day 75 and still alive!

[spider6]

Hey angels, hope everyone is doing great.  It's been a week since my meltdown last friday.  I haven't had one since but yesteray I felt one starting.  Anger and just plain comtempt for everything and everybody.  I told my family what was happening and just asked to please be left alone.  I didn't have a craving while going through this but I did notice that during my acknowledgement of what was happening to me, I was automatically seacrching in my head, not physically searching for pills but I had that familiar feeling of "going to reach".  Anyone who has tried to quit
smoking probably gets what I mean.  That whole ritual of just going to get "them".  I have noticed through the years that I have this weird self destructive personality ie. if something or someone has really done me wrong in my eyes, I automatically have this reaction of  "okay for you!!!  Look what I'm going to do to myself now"....What the f**k is that anyway???  

Also lately I've noticed that I am experiencing this "dry drunk" feeling.....wobbly, blurry vision, hard to put my thoughts in coherent sentence.  Not constantly but enough to notice.  Anybody experiencing that??????

Thank you again to everyone here.. every day, one of you or many of you gives me hope and stability.
love you all!!!
hugs.

[msdelight]

I am so deeply in this PAWS phase right now at 50 days. Hi five to spider on 75, and to all of you out there. Manic depression is touching my soul. My emotions are raw. I used the f word today while screaming at coworker in a professional setting.  I can't remember the proper words or what you said 5 minutes ago. I'm trying to walk the walk without the crutch.  I can't seem to get the chores done. I swing from really really happy to very sad. All of the above.  So how long does this "peak" last?  Will it get worse before it gets better since I haven't even hit 2 months? Other than being aware of paws is there anything one can do to ease the symptoms?

[clean_in_ks]

I'm SO GLAD it helped to read "my book"....LOL  It helped me, too when I learned what was goin on "in here" (my head)......LOL

You won't STAY this way Spider.....your "quick wit" DEFINITELY WILL COME BACK!  And your memory will get better too.  I remember feeling so dumb.....and when I learned about this being "typical" and "expected" after getting off opiates it was HUGELY comforting!!!
I'm not firing on all cylinders yet.....LOL.....but I promise I'm better and you will be, too.  My 60 to 120 day stretch seemed to be the worst for this...heck....I can't remember.....hahahaha!!!  I'm still a kook!!

If I remember right, you used quite a few yrs (like over 20?) and then have some benzo history too....so please just KNOW you're healing...and believe that you're gonna be a feisty, quick witted, airplane makin Gma once again.  

Last thing (I promise...lol)...maybe go into the health pages and print off some of the PAWS articles/info I quoted from above.  I had my hubby read some of it so he'd at least have a smidgen of a clue why I was so nuts, frustrated, discouraged and emotional.  It might have helped a "titch"...as far as the hubby readin it goes....but I tried....LOL

[nonights]

Thanks so much Amanda for bumping this up. I needed to resd it.

[Amandag78]

I just want to bring this very helpful post and comments back up to date again that Connie sent me the link for. ( thankyou )
This is exactly the way i am feeling that Spider describes. The comments are all so helpful especially Connie's.
This thread has helped me to understand and accept a lot of things about what my head is going at this time. That this feeling will go away.
Thank you for posting this particular question Spider ( your amazing ) and thank you Connie for sending me the link and opening up my eyes and giving me hope again.
I know my body is healing from years of abuse, just so frustrating.

[weaver71]

The mental dumbing and low energy where the ones that bugged me most. I would read the same thing over and over, still missing some of it. I am glad to say I can read through a book and remember it again. I joke with Connie about her book because I so loved to read her long text during the insomnia and mental dull phase. Just knowing that what i was feeling was normal helped so much. And since I couldn't remember anything, I read over posts over and over saying that I will be okay. Know what, I am okay, and you will be too. Keep doing what you're doing. You have this!

[spider6]

Clean...I am speechless (there's a first for everything) That article is me to a tee!!!!!

I can't tell you how upsetting this is to me.  I mean I realize it would be upsetting to anyone but I felt like having my "quick wit" was a great part of who I was. Anyway...every single point mentioned!! Unbelievable!

My memory...God....just today my Grandson wanted me to make a paper airplane and I'll be damned if I could NOT remember even where to start! I was so shocked and couldnt believe it, I almost convinced myself that I never knew how to make a paper airplane.  Oh and the "squeezing" and "pulling" on my brain!  If feels exactly like that in my head...so frustrating.  Trying to squeeze a memory out ohhh  gaaawwwwd!!

I'm made fun of all the time by my family members so that adds to it and if
I'm not particularly resilient that day and I am "not a good sport", then I'm not only stupid but also a bitc*.

....and thanks for making me laugh Clean, I almost did that exact same thing with trying to post!!  God love ya.

and.....thanks gals and Tony for your comments so helpful as usual,
love you all and keep fighting the good fight.
hugs.xo

[tooter212]

WOW 75 days clean!!!! Spider that's great! It gives us all hope that we can do this too. I can relate to the meltdown, anger and all. It's not a pretty sight. LOL But I know you have a soft and giving heart and "This to shall pass". God Bless you and comfort you. You know you have a bunch of friends here that love you.

[weaver71]

I'm glad you are feeling better. Yes, those symptoms at 78 days sound very familiar. Connie wrote a nice book for you, really reread it a few times, I love that about her. You are winning. Simply noticing these things and sharing them show great growth and progress. Keep it up, it keeps getting better.

[Teri9498]

Hey Spidey!...just wanted 2 let u know I'm always thinking of u!!...75 days is HUGE & I can't wait 2 be there!!!...really good post clean in ks!!...sending u love & support ALWAYS, Spidey!!...love u girl!  xxoo ;)

[katmandu516]

Hey Spidey girl!!
First of all a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS on 75 DAYS CLEAN.. YAY!!!
OMG...I'm only 28 days....When does it all end with these pills anyway?
Well I hope you are having your alone time and a bunch of chocolate to soothe the soul. One day at a time girl!!  That's all we can do. I know you can push through this!! It's hard, believe me, I know. But I also know I want to feel like my old self again, more than anything! Good luck honey!!

[Kbusymom]

Great post, thanks for sharing it.
I can so relate to everything you said Spider6; especially about being self destructive when someone hurts me.  It makes no sense.  Why do we internalize something someone else has done that's wrong?  
I really need to read up on PAWS, but I have some time to get there.  I'm suffering from really blurry vision, not sure if it's the opiate WD or the Ativan.  It didn't start until the Ativan.  
We just have to give our minds and bodies time to heal; lots of time it sounds like.

[mommymarieme]

Awesome post clean in ks!

[mommymarieme]

Congratulations on 75 days spider!! I can most definitely relate to the dry drunk feeling! Omg some days I feel like I am losing my mind! Lol I have also had to wear my glasses again because my sight is very fuzzy right now. I am so proud of you and I think you are doing amazing!! Keep up the good hard work! :)

[SuzzQ]

Thank You

[clean_in_ks]

I can SO relate to you girl...!!!  In ALL the ways you mentioned above.
That old knee-jerk reaction of getting hurt by something/someone and then hurting myself (as if that's gonna solve anything!....but it DID numb the hurt for awhile didn't it?)
We have so much re-programming and re-learning to do when we've used a substance to divert "dealing with issues" for so long.  But WE CAN LEARN healthier ways to cope.....we just havta be willing to and then DO IT

The wobbly, blurry vision, hard to put thoughts into a coherent sentence...ALL OF THOSE THIINGS plagued me too!!  I thought I'd done permanent damage to myself....UNTIL.....ok...I'm repeating myself again here......I learned and read about PAWS.  Every single article in our Health Pages helped me. (there are at least 3 or 4...and I read them all...more than once, cause of course, I couldn't remember what I read...LOL)  I was truly panicked...thinking I was uncoordinated forever and I couldn't see right and I couldn't even think and put my thoughts together!!!  But, ALL my symptoms were explained in the info I read about PAWS.  It gave me SUCH COMFORT & RELIEF to learn this stuff.  Here's just a portion of one:

"The symptoms of PAWS reach a peak from three to six months after we get clean. Any use of drugs or alcohol, even in small quantities or for a short time, will effectively eliminate any improvement gained over that time, as it will keep the brain from healing.

Symptoms

Inability to solve problems

Six things contribute to this:
•trouble thinking clearly.
•emotional overreaction
•memory problems
•sleep disturbances
•physical coordination problems
•difficulty in managing stress.

Inability to solve problems leads to lowered self-esteem. We feel embarrassed, incompetent, and “not okay.” Diminished self-esteem and fear of failure lead to living and working problems. These all add to our stress, and the stress further exaggerates the other problems.

Inability to think clearly

Our brain seems to work properly only part of the time. Sometimes it works okay, sometimes not. This is due to changes that occurred in the brain while we were using. The changes take time to improve.

Inability to concentrate

Abstract reasoning suffers, and we find our minds, like a confused cowboy, jumping on its horse and riding off in all directions.

Rigid, repetitive thinking

Thoughts go around and around in our heads, and we are unable to put them into useful order.

Memory problems

We may hear something, understand it, and 20 minutes later it’s gone! This sort of thing complicates our lives in many ways. It upsets supervisors, annoys significant others, and makes us wonder if we’re losing our minds.

With memory problems it is hard to learn new skills and absorb new information. We learn by building on what we have already learned, and memory difficulties can make it very difficult—if not impossible—to do that. Again, these difficulties add to stress, especially if we do not understand what’s happening to us. We may think, “This *****! I might as well be high.”

Emotional overreaction or numbness ­

People with emotional problems in early sobriety tend to over-react. When this overreaction puts more stress on our nervous systems than we can handle, we react by “shutting down” our emotions. We become emotionally numb, unable to feel anything. We may swing from one mood to another. These mood swings may baffle us, seeming to come without any reason, and may even be misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder. If we have developed insulin resistance or diabetes as a result of our drugs and drinking, this can become extreme. (See H.A.L.T. below)

Sleep disturbances

Disturbed sleep is common in recovery. It may last only a short time, or a lifetime. Often, this depends on what we consider to be a problem. If we are night owls who used alcohol or pills to get to sleep in the daytime, we may discover that the only solution is to make significant changes in our schedule—perhaps even in our occupations. Sleep deprivation stresses the body, prevents our minds from working well, and generally exaggerates any other difficulties we may be experiencing.

We may experience changes in our sleep patterns, sleeping for long periods at a time, or getting sleepy at different times of the day."

OK...I'll stop with that much...but I gotta tell ya.....when I wanted to respond to a post....I'd page down and be ready to comment...and dang!!!  I couldn't remember wtf I wanted to say!!!  I had to physically write down what I wanted to type.  It drove me CRAZY!!  I didn't so much have trouble with "not" sleeping as my sleep patterns.  These articles answered that, too.  Some peeps say, "PAWS...oh poo...that's BS"....but FOR ME......knowing there was a logical, scientific explanation for what I was experienceing on a daily basis helped me immensely!  It helped me hang on.  Afterall, I had been trashing my central nervous system for YEARS!!!

Anyhoo.....I can relate....I don't mean to beat a dead horse here...but if these things "build" in the 3 to 6 months AFTER we get clean....and if it's the greatest CAUSE for relapse....I thought I'd better sit up and listen.