It was meant for anyone!! I just remember getting angry and so defensive. It was okay for me to feel the way i did, just not anyone else! When i was able to really hear what she was saying things started to move forward. I always wanted to go around the issues instead of facing them head on.
dont know if your comment was meant for me but it helped me see some of what I may be doing wrong...I too tend to get angry at times maybe ive been trying so hard to get her not to feel the way she does, instead of letting her and also letting her know its ok...thankyou
When you do talk to your kids make sure to let them know their feelings are justified. I have found this to be very helpful in my own situation. I would get very angry with my daughter or so i thought. I was actually angry with myself for causing her all the pain. Until i finally figured out it was okay for her to feel the way she did then real healing started. There is forgiveness on the other side of their pain but the trust takes along time. I am not sure she trusts me yet but that is okay, she may never and that is okay too. As i have said before our actions speak louder than words.
Hey there...Great post!!! I cant tell you how much time ive spent thinking about how much addiction hurt my children throughout my detox. I came from a home full of addiction and know just how painful and long lasting the effects can be. My father and I havnt spoke in years hes never been to either of my daughters bdays ect.maybe one day some healing will happen there.... I too felt I was a "good parent" provided the best I could...now I realize that it wasnt my best not even close. What you said about the trust wow lightbulb... my children are young 2 and 7 and while I dont think my 2 year old has been effected my 7 yr old was around during my "chasing days" I broke alot of promises to her, let her stay with her grandparents way more than I should have...I sometimes feel shes closer or trusts them more than me and why shouldnt she. Shes a great kid makes good grades funny ect..but dont feel as much of a bond with her that I think I should. I realize that its going to take some work show her that she can trust me, keep my promises and always be there for her....I know I want to break the "cycle" not just for me but for them hope that god lends some forgiveness and heals both our familys.....thanks again mark!!
HI Debbie......well this subject tugged on my heart strings also the weekend was light there where 3 1 hr teachings one each morning .....I was so surprised at how many people reacted both addict and dysfunctional family's alike .....I had thought I had delt with all this yrs ago but the things Bill brought up where so profound....its like I love my kids with all my heart always have but both Mat and Rach have always kept there private lives to themself even during crises our family has always had the ability to pull together to help each other out but the 2 of them keep things in... things that they should feel comfortable sharing with there dad it hurts me so....when Bill said your children cant receive your love until they trust you completey trust you God sorta lit up the light bulb above my head that thats probably whats going on with the 2 of them .....so much of the burden of running the house and watching out for there siblings fell on them that they have closed there hearts off to receive the depth of love both Kat and I have for them
im really hoping for a break threw ....this is one subject we have never discuss in the forum b/4 yet it is so critical to the family dynamic....addiction effects the whole dynamic of the family and your sorta left there broken with all the pieces left to put back together .....im so sorry to here your daughter is using again I will keep your family in my prayers I know exactly how that feels we went threw it with our Sara for many yrs but God has restored her and she has been clean going on 7yrs now try not to get discouraged by the circumstances but rather give glory to the the one that can set them free......I dont know how Kat kept her faith so strong threw it with Sara but she did and I truly believe it played a pivotal roll in her getting healed ......remember everything in God time .....I wish you all the best with your consoling im sure God will heal your family as he has done mine he's just not threw with mine yet anyway if you need to talk im always out here for you I love you as a sister in the Lord and you being on this forum blesses me more then I could ever express in words may God bless your whole family abundantly Debbie your friend and brother in the Lord Mark
This is beautiful in a very sad way. Your pastor is right in that it's never too late to make amends with your kids. My uncle was a terrible alcoholic. He could be funny and give out money to us or he could be rude and vulgar and abusive. Growing up, when I'd see his truck in front of the house, my stomach would clench. As kids, I was really close to his two kids. But his addiction was so out of control, his wife threw him out. Can't blame her. It caused a rift between the families, and I lost touch with my cousins (especially my girl cousin that was a year younger than I.)
Over the years my uncle would disappear for months at a time. My mother would be out of her mind with worry. Other times he's show up and be so intoxicated that my father would drive him home ... only to have my uncle somehow get back to our house before my dad and take his truck. He had about 20 car accidents involving alcohol. Somehow, he escaped jail time.
He met another woman who could overlook his drinking. God Bless her. She kept him safe. By the time I was in my twenties, his children would no longer see or speak to him. He became very bitter by this, but I knew it was his own fault. Often, he would come to my apartment looking for money or food. If I had it, I'd give him a few bucks, and he'd always pay it back, though it might be a year later.
He was a brilliant man, and alcohol robbed him of everything. At 70, he had another OUI. This time he did go to jail. It darn near killed my mom. She was in a wheelchair and on oxygen and wanted me to bring her to the prison but I wouldn't. He spent 15 months in prison.
When he got out, he started drinking again. But he quit. Because he came down with liver cancer. By then, I had accidently met up with my cousin and we had gotten our families together. We didn't talk much about her dad, other than she really wanted nothing to do with him.
When he told me about his diagnosis and that there was nothing they could do, I was very torn. I decided to tell my cousin, thinking that at least that way she had the knowledge and the choice was hers.
In the end, she embraced him. He got to meet his 2 grandchildren and his son-in-law. Even his ex-wife forgave him, and would have him over for lunch. He also reconciled with his son.
It is NEVER too late. Mark, you have a beautiful soul. The good you do on here is astounding. You SAVED me from letting my doc put me on methadone for pain. If I hadn't of read your posts, I probably would have blindly gone along.
ALL parents make mistakes. We ALL need to make amends to our children. Believe me, your children love you and you will fix this. None of us are perfect. We all do the best we can. Being open and honest with your children is a huge gift to give them. Maybe for some it will take time. Being patient isn't easy!! At least not for me. I want God to do things in my time, not His ... and sometimes I don't like the answers I get!! I think I know best when, in fact, He does.
You and your family will be in my prayers. I fully believe that all will work out ... you are a GIFT to everyone here, and you are a gift to your family!!!!
Hi there---
This is a profoundly deep and helpful post. The truths that you are sharing were learned through grief and pain, and you are just the most amazing person to be strong enough and honest enough to share your experience with us. Thank you so much.
Bill is a very wise man; you are wise, too, so try what he suggests. I love the idea of a meal with each of your children. If the two that are estranged won't come, then write them a letter, full of sorrow, gratitude, and love. You have a very powerful talent for writing. And even if it seems a real uphill battle with them, perhaps the other three will talk to them from time to time and report on how well you are doing keeping your promises--that can do a lot, too. Please keep us updated on how this is going. I pray that your family will be brought back together and healed. Talk to you again soon.
I am typing on my phone . So please forgive the format .
Also I have more comments when I get to a computer
Great topic and definitely worth discussing
Hey mark.
My heart is heavy and I am sobbing. My children all have insecurities issues that goes right along with fear.anxiety and trust.I know much of it stems from my husbands addiction.
I recently found out my 20 yr old daughter is using again.my husband has been in recovery for 18 months but all these things are the consequences of his years of use. My children
My marriage my spirit are all still healing. I know it will be a long process. We are beginning counseling with our 2 youngest this week. My oldest son says he has forgiven.my husband used for 14 yrs most of the 3 oldest lives and all of my youngest 2 lives. There is so much healing to be done and it seems overwhelming .I am healed of the bitterness I harbored and know we unfortunately can't go back. We only have today and no promise of tomorrow.
We are healing and I see that but there is so much to still be healed. There is anger.rebellion
We all need a healing touch. Trust needs to be earned back and I believe with time this too
Shall be healed.
By HIS grace and mercy we are being healed. I believe that with all my heart.
Hugs
Debbie