Suboxone, xanax and the Gates of Hell

[thhom]

I was on suboxone for 8 years at about 14mg, tapered down to 2mg and jumped off 17 days ago. I know others have gone through higher jump offs, but I'm extremely depressed, can't hardly move, suicidal and living in squalor. I actually urinated on myself in bed and didn't get up to clean myself!!! For months I laid in bed in terror counting my breaths trying in vein to drift off to sleep. I showered every couple weeks and feared it was my time to leave this world. I lost the ability to determine what life is for or about, and couldn't contemplate why the human experience does good toward others and is generally helpful minded. I was reduced to a primitive animal searching feverishly for a tiny reason to live for.

This is a good site and I've real allot about the long half life and the tribulations of my sisters and brothers out there enduring this battle. A little bit more:  Three months ago I jumped off all my meds cold turkey except sub (as I continued my taper). They were as follows:

xanax (OMG! THE HELL!!!)
antidepressant
adderall
testosterone
2 blood pressure meds

I ended up in the hospital the 3rd day I stopped taking xanax, and had been on up to 4 mg / day. I had seizures and lost conscious. 22 hours slipped by as they worked to stabilize my seizures. I am now clean from benzo's for over 3 months and still feel very badly. I was totally ignorant to the protracted (long) withdrawal phase as my GABA receptors are slowly working their way the the surface to fire properly again. I believe it will be at least another 3 to 5 months until I feel human. Would anyone with this similar benzo experience please tell me how they faired please?

Yesterday I made an attempt on my life. My doctor had put me on an SSRI and clonadine which drove me to intolerable panic attacks leaving me both wanting to die and live simultaneously??? I cried in his office today as he he counseled me and held my hand. He wisely put me back on Adderall and I am feeling like I'm going to live. Today just after the first dose, the suicidal ideation vanished and I did my dishes and cleaned my kitchen for the first time in 2 months!!

Please post on this thread as to about how much longer this Sub hell will continue. Thank you all so very much for your kindness, candidness and support. I'm glad I found all of you.

[motye51]

I too jumped from a pretty high dose of subs and I will be as honest as I can be regarding how long it took me. 3 days before real w/d kicked in then took roughly 3/4 weeks for the physical part to stop but after that was a total mind ****!!!! I started going to n/a which I swear to God made my brain feel somewhat better! Actually physically feel better! It took about the 3 month mark for my "head games" to start to subside. I have now been off the subs almost 5 months. I swear to u it does start to get better. I would think if u have been diagnosed with depression, the subs and tapering and jumping off are adding to it.
It's a game that your mind and the drugs play!!!! It's not a fun game, for sure, but to win, you must not listen to those thoughts! Your on an awful lot of meds, does your Dr that prescribes the adderall and clonopine and benzos, also prescribe u the subs? Maybe its time to sit down with a new Dr, show him your list of meds, and come up with a plan of attack!
Just remember, this part WILL PASS!!!!
GOOD LUCK TO U AND KEEP US POSTED!