Trial! And weakness

[phiaNorcoqueen]

Okay guys i really don't have a question more of in need of support,,

  I know i am 63 days clean and this is killing me inside..  
   Well yesterday afternoon/evening my daughter was reached into the microwave and got piping hot soup out ..  She is only 4 and is is in pain.. Now we went to the ER last night and the doc said she has 2nd and 3rd degree burns on her torso and hand.. It looks so terrible.. And i feel so bad for her..

  But with that said i am having a horrible time ,, The Doc cave her lortab, and i am barely holding myself together,  i know she needs it i know that.. But it seems like everything inside me wants it and my brain is trying to trick me saying one wont hurt..  And i'm trying to keep her in front of me at all times so i will remember and have a purpose as to why i wont take it.. And so far it has worked, But i am literally feeling so irritable, and feel as though i will let that little girl down if i do that..  my baby girl means so much to me and i feel like **** that i feel like this.. I thought at 63 days clean i would have been past this part.. But the truth of the matter is i'm struggling and crying my eyes out not know what to do..
      i haven't taken any of her med's but the temptation is definately there..  i am such a horrible mother.. And my kids deserve a better mother than me..  


So yeah i'm sorry for the pitty party and rambling i just had to get it out in the open.. I feel guilty just for thinking like this..  

Thanks for listening

Sophia

[Sharon0255]

You are a sober mother and so sorry that your little girl was hurt. of course you want to use that would be my first thought too. But please know this God doesn't make mistakes you were sober when your daughter was hurt and that's the miracle. Tell your heed to shut up; and the guilt you're having about being a bad mother is all tied to one stupid thought (the most natural one for an addict at 60 days to have by the way) your head is trying to make you feel guilty for having a thought so you'll use.
Listen to your heart and know that your daughter feels safer when you're clean, something I learned from my babies that are now grown men they were scared when i was high and they were little, god loves you just the way you are and we've all got your back, stay strong and thanks for sharing your pain i hope it is lessened, and NO GUILT just try and accept thats how we think. Peace and positve thoughts and prayers Sharon

[amber22245]

I haven't got on here in a while so im just now seeing your post sorry girl....You are NOT a bad mother because of that though....when my son was 2 1/2 he had surgery and he was given liquid hydrocodone and I was full blown in my addiction and I didnt even think twice about taking ALL of it and telling the doc he knocked it over i mean thats bad! Temptation is just that temptation....YOU are STRONGER than this!! hope your daughter is feeling better now...hugs

[phiaNorcoqueen]

thank you everyone, thats exactly what  i needed.. Too hear all of those reassuring words..  Andi got on here as soon as i woke up to let eveyone know I DID NOT NOR AM I GOING TO USE !!!  I just had a really moment of weakness.. But i am not giving in to this addiction demon.. Well thank you all so much.. i'm going camping and leaving in a few hours so atleast i will be doing something that will occupy my mind and body.. hahaha i love camping..  

  Talk to you all soon

  Sophia

[zoea]

U will be fine lovely. U posted instead. U had a thought that's all. Nothing more and nothing less.

Sending love to u and your daughter.

Keep strong

Zoe x

[staticage]

wow..didnt even read comments,,your not a bad mom cause u crave whats there..its quite the contrary..your 60 something days clean..that is a great thing to say..u went through the hell of wds to probly b the mom u are...strong,,to say the least..im day seven and this is a battle,,hope your child feels better,,,burns are tough pain...but she will heal...my prayers wiil b with you tonight...

[Allscrewdup]

Hear dat, lost no more rocks

[buncogirl003]

You my friend are truely an amazing person!  You answer every cry...put a positive spin on the darkest of thoughts!  Pick me and many others off the ground.  You speak honestly and obviously from your heart!

I am still here..........with help from YOU and a few others and I just hope you know how comforting you are to sooo many!  I see you "pounce" on every post in need of help!  I just hope you know how much that means......to help strangers as if they were friends!  WOW....can not express how wonderful and rare that is!

With that said....made it thru 1 day here where I actually did a few need to do's...a few want to dos......NO tears....lots of pure PANIC,,,,,,,but 1 second at a time.

You haven't heard the last from me....one good day is a start!  Praying for 2 in a row!

Take care of you!!!!

[buncogirl003]

You my friend are truely an amazing person!  You answer every cry...put a positive spin on the darkest of thoughts!  Pick me and many others off the ground.  You speak honestly and obviously from your heart!

I am still here..........with help from YOU and a few others and I just hope you know how comforting you are to sooo many!  I see you "pounce" on every post in need of help!  I just hope you know how much that means......to help strangers as if they were friends!  WOW....can not express how wonderful and rare that is!

With that said....made it thru 1 day here where I actually did a few need to do's...a few want to dos......NO tears....lots of pure PANIC,,,,,,,but 1 second at a time.

You haven't heard the last from me....one good day is a start!  Praying for 2 in a row!

Take care of you!!!!

[buncogirl003]

Sophia....you can do this! IThe ONLY think I KNOW right now literally......is...I will NEVER take another pain med after 10 years taking 6-8 and being off them almost 7 weeks,

As everyone has told me...dig deep....for YOU and your child!

[n8tiv_ndn]

Glad I could help......and thank you for the kind words I would do anything for my kids and I'm sure you feel the same.....she is lucky to have you for her Mom.....take care of you both.....peace

n8tiv_ndn

[phiaNorcoqueen]

thanks you are such a nice person..  And oh yes i want to stay right where we are..  with you in the rear view mirror hahahaha.. j/k j/k finding it to be a little easier if i try to laugh about it..  And thank you for saying i'm a good mother .. At times i don't feel like it, addiction seems to strip you bare and leave you with marks ...  it's brutal ..

[phiaNorcoqueen]

i know i am trying to keep my eye on that dang prize ..  i'm just tending to see it a little further away now..  huh!!  but i wont use i wont use i wont use.. i keep telling myself that..

[phiaNorcoqueen]

wow, thanks for thinking about me and caring so much,   and yes i know your situation had to have been really tough.. And i know all to well about the **** we do to fee our addiction..  But i'm so glad you two have been able to patch things up.. As it is very important for a  girl to have a father.. And that makes you a great person..  And i really don't want to do anything to dishonor my family or myself.. i just really needed to hear it from others and thank you so much for being so honest with me..  And i don't plan to use i just really needed to talk with others for help.. so thank you so much for helping ..  

Sophia

[NorthEast213]

Sophia  You will get through this....  Keep your eye on the prize.

Sent you a message..

Keep posting when these feelings hit you like a train...

[ricart70]

So sorry to hear about your daughter and hope she gets better soon.
What about your hub?could you just give the meds to him and have hime dispense.That may make it easier.sorry though

[LostNoMore]

That's the attitude! Let's stay right where we are. I like it this way, don't you?
I know for a fact that your daughter will get all the love and attention she needs and deserves. You're a fantastic mother and don't ever forget it!

[n8tiv_ndn]

i am really sorry that happened to your child....I teared up while reading it...I sure hope she heals soon....As for your trial and temptation I completely understand...when i was going thru a detox from opiates back about 10 years ago I was faced with a similar situation in that my daughter who was 14 at the time had some dental work done and had some lortabs she was given for the pain, and she really did need them...well I knew she had them and was "in between" refills and hadn't had anything for a couple of days and I made the HORRIBLE WRONG decision and took...no I STOLE  her last 4!!!!!  I felt extremely bad about it and of course she knew where they went but I lied about it as we addicts tend to do.....but she knew.....I have  carried around A LOT OF GUILT about it for many years...we have since worked it out and my daughter loves me.......but I will admit I still feel bad about it and see it as one of the worst things I have ever done to feed my addiction..... so think about it long and hard and I am sure you will make the right decision I have faith that you will....sending prayers for your daughter, yourself and strength to you both....peace......

n8tiv_ndn

[phiaNorcoqueen]

thanks lost, i just really needed to hear exactly that.. and yes we are so closely in our clean times.. And i will be damned if i let you get ahead of me for some bs lol..j/k  But thank you so much you really have been a wonderful person and friend to me..

[LostNoMore]

Sophia...You're going to be Ok. I would have the same feelings if I were in your shoes, I just absolutely know I would!! You are NOT a horrible mother.
Accidents happen. It's good that you  posted about this which means to me that you're not going to give up your extremely hard-won clean time. take some deep breaths. Pray. You will be fine. I know the temptation is there, but
you DO NOT HAVE to act on it. I'm so sorry about your daughter. She's going to be OK. She needs the meds, YOU DON'T. You know I'm right behind you with 60 days myself and yes, I'm also experiencing some cravings and anxiety about using. We've done for this long, now we know we can keep doing it, right? Hang in there.