Quit methadone - daily progress thread

[Ftmill]

After a handful of random posts here, it was suggested I start a progress thread.  I don't want to steal anyone's thunder but maybe this can help others - including hopefully myself.  ;)

Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so.   48 year old male.   Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...

The first week wasn't not that bad.   I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights.   I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients.   I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts.   Most of us have never stopped methadone.  It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'.   I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with...  That PURE fear leads to what?!?  ** ANXIETY **  which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc.   It is a vicious cycle.  There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.)   Could I have done that first 10 days without detox?  Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP.   A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean.  The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.

Day 39   Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5.   Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night.   Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit.  When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious.   It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings.  I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers"   Laughingly I agreed.  

[10356]

Someday I hope to not constantly think about all this...  I just realized I have not I cannot remember since when :) Congrats I day 123 Ftmill!! lesa

[Ftmill]

Day - 116   Yesterday I did quite a bit...  As much as I hate to admit it, exercise truly does work wonders.  Felt almost normal for parts of the day!   Still hopeful for better days ahead.  It really is amazing (for lack of a better word) how this ordeal comes in waves.  For all those who work full time going through this, you're unbelievably strong.  Someday I hope to not constantly think about all this...  

[KLB84]

Yay you exercised! Good for you!
I've done the same two days in a row lol ... hopefully more to come as I get completely clean to help the process!

[Ftmill]

Thank you much — great post — I am gonna look into some vitamins esp magnesium.   Glad I give you hope as I can be a real bummer poster!   :).  

[KLB84]

Ps. I'm on Paxil (much like lexapro) and it does have side effects when starting it. When I started Paxil I was completely sober and had been for a good 3 or 4 years but the Paxil gave me headaches and nausea and crazy nightmares for a good two weeks. Just FYI
ALSO the first and only time I got clean I was coming off methadone and was at a YEAR LONG rehab - for the first 6 months I took naps more than most people and I thought I just had very low energy...it did get better though.  I was sober for 6 yrs before relapsing (I got divorced and moved into an apartment next to a drug dealer far away from home and all alone - it was a perfect storm - not making excuses just saying...sobriety is possible and it's good - just got too keep accountability in your life which I failed to do).

[KLB84]

Fatigue is one of the hardest things especially since much of the whole reason I used in the first place was because of how much energy it gave me (and I loved methadone for that). Anyway, I am currently tapering from Suboxone. I've done it once before but got scared when it came to jumping and tried some short-acting opiates because someone said that was a good idea (ha) it definitely was not for me! anyway got back on Suboxone within a month and been on it for 4 years and every time I taper the fatigue is brutal. And I do find that reading SOME people's stories can be discouraging. I'm down to 1.25mg (trying to get to 1 currently). So, now for some ideas...i recently started taking an herbal supplement that is supposed to be pharmaceutical grade vitamins packed full of good stuff. It helps with my energy a lot. It's called Thrive. The bad thing is it's not cheap and you can't buy it at the store - you have to know someone who sells it. (This is not a sales pitch). Maybe you could at least look it up and see what all vitamins are in it and try that. I never thought vitamins would seriously help me but they are. I read another girls  testimony about coming off of Suboxone and she said Shakeology helped her a lot which I'm sure is a similar type product.  I've heard that caffeine or coffee  is not good - I guess because of the crash. Also I know a few good doctors (who were once addicts)  that highly recommend exercising I am trying my best to start now before the jump but it is very hard I will admit. Anyway, even though your struggling now you still give me hope. Don't give up. In my experience it's always in the moment we think things aren't going to get better and we want to give up that change is right around the corner if we just don't give up!

[Ftmill]

Day - 115   Really trying to adjust to this new "normal"...  I can't figure out whether this EXTREME fatigue is straight up depression (which I've never experienced) or still just protracted withdrawal.   I ended up trying Lexapro a few nights ago and ended up having the worst night since this all began.   I wish I knew if this "off" feeling will ever completely go away.  Although I've since refrained from reading countless internet posts, I read where there are some who never fully 'recover'  Now that's all I think about.   Sometimes I wonder what my true motivation is...  do I *really* want this or is the ******** hassle of the clinic my real drive?   I often feel the later.   It's really difficult being positive about anything - just being honest.