Relapsed AGAIN!

[struggling_college_student]

Well here I am again after relapsing for the past year and a half. I was using norco for a couple months then got hooked on H and methadone approx. 100 mgs a day. I had everything going for me, I had moved back to Ca and was working at my old hospital and was in a nursing program, why did I let myself slip? Grrrrrrrr, fast forward and here I am back in Ga with my parents, had to drop out of nursing school halfway thru, and now I'm on day 9 free from drugs and alcohol........Not doing too bad just the sleep issues that can drive you insane, Im just feeling so disappointed in myself, I really dont know why I always seem to turn to opiates when things get a little stressful. I have been depressed since I was a teenager due to some major family issues that happened and it seems since then that i have always been looking for something to help dull that ache......ive tried lexapro and cymbalta but neither seem to help, has anyone on here had success controlling their depression? If so, how? Depression seems to be my main trigger which ***** because everyone says to avoid your triggers while in recovery but how do you avoid a trigger such as depression? Feeling down

[ariley13]

Hi! Welcome back! I just wanted to offer you my support. Weaver, Blu, and Kyle gave you some great advice. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward. Turn this negative into a positive by learning what triggered you and what you can do differently next time. We are here for you and want you to be successful in your recovery. Take care!

[kyle505]

First, I have to commend you on posting; it really does take a lot of courage to come back to a site full of addicts (and their twisted addict brains) and admit that you've relapsed.
Now, moving on...since we can't give medical advice on this forum, I'd suggest that if, in fact, you are suffering or feel that you're suffering from legit depression issues, then you need to see a doc. AND you need to be honest and tell the doc that you've used meds to control the depression (as you know by now, using Norco or H or metha does nothing for depression). Once you've addressed that, then you need to look at your past using, relapse, etc., and then decide what you will do different this time. Einstein wrote that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. So, if you get through detox but do nothing differently to support recovery then you will relapse.  I'd suggest these three steps (after 15 years of failure they worked for me) - cut your sources. Tell your doc, dentist, pharmacy that you are an addict and need to be red flagged as such. Dealer are harder - they don't give a crap about you so you will have to delete phone numbers, etc. Next, you need to tell your secret; people you can trust - family, friends. They will be part of your support group. If you don't tell your secret you will relapse behind it. And finally, get aftercare. NA meetings are a must.
I realize everyone's different, and that the things that worked for me may not work for you, but I guarantee that if you don't at least consider the three steps, and if you don't do anything different than you have in the past, you will  end up back on this forum again wondering why you relapsed.
Again, I failed for over 15 years; I'm hoping it won't take you that long to start living and enjoying a clean life. All the best.
K

[BluCrystal]

Hello, Struggle.  My problem was self-medicating to alleviate mental issues.  Sounds like you're doing the same thing.  I have a journal entry called 'my psych ward story' that i think you would find helpful.  It's long, but worth the time if it helps.  God Bless - Blu

[weaver71]

I have a lot of childhood, young adult, adult, and now, middle age issues that kept me on the run. I guess I'm learning the serenity prayer of AA:

God, grant me the
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

The staying clean is much harder than the detox. I truly believe I will have to do something in recovery daily, for the rest of my life. Recovery stopped being about not doing drugs or healing depression, it's about building my life in a way that I don't want them. Will power is great for college, work, family, but it only got in my way in recovery. Humility and following advice worked way better. I was getting suicidal in the last years. I'm happy go lucky by nature. I was isolated, and I'm social by nature. My depression has faded and I have begun to love me again. It was not from the lack of drugs, it is from the constant search for truth and awareness. It took my whole town to get me clean, and they are continuing to keep me clean. I can't avoid all my triggers either, though I don't have to fight them alone. Depression is getting more manageable as the fruit of my recovery. Depression was the fruit of my active addiction. So, what are you going to do different this time? Can you point at what may have been missing last time? What kind of aftercare are you thinking of?