Will this fight ever end? What am I going to do?

[wantthissobad]

Hi everyone, I woke up this morning with a huge wait on my shoulder. I don't think I will ever be clean again I know that sounds weak minded but I'm truly beginning to think this. I have been on opiates since 2006 so what's that four years. When I tried to come off Vicodin after my back surgery I couldn't do it so suboxone became my new opiate that I depended on. So here I fours years later in the same boat I was in with my DOC. I feel like I'm right back to square one and I don't know what to do. I tried quitting subs 2times now first time made it 48hours second time was just a few weeks ago and I made it 5 almost 6 days and it was pure hell. I don't think I have ever felt depression like that in my life. It was like I couldn't function and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm nothing but a big fraud my husband thinks I made it through the withdrawal from subs he has no idea what addiction does to a person. He hated me taking the subs so when I started back up I didn't have the heart to tell him, everyday he keeps telling me he can't believe how wonderful I'm doing compared to the first few days and tells me he can't believe how strong I am, what a joke. I told my daughter about the drug when I first tried to ween over the summer she is 16 and she also thinks I'm off the drug and can't "believe" how well I'm doing. The only person that knows the truth is my mother.
So now not only am I back on the subs but it's a big secret. I just don't get myself why can't I like being "normal" all I kept think when I was weening off of subs was that this will never end it just kept getting worse and worse. I feel like my brain can not function on it's own. I remeber when I CT on vics it only took like 3-4 days to get better and it didn't affect me as bad mentally. It's like I have no happiness left in me when I stop taking the subs. I can't go to rehab it's not an opition. I have tried meetings I hated them (meetings are not for everyone) i see a therpist and I feel like that's going okay but isn't really helping me with this aspect. I have not touched a vic in two years and the only reason I take the sub is to feel normal. If I could just get through the withdrawals I know I will be okay it's just I can't take the pain and depression.
I know I have to tell my husband the truth but I truly felt like I didn't want to live when I was coming off the subs. I can't do this to my family that is why I got back on the subs my children couldn't take seeing their mother so depressed it's not fair.
The only thing I can think of doing is being honest with my husband and go back on the vic to get off the suboxone I can't go weeks with being sick and depressed I have many responsibilities that don't stop just cause I go into withdrawal. Has anyone ever tried that? I'm truly not scared to get hooked again I just know I can't do this cold turkey I don't have it in me. This drug is poison, so if anyone has any advise or has tried this before please tell me if it worked or not. I just really feel like crap and feel like this will never ever end. I don't think I will ever be free.

[robrach]

Hello,
I understand what you are going through, I weened off suboxone on my own with no help. It was a month of pure hell, I never though it was going to end. I understand you not wanting to tell your family that you had to go back on a med because the withdrawls are so severe that it is unbareable, unfortunatly the only way to get off the drug is to decrease dosages all the way down to 2 mg a day and even then the withdrawls will still last a month or so. This drug as a very long half life and is hard to get out of your system and there is no known drug that I know of that helps with the withdrawls of a drug that was suppose to make kicking opiates easier. What the fail to tell you that kicking suboxone is 5 times harder that gong through the 5 days of hell comming off the opiates. I wish I had better news for you but this comes from experence, all I can tell you is if you really want to kick that drug for good, you will have to indure the DT's from it, you will feel like death would be a step up for about 2 weeks and then it gets a little easier each day. I hope this has helped you and wish you all the best, you will be in my prayers and feel free to contact me if you need any help to get through this. On more thing involving your family is essental for you to make it through, they have to be made to believe that what you are going through is something they would not wish on their worst enemy. Take the time to get them alot of information off the net to read, Web Md has a good amount of info on what a person goes through when the come down off this med. They need to understand that you need there support not their negativity. Take care and god bless. I wish you all he luck in the world

[wantthissobad]

Maybe the withdrawal isn't bad for some but the mental part for me was the worse thing I had ever put my brain through. The withdrawals were bad for me I don't know how it is for anyone else but on day 5 it felt worse then any other day and from what I have read many people are depressed and don't get back to themsleves for months I know months are nothing compared to the rest of my life, but when you have little kids a house college class and work it's a little hard to stay positive when all your doing is crying and feel like dieing. I understand those things will have to be neglaected until I get better but how I;m I suppose to do that. How do I go to class when I feel like I'm dieing inside and I'm crying my eyes out. I just keep thinking about the weeks ahead and how the heck am I going to get through this?
I'm not trying to make excuses that what I feel like you guys think I'm doing I'm just really scared I mean really really scared to be depressed I have suffered depression and when that happen I go to a really bad place and I can't get out. Maybe it was easier or you guys are stronger then me but I'm scared I felt like dieing when I was on day 5 and the thought of going another 5 days maybe me feel like I wanted to end my life (I would never do that but it was a horrible feeling).
Thanks for all the comments I will continue my journey and hopefully I will find peace. And to those who were able to win their fight with sub I applaud you!

[Ballgame]

If people use sub to get off oxy or whatever, why do people stay on it for years?  Seems like it's better to tapper or CT instead of doing sub.  There is no easy way to get off any drug.

[Atlastfree]

Better to go through weeks or even months of not feeling 'quite right' than take sub's the rest of your life, you where off them for 5 days, that was most of the worse over.

Taper down to a really small dose like 0.2 for a few weeks before stopping. Its well worth a little hardship! The W/D's aren't that bad, I'm on day 30 today and starting to feel pretty good!

[wantthissobad]

Thanks everyone,

I guess I just need to handle this the best way I know. I did jump off of subs a couple weeks ago for 5days and it was horrible. I have found very few success stories of people coming off this med. It seems that people go through hell for weeks and even months. I mean you must have some great will power but to fill like crap for months come on what the hell so they have me on. WHy should people have to go through weeks or months of withdrawal. I have not found one person he was back to themselves within a couple of weeks it's months. I don't even know anymore. Thanks for all the support.I will keep preparing myself for whats to come.

[gnarly_1]

HI....we have had several positive sub experiences in the forum over the last few weeks/months...I know of 2 girls thast droped down to 2mg and jumped off with little to no withdrawals ....ang_811 was one of them im shure if you ask her she will help you
I mean your going to feel something but it dosent mean its going to be awful
I wouldn't recommend going back on the loratabs that would be a big mistake
taper down on your sub and then jump good luck and God bless.....Gnarly  

[kimbo546]

Hi, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this disease. Have you read on the disease of addiction? As addicts our preception of the way we see things is totally off especially when using. I know you probably feel like its impossible to get clean, however it really isnt, not if you want it bad enough. I came into these rooms desperate after taking opiates for 10 years. I never thought I would get clean. People would tell me you can do it, I would think they were crazy. I was angry, depressed, and so sick...I wanted to die. I wanted to get clean so bad but just didnt know how. I was so scared of the withdrawl and depression, that I kept using. Eventually after taking opiates for so long, they no longer gave me the energy or made me happy, they started to isolate me and I would get sick to my stomach and sleep all the time, I could no longer function and my life became extremely unmanageable. Thats when I knew I had to make a change...or die.
  I wanted away to get clean and not suffer the consequences...WD. Someone told me no matter what if you quit cold turkey or taper off with another drug, you will still face some WD theres no way around it. I know that is not what you want to hear, but unfortunatly its the truth. So I bit the bullet and went for it, I was on such high doses of opiates and benzos the Dr. didnt feel comfortable with me doing CT this time, so I did the 21 day Methadone taper.. and jumped off at 5mg. It was horrible and was for awhile, I am at 43 days today and I can tell you..It DOES GET BETTER, I promise.

I know while you are reading this your probably just hearing blah blah blah, Like I was in the beginning..lol. However if you want this bad enough it takes some work, alot of tears and a little bit of pain...but man the outcome can be amazing, and Im proof of that. Big hugs... Kim

[pillfree21]

I just want you to know that we all know that you are not a bad or weak person, you are an addict, like me and although that does clear us of having to take responsibilty, it also does not mean we are terrible people.  I think your family will understand and try that much harder to help you overcome....wishing you strength and peace.

[IBKleen]

You are not a weak person, you are not a terrible person but you are feeling sorry for yourself.

With or without drugs, bad things happen to good people. It is all in how you perceive it and handle it.  

This is just one more of life's obstacles you need to get through. I agree with Atlas that I think your family will support you if you are honest. It is the continued lying that they are going to have a problem with. If you can get honest with them it is a step in the right direction. It is true that you are only as sick as your secrets so let the healing begin.

[Atlastfree]

Your right its a nightmare coming off and staying off any sort of opiate. I've been battling with them for about 10 years. I thankfully managed to stop sub's 29 days ago.

The thing is just to taper off them very slowly and stop on the lowest possible dose! It takes time to start feeling any sort of normality again. Still 29 days on and yes I feel better but no where near the person I was before this nightmare, but little by little as each day goes by you do start feeling better.

If you can manage it's best to be honest with your loved ones. I once detoxed from methadone and my girlfriend was so pleased with me, only for me to relapse and take sub's behind her back. When she eventually learnt the truth she was furious and I almost lost the girl I plan to marry. If you can try to be honest, like they say better to come from the horses mouth than anyone else's.

Maybe you should try and focus on the positive things in your life like your daughter and husband rather than worry so much about the addiction.

It always blow me away how supportive love ones are and that was such a surprise to me after years of worrying about telling them the truth

The very best of luck too you..

[wantthissobad]

Thanks IBKleen,

I know the steps I need to take but it has been such a hard road for me. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself but if it's not one thing it's another. That's the way it has been from the beginning of my life. It seems nothing ever goes right for me. And now I have this dam addiction to deal with. I just don't know what to do. I'm such a weak person no matter how deep I dig I can't find myself the person I was before the opiates. I know the decision is mine but for some reason I don't feel strong enough. I'm such a terrible person.

[IBKleen]

Hi,

I know hindsight is 20/20 but that 5 days you put in was the worst of it I am sure. When you stop again you will have to start that all over again and that stinks.

As far as keeping that secret? It is going to eat away at you for one and they will find out.

You have some decisions to make here and you need to be worried about YOU, not about what your family or anyone else will think of you. If you don't get a handle on your life then what good are you to your family? It's a vicious cycle.

Like I said, the withdrawal is going to happen so you have to buckle down and decide you are done and get through it. We can support you but the decision has to be yours.

I am glad you posted and you are expressing your thoughts and feelings.