Why cant I just stop!

[Ken]

I am getting so fed up with myself. This **** has such a hold on me that I want to just give in and say I am a junkie and will always be one. I blew it again! Eight days clean and I had to cop some pills. Now Ive been taking them for three days And know that I am gonna feel awful again.Its like Lays potato chips , you cant eat just one , I feel like a fool to keep going back on this **** when I have been through the hard part of detoxing off of them. I know I should go in to an inpatient program, but I dont want my family and friends to know that I am hooked on drugs again. They think I am doing so good since I have gotten  off the alcohol and cocaine, now to tell my parents that I am a junkie would kill them. I just wish there was an easy way to keep myself away from these god awful drugs. I am starting again please pray for me and respond with your words of wisdom. Chad if your out there , tell me how brother. Ken

[Daisey Hfree]

I'm 14 days clean off of methadone 90mls a day.  I also have 17 cats!! Anyone want one??  As I come back to reality, I realize I must clean up my life.  I can not believe how low I sunk.  I went to NA last nite.  It was good to get a key chain "just for today".  I'm always looking for mutual support.  I'm having the greatest difficulty with having feelings again.  It sucks, I wish i were numb.  I keep thinking of River Pheonix, & other people that I new who are gone because they couldn't shake it.  I've spent years trying to slowly kill myself.  That was the disease talking.  Today I really want TO LIVE!!  Right about the inspirational music.  "Your going to reap just what you sow", Lou Reed, who knows about addiction.  " I drink a whole bottle of my pride, and I toast a change.  To get these demons off my back, JUST GET THESE DEMONS OFF MY BACK."  That is from  "Shimmer" by Shawn Mullins, Sole's Core.  My e-mail is: ***@****

[loanne]

i have to be honest.  the reason i began this whole taper program in the first place was not necessarily to embrace the sober me, but the fear of withdrawl, and being tired of that fear controlling me.   at such a low dose right now, i am embracing the sober me.  i've been around aa a while, and i love it.  i love the conraderie, being with people who REALLY understand what's it's like. there's a lot of wisdom, spirituality, and good prople around these halls.  just my opinion.  keep posting.  it helps me.

[Lynn to Neena]

No way Chad, those cats make me smile, I "talk" to them and tell them what a mess I'm in, because I know they won't tell anyone. I'm sooooo mad. I blew it today. I had good intentions, said I was gonna taper, and already I've eaten more percs than I can count. I can't beat myself up, God willing I will get another chance tomorrow.

[CHAD FROM PHILLY!!!]

Forget the perks...Try tapering off of the cats!!!
thought you might like that...

[Rob to Ken]

Hey Ken,

I'm certainly not trying to fool or lie to myself here, however, when I speak of my buddy, I'm speaking more about a brother than a friend.  I've known him for over 8 years, and believe it or not we met under very unusual circumstances, we were both VERY clean, did alot of fishing and boating together, and YES I do gain strength from him.  Knowing a little more about our situation, please feel free to comment, we certainly DON'T have the answers.  I feel that anyone in our position should do WHATEVER it takes, and if it's BSing with a broom stick, as long as it works, DO IT!!  What I'm about to offer here is my opinion; it's a matter of what works for that person, and I don't think anyone would disagree that one thing cannot work for everyone it's somewhat short sighted.  That's like saying everyone should prefer chocolate ice cream, which is why I DON'T go to NA meetings, I do however, think that it's high time I sit down with a professional to try and find out why I'm doing this to myself.  I'll put another spin on this whole RECOVERY thing; why is it that a high percentage of us RELAPSE?  Could it be that NA/AA DOESN'T work for everyone, and that those individuals, me included, need something different.  I know that you HAVE TO WANT IT, to get it, that's standard procedure for most everything in life, you WANT IT? F@#KING "A"! go GET IT then!!  This one size fits all BULLS@#T, to me, seems short sighted, and just so everyone understands what I'm saying, NA/AA is not a bad thing, quite the contrary it HAS helped thousands upon thousands of people and it does work and if it's working for you or anyone for that matter....GREAT, FAN-F@#KING-TASTIC, you found what works, and DAMN IT, stick with it!!  Whew, enough already, I'm getting down off my soap box, just another perspective on things folks, I'm not bitter, just BORED need to talk with someone.  GOOD LUCK people and DON'T GIVE UP!!

[Lynn to Neena]

Hi friends, Im'm going to answer Angie' questions, then you can all learn a little more about me. Yes, I've run out of percs before, but not in the past 9 months. I used to be able to go a week without the, and I wasn't that sick because I wasnt using as many as I am now.This new millenium has not been good for me. I now take anywhere from 2-30 a day, depending on how many I have, or if I know there are coming in the near future. Yes, 10 years is a hell of a long time, I no longer get the enjoyment I used to but here is where the disease comes into play. I am almost in tears now just thinking about what my life has become. I'm 48 years old, how much longer can I go on like this? I used to be attractive, now I can see the lines and bags in my face from the drug abuse. I got started when a friend of mine who had a script from her doctor asked if I would like to try a few. The rest is history. She has lupus and continues to this day to get them from her doctor and sell them to me. I pay $5.00 a piece, street price. I have been working all my life and have no money saved because I blow my paycheck. Family life is great, no complaints. Good husband, no kids, but 16 cats I've rescued. Today I'm gonna try and taper. Wish me luck.