shooting up

[jleeflcntrygrl]

Please don't judge. Anyway I have been in recovery for almost 14 months. I was an addict for all of my adult life. Any way my question is to anyone with a similar story. At my rock bottom I was stickin a needle in my arm with roxies(my DOC) and coke. Even though I didn't shoot myself up, I had a "friend" do it. I didn't know how. But now I'm not cravin the actual drugs, I've been thinkin I miss havin someone shoot me up. The rush I guess its called. I absolutely don't wana realpse. I have doubled my meetings and stepped up my work book work. But why after all this time am I missin the" prick" of the needle? Anyone else experience this? And how do I stop it?? Help please!!

[clean_in_ks]

Kudos to you for posting about how you're feeling.  

You said you've cut all people out of your life that use drugs or alcohol, including family.  That you are very lonely.  That you have doubled your meetings and increased your workbook work.  And you said this:

" I talk to others at meetings but I don't think its a good idea for addicts to chill together when bored."

Do you mean you don't think it's a good idea for "recovering addicts" to chill together?  Like to go have coffee or something after a meeting?
Or go to a bonfire, or a campout, or a weekend retreat, or a dance, or a conference with other recovering addicts?

Even if you step up meetings and increase the work on "self" thru your work book.....it won't ease the isolation if you aren't around other human beings that you can laugh with, share with, cut up with, talk about recovery with, get hugs from, etc.  The only way we can break our old habit of isolation is to be around other people.  If you family isn't a good choice, then finding a group of women that ALSO share your desire to stay clean seems like it would help.  
As human beings, we weren't really "designed" to be an island....to be alone.....you have many beautiful qualities about yourself that will never be shared with others, too.  I find that when I give of myself to others....it comes back to me tenfold....and brings me LOTS of joy.

[motye51]

I think this is normal...it's just a fixation.  I can honestly say I don't crave a pill/ or sub but I can still feel, periodically, when I would have gone into my purse to get one? It's weird...I just feel it in my bones "Yep, this is when I would've taken one"..... Hopefully, this too shall pass.  Good job on your clean time.  Quite impressive :)

[ActingBrandNew]

Ive been clean 4+ years and I can relate to that feeling. I started IV use when I was a teenager. It just takes time. I still have an "itch" when I get blood drawn. I wish I didn't but its something I have to deal with.

"And at church people are so dang judgemental. Lol "

You know...people can be judgmental everywhere you go. If people are judgmental at the church you go to...your at the wrong church. My church is very accepting and non judgmental. But...if church isn't your thing...then it isn't your thing. You have to do what works for you. (Obviously you are :)

[EvolverU]

You sound like a strong, smart girl! I can relate to the bored/restless/lonely thing. I've found that work really helps & the relationships that I've formed there. (But then I'm blessed to work w/ some really neat people). I hear you on not lowering your standards!! (Good one).

If you're spiritually inclined, have you considered a non-denominational (read: liberal) church. You can meet all sorts of interesting people that way. You might also consider joining a Yoga, meditation or martial arts class?

[jleeflcntrygrl]

I think u hit the nail on the head when u said are u bored or restless. I have cut all people who use drugs or alchol outa my life. Including family. I'm very lonely lately. I have no one to hangout with or talk to. I will not lower my standards. I talk to others at meetings but I don't think its a good idea for addicts to chill together when bored. What's that quote "idle hands are the devils playtoys". And at church people are so dang judgemental. Lol

[EvolverU]

Hi there & Congrats on your clean time & your hard work!

I too have been an addict (IV Heroin & then Methadone) for most of my adult life. The 25th of this month will mark my year & a half clean.

Though I no longer experience what you describe, I have in the past. It totally rang a bell! I've always believed that there's a special set of challenges associated with the IV addict getting & staying clean. We get addicted to the 'Rituals' involved not to mention the intense rush. These are 'habits' in themselves. I too, used to shoot 'speedballs' (coke & dope) & know how intense they can be.

So, please know that you're not alone. I've known plenty of addicts who were addicted to shooting up or having someone else hit them. In fact, one of the ways that I was finally able to let heroin go, was to dispense with needles & snort it. I did it less & less & finally dropped it altogether. The last step for me was to let the Methadone go.

In your case, I'd hazard that this is your 'habit's' way of blindsiding you (trying to pull you back under). As you know from your meetings, this is a lifelong battle & people sometimes 'fall' after considerable lengths of clean time. I've discovered from my own experience & through comparing notes with friends that these urges seem to run in cycles. (Meaning: Recovery isn't a straight vector of improvement but is influenced by not only your commitment but your physical & emotional healing/well-being & your response to stress in your life -- both conscious & unconscious). I'm not sure how old you are but It takes much longer to neurally heal from a lifetime of hardcore use than many believe. We have to build a whole new life -- a whole new us. It's a process & I think that it's awesome that you've stuck with it & that you posted about this. (I'm also glad that you put the word 'friend' in quotes! :) Too right!

The question I'd ask myself if I were experiencing what you are is: Can I put my finger on what might be causing stress in my life? Am I bored or restless? Do I have satisfying relationships around me?

Please don't feel embarrassed or afraid to post your concerns. No one here will judge you. (If they do, they've got work to do on themselves & their recovery). This is a community of supportive & caring individuals. In fact, I was surprised to discover some of the strongest & least judgmental people I've 'met' in my life here. Truly, this site has been a miracle for many of us. :)

Have you talked to your sponsor (if you have one) about this?

Please, let us know how you're doing & what you think/feel. We're here & we're pulling for you. :))

[slomedz805]

aww hun no one would judge you not one bit on this forum..:) unfortunetly it is a slow time and i dont have the experience to be able to be of help but i assure you as people wake up they will be more then willing to help. god bless you hang tight you have come to the right place!