i messed up

[stilltrying1965]

I would like to explain myself i was clean 200 plus days. The best 200 days of my life and now iv messed up big time. i will apoligise for leting the people who went out there way to help me. like i said im very sorry. Now i must go through all the pain,mental stuff again no ones fault but my own my wife kim is still clean but i dissapointed Kim as we were doing great but will help me again the way she has always helped me. We sat down and had a long conversation about my realapse and told her why i had gone back to drugs. My problem is trying to live wwith the horrendous sexual abuse i suffered as a 12 year old boy and the physical abuse i suffered at the hands of these so called people who were ment to look after me.And at the hands of a man who i called dad i have trouble copeing with that So when i take drugs i find it difficult to deal with the real world and the problems it brings no excusess just my own mind my own fault and heroin was the only way i knew to block those memories I had a councilor but let her down aswell trying to tell my story was so hard hence the useing of drugs i told her some of my story but after my meetings it was as if it had just happened yesterday and found it hard to cope with.And i know if i dont stop now its going to take my life but most of the time i dont think my life is worth that much. Only Kim would miss me thats how much love i ever got showed in my life So yes i want to stop taking heroin my wife pleads with me and tells me what happened to me as a child was not my fault but it does not change the thoughts nightmares that i have. And Kim also tells me drugs are not the answer to my childhood problems. but i have only ever told Kim this when i was being abused i actualy liked it she told me that yes you would have liked it as that was my first sexual expereance how did you expect it to feel.But that is abig part of how guilty i do feel i hate what i see in the mirror and dont beleive that Kim loves me i wish i had never told Kim what had happened to me thes bastards exploited a 12 year old boy who never understood what was happening to me.So they left a broken body and mind i hate what i see and find it hard to beleive Kim could love some one like me then my only way out of those feelings was heroin but do realise that i have to cope with lifr other than taking heroin and i keep thinking Kim will leave me like every one else did i feel so sad, lonely that my life means nothing to me i cant keep taking heroin as im loseing my life,my family and the only women i have ever loved Kim so i need to sort my life out as the way im living i wont have a life im killing myself. Thanks for taking the time to read thiis you are all a great bunch of people. Who have supported me when my own family call me names like smackhead,junkie and they were ment to love me well i know im just one big embarrasment to them they make me feel like a nobody nothing  worthless .............JAMES

[worried878]

agree with charetti....u have probably already relived them over and over....we r all here for u when u need support...learning new coping mechanisms will help You be there for You when u need support...keep us posted

[Charetti]

Hi James,
I dont think its always necessary for you to trudge up the old memories to work through them.  You just need some new coping strategies, not easy but possible.  Not all counselors are a good match so perhaps look for someone that will work with you in a safe and productive way.  Perhaps take a course or join a group.  Dont give up, there is hope for your recovery from these horrible experiences if you can find the right person to work with.

We are all rooting for you!!

[worried878]

Thinking biout the definition of love//true love...and i think it means loving someone means loving them "in spite of"..have found thru relationships that peeps all have a different defintion of love//my definition is deep//love doesnt come overnight nor leave that fast either....to me if someone falls in love super fast//i have found they can fall out of love just as fast

Kim truly loves u....but I do know even true love can grow weary//perhaps i got off on the wrong foot here///perhaps it is not a question if Kim loves u//obviously she does//i do not know the dynamics in ur realtionship...may be about "how much u love kim" but most of all urself James...we can fall into dark places...beating urself up and reliving the past gets us only deeper...tis good for me to go there once and a while and feel it///but dwelling there is usually not a good thing...but rarely go there//ur post made me flash back for a sec//but have relived it one too many times...and there is no comfort or healing for me in dwelling there
sexual abuse happened to me when i was in 2nd grade//not a family member and never even told my family til i wan an adult///the shame was not warranted but when u r young u dont know how to take this stuff///I pulled away from my dad after this happened due to possible fear of male intimacy even on a fatherly basis//the "touching" made me nauseated.....but it comes out////triggers r sumpin we all have///and working on these issues are important  to our recovery///reliving things we can not change one too many times///becomes self destructive///and letting go of the hurt and the anger/most of all letting go of the fact that we r somehow responsible or tarnsihed cos of sumpin like this //letting go of this and turning into a memory from way back and not part of the life we are leading here and now is tough....James we r not there now..we r here...and life is short..reliving bad memories or holding anger is not hurting them...i thought about this one day and it was like a bolt of lightning during my aftercare when it hit me..."my anger  is not hurting those peeps..it is only hurting me"     and you

Forgiving doesnt mean telling anyone u forgive them...forgiveness can be sumpin we do that is totally selfish in nature...it can free us...we dont have to tell them as they would probably not care...but forgiving sumpin deepdown that we carry like a ball and chain on top of what they already did to hurt us is almost a form of self torture....it is not torturing them//our anger is not//it is weighing us down and holding us back from moving forward in life...we owe it to ourselves to let go of this huge weight////cos no one deserves this in the first place////much less to have to carry the burden around for life.....and i do beleive it is up to us to let this go..we can not erase it...but we can get up and move forward....u didnt deserve this james///but living in the past can be very hard..when the future is waiting on u and u desrve it!  (:   ):

[stilltrying1965]

I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND WORDS  YES I WANT TO STOP BUT WHEN I NEED SUPPORT YOU GUYS GIVE IT TO ME IM ANGRY WITH MYSELF I KNOW I CAN DO THIS YOU ARE ALL A GREAT BUNCH OF AMAZING PEOPLE AND LETAKOS I KNOW YOU WOULD BE THERE FOR ME WITHOUT ASKING IF I DONT HAVE THE SUPPORT FROM YOU LETAKOS OR THE GREAT PEOPLE ON THE FORUM I DO KNOW THIS DRUG WILL KILL ME I WANT TO STOP I UNDERSTAND WHAT EVERY ONE IS SAYING I NEED TO TAKE MY LIFE BACK INFACT I WILL TAKE MY LIFE BACK BUT ONLY HAVE LIMITED USE OF THE PC AS I HAVE TO GO TO MY DAUGHTERS AND WHEN SHE COMES IN I HAVE TO STOP USEING IT I DONT JUST DISSAPEAR THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT ....JAMES

[avisg]

At some point we have to stop letting our past ruin your future .Maybe getting clean is something you are going to have to do on your own. maybe the fact that you know regardless of whether you use or not that kim will stay .That might be making it easy for you to conitue to use .You have to get back with the counselor and have u 2 been going to the NA meets.You have to choose recovery you haven't done that yet . this is not the way you want to spend the rest of your life it your choice James u need to make it ... we are here for u but we cant get you to choose to be clean only u can hun
xoxoxoxox

[10356]

ahhh James.. Thank you for your honesty although not all of what you are going through right now it is a start.. I will be here to support you through your wd james there is no doubt and I'm grateful to kim for having an open mind and heart to give it another go.. I understand what you say when you speak of the past with your counselor.. it takes us back to the moments.. but james right now you have lived in that moment for to many years.. you like I have dwelled on it for way to long.. I here a lot about forgiveness.. to be honest James I will never forgive my step father for changing the course of my very being stole my childhood through his sickness and perversion..  My anger I extinguished.. it was killing me..  I have forgiven myself and the others that have stood by with apathy..  but I used my past as a shield to those who would expect more of me.. I used it as a way to hold on to my addictions.. I was comfortable and terrified of who I would be without my excuse.. Right now I'm free james I'm free of my step father.. I have allowed him for way to long to effect my adult life.. I was but a shadow in this world.. now I step forward with the knowledge that I had beat him.. I have won.. I showed the stronger for getting the help he never did.. I showed stronger by being whom I was meant to be.. I survived and You will also James.. it matters not who knows.. really who gives a flying F uck what others think of your past... they have not walked in your shows.. but take pride that you have for it has given you something... a inside to life that others may not have.. You will make it James You just have to be sick of letting Your past rule your present and future.. we walk as one we will always walk as one.. love letakos
.

[dominosarah]

Until YOU take back the power of your life this will continue.  You are a prisoner in your own body James.  We are the only ones who can change the destructive path we are on.   I am one of the many that have been right beside you since the beginning and i got to tell you the negativity and despair is getting worse and worse, the drugs are getting worse and worse too.  We have told you there is hope to free yourself from this prison and yet you wont open your mind to anything we say.  Its frustrating James cuz you keep living like this and you dont have too.  You always talk about kim and how much you love her, if you dont do something about those demons that live within you she will be a widow and your children will be fatherless.  Bottom line here my friend, either you get help and take charge of your life or you continue on the path you are taking now and you and i both know where that is going......Its do or die James.......make the right choice.  You are so worth it.    sara

[sweatinit]

Hey james, wow...I am so impressed with your honesty here. That is hard to tell your spouse, let alone everyone on this forum. Kudos to you!
I can so relate to your experience. I too was abused, not by one person, but by many. It left me with a crushed spirit for years. I fight those memories often and at times get really mad at God for allowing that to happen to me. Here's the thing though, I made the decision that I was not going to let that abuse define who I am. It took some time and I believe that God helped me forgive these people; one of them being my grandfather. He let me see it for what it was; sickness, just like drug abuse.
I only share this with you because once I forgave them, it really did set me free. When I think of how God has forgiven me for all of the mess ups in my life and how I have wronged other people, I have no choice but to forgive others. If I don’t forgive, then I am a prisoner to them and the shame that abuse brings.
I will pray for you, my friend. No one should ever have to endure the things we endured. We can and have the power to use evil for good. We never know how our experiences will help someone else.
Kim sounds like an amazing woman. You are so blessed to have her! Hang in there and please stop beating yourself up. You have so much to offer your family and this forum. Much love to guys!! xxoo

[narla]

I feel and know your pain,I'm sorry you found counselling too hard it took me 3 times over 40 yrs before I could be honest with myself and a counsellor.Don't give up Kims there to help you yes counselling brings back the nightmare but you have to work through it.Giving up is never the answer with Kims help you can do it.I cry because I know your pain.just keep trying you will get there.  Denise