I know you are struggling with this and you have every right to feel the way you do. All i ask is that you get some outside help with this. Alanon is free and you will find lots of people who are and have been in your shoes. Addiction affects the whole family and you are usually the ones who get the brunt of our addiction. Now is the time to take care of you and your babies. You have many many mixed emotions going on and it is very overwhelming for you. Trust is a huge obstacle to overcome but you can get over it in time. Your husband has to take care of himself now and make his recovery the No.1 priority in his life and you have to make you the No 1 priority in your life. Hopefully you 2 will meet in the middle. This takes time and patience is one thing we have to work on when dealing with addiction. Educate yourself on this and learn about how to not enable your husband. The healthy supplements he is wanting is a good thing. They really do help both body and mind. Keep us updated on how you are doing ok?? sara
I know you are struggling with this and you have every right to feel the way you do. All i ask is that you get some outside help with this. Alanon is free and you will find lots of people who are and have been in your shoes. Addiction affects the whole family and you are usually the ones who get the brunt of our addiction. Now is the time to take care of you and your babies. You have many many mixed emotions going on and it is very overwhelming for you. Trust is a huge obstacle to overcome but you can get over it in time. Your husband has to take care of himself now and make his recovery the No.1 priority in his life and you have to make you the No 1 priority in your life. Hopefully you 2 will meet in the middle. This takes time and patience is one thing we have to work on when dealing with addiction. Educate yourself on this and learn about how to not enable your husband. The healthy supplements he is wanting is a good thing. They really do help both body and mind. Keep us updated on how you are doing ok?? sara
I sliped on my family the same as he has. I have three great kids and a very loving wife. Clearly he knew there was a problem and it was eating at him or he would have not said anything. I can't say that I understand how you fell but I can tell you that if you wan't him to get throw this you are going to have to stay positive and do this with him. I know it sounds silly but he is in withdraw and you have to make him stay postive to. I know it is hard to swollow this after everything he has done but that is up to you. My wife knew I got high but she did not know I shot 1-2-3-4 OC 80's a day untill I wen't to the hospital with a belly hurting and found out I had cought HEP C from shooting up dope. Telling her was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and now we have worked things out and have set our sights on a brighter tomorrow for us and our babies. So whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck and your husband the same but this is a problem you can get throw but only as a family.
Trust your gut. I was "that husband" many years ago. It is very unlikely that the full withdrawal symptoms that you describe would last for a week. Generally, physical symptoms disappear in 3-4 days and then it becomes more mental symptomatic (anger,laughter,depression). I'm not saying that this is true of him, but this is how I did things back then. I would admit to my EX-wife that I had a problem and tell her that I was quitting. I neglected to tell her of my stash that I had (just to get me through withdrawals of course). When that was used up, I would get just a few more. Then I was right back where I started 30 plus Lortabs a day. If a person truly believes that they have a problem, they aren't going to be" matter of fact"when they admit it to someone they love. I checked myself into a facility 15 years ago only WHEN my ex-wife told me "I love you, but I'm not going to live like this. We divorced later because of something between her and my golf buddy, but I truly believe THAT never would have happened had it not been for my betrayal with the opiates.
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I guess for someone who is an insomniac getting off the opiates would probably really through their sleeping patterns out of whack. The ability to get a normal nights sleep seems to be the last thing that returns to normal as far as the physical withdrawals go.