Rough day yesterday!

[Sonrissa]

Hi Everyone! So yesterday was the 4th of July! It was one of the most difficult days I've had so far! I got up this morning feeling like I have survived a war, but just barely! First, the memories! When I was a kid, my favorite holiday was the 4th of July! Even better than Christmas! My dad would round up all the neighbors and get them to contribute their fireworks to ours! Our block would have a huge potluck, and then the show would begin! We lived in a Cul De Sac and my dad would set up in the middle and put on a show for the entire neighborhood! My sisters, and friends and I had so much fun and we were so proud of my dad! We lost my dad about 10 years ago this month, and the 4th of July is when I truly miss him the most! The pill cravings were intense for me! I just wanted to feel better and to take the sadness away!

Second, my current neighborhood went way overboard with the illegal fireworks! It sounded like bombs going off my neighborhood! My windows were shaking! My poor cats, who are the only children I have, were frightened to death! One cat in particular, Fred, spent the night pacing all over the place trying to hide! He was howling and crying, and vomiting all night! He would not eat or drink at all! He would not let me hold or comfort him! The fireworks went on until way past midnight! At about 12:30am I nearly took him to the 24 hour animal hospital! Oh, I did speak to the police, I hated to do it but, they told me they would do nothing unless someone was hurt! End of story!   Finally, it stopped around 1am, and I tried to get some sleep! No luck! I tossed and turned and I just wanted a handful of pills! If I just had a few pills I know I could have handled this day much better! I made it but, This, was a real test for me! Thanks for listening and all the support! Sorry for the long post!

[akitagurl12]

proud of u for staying strong!!!  Once this craving wave passes, u will be so glad u didnt give in.  I don't know how it goes for others, but it seems like when cravings hit, they hang around for several days.  And it keeps me on my toes.  But once it passes, more and more time passes where i dont have a craving at all.  i haven't found an addiction support group, (besides this forum) where I felt comfortable at.  I am still looking, but for now, I am going to church & alanon meetings because i realized the biggest reason i was taking pills was because i dont have good boundaries with other people in my life and it was causing me so much pain.  So, maybe if u can't find an addiction group right away, getting support for something else that is going on with u could help too.  You are doing great:)

[dominosarah]

When we heard "pull" we knew it was going to be a good one!!  lol  I have no clue what the big wee is but as you said it was damn fun watching it!!!  

[Sonrissa]

I know! Yesterday and last night really made me see the need for aftercare, to deal with "life" while sober! I'm on it!!

What is it about men, and blowing things up! I could never understand it, but is was damn fun watching it!

Thank you!

[dominosarah]

My dad was also the ring leader for fireworks.  We used to line up on the boulevard and he and the neighbor guy would go into the football field and blow things up!!  I know the heartache you felt yesterday.  The memories of our fathers are so bittersweet at times.  My dad passed away 6 yrs ago and there isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about him.  They had a grand view of the fireworks last night where they are at........It is very common to crave during times like this.  The emotions we are feeling are uncomfortable and hurt and our way of thinking is to numb them up instead of feeling them.  As time goes on your emotions wont be so foreign to you and you will walk thru them, not around them.  As for Fred, i am so glad he is feeling better.  My beagle didnt like them either, she sat and shook for quite sometime.  Makes you feel so bad.....Chin up girl, you made it thru, now check out some aftercare!

[NowOrNever43]

Of course you fit in!! I know you have always made me feel better and have been there through my many detoxes! You absolutely rock!! Keep staying strong you've got this!!

[Sonrissa]

Thank you for the support! My poor Fred is better today, but I think he has lost about 1/2 his fur! A couple of bald spots on him! He is eating now! But still looks around like he will be attacked! It's funny how when one of your "kids" is sick, it can trigger all sorts of thoughts, for me at least! You are all wonderful! This place makes me feel like I finally "fit in" somewhere! Thanks, and I fight on for just another day!

[GarbageAddict360]

Let start off by saying I am so happy you said NO.  I had a really tough time yesterday as well.  Holidays in many ways are the hardest triggers, especially the "party" holidays.  The 4th has always been a big one for me, living in Philadelphia, it gets crazy up in here HAHA This year was the first year in 11 that I wasn't intoxicated in one way or another.

I just want you to remember how valuable you are to this community, as it was just 2 nights ago you pulled me out of a potential relapse.  You definitely need to take time each day and remember this!

You made it, take a deep breath and know that you just hurdled your obstacle. BE PROUD :)

[NowOrNever43]

Thank you so much, you rock! :)
-Michelle

[Sonrissa]

Are you kidding me Now? You put the smile on my face!! With your positive attitude and amazing determination, you are doing it! stay strong, and thank you!

[NowOrNever43]

Sorry to hear about your rough day yesterday, but am so happy you didn't use! Everyone above gave you great advice! I am here rooting for you girl! You always know how to put a smile on my face so I hope someday to do the same for you! :)

[Sonrissa]

Thank you Rick! I need aftercare for sure! I am finding it difficult to lead a sober life! I tried meetings a couple times! I did not feel comfortable for various reasons! But, I think I need to give them another try! I have been using this board for aftercare, posting and replying to try to support and help people and myself! I'm going to look into some counseling! I think my health insurance will cover this and I need to do it while I still have the medical insurance! Thanks for the reminder, Rick!

[kyle505]

The cravings will become less, but that's something that takes time, aftercare, etc. You know the drill. Meanwhile, not having access kind of makes the cravings moot.

[Sonrissa]

Yup Kyle, I know about cutting ties! Just wish it could take away the intense cravings! But you know what the old saying is about wishes in one hand and poop in the other! See which hand fills up first! (sigh)

Thanks LeeAnn, I do know this! I Definately do NOT want to start over again! If I survived yesterday, and yesterday was so far the worst day, I hope I can survive anything! It was so tough, but I am grateful for making it! I will remember your words!

[quitinoxys]

Hi I am sorry to here about the rough day you had yesterday. Are you doing any sort of aftercare? I have been where you were many times in my recovery as I would let my addictive brain try to convince me that "its ok you are having a rough day and taking a pill would help you through it". I would actually sit there and rationalize it and think one won't put me back into w/d or I can do just one and be ok WRONG!!! As my buddy Gnarly says one's to many and 1000 not enough.

The reason why I asked if you are doing any aftercare is that it is key to staying sober as we learn the tools and techniques to staying clean. Aftercare helps us to develop our sober selves and helps us to know when we maybe in crisis and need to reach out. You did a great job resisting the temptation to use so keep it up. Maybe next year you and your cats can go on a vacation to avoid the stress of bombs burting in air. Good luck I will pray for you. God Bless---Rick

[LeaAnn807]

Hey, honey!  If you had a few pills, you might have a fun day.  Might could have handled it, but can you handle losing your clean time and going through withdrawals?  I understand how you feel.  I craved for a year, I think!  From time to time, I still do.  

Here's the deal.......I used to go through the vicious cycle.  Get clean.  Stay clean for a little while.  Think I could have "just a few" or "just one day" and it could work once.  Maybe even twice.  But eventually it caught up to me.  I would end up right back where I was or worse!  Each time gets much worse, until finally you can't even handle your life anymore.  It's misery.  You KNOW this!  When you have a thought like that again, remember the words I've said to you.  I've been through it so many times that I've lost count.  For real!  I can't even remember how many times.  And that's sad.  Each time I started out by just thinking the thoughts that you had!  A few WILL hurt.  Please trust me......someone who has been where you are!

I'm proud of you for getting through it.  It sounds incredibly hard, and I'm sorry!  But......it's over.  Be happy for that, and thank God that you aren't going back through that today! : )

Sending you a huge hug!  

[kyle505]

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I too had an interesting 4th, but it looks like we both made it, although both of us were thinking about pills.
It is times like these that I have to give myself some credit (doesn't happen much) for looking ahead and cutting all ties to pills. I go on and on about that, but I really don't know what I would have done yesterday if I could have gotten my addicted little hands on some meds.
Anyway, we made it. Now on to another wonderful day clean. Hope the cats are OK too.

[Sonrissa]

Oh yeah, and the lesson learned for next year? I will be getting a kitty tranquilizer from my vet for Fred! Maybe one for me, too!! (smile)