I knew it was wrong to confide in my husband and I was right.

[justme1119]

I gave him the pills to hold.  He hid them, not very well.  I found them, I took them.  Now he's furious at me for making him look like a fool.  Tell me if I'm wrong, but this is not about him, is it?  The reason this all came up is because he asked me for a pill.  I told him that I took them.  He blew up.  This is so crazy.  And Thanksgiving too.

[ImDONENoMore]

Oh, and just wanted to mention, with or without addiction issues at play, I still believe it should be 50/50 when it comes to responsibilities in the marriage.  It's time for him to step up as well if he's not doing his part.  Just something to think about.

But like I said, just focus on getting well for now.

[ImDONENoMore]

You too!  And try to relax over the holiday whenever you can. And please let us know how you're doing.  You didn't really say if your plan was to quit entirely (I hope it is).  :)

[justme1119]

I meant it.  The thanks for sharing part.  Every time something like this happens I feel like we understand each other a little bit more.  I think I understand what he's thinking....it's not ok for me to be not ok.  Thank you all and have a great Thanksgiving.

[ImDONENoMore]

I understand.  I've been with my husband for almost 30 years as well.  It is complicated, I'm sure, but not hopeless.  But you have to be clean, and thinking clearly, before taking anything else on.  It just doesn't work any other way.

[ImDONENoMore]

OK well for now,  reach out to a someone else to get the help you need.  NA meetings, or a counselor, addictionolgist, someone who can help you through this.  And when some time has passed, and you're sober and feeling stronger, you can address your issues with him.

For now, you need to focus on getting well first.  The rest will come.

[justme1119]

He's strong physically.  I'm not.  I've had three knee replacements and lymphedema in my legs.  Pain in the shoulder, neck.  We don't fight.  We've been married 30 yrs in April.  Just so dang dysfunctional in so many ways.

[justme1119]

I've been saying for two years now that I have too much on my plate.  I've been desperately asking for relief.  He doesn't hear.

[clean_in_ks]

Ok "thank you for sharing"....I'm used to that cause people get overwhelmed easily with my mouth and that's what people say to me to shut me up but yet acknowledge me.  It's ok, I'm strong enough now to handle that.  But after saying all of the above, thought you might be ready to relate to something I shared.
My hubby didn't like to see me in w/drawals and the suffering I went thru.
So he "enabled" me for a very long time.  We have both given much labor to the working world and had enough $ to have made it.  BUT, when my hubby saw me miserable w/low amts of pills, he would assist and agree to spend the ridiculously HIGH price of pills from the street!!  And EACH time, he would say, "this is the LAST time honey".  I had scripts for me, for him and I was blowin thru both of those and overflowing to the streets.  I finally have is good and BROKE $$ NOW!!  I feel horrible guilt and shame because I put us in this mess.  He is past retirement age and is going to go back to work when this job starts.  Meanwhile, we are stressing about $ and I am not well enough to work or I"D be out there doing it.  I was bedridden for 2 yrs and just don't have the "PHYSICAL" health to do it YET.
But you can bet your bottom dollar I will when I am healed more and ABLE to.  He shouldn't be paying MY price.  He says now...."I allowed it and participated, too".  He did, but he was sick too from living with ME!  And he now knows he enabled me.  He has forgiven me, I cried with him tonight after I posted all this to you!  It made it fresh again for me and I hurt that I hurt HIM!!  I never lied to him in my life B4 OPIATES!!  So, just some more food for thought....maybe you're not like me, but your sharing was something I could REALLY relate to......so I'm sharing again.

[justme1119]

We talked, he said how my mood swings effect the family, etc.  I listened.  I said, ok, I won't get any more.  He said, no--that's worse.  I said how.  He said then you're really bad, or something like that.  He said just don't ask me to help again.  Thank you guys for responding to me tonight.  It really helps.  I have an appt. with a counselor next week.  We'll see.  

[notordinary]

I know he feels like a fool, because he thought after you put your trust in him, you broke this trust. Period.
I wish you luck. I believe one has to keep it in there mind the plan that will work for them and stick to it.
Like me today i have only taken 4 pills all day its 6pm here now. Usual day i would have taken 4 pills by noon. So I'm trying my hardest, not only doing it by myself but to try and get off these as fast as i can with the least amount of wd.
You will get there if you want to. It is all in your mind.
God speed and keep on track you can do it.  

[ImDONENoMore]

No, I totally get what you're saying.  We all thought we were more productive on the pills.. that is until the day comes when we run out and then we realize we can't even move, let alone "carry our load"... that's when we know just how bad it is and how false that sense of being "superwoman" really was.

The thing is, we aren't supposed to be "super" women.  We're human - we have good days and we have bad days.  The problem is the bad days soon outweigh the good ones when pills are ruling our life.

So what's your plan now?  Are you quitting for good?

[ricart70]

it is an automatic response for a loved one(usually a non addict) to think they can fix us.When this doesn't work out they are usually very disappointed in themselves and also disappointed in the addict they are trying to "help".The truth is that the responsibility lies in our hands and not the helper,although we would love it if they were solely responsible for keeping us clean.

[justme1119]

Probably because I can carry my load when I'm on them.  I hate saying that.  But it is probably the closest thing to truth.

[ImDONENoMore]

I don't know, I still think it's male pride that's causing this behavior.  He might feel stupid, but I have to imagine he's more worried for you than anything else.  Why do you think he says you should keep getting more pills?

[justme1119]

I don't think so.  What he's really mad about is that I put tylenol in the bottles that I had divided for each week.  I was embarrassed to let him know I'd failed once again.  I never should have put myself in this position.  He felt foolish for falling for it.  I didn't have to tell him.  I could have just said no.  What's tragic is that honesty in my marriage is scary.  Well that's one of the tragic things, not to mention my problem.

[cleaninitup]

Do you think he is more mad that his supply is going to be cut off also?

[justme1119]

Thank you for sharing.  

[justme1119]

Thanks for responding.  If he was really concerned wouldn't he tell me not to get them.  And he said, "Don't ever ask me to do that again, you made me look like a fool."  But I get what you're saying.

[clean_in_ks]

The anger for "making him look like a fool" is his problem.  So is the past drinking problem, Xanex and opiate (even if on occasion).  Maybe HE can do that sparingly.  But it sounds like you CAN'T....

My husband was my "major gatekeeper" of "my" pills.  He hid them for over a year.....and I WOULD TEAR THE HOUSE, THE GARAGE, HIS TRUCK, MY CAR.....WHATEVER...apart until I found them!  The narcotics in my blood, brain and saturating my body DROVE ME......cause that's what narcotic addiction screams for!!!  It didn't matter where he hid them.  And as soon as I found them I'd get out a bunch (if the bottle was full) and hope he didn't count them.  He always caught me......and he was always hurt and disappointed.,.......it broke his heart to see me behaving like this.
But......it really isn't about your husband..........and it puts them in a horrible position.  We played a lot of games "for me".  Wrote down the time and amount, counted, used two bottles, he even started hiding them in a pamphlet in the office.  I'd just listen and snoop later.  I ALWAYS found them.  Even when he started hiding them in the garage!!!  It's shameful....of me.....and was opiate saturated behaviour without a doubt!!
Hope you will realize sooner than I did that this won't work either.  But you'll get there when you get there.  Addiction is a FAMILY illness....even if its just husband and wife.  Cunning, baffling and powerful.  And our loved ones get sick, too, just from living with us!
Blessings to you girl~

[ImDONENoMore]

Actually, I don't believe the anger was about him looking like a fool.  It probably goes a lot deeper than that.  I remember how my my addiction hurt my husband and how much he tried to help, and I knew I had a lot of fences to mend after I got clean.  It's a responsibility we have to take.  And we have to see their side of our addiction too.  I know that's hard to do, but you have to do it.

Maybe counseling would help you and the both of you too?  Let's face it, we create a lot of messes while we're high, and those messes don't go away once we're clean.  That takes time.  A lot of time in my case, but it was worth it.

[justme1119]

The anger was about him looking like a fool.  

[justme1119]

No, I was honest with him about the fact that I found them and took them, and he blew a gasket.  I've spilled my guts to him about what I'm going through.  He encourages me to keep getting the pills.  I do feel the problem is mine.  I guess I want concern, empathy, not anger.

[ImDONENoMore]

Wait a minute, please tell me you aren't blaming him for this, are you?  This didn't happen because he didn't hide the pills well enough, you know that, right?  You know that's not the problem here.  Don't mean to sound harsh, just trying to get you to hear yourself here.

[justme1119]

I don't think so.  He ask for one every so often.  He takes Xanax but from what I know, he takes it sparingly.  He used to have a drinking problem, but he overcame that.  I just told him the truth.  If he turns this against me and tells anyone, I'm divorcing him.  I don't know what he's so mad.  He knows my pattern.  I just thought I would try and have him dole them out this month. I wanted it to work.  It would have if he had hid them better.  I looked five minutes, I promise.  I know.  It's messed up.