Relapsed

[Overwhelmed10]

Its with a heavy heart and great shame that I write this.  Yesterday a whirlwind of events led me to take a percocet, and I'm back where I began.  I fear I may just not be strong enough to do this.  I feel so awful, all the wonderful people on here helping me, encouraging me, giving me advice and support-all for me to go and mess it all up.  I did realize yesterday having my husband home during such a rough day did not help.  Not going to blame him-I FULLY BLAME ME for my decisions to put that pill in my mouth.  I was telling him over and over how I had the "flu", didn't feel well, and yesterday I really felt like crap.  Yet he could not help me with my daughter because the super bowl and its 24 hour build up programming (eye roll) was more important.  I am the only one that changes diapers, am trying to potty train her(unsuccessfully :( )  I am the only one that does any sort of housework whatsoever.  I am the one that cares for our 3 rescue dogs and cat, that we have had long before my daughter arrived.  He is a slob and I am a bit OCD, so thats always been an issue.  The house right now looks like a tornado hit.  I know I need to let that sh## go, but I have a very hard time having a messy home, as ridiculous as it sounds, I cannot function like that.  I had to bathe my sweet baby-he has never bathed her once her entire life.  I was looking for marker tops she had thrown somewhere-yes the idiot gave her markers!!! And God forbid I got in the way of the TV and was  asking too many questions about where she put the marker tops and he snaps at me big time.  So I have tears in my eyes, but I'm stil not giving in at this point.  I got the bedroom and start reading my Deepak Chopra book that I've found comforting( in tryingh to deal with my father's situation), and phone rings, its my mom.  She had went to see my Dad, (they have been divorced for 32 years but are still "family.")  He can barely see now.  He just got over a bug that almost killed him, he was given 2-3 months to live (bone cancer) and now he is losing his vision!  Can this man get a break?  This sweet sweet simple country man, full of love, can he get a damn break? ??  Last time I was up I had taken him to get a new hearing aid and new glasses.  They said he had growths (thats not the word----I cant think of the word now darnit) but he had something growing behind his eyes.  But because of his terminal condition, his oncologist said theres nothing to be done.  Ya know when you are terminal it seems you are "done" and nobody in the medical field gives a freaking crap about you.  So I get off phone and I bawl, hubby asks whats going on and I tell him and his response, "Theres no reason something should be wrong with his eyes."  Ummm ok idiot, thanks for ....that.  Then my sister had apparently gotten same news and she starts texting about how Dad will need to go into a nursing home-the ONE thing my father has always begged us not to do.  I'm not doing that!  I said no he can come stay with me and we will get him a hospice nurse set up here.  I will care for him.  It would be great if my sister, who is older than me, has grown children out of the house, owns a LARGE home, does not work, husband is out of town working for weeks at a time, makes great $-would be great if she offered to take him in.  But hell no-thats too much to ask.  So I will-in our tiny 3 bedroom ranch, one bathroom, on a tight budget.  But I will do it.  Then questions "what are you doing about this, have you called hospice about that?  More questions about Dad's money-because I'm sure she will show up for that in the end!  I'm just appalled with her. I'm so hurt for my Dad and she doesn't give a crap, unless it has to do with his money nor property.  I have done ALL the footwork, getting his hospice set up, dr appointments, having him sign power of attorneys and ask about wills-things I DID NOT want to do and that were very UNPLEASANT for me to do, but I was only one doing it.  Then I have no support at home.  The pressure has been enormous..I see my husband for who he really is, and I REMEMBER this was who he always was.  My drugged up mind lied to me and helped me deal with him and I actually thought things were in a better place!  Isn't that crazy?  No girl-you were just HIGH!!!  He's still an a**!  So somewhere throughout this I took a pill.  And the odd thing?  It gave me a damn headache!  A very dull headache at base of my neck.  Then about an hour after, I got SEVERE anxiety.  I hid in the bathroom and cried and cried.  I felt like I needed to get medical care, I have never felt so anxious ever.  I feel like the percocet had a very strange negative affect on me.  So I take a klonnoppin, which I dont care for, IDK why, they just dont make me feel better.  I have them prescribed since I had bad depression and anxiety after my daughter was born, but I only take them now when I absolutely need them.  After I took one I waited, and it did help a bit, but not enough.  SO I took another.  And you would think my tolerance would be low as I'm not a regular user of those.  But 2 did bring me to a calm.  I took my daughter into the bed and we read books and stories and let my husband have the living room to himself.  Her and I fell asleep and he must have came in and saw and ended up sleeping on sofa,  which was fine with me.  My little sweet angel wrapped her arms around my head and said "I love you Mommy", something she rarely rarely says.  And it felt so good.  If it were not for her, I would not survive any of this.  I'm obviously not doing a good job, but sometimes I wonder if I could keep it together AT ALL if it weren't for being her mommy.  I know I have to be here for her.  She is my everything.  Other than that my life is full of pain, a disrespectful husband, watching my father die and suffer.  My mother whom I love and I know loves me-a great person-but she herself is married to an alcoholic, so its hard for me to stay with her for long lengths of time.  I can only handle being there so long..I am coming to realize any friends I had in this state are not "real" friends.  If I'm not out drinking and partying, then I don't hear from them.  Honestly I'd rather not at this point.  Still lonely feeling though.
Long post.  Sorry I am feeling sorry for myself.  Im a big huge failure.  I'm attempting to start over today, but I'm finding it hard to recover like this and take care of me when I can't get any help from my significant other.  Im so tired of living this lie-this big fat farce.  On outside we look like we are such a great couple-everything is just fab.  What a lie.  If everyone knew the truth.  I don't even feel like I deserve to be on this forum anymore with these strong people that have overcome, are overcoming.  And here I am.  What a freaking loser.  I'm sorry I wasted your time.  Especially some of you that just encouraged me so every day.  To let you all down....I almost decided to just not log on here again. But I needed to get the truth out.  I'm so sorry.  Except for my child I'm not seeing anything beautiful in this world anymore.  Its all just pain and more pain.  

My Dad just called me.  I'm bawling.  He sounds so weak.  I need to get up there this week.  I cannot sop crying.  I dont want to lose him.  Why is everything like this?  Why!!

[Rekovrd]

Don't give up on your decision to stay clean over one pill! You can do this and taking that pill doesn't mean you can't do it,just that it might b tougher then you expected when stress hits you hard.you can learn from this and be able to recognize a weak moment and find ways to stop it from making you use.  Good luck.
TaKE CaRE