Why can't I stop? Where can I get help?

[SleeplessinNJ]

Hello,this is my first time doing something like this online. I've been taking everything under the sun to try and hide my emotional pain.My husband suffers from chronic pain and is disabled.He just started to work again after 2 yrs, but on a part-time basis.He doesnt take me out anymore,he hasn't slept in the same bed with me for years,and he constantly yells at me and my daughter(his step-daughter).I had enough of his verbal abuse so I have filed for divorce.He promised to make my life miserable until the end and he's doing a good job.Because of his chronic pain, he gets prescriptions for Oxycontin, Vicoden, dilaudid, and other drugs.For a year now I've been stealing his drugs little by little.I started by just popping one or two a day, then I found out that I can crush the Oxycontin and snort it to get a faster high.These drugs led me to others like heroin and coke.My nose got so messed up that I stopped doing them, but increased my pill intake.My addiction to these pills haven't effected my work yet, nor my school work(I take college classes at night).No body knows about my problem except for a few close friends that I trust.I so desperately want to stop and lead a normal life again because I adore my daughter and shes my life.But I wake up in the morning in such disarray that I need to take something to function.My heroin addiction did in fact stop and so did the coke.Im happy about that progress, but I just dont know how to function without the pills.I feel like there is no end to my "pain".I found this site by chance and think this could help me knowing I'm not alone

[fools everyone]

Thank you ao much to "feels..." for caring enough to post such a great and interesting response. I am not sure at all where to go from here. I guess I can't do much right now., not until after the knee replacement. What I am so desperate about right now, is since I have such a very high tolerace level, after having taken the oxy for seversl yrars, how do they propose to keep the pain under control? I have been told by many  people that the after surgry pain is awful. I am so terribly scared of rhis problem. Are there stronger meds they can give me? My primary care Doc. happens to be close buds with the ortho surgeon and told me that he would communicate my situation to him. Most Docs. are pretty strict with narcotics. Which brings me to another question- Where do all of these people get so many pills?? Please stay with me.

[feelsobad]

First of all you have real pain issues, now and future. The oxy is meant to allieviate pain. But, unfortunatly, it gives even more bang for its buck....running your life at un-natural energy levels. That is where most of us addicts made our mistake. We cross that line from legit pain med use to that "everything is right with the world" and "I can do anything" attitude. The evil of these pills is that its hard to find anything wrong with a pill that makes you function at higer levels. You, like most of us, associate them less with pain now and more on the pshycological motivation side. The amount you are taking is pretty high for oxycontin. Normal max. dose is 2-80mg./day=160mg for mod. to severe pain. I had gotten up to about 400mg./day when I was taking the extra because of my tolerance building and to just feel "normal". And normal was not getting to the previous energy levels it once gave me. I am not trying to scare you because everybody is different. You still have some surgery to get over and the pain that comes with that. But, should you decide to get off the pain meds when and if your pain subsides you will in all likelyhood need to take Thomas' advice and seek professional care. They can make withdrawals tolerable. And you haved been blessed to find this forum. You need to visit often. There is much wisdom and just plain ol good advice for the soul. I pray you need not suffer like so many of us but we abused for the euphoria long after the real pain was gone. Your situation is different. You may have to be on some type of pain med for the rest of your life. That is my mothers situation with her arthritis. That happens to a lot of people and they never become addicts.

I will be praying for. And post here and read here often, it's good medicine....

feelsobad

[fools everyone]

Thank you so much Thomas for your answers. I am very concerned about this and have an appt. tomorrow with my reg. Dr.-the one who originally started me on oxycontin.  The medication serves such a purpose in my life, as I said, is this always wrong?  I fear from some of the comments and letters I have read here. With the tolerance I have, am I going to be so bad as these?  Is the amount of meds I take unusually high?  I know that some people cannot take this type of med at all, but it has always been a  plus to my running of my life. Where does it come to be to the point that people are suffering so much? I am made more afraid than anything else from the things I have read here. When do I come to the point that I too will have to suffer such horrors???

[Thomas03]

If you no longer need the drugs after your surgery, you'll need to be medically detoxed, probably a slow taper followed possibly by a switch to buprenorphin (Suboxone). If you're worried that your tolerance will render your post-op pain meds ineffective, you need to talk all this out with your ortho and, hopefully, your pain specialist. They can adjust your dosage accordingly.

Thomas

[fools everyone]

I just  discovered this site. Seems like everyone is very supportive. I have had no problems with the oxycontin interfering with my teaching or my care of my family etc. I have suffered severe arthritis and the pills help immensely.  I DO HAVE A VERY HIGH TOLERANCE. I hate having to rely on them. I have knee replacement surgery scheduled very soon and am worried that pain meds. will not help much. No negative side effects from drug. Is it necessary to worry about stopping them? I take from 320 to 400 mgs. daily. I can get by with less, but am able to accomplish so much more when taking my meds. I have been on this drug for about 3 yrs. in increasing doses. The only thing that really concerns me is what will I feel like if I do not have my pills available for some reason. Can SOMEBODY give me some answers here? PLEASE??? I say "fools everybody" because the pills are such a part of my daily life- my first nickname was taken. Please answer.

[J. E. W.]

Welcome!! I dont know anything about what your doing with it but Ive done the patches on my arm before. I had some pretty bad wds. from them. Hopefully someone who knows will post and help you.. I think theyll need to know a little more info though. How long, how much, etc....   Jerri

[grandpabill]

i feel as though i have a unique problem......im on duragesic patches....and ive started cutting them open to get the meds.....im not sure how to stop doing this.......

[Esmith28]

Hey what kind of back problem?

[pillhell]

Welcome!people in this forum can and will help you through this.i am not clean YET.but I took oxys,lorcet,percoset,so on and so on for about 5 years.So I know where you are.I started taking methadone wafers to detox off those,which now im trying to kick those(total nightmare)I'm not in any position to THINK I understand your hell.Nobody really can.We can relate,because we had similar situations.But nobody really understands but you.But we are here for you,we want to help you if we can.If I took the methadone for a few days and stopped,I would of been o.k.but after a while I grew dependant on it.THE WONDER DRUG-YAH RIGHT!But some people can kick with this and never touch it again.If you have insurance and can seek help through a professional,I highly recommend it.As far as your husband goes,I'm sure you do love him.But If work is the only time you have peace then you have to do whats right for you and your daughter.I also have a daughter,and a 9 year old son.My husband use to be a screamer.Alot of verbal abuse.We worked through it.But I wasnt in this opiate hell then.You need to put you and your daughter first,and do what you have to do to get better.If you want to email me its ***@**** Good luck to you,and keep posting-welcome to the family.

[lisabet]

Blessed is the caretaker, but damn if it doesn't take it's toll. Your post was honest and heartfelt - bless your heart for not trying to be a martyr. Your experience addresses such a large percentage of people trying to care for a loved one. Unfortunately, your husband sounds like an angry soul who takes everything out on you and your daughter. I think you are wise to file for divorce; it's the first step in getting your life back. That you are still working and going to school is an indication of your inner strength.  Hang in there - read all the posts here (search the archives) - this forum got me back on my feet after almost a year of vicodin abuse. Although I'm not completely "clean" (still use 4 or 5 a day), I've cut waaay back on the alcohol, and at one time I was using up to 12 vics a day.  I'm slowing getting my life back.  Post and vent. Ask questions. You will get the attention you need here. Great people here who really want to help (we've all been where you are right now, in one way or the other). Just posting on this forum is a HUGE step - acknowledging you need help is half the battle.  Love/Peace, Lisabet
PS: This post is dedicated to the memory of Rex (no-he isn't dead, just banned!), who asked us to continue to help newcomers. (You are right, Rex....I'm trying)... :)

[minime]

I really feel for you in your situation.  You can do this but it's going to be tough.  It sounds like you and your daughter really need to get away from your husband.  Since you are paying the mortgage, can you kick him out of the house?  You probably could.  YOu need to take care of YOU now (and your daughter) and if you really want to get clean, you probably need him out of the equation.  Think of how you won't dread going home at the end of the day.  If you don't have the strength to do it for you, do it for your kid.  Believe me, I know what I'm talking about because I've been through it.  You can't do everything at once.  Take care of that situation and then work on sobriety.  It would be really hard to do both at once I would think.

Keep writing if it helps you.  There will be lots of people to help you along.  Good luck.

[FINISHED!!]

Hey Mini,
I'm REALLY happy to see you posting today. Please read my post to you under "How do I deal with anxiety" post C119. We ALL value you here Mini & I hope that we can repair what may have been damaged between us. As I said, I apologize if my words came as an attack or offended you in anyway. That was the FURTHEST thing from my intention...though it may not have seemed that way.

Thanks for staying with us Mini.

FINISHED!!

[sharonver]

Welcome,

Have you ever tried counseling with your husband?  Or just talking to him honestly and telling him how you feel?  The reason why I ask this (and not to take sides w/husband)cuz hes definietly wrong for verbal abuse, but sometimes when you are in chronic pain you can't help yourself and you hurt the ones that you love. Ask him how he feels about you and your stepdaughter. And try to see if there is anyway you can work it out. And please try to stop with the pills before it gets out of hand. It will just get worse.  If you stop now the withdrawals will be a lot easier. Just my opinion, you live with him and really know him.  Just trying to help...

Sharon

[suzieneedshelp]

I t is awesome to have u here really!  Please ignore the nonissue related stuff recently.  Every once in a while it flares up in here but the caring and  honesty always wins in the end!
Can u plz e-mail me?  ***@****
TY!
Suzie

[Esmith28]

I wenthe AA CA route years ago and am trying to go back now...the years I was sucessful (4years sober) were the happiest years of my life. I was happy, clean, spiritual fit, healthy and had more wonderful friends than I knew what to do with..it works...but you got to be commited if you can be committed to the drugs you can just committ yourslef to the program equally as dilegent...first step is to find a meeting...I had a terrible experience with NA people but that is me, I found great happiness in AA and CA, let me know if you want to know more...***@**** use Rx in subjesct line so I wont delete
Bless you...your doing the right thing...we have all been where you are, and some still are ...your not alone anymore!!

[oxydetox pete]

Ive been suffering chronic pain for 3 years now and my wife is so sick of hearing about it, she says she going to need valium to get through it. It really is a family altering experience. I was snorting 2 oxycontin 80's in the morning not just for the pain anymore but to feel normal. I recently went off everything, and I was fearing for my life. Coming off the narcs wasnt that bad, just a sick feeling for a couple few days and thats about it, dont be scared to do you will be glad you did. My back pains no better, but the guilt is gone and that feels so good. good luck

[SleeplessinNJ]

I really want to thank everyone for your posts. It is helping me mentally to cope with this knowing that I'm not alone. I think my mental frame of mind is a good place to start in my hopeful recovery. At first I was overwhelmed by the responses and started to cry. But now I feel that I can deal with this. Like I said, this is my first time doing this and I'm glad I did.

Thank you for your personal stories, advice and blessings. I hope to one day pass these acts of kindness on to those who need me. One positive thing I can say about myself is that I open my heart up to those who want to come in.

Thanks again, Debbie

[suzieneedshelp]

WELCOME!  Although many cannot taper!  I could not.  Most cant.  This is a disease and u have made the most important first step to recovery.. admission u have a problem!
Peace to you.. keep postin and readin!
Suzie

[teeitup]

Welcome, try a taper method. If possible just set some goals and stick to them, if you slip up don't get to down. Read all the post its great therapy and keep trying. Remember "less today than yesterday". Good luck!

teeitup!

[hellbent]

It only gets worse. You need more and more to feel relief. I ended up taking 3 OC 80's just to get out of bed and get to work in he morning. 2-3 more at lunch... people will know something is wrong if you keep going, though you may be in denial. If you get clean you will certainly look back at this point in your life and realize then that you were perhaps fooling people, but that you really weren't yourself.

Anyway, again I ask, what are you willing to do to get clean? Perhaps things need to spiral down a litle further, or perhaps you can function indefinitely like this, I don't know. My experience is that it gets worse and worse, never better. NA can be a great help, as can AA, if you go into it with willingness.

[SleeplessinNJ]

I have tried to stop cold turkey, but as you well know, the feeling is horrible. I try not to do any on the weekends, but it feels like I got run over by a truck. I have no motivation without that extra kick I get from the scripts. I started with one Oxycontin pill, then I would add other pills to the mix. I'm high at work, but no one has a clue, except one of my dearest friends here. He's gathering information for me right now to help me battle this. In fact he just sent me an e-mail with information on NA. Has anyone tried that route? Does it help? I don't have a Dr. I've tried counseling, but the conversation would shift to the topic of my husband who is in constant chronic pain. I do have compassion for the man. I've been by his side through 3 neck surgeries and all other procedures to try and alleviate his pain, but enough is enough. I feel so drained and so left out. No body even asks me how I'm doing anymore, it's always about him. I crave for someone to give me some attention and compassion for putting up with tons of hospital visits, working my butt off to pay the mortgage and provide for the family. The reality is I'm happy at work and at school because I'm away from him, but while I'm work, I get high and try to forget what awaits me at home.

[hellbent]

For what it's worth, your husband sounds like is is emotionally sick and very unhappy. Try to have as much compassion as you can for him, as doing that will help you as well.

What are you willing to do to get clean? Are you willing to take time off school, perhaps move somewhere else for a month to get away from him, and his drugs? Do you think you can kick your habit in that environment? Are you willing to come clean with friends and family about where you are right now? Are you willing to enter a treatment facility if you have the ability to?

I took 800mgs a day of Oxycontin, and had to quit 9 months ago, so I do know where you are. It's very serious and we are all glad you are here. How much are you taking, what are you taking?

[WifeofAddict]

Welcome to the forum!  
Congrats on making it this far and admitting to yourself that you have an addiction with pills!  Whether you believe it or not, that in itself is a huge step towards recovery.  It sounds like you want to stop?  There are a few ways of doing this.  You can go over all the previous posts, and they should help you alot.  
You do need support though, and it sounds like you have a few great friends who are there for you.  We are also here for you.  I would think the fortunate thing for you is that you didn't begin taking pills because of physical pain, and therefore once the withdrawal pain is over with you shouldn't have anymore pain.  Anyways, there is a Thomas recipe here, that has helped a lot of people ease their withdrawal symptoms, for both cold turkey and tapering.  You will find it in a post somewhere...and i am sure someone will post it for you if you ask.  I don't know how to do it myself.  Anyways, depending on what you want to know right now...there are a bunch of people here who will answer you eventually.  
For now, know that everyone here understands what you are going through, understands how you feel, and wants to help you.  YOU ARE DEFINATLEY NOT ALONE!
Catherine
By the way, my husband is addicted to codiene, and he is 2 months sober....this forum helped me understand his addiction, and helped me understand how i can be supportive of him, amoung other valuable lessons, that would take me hours to list!

[u2shibby]

You are on the right track. The first thing you know is that you want it to stop. The problem is that u wake up in the morning and u cant function with out your pill. I understand I used to fill the same way. It goes away over time. Many people will tell u diffrent ways to stop. Do u have a doctor? they do understand if u tell them the truth. be honest. I had a problem for 1 and 1/2 years. Untill a week ago I realized it was a big problem and using is easier than quitting. I too have a daughter. I also have diabetes. Have u ever tried to quit taking everything? there is going to be withdrawl. It is not fun i went thru it twice. It feels like u got the flu real bad.U can do it. Do it for your daughter and for yourself. Life after the pills and drugs is a great one. trust me I have faith in you.. write back if u have more questions. U can get thru this and I as well as many in here will help...... Tim 22 Male