Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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4149717 tn?1389507161

Time to get humble and honest!

Its time for me to get humble. I come on here daily, wanting to help people get clean while getting clean as well. I have heard from many that I have been so helpful to them and have been a rock, etc. So if I am really going to help people then I have to be honest with you all, and be honest with myself.

I relapsed yesterday and I dont want to talk alot right now about how I relapsed, but more so as to WHY.  In the beginning of me getting clean, I was riding that infamous pink cloud! There was NO way I was going to ever touch another pill again U would tell myself!  I was Doing everything different this time! I had this this time!!  I was going to therapy to get to the root of why I use. I cut off all my sources, and actually moved to another state! I was going to AA meetings. In the beginning, A couple times a week but eventually, everyday and I got a sponsor to help me work the program. I told my secret to my family and some of my friends. I told my Dr. and I redflagged myself at my pharmacy! I did EVERYTHING that I tell people to do. So why did I relapse then???

Besides the fact that this disease is so strong.  heres where I failed. As that Pink cloud started to disappear, I was left with my own head and my own feelings. Like Most of us will be! So instead of reaching out to people and screaming from the rooftops that I was struggling emotionally, and having cravings, I very slowly over the last few weeks started isolating. I told myself I DONT NEED TO TELL ANYONE!! IM 2 months clean now! But THIS is where I went wrong. I slowly stopped going out with my sober friends. I slowly stopped talking about my feelings and how they were triggering me. I started to internalize again. I even stopped coming on here as much. I kept putting myself in situations where I would be tested and tempted! Now I realize probably because I wanted to fail.

The reason I am telling everyone this is because I see alot of people who are riding the pink cloud once they are done detoxing and think that they are done with the hard work. They start to pull away from the things that kept them clean, and they start to change their patterns back to those addictive patterns. I now know I was INCREDIBLY guilty of this. I was going through the motions of putting in the work, But I know I wasnt putting in 100% anymore to my recovery. The second we stop putting in 100% to our recovery, is when you are destined to relapse like I did.

This isnt easy AT ALL to tell you all. Im embaressed and ashamed! But I  want to share with all of you guys who have been there for me, and who I have been there for because  I hope that the reason for my failure will be a help  to others so they dont end up here, and feeling like I feel now. This disease is cunning and baffling and  The lesson I have learned from this is I cant EVER stop giving 100% to my recovery!

So anyways, Thanks everyone for listening!

Love ya all, my MH family!
98 Responses
1253584 tn?1332881554
We only have today. If ur depressed its bc ur living n yesterday and if ur anxious it's bc u r living in tomorrow. Never forget to live n the now. In this very moment. Not 5 mins ago and not 5 mins later. Just now. Not now but right now... Like...now...no wait.....RIGHT NOW! Lol

We r so alike that I know exactly how many pills u took and that's one to many. If u don't swallow it, shoot it, or put it up ur nose then u can't get high or drunk. Remember that.

Learn from this and dust urself off n try again and tell yourself every morning u wake up that ur stronger than yesterday.
495284 tn?1333897642
I am so proud of you for being honest.  Now you can finally move forward.  I hold you very dear to me Teresa, we will get thru this~
Avatar universal
Hi Teresa, I'm sorry to hear about that and I totally understand what you mean. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It is a learning process. I actually went to my first NA meeting today and if it wasn't for your advice and others on this site I probably wouldn't have made it this far. Anyways my point is I was going through the NA book and I was surprised to see that in the book they say that every member in NA does relapse at least once. I was surprised by that. I wish after a certain time we could just be cured but as you probably this is something that will always be inside of us.

It is unfortunate that you relapsed but the bigger tragedy would be not caring and obviously you do. Just think of it as a small road bump in the grand scheme of things. Try not to think of it as a failure but as eliminating the things that don't work so you can live a clean and happy life. I relapsed kinda of as well last week. I had two pills and knew things were about to go downhill so I posted here and took the good people advice and flushed. It was a bad idea having those two pills because it opened an old wound kinda and I'm still craving more but my point is at least I didn't make it worse.

Anyways you should be proud of yourself that you made it two months. You have the right attitude about it though just wanted to offer you my support and encouragement!
4149717 tn?1389507161
Gurl, Ive cried enough over the last 3 days! Stop it!! lol
4149717 tn?1389507161
Thank you so much!  I actually was 7 days shy of 3 months, but it doesnt matter because the bigger picture isnt how MANY clean days I have. The big picture is long term sobriety and getting there. You did the right thing by flushing those pills! Dont stop putting in 100% into your recovery!

thank you again for your support! It means alot!
3060903 tn?1398568723
I'm SO proud of you , and you've still got those 3 months, shy 7 days CLEAN AND SOBER AND IT''S TRULY A MIRACLE ~ 10,000 steps forward 1/2 a step back. You're bound to win over this thing. Keep fighting the good fight...xoxo. .
Avatar universal
I admire your honesty. You know how hard it is to come clean with people the first time around and I expect it is just as difficult if not more on a relapse. But like you told me...you can do it. Well not those exact words but close enough. I will continue to look for your words of wisdom during my process of regaining my life.
2083449 tn?1381358308
I don't know what to say! I do know that you have had so much drama in your life in your nearly 3 months clean! Think about it, your knee surgery, your mothers illness, your friends sudden passing, the situation at your Aunts house, your cousin visiting during the holidays.... It seems like you are always dealing with something major! I dont think ive ever seen so much happen to someone in such a short period of time. Getting off pain pills is very difficult in the best of circumstances, and nearly impossible with all that you have had to deal with! With all of that going on all the time, I know I wouldn't have been able to do it! Was there something that triggered this relapse yesterday?

Maybe you need some attention! By that I mean you need to focus on you, and just you! Maybe you are trying to hard to be everything to everyone! Take some time to focus on yourself and your recovery. Make it your priority and let nothing stand in your way.  Pick yourself up, dust off, and start moving forward again.

I'm not sure I really made any sense, but it's difficult to know exactly what to say. I hope you get the attention you are seeking, that you need for yourself and your sobriety! All the best!
4149717 tn?1389507161
Interesting choice of words...but yes I do need to focus more on myself and thats been my problem.

Thank you for your words
2083449 tn?1381358308
Sorry, I'm not really good with words at all, but I hope you understood what I meant!
Avatar universal
I was awestruck reading your post. Please don't feel embaressed and ashamed. You came back! And your honesty is a wonderful example of the recovery you have, that is still going strong. Hey, we drink we drug, we have the disease of addiction. Being clean isn't the norm for us, it's something we slowly learn to do. And when we're newly sober it doesn't take much to slip.  But you're back, and you're picking up where you left off.

I came very close myself. I'm newly sober and clean, and I held on by the skin of my teeth between Christmas and New Years. I missed a bunch of my AA/NA meetings because of closed meeting places or personal family stuff. All my feelings, my isolation, and desire to use came back because of lack of treatment.

This stuff happens Teresa. Always remember the last sentence in the first step chapter of the NA basic text: "it's not where we were, but where we're going that counts".

You're heading for success. God bless! -Robert      
4149717 tn?1389507161
Sonrissa- I Understood what you meant :)

OpenMind-Thank you very much I appreciate your kind words and I am not giving up on myself ever. I hope noone does because we are all worth it.
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495284 tn?1333897642
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