Why can't I stop? Where can I get help?

[SleeplessinNJ]

Hello,this is my first time doing something like this online. I've been taking everything under the sun to try and hide my emotional pain.My husband suffers from chronic pain and is disabled.He just started to work again after 2 yrs, but on a part-time basis.He doesnt take me out anymore,he hasn't slept in the same bed with me for years,and he constantly yells at me and my daughter(his step-daughter).I had enough of his verbal abuse so I have filed for divorce.He promised to make my life miserable until the end and he's doing a good job.Because of his chronic pain, he gets prescriptions for Oxycontin, Vicoden, dilaudid, and other drugs.For a year now I've been stealing his drugs little by little.I started by just popping one or two a day, then I found out that I can crush the Oxycontin and snort it to get a faster high.These drugs led me to others like heroin and coke.My nose got so messed up that I stopped doing them, but increased my pill intake.My addiction to these pills haven't effected my work yet, nor my school work(I take college classes at night).No body knows about my problem except for a few close friends that I trust.I so desperately want to stop and lead a normal life again because I adore my daughter and shes my life.But I wake up in the morning in such disarray that I need to take something to function.My heroin addiction did in fact stop and so did the coke.Im happy about that progress, but I just dont know how to function without the pills.I feel like there is no end to my "pain".I found this site by chance and think this could help me knowing I'm not alone

[grandpabill]

i feel as though i have a unique problem......im on duragesic patches....and ive started cutting them open to get the meds.....im not sure how to stop doing this.......

[Esmith28]

Hey what kind of back problem?

[pillhell]

Welcome!people in this forum can and will help you through this.i am not clean YET.but I took oxys,lorcet,percoset,so on and so on for about 5 years.So I know where you are.I started taking methadone wafers to detox off those,which now im trying to kick those(total nightmare)I'm not in any position to THINK I understand your hell.Nobody really can.We can relate,because we had similar situations.But nobody really understands but you.But we are here for you,we want to help you if we can.If I took the methadone for a few days and stopped,I would of been o.k.but after a while I grew dependant on it.THE WONDER DRUG-YAH RIGHT!But some people can kick with this and never touch it again.If you have insurance and can seek help through a professional,I highly recommend it.As far as your husband goes,I'm sure you do love him.But If work is the only time you have peace then you have to do whats right for you and your daughter.I also have a daughter,and a 9 year old son.My husband use to be a screamer.Alot of verbal abuse.We worked through it.But I wasnt in this opiate hell then.You need to put you and your daughter first,and do what you have to do to get better.If you want to email me its ***@**** Good luck to you,and keep posting-welcome to the family.

[lisabet]

Blessed is the caretaker, but damn if it doesn't take it's toll. Your post was honest and heartfelt - bless your heart for not trying to be a martyr. Your experience addresses such a large percentage of people trying to care for a loved one. Unfortunately, your husband sounds like an angry soul who takes everything out on you and your daughter. I think you are wise to file for divorce; it's the first step in getting your life back. That you are still working and going to school is an indication of your inner strength.  Hang in there - read all the posts here (search the archives) - this forum got me back on my feet after almost a year of vicodin abuse. Although I'm not completely "clean" (still use 4 or 5 a day), I've cut waaay back on the alcohol, and at one time I was using up to 12 vics a day.  I'm slowing getting my life back.  Post and vent. Ask questions. You will get the attention you need here. Great people here who really want to help (we've all been where you are right now, in one way or the other). Just posting on this forum is a HUGE step - acknowledging you need help is half the battle.  Love/Peace, Lisabet
PS: This post is dedicated to the memory of Rex (no-he isn't dead, just banned!), who asked us to continue to help newcomers. (You are right, Rex....I'm trying)... :)

[minime]

I really feel for you in your situation.  You can do this but it's going to be tough.  It sounds like you and your daughter really need to get away from your husband.  Since you are paying the mortgage, can you kick him out of the house?  You probably could.  YOu need to take care of YOU now (and your daughter) and if you really want to get clean, you probably need him out of the equation.  Think of how you won't dread going home at the end of the day.  If you don't have the strength to do it for you, do it for your kid.  Believe me, I know what I'm talking about because I've been through it.  You can't do everything at once.  Take care of that situation and then work on sobriety.  It would be really hard to do both at once I would think.

Keep writing if it helps you.  There will be lots of people to help you along.  Good luck.

[FINISHED!!]

Hey Mini,
I'm REALLY happy to see you posting today. Please read my post to you under "How do I deal with anxiety" post C119. We ALL value you here Mini & I hope that we can repair what may have been damaged between us. As I said, I apologize if my words came as an attack or offended you in anyway. That was the FURTHEST thing from my intention...though it may not have seemed that way.

Thanks for staying with us Mini.

FINISHED!!