Why cant I just stop!

[Ken]

I am getting so fed up with myself. This **** has such a hold on me that I want to just give in and say I am a junkie and will always be one. I blew it again! Eight days clean and I had to cop some pills. Now Ive been taking them for three days And know that I am gonna feel awful again.Its like Lays potato chips , you cant eat just one , I feel like a fool to keep going back on this **** when I have been through the hard part of detoxing off of them. I know I should go in to an inpatient program, but I dont want my family and friends to know that I am hooked on drugs again. They think I am doing so good since I have gotten  off the alcohol and cocaine, now to tell my parents that I am a junkie would kill them. I just wish there was an easy way to keep myself away from these god awful drugs. I am starting again please pray for me and respond with your words of wisdom. Chad if your out there , tell me how brother. Ken

[Lynn to Neena]

One more thing and then I'll let someone else talk.  You know the saying "Pain has no Memory?" After we put ourself through the agony of withdrawal, we swear we will NEVER put bodies through that kind of torment again. But along come more pills, and we conveniently forget about all the pain we just endured. So we take 2 steps forward and 5 steps back each time we relapse. Why do we willingly and knowingly abuse ourselves?
Don't forget to help me with One day at a time. OK? Thank you fellow pill poppers. I don't feel so all alone.

[Lynn to Neena]

Finally, a websight after my own heart. I am full blown addicted to percocets, been eating them for 10 years now, but the addiction is getting worse since my tolerance is so high. I'm eating more pills to get that "energy" I used to, but its not happening. I'm a pig with them, plain and simple.  I got 30 last Monday and said I was gonna save them for the weekend. They lasted exactly 8 hours. Then I got nervous because I knew I'd be sick so I called everyone I knew and finally I found this girl who broke her leg and she sold me some.  Last month I almost broke down, I looked in the mirror and wanted to smash it! I looked like ****, puffy face, bags under my eyes, just awful.  So I really tried to taper and it worked for a few days. I got myself down to just 2 pills in the morning, I only felt slight withdrawal, because I was still giving my body opiates. But then 2 people called and I caved in and bought 100 of them! I'm sick of this cycle. Cop, pig out, start to detox, feel better, then get more. Rehab won't work, I'll get clean and wont be able to say no to the people who call. I envy all the ones who are clean and sober. Can someone explain the One day at a time theory? I don't know what it is like to be clean for one day. HEEEEEELP!

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

My girlfriend has a different outlook on things. I asked her to write you guys and she keeps saying yes but she never does. Anyway, I got shot down today for my school loan. I even had a co-signer. That means I truly have nothing to look forward to. I have been on this workman's comp for over a year and a half. Some people think that sitting at home getting paid is great. Well, after two or three weeks you run out of stuff to do. I think that is one of the main reasons we turned to drugs. We can always find something to do while high. So here I sit, again...should I get high? Why not? What do I have to do tommorow? Nothing! As matter of fact, I am free for the next fuc#%ing year! If I have to go through detox then at least I'll have something to do.....

That thought went through my mind for like five minutes today. I haven't used any drugs and don't plan to. The truth is that my life could be alot worse. I am glad to be able to pay my bills and still be able to go out. Here is the problem...How long am I going to be able to keep my strenth up? Obviously with all the bad stuff happining in my life it is tuff. Like I said before, I am no different than anyone else. Just give me a fu#$cking chance to prove myself!!!! This is living hell. Having to sit home and do nothing is the hardest part about quitting drugs.

PLEASE! Anyone considering going back on dope....DO NOT DO IT!!!
Take a look around at all you have and know that by using you could loose it all!

I guess I'll go try to figure a way out how to raise the money to go to school.

HEY ROB!!!
Do you mean that you spent $450.00 a day on Oxy's? Just remember that the guys selling the **** will pretend to be your best friend. Hell, I would even buy you a fuc^%ing fruit basket if you were buying that much! Good luck with the withdrawl thing. I guess you know what to expect. I don't really have anything to add other than I know that you can do it if only you want to. I can say that life is alot more interesting when your straight....Hopefully we will hear back from you telling us that you are clean. If not keep trying...

C H A D

[To Rob]

I've have been on here typing my sob story before and my friend came by with his fresh script and said " what are you doing? " I said, oh nothing, and hit erase. You can't surprise the people on this site. They really have,been there, done that etc. And they offer support. We gave the Chadster some ****, but now I think he understands why. Now he asks about others and is a little less self centered.I still wonder why we don't here from Chadette? I'd love to hear her take on things. And make Chad go in the other room when you write us so he doesn't influence what you have to say.See ya'll.

[Rob]

Greetings,

Well, after reading thru this Web site for about 3 hours, it has occurred to me that I'm not alone.  200mg of the ever so wonderful OXY's (NOT!) 3-4x daily, today is the 4th day of cold turkey detox, and the second time I've done it.  Many of you here have made me cry, not out of sadness/depression, but out of happiness, ya know what I mean, I'm not the only one dealing with this F@#KING BULLS@#T!  I have a very close buddy of mine that is going thru the same thing so I do gain some strength from speaking with him.  It's the hardest thing I've ever experienced, yet I've gone thru it twice, and twice waiting for the MAN to get back from vacation or some sh@# like that.  This time $450 a day was just too insane to deal with, I mean come on $165,000 annually, that's just NUTS!!  Somehow, someway the strength that's in some of you here will be inspirational for me.  I'm just tired of chasing the buzz, and the rationalization of, "It helps me work longer and harder."  What a crock of SH@#!!  Anyway, thanks for being there, and replies, slaps in the face........I swear, while I was typing you will never guess who just called.......YEP! and I didn't say no, however he didn't have any.  That's pretty sick of me.  What kind of IDIOT am I?  Like I said, replies, slaps in the face, encouraging words, all are welcomed.

[Angie to Ken]

I am taking your advice and using my last initial which makes me AA, how appropriate! I noticed Chad's attitude has been more positive lately,also. I always hoped that I wouldn't enjoy my opiates anymore and that's how I would stop using. I remember using after completing my 3 month outpatient group therapy. I guess I was celebrating? Anyway, I felt miserable (physically and mentally)for the whole day. I tried to take more but it didn't help. I remember thinking, "This is great, it doesn't work for me anymore." Kind of like Chad's experience. The bad news is that,of course, I took it again and that time all the great feelings returned once again. The moral of the story is to stop testing ourselves. We always make excuses why we have to do it just one more time. Chad--Quit while your ahead!!!! I also appreciate Tom's great sense of humor. I look forward to coming here and sharing.