fighting the fight when your bipolar

[gnarly_1]

HI ....night after night I come on this forum to lend a helping hand along with many others to help make this forum the great place it is for the struggling addict.....tonight im that struggling addict...I suffer with not only addiction but also bipolar disorder...I am one of the foruchanet ones that lead a pritty normal life and as long as I take my meds I usually dont even know I have it....then theirs nights like this one...I have felt it coming for a wile...earlier this week was the racing thoughts the beginning of a mania.....no sleep...it like someone keeps tuning the radio dial but wont stop and the stations keep coming and going non stop...it kinda like being in a dream but being awake during it...it can be a scary place....I have had this happen b/4 and know what to do...this time I was able to shut my mind off with some benadril and get some sleep ...circumventing a full blown mania..that in itself is enough to want to make you use to make it stop
but tonight today and the day b/4 the other side of bipolar has came to visit..the depression ..a deep dark want to lock myself up and hide from the world depression...it is debilitating...it is like darkness closing in from all directions at the same time...there no joy in this place...I only want to isolate ...I dont want anyone not even my family see me like this...all the things that bring me joy are ineffective in getting me out of this....this is when a handfull of pills gets real appealing to me...anything to make this feeling stop...no one is awake...the pills are in the house...not in view but I know I could find them if I looked....I could ezely flush 314 days clean down the drain because of this dam illness...right now I would do just about anything to get out of feeling like this...my drug conslor Paul said I have used most of my life to self medicate this condition ...when I feel like this I know why.....it is taking every ounce of energy to post this...to expose my weakness  to talk myself out of doing something stupid ...so instead of using I sit her looking at this screen wondering when this feeling will leave me...how long will I have to endure....I cry out to God...I know he hears me but I dont know why he has never taken this thorn from my flesh...I know his word says I will never be tempted beyond what I can bear...but tonight I am at my limit...im on the edge and hanging by a thread but im hanging on....hanging on for dear life...a clean and sober life despite how I feel....this is one of the not so nice parts of being able to feel again....it would be so ez to use so ez to escape this feeling but I sit here feeling like a fool posting this...but I got to get this off of my chest and out there..I got to tell on myself b/4 I make a horable mistake tonight this has to work nothing else has I know I can come here and share my struggle..and someone out there will understand ....tonight I will stay clean because of this forum and all that I have learned here tonight I post for me..your friend and fellow addict Mark          

[ang_811]

I really hope they can find a way to help Josh this time around. U and kat keep strong. Ur n my prayers always.

[laurel453]

MArk, that's true... we are all rooting for you :)... sometimes the diagnosis takes much more time than the treatment, it seems this is the case, hope they will find the treatment soon  and josh will be ok :) all the best for you and your family !!!!

[pillfree21]

What an example of courage, openess and honesty, all things we need to survive in the aftermath of addiction.....you continue to inspire myself and others.  I have been traveling and not able to log on as much recently, but it is post threads like these that really feed my soul.

We are all rooting for you.  You have done so much for others and I hope that positive karma returns to comfort you.

[narla]

It's good to hear your sons heart is OK,hopefully they can now work on what is causing the problems,Your family are in my prayers,Take Care

Denise

[Storme]

My prayers are with you and your family hon!

[10356]

I send prayers up with the others.. it is amazing what can happen when many send them together..  Have they ruled out Plurisy to the heart our lungs ? anyway I just wanted to let you know prayers are being sent as I type this.. I wish a good friend I knew had the where withal too fight this disease of addiction coupled with Bipolar as I miss her at times.  lesa

[gnarly_1]

HI and once again thanks for all your support....I have never had a post send me more
messages then this one...I truly posted out of desperation when I posted it...I posted it for me but it has touched so many...each one of you have touched me in a special way
I haven't forgotten about you just haven't had time to answer all the messages but im working on it thank each and ever one of you for sharing with me and thanks for all the notes for encouragement they meen more to me then you will ever know...im feeling a bit better as the days go by...I cant sleep tonight so I thought I would post my mind seams to be able to focus im not out of the woods yet but getting there...where starting to get some of the test results back for Josh...the cat scan still showes pacreitic but also showed fluid building up under his lungs in his chest cavity this is where the chest pain is coming from ...we are thankful to God its not his heart...now they need to come up with why its doing this and a treatment plan to reduse it its taken 2 trips to the E/R and being hospitalized to figure this much out...the pacreitic is still a problem thats unsolved but at least where making progress ...the long days in the hospital are wherein on us but me and Kat are going to take turns tomorrow to make it a little ezer on everybody again thanks for all the support and prayers we will get threw this your friend Mark    

[ang_811]

U, kat, and Josh r all n my prayers. Keep strong and get better.

[lmccoy]

Let me start by stating that as with all who responded I appreciate all the help you offer others and am very sorry for what I'm hearing you are going through. The main thing I wanted to say to you is that I have two or three people in my life that I am close to but not close enough to have gone through there bipolor with. I know they have it and we discuss it, I have read about it, but untill I read your post about the feelings of detatchment I never really understood the cycle of mania and depression and where it goes from there. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it, but by posting here you have helped me to understand a few people I care about just a little better. Hope your life in all catigories gets better, lmccoy

[jaxbaby]

Prayers and thoughts are with you and your familly. Will keep watching for updates on you and your son

[vicki595]

Mark~ Give yourselves a big,long hug... This is so tough to go through with your son...
Love and paryers to you and the family...Keep us posted about Josh(special prayer for him!) xo

[cpdave]

God Bless you I just wanted u to no what an inperation u r to me and I will pray for u and your family

[LeaAnn807]

I am praying for you and your family, Mark!  

[gnarly_1]

HI ....well things are looking a bit brighter today for me....I went back up in dose on one of my meds and can finely think clearly again....im still not at 100% but im heading in the right direction....im sleeping and thats a big part of getting well with this...I just wish I could ketch a break with all the stress witch is aggravating the symptoms...yesterday we had Josh up at the doctor to get another referal this time to a cardiologist for the chest pain he has been having since he has left the hospital 2 weeks ago...wile there his vital signs where off
his pulse rate was way high his saturated oxygen level was low respiration shallow and he had a fever of 101....the doctor is concired he hasn't been improving since he left the hospital and dident want to wait 3 days for blood tests to come back so they told us to take him up to the E/R again...Kat was there most of the night... there really concired and are unable to give us a diagnosis at this time they think the cist in his pancreas may have burst and has got infected but need more test to figure it out so they admitted him to the hospital again...so where back to square one again ...again I cant thank all of you enough for all the support, prayers and kind words..I truly feel loved and excepted by all the people of this community...right now where off to the hospital once again to support our son...God give me strength to do this..your friend Mark      

[avisg]

hey hun,
you have been under lots of stress and have had family struggles with illness that takes it toll on you ..Are u taking your BP meds all of them because i am sure you know med holidays are the worst for BP patients.we are all here to support u.

[jaxbaby]

I am so relieved to hear help is on its way -  you will be feeling better soon.  Once again, we learn from you And continue to inspire us!  Thank you for your courage to share and prayers are still coming your way! Keep us posted.

[scoenen]

Mark-  I am so sorry that you have had to deal with all of these things at once.  You have been a real hero to a lot of us on this board but even heros are tested, probably more than most.  I will be praying for you!

[dominosarah]

Oh Gnarly i am so happy for you right now.  You did all the right things, you reached out for help.......Rest up my friend and get better.......sara

[ang_811]

I'm so relieved to see ur post! : D I'm happy to hear ur feeling a lil better and even happier that ur gonna get 2 c ur doctor today! Let us know how ur doing when u feel up to it. But take it easy and get sum rest!

[vicki595]

Mark~  You've done all the right things!!   It's great!  I know you feel lousy but you'll be fine in a few days. Just hang on to that!   Your meds wil probably only need a minor adjustment...

You may not feel it but I think you've been VERY strong...

Have a good dinner tonight and get some rest,please...xo

[gnarly_1]

Well im still clean and sober .....went to see my substance abuse consolor today and unloaded on him....even let him read my post...he needs to know just how desperate I was on
sat night...he is part of arizona's mental health care system and after we talked a wile he agreed that I need to see the doctor right away....he then took the time to make sure it happened and hooked me up with the proper people there and I have an appoitment at 1.30 today....amazing considering they just combined 2 clinics into one because of budget cuts
today I feel better after sleeping I dont feel detached from the world right this moment but have been going in and out all morning the depression is still there but not as bad...im cycling now in and out of mania and then back to depression then to detachment its uncomfortable...but at least there is periods like now that I feel almost normal...im sain enough to know I need my meds adjusted ...I think I will make it this time without haveing to go into the hospital...it just scares me that this disorder could drive me to use..but with a good support system this forum at 1 in the morning I have circumvented using it was a close call but I got past it....I dont look forward to getting my meds adjusted ...I always feel like a ginnipig that there experimenting on...I have learned to trust my doctor she has keep me really stable over the last 7 yrs and always seem to know what to do no mater what the symptoms are....if nothing else come out of this post just know that with a good support system (aftercare) you can make it threw times of desperation ...without one Im sure the outcome would have been disastrous...right now im going to do what my conslor told me to do and just rest till I see the doctor...its comforting to know that help is on the way...I know from experience this might take a few days for the meds to work but at least I have a ray of hope again I thank everone on this forum...it was because of you guys I dident use on sat night....God had the right people up in the middle of the night
and then there after to make me feel welcome to share this dark part of my life...I am looking forward to puting this behind me and getting back to normal again your friend Mark    

[dominosarah]

I hope you get a good nights sleep.  Please let us know how you are after you see your doctor~~~~sara

[jessiekauai]

I admire the way you so free with the way you are feeling. So, don't feel like a fool. It is a quality that most should possess, but don't.

I understand your problem. I have been diagnosed twice with bi-polar in the past, but I have fought that diagnosis. Instead, I'm being treated for depression. I know the place you speak of. The darkest place that no one can save you from. The feeling of wishing you could run from yourself. You have been so much help to me on this forum. If I can be a ear to listen to you, then that's the least I can do for what you have helped me through. Please feel free to message me. Keep your head up. You can get through this.

Jessica

[ang_811]

Hey mark..Ur n my prayers and am hoping for the best for ya. Def let us know how 2morrow goes 4 ya. Try and get sum good sleep 2night that alWays does wonders. I'm thinking and praying 4 ya.