my addiction is whispering to me

[pinkgirl73]

Hi everyone....so my Percocet prescription is ready today for me to go pick up... My plan is to wait until tomoro and then have my husband pick it up after work, we will go to pharmacy together, I will then immediately go pay back my dad the 20 percs i owe him, then I will immediately flush them down the toilet.  Usually i would run and get the scrip asap and start taking them so this is a first for me.....and pretty much for the last 24 hrs my addiction is whispering all kinds of things to me.  Its saying that I am overreacting about my Percocet/booze problem, its saying I dont doit everyday so its not that bad, its saying to just take 2 this time, its saying just give them to ur husband to dole out properly, its saying I don't need aftercare cuz I can do it this time, alone.  Its saying "but u have a backache".  Its saying don't tell anyone ur problem cuz then u will never get anymore.  Its saying "but ur anxietyis going to come back and u will have NO escape from the torture of that."  I keep telling myself that my addiction is a murderous, evil wretch and I am trying not to listen....but Its hard because I have always listened in the past.  The only difference this timeis that I realized a few days ago that my addiction wants me dead.  It wants to ruin my life and my health and wants to take me away from my children and its not my best friend and my crutch like I used to think it was.  So I am just going to keep reminding myself of that and keep telling myself that its one day a time...because the thought of never using pills again is too overwhelming for me right now.  My aftercare plan is to start doing online Smart Recovery meetings and I am going to an N/A meeting this week, as well as keep coming here.  I need to start an aftercare program now...while I am also tapering my tramadol.  Over the weekend my husband left me alone again in my time of need...all sorts of thoughts ran thru my head because every other time he has broken my heart, which has been thousands, I just used to numb the pain...I literally freaked out and wanted to go get some pills...or take extra tramadol "just one more  time"  but I realized that's not the answer becuz then nothing would change.  I want to start learning how to deal with my emotions again without pills.  Its so frickin scary but I am just taking it one minute at a time and going with the flow.  Just wanted to give an update on my situation cuz u guys help me sooooo much and writing and talking help me.  I did sign up on the SMART Recovery website but I have to do online meeting cuz the closest in person meeting in my area is 2.5 miles away.  I am willing to drive but not that long.  I will go to N/A and/or a Christian based programthat I found around here.  I will do something different.  SOMETHING....ANYTHING.  I want to get better.

[VICourageous]

I sure hope you are OK!! Trust us and most of us have a few years in. This darn disease can never be cured but it can be arrest at some point.
When my Mom was alive and had cancer I had hospice put them in a lock box..BUT I knew they were there and it played he11 on me. YES A BIG MIND F it does for sure! This was 6 months ago when she passed. It IS SO SO hard to have them ANYWHERE around you..I too can stiff them out anywhere..SO it is good to stay in a safe place and seek support!!! NOW!!.

Hope you are OK??
Bless

[lulu747]

Checking in with you.

Did your plan work?  How did it go?  You didn't respond to my PM so I am checking in here.
I understand that you think you are in control but I promise you that right now you are NOT.  It won't always be this way, after some recovery work your rational mind will have more balance with your addict mind....But not now.
You are on my mind today so check in okay?

Lu

[msdelight]

DON'T PICK UP THAT SCRIPT!!! THE DEVIL CALLED PERCOCET WILL GET YOU!! YOU SHOULD HAVE CANCELLED THAT LAST WEEK!

[ariley13]

Thank you for the update! I agree with Weaver. You are going to have to set yourself up for success. There will always be opportunities from time to time to get our drug of choice. (Mine is alcohol, so the opportunity presents itself several times daily.) We just have to make sure that we arm ourselves with the tools, coping mechanisms, and support people to know what to do when temptation comes calling. Get honest with your family, friends, and most of all yourself. Get the support that you need to succeed. You can do this!

[weaver71]

Me and my buddy where talking about when we were trying to quit. He said he could sniff out a pill in anyplace he went in about 30 seconds. I just laughed and told him how I had my wife hide my pills, to help me taper. I was trying not to find them, but my internal instincts showed me where they were. I accidentally found them. I think I made it 2 weeks before I 'helped' myself. About 2 months latter I had a respiratory arrest and came real close to dying, because my tolerance had dropped some and I went back to my old dose. That's what it took for me to get aftercare and stop caring what anyone thought. We have to be willing to go to ANY measure to stop. I bring this up to point out that one of your booze/perk binge, once your tolerance gets lower, could very easily kill you. That would mean no more birthdays, what people think truly will be irrelevant, and you would be giving YOUR pain to all those who love you. That's how serious your situation is, no exaggeration in the least. Find some local aftercare and accountability today, get your dad a safe for his pills, don't go anywhere or talk to anyone who could even possibly have a pill around. Set yourself up for success as if your life depends on it, because it does.

[dominosarah]

You need to get real honest with everyone, especially you.  Your addiction is screaming at you, not whispering,  Being around a script or someone who has them is a set up for disaster.  You are still trying to do this by yourself.  Check into aftercare and get that going.

[jmparrt14]

Honey if they can't support you stay away from them until you are over this disease my dear. Stay with those only that love and support you. Build a base start with the ones closest to you. Your husband. Does your son know? If he does then be open with him at his level of course. It will help you and will deter him from going down the same path. God bless you honey. I know you can do this. We are here for you as well. Like a said build your support base. Don't worry about others situations or how they will feel about you stopping it is absolutely none of their business if they do not support you shut them out. For now at least. Make sure they know you love them, apologize if you have to but tell them you are doing this to save yourself and your family. If they can't back you then step forward away from the negativity.

[ang_811]

as long as there r pills around u, your disease is going to be screaming at u. Hidden or not. I have been where ur at and ive had people had there scripts from me but my disease got so loud that I sniffed those pills out.  Take care of u.

[pinkgirl73]

also my moms husband has some from his surgery several months ago and I am going to tell her to hide them.  Uggghhh I am going to disappoint so many ppl but oh well...if they cant support me then I guess I know who is important and who isn't.  I am the only addict in my family so nobody gets it.  My dad will be supportive but my mom wont.  she'll just be mad at me but I don't care...i'm used to the way she is.  She lives an hr away but that didn't stop me last week when I lied to my husband where I was going and drove like a bat outa hell to go steal some from her house.  Good Lord.

[pinkgirl73]

I have a septic system.  I don't want to give my Dad my whole scrip cuz that will just tempt me to ask him for them back  (ie they are mine anyway, so...etc)  @ariley13...I am going to get the scrip with my husband...after he gets out of work...just so I have support.. @Vicki...idk what happened to the tramadol taper question that I put on the other day!  I wondered that too!  I didn't ask for a schedule so idk why it would get deleted.  Maybe I will repost it.  I will let u guys know how it goes tomoro but I know it will be ok.  Also I have an apt with my dr in a few days and I will tell him that I am addicted to my pills and that I don't want anymore.  I promise I will do that.  I am also telling my dad that tomoro.  U guys are awesome and to see so many responses makes my heart so happy!  Thank you all!!!

[weaver71]

I agree with KKsmama, pills should not go into city sewer, flushed or washed down the drain. If you are on a septic system, then microbial life will digest them, before they make it into the rivers. If you are on city sewer, then the pills will end up in the water and in the flesh of fish and other natural life in the habitat. The Hudson river has been studied and found that several kinds of benzodiazapines, opiates, and anti depressants are found in the fish, making them uneatable by the general population. Anyway, I asked my local hospital what to do with extra meds and they suggested crush them into coffee grounds and burry them in the dirt or put them in the trash. We don't want our old drugs to end up in the water supply and have innocent people taking drugs, without knowing, just by drinking water or eating fish. Anyway, I crushed my extras up and put them in my gravel driveway, then washed them in with water, so the microbes in the soil could digest them, before they make it into the water. Lets not destroy the world taking care of ourselves. Be conscious in disposing of meds, we don't want to make our problem some innocent person's problem, or I assume that is true. Destroy them, for real, don't let them end up in the water supply.

[ariley13]

How are you doing Pinkgirl? Please check in and let us know how things went. Good, or bad, we are here for you.

[kksmama]

Pills really shouldnt be flushed or put into the sink or disposals love. Why don't u just give them all to your dad? There may be a time he may need them for one reason or another. He can even use them snd not pick up his for a month and save his moneyfor his copay.

[clean_in_ks]

The title of your thread is:  "My Addiction is Whispering To Me" and my first thought when I read that title was a memory of a letter I ran across that had a PROFOUND affect on me.  Thought I'd share it.  A letter to us from our addiction:

PERSONAL LETTER FROM MY ADDICTION

Dear ****
I’ve come to visit once again.  I love to see you suffer:  mentally, physically, spiritually & socially.  I want to make you restless so you can never relax.  I want you to be jumpy, nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated  and irritable so every thing & every body makes you uncomfortable.  I want you to be confused and depressed so you can’t think clearly and positively.  I want you to hate everybody and ESPECIALLY YOURSELF!  I want you to feel guilty & remorseful for the sins (mistakes) you have made in the past that you will NEVER be able to let go of……..I want to make you angry and hateful towards the world for the way that IT is & the way that YOU are.

I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everybody but ME for the way things are.  I want you to be
deceitful and untrustworthy…..to manipulate and con as many people as possible.  I want to make you fearful & paranoid for no reason at all.  I want to make you wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me.   You KNOW you can’t sleep without me!  I’m even in your dreams.  I want to be the FIRST thing you think of every morning and the LAST thing you think of before you blackout at night.  I’d rather kill you, but I’ll be happy enough
just to put you back in the hospital or in another institution, or jail……but you know I’ll be waiting for you when you get out!!

I love to watch you slowly go insane.  I love to see all the physical damage that I am causing you; I can’t help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake; sweat and freeze at the same time! When you wake up and your sheets & blankets are soaking wet.  It’s amusing to watch you ignoring yourself….not eating… not sleeping….. even your own personal hygiene……yes, it’s amazing how much destruction I can be to your internal organs while at the same time working on your brain……destroying it bit by bit.

I want you to know, I deeply appreciate how much you’ve sacrificed for me…… the countless good jobs, all the fine friends that you deeply cared for….you gave up FOR ME!!  What’s more, the ones you’ve turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions.  I’m even more grateful for them!   And especially your loved ones;  your family;  the most important people in the world to you….you threw them away….for me!!  I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me.  You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself COMPLETELY to me.  But do not despair.  You can ALWAYS count on me.  For after you’ve lost ALL these things, you can depend on me to KEEP you in a LIVING HELL…..to KEEP your mind, body and soul….for I will not be satisfied until YOU, my friend, are dead!

Forever yours,
Your Addiction

[jifmoc]

Thank God, IBKleen and Vicki posted what I was about to scream out to you but they got to it: CANCEL THAT PRESCRIPTION!!!  Your wanted to get it just to pay your Dad back is not only totally insane but it's an excuse to use. Of course it is giving you anxiety: it would to any of us.

Will you pay attention to those who have come before? Not your brain but other's brains.

You are in serious danger territory. I beg of you to heed this advice.

[vicki595]

Hi-  I'm a little afraid about you going near that RX. I don't think you should and never did. We had suggested having your Dad pick it up in your place and just keep it...

Is the NA meeting nearby? You should go tomorrow. I'd say tonight but you want to do the birthday and I understand...But, you're in an urgent situation and need to act quickly. The pills will scream your name so your head has to be filled with OTHER thoughts. That's where meetings come in...some people go to several in a day!  

We're pushing you like this because of the lack of support at your end. You need a friend to help you and don't have one but you can get a sponsor at a meeting...

Anyway, forget the pharmacy and the RX. You just don't need to put yourself through it all!

BTW...what happened to that thread from yesterday about tapering Tramadol?  Why was it deleted, do you know?

[IBKleen]

YOUR ADDICTION IS SCREAMING AT YOU. I REPEAT MYSELF EVERYDAY SO I WILL TRY IT AGAIN:: AFTERCARE, AFTERCARE, AFTERCARE!!! You are putting yourself in danger by paying back your dad. this is ridiculous. Tell him you can't do it..give him money and cancel the prescription.

AFTERCARE. AFTERCARE. AFTERCARE!!!

[lulu747]

You are thinking and acting so much more clearly that I just want to cheer you on!
Battling addiction IS like war and you need to be strategic.  As long as you have a good battle plan in place and your troops behind you, YOU WILL OVERCOME.  As time goes by it gets easier.  But these early days are crucial for you and as I mentioned in my PM to you just now SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS.

As for the breathing try this every time you feel the anxiety coming on.
Lay on your back in a quiet dark room.  Breathe in through your nose for 6 counts.  Hold it for two counts.  Breathe out through your nose for 8 counts.  Do this until your heart rate slows and your limbs feel heavy.
You can do this anywhere, in the car etc.  So just try it.

All anxiety is is oxygen deprivation from your brain.  If you breathe like this it is IMPOSSIBLE to hyperventilate.
You will have to work at it to get your breath down in your diaphragm.
If you put your hands on your diaphragm to encourage it to work it will be easier.

Girl, I am proud of you.  You've got this.
xo
Lu

[weaver71]

Oh yeah, you will need to call them, so you can get your dad's replacements, but cutting sources after is really important.

[weaver71]

I agree, glad you didn't go alone. Guess you just gotta ride it out. Hope your son is a good distraction and helps the time pass. Does your husband know your plan and there to make sure you follow through? My his is a big trigger and I want you to succeed. You will feel a huge relief after this. Do you plan to tell the pharmacy you are addicted?

[pinkgirl73]

@weaver....yes I would do that except it will literally take me hours.  My doctor is in the next town over and my dad is in the next town from that...but before I go to my dad's i'd have to come from the town where my scrip is...all the way back to my town to the pharmacy because I am only ollowed to get my scrip filled at one pharmacy.  so its so much travel time that my son's whole night would be ruined and he would also be alone:(  I could have done all this while he was at school...but then I would have been alone and I don't know if I have that much will power to do all that by myself without taking some.  I am going to do it tomoro at around 5pm.....I am just want my husband with me for support...cuz it has to be MY decision to flush them...but I need some support.

[weaver71]

How long would it take to go the the pharmacy and back? The reason i ask is, I felt like I was neglecting my kids needs as I detoxed. IF you ask them today, they will say it was worth it. Between meetings, therapy, reading about recovery, I really felt horrible about all I had to do, when I felt I should be worrying more about their needs. Truth is, the most important thing I could have possibly done for them was take care of me and my addiction. Now, I get our whole lives together to have birthdays, go to the park, kayak, I do way more with them than I did on opiates. Drugs only make us think we are doing it for our family, but we are really doing it for ourselves. If it gets so bad anxiety you are distracted from your family, it may be worth getting this looming temptation out of the way. Just make sure you don't jeopardize being the real you for your kids for the rest of your life, so you can be with them for one day.

[VICourageous]

Very Good!!
Addiction is a progressive Disease that will take away your Health or your Life.
Do not waste all these years. It is so much harder to detox at a older age. Once the damage is done physically you can not get it back..Do not mess up the balance of the brain chems more then you have so far.
I wish you all the best.
Get out of your Head and stay in your Life so you can age very gracefully.
Bless

[pinkgirl73]

yes...it is because of the looming access...and its making my anxiety terrible cuz I just want to get this part overwith.  I would just do it all today but its my son's 13th birthday to day and I don't want to put him on the backburner for this disease again.  he wants to spend time with us and i'm not gonna take up the evening running around trying to get this pill mess straightened out...but my anxiety is making me do my usually chronic and subtle hyperventilation...which has terrible symptoms that I have been fighting for 13 years and is the biggest reason I used in the first place.  my addiction is saying "u are gonna go back to living with this constant dizziness and anxiety and how r u gonna escape?"  the fear of being stuck in that nightmare again is actually triggering me to have more anxiety...like a chicken or the egg type thing.  I cant wait til tomoro...I just keep telling myself that hopefully this dizziness will go away a little then.