Can an ex-user really change?

[NJgirl75]

I dated a guy who stood me up, constantly canceled plans, and cheated on me. After breaking up I found out he was using cocaine. I know when people are on drugs they often behave differently then they would if they were clean. He recently popped back into my life, says he has been clean for a year & apologizes constantly & begs for a 2nd chance. I know everyone is different... but in general, would you say the majority of people who stop drugs can be better people? The only reason I consider giving him a 2nd chance is because he was a drug addict before but it still scares me.

[carrieoffcocainenow]

i agree with kolo13. I might be able to get past everything but the cheating. In my experience if he cheated on you once, 9 out of 10 times he'll do it again! No matter what his reasons for doing it was! That being said, maybe he is the1 that won't do it again, but ask yourself this, even if he is that 1 guy, will you ever be able to have 100% trust in him again, or will you wonder what hes doing and who hes doing when hes not around you. If you do decide to give him a 2nd chance, take it slow andget to know eachother all over again then take it from there. Good luck to you!

[kim715]

We absolutely can change.I am not at all the person I was when I was using.Addiction doesn't define who we truly are inside.If you still have feelings for him I say go for it.Good luck to you...Kim

[leeisgettingclean]

YES people can change...WE change when we get off drugs,,we have to! please dont hold it against him forever either..go in it with a positive out look

[kolo13]

People can demonstrate horrible behavior caused by addiction. It's not really them and if they truly get clean that behavior disappears. However, some people have character flaws before addiction, it might even be a source of their addiction, and those aren't going to go away simply because they got clean. So you have to evaluate whether you think his bad behavior was symptomatic of his addiction. In other words, I know people (know him real well if you know what I mean) who lied and stole to get drugs to keep their addiction going and I don't think that clean they will lie or steal ever again. But I'm skeptical that cheating on your girlfriend could be blamed on addiction. But then again, even though the odds might be in your favor if you say once a cheater always a cheater, I am certain that everyone has the capacity to change for the better - they just don't always do so. Good luck.

[NJgirl75]

Gizzy, thank you so much for that response! Your description sounds very similiar to what I went through so it gives me hope!

[gizzy32]

Absolutely we do change. When i was on coke for just over 5 years i was not even close to the person I really was. My one ex, I would stand up all the time and sometimes leave in the middle of the night when i was over there, never cheated though. She did not deserve that and was good to me. I think we all deserve a 2nd chance, but you have to make sure he is clean and serious about STAYING clean, otherwise it will be very painful again for ya. Addicts in active use are very selfish, but once clean, i think we are the most caring and passionate people. Good luck and hope he stays clean and you both are happy:)

[NJgirl75]

I'd like to think so. We have mutual friends and they seem to think he is clean. But then I have other friends who think I am crazy for considering giving him another chance after what he put me through. If people change dramatically once they stop using, then that may be enough. But if people don't change that much once they are clean then I don't think I want to put myself out there.

[OIFMc09]

I say go for it, what's there to lose.  You should be able to get a good enough read on whether he's using or not before you become too emotionally invested.  Don't you think?

[desperatetostop]

in my humble opinion...if he is sincere he would NOT be 'begging' for another chance. go with your gut on this one. Personally, *I* wouldn't give him a second chance...but that's just me