Aa
ok this is for the newbies
I wont go into great details, as it is quite long. I will try and keep it short and sweet.
Hi, my name is Carrie, I am an addict and I'm in recovery, 9 months this coming friday. Here is a bit of my story.
The only way I get better is to help those where I was not to long ago. Take what you need from it and keep going.
First off recovery isnt a game we play, its life. Constant, always there and it doesnt go away unless you let it. You are not alone, never have been and you arent now. We are kindred spirits. You are my brothers and sisters, we are family, no matter where you are in addiction, I am proud that you are my family. I love you all dearly. Without some of you and your incredible posts, I'd probably still be using. Many thanks. You know who you are.
I've always used something to get high with since I was 14.(I'm 38 now) It was the "cool" thing to do. I smoked weed and took speed. Never thought about pain pills. I took speed until I was 16 and weighed 72lbs at the end of it. I got off of that on my own but kept on smoking. After the speed episode, I got pregnant twice, had two great kids, buckled down for the long haul. Divorced twice, moved in with mom, started over. I met a man when I was 33, he was 28. I had a job, a nice car, paid for. When we met, I was smoking still, not as heavy but every now and then I did. He didnt use. He asked me to give it up and after 20 years of smoking I gave it up cold turkey for him. A month later he started shooting heroin, OC's and dilaudid. I had no clue. After a year of chasing him and wondering what the heck was going on. I found him totally wasted and he confessed all. He said he would stop and I believed him. I was so niave. Eventually I got tired of fighting him and joined him.
I asked him to bring me what he was using, that I wanted to try it and if he didnt, I'd go find it myself. So, he brought it home to me. I did a quarter of a dilaudid and LOVED it. The race was on from there. I started out in the lead. Doing a bit here and a bit there and then BAM! I was hooked. Big time, completely hooked. I learned to inject myself because he got put in jail and I wasnt going to be sick. During that time I ran with a girl and I didnt know she had Hep C, so I shared my needle. Huge mistake, yes. Now I have hep C. Stupid me, didnt follow "junkie rules 101". Never share your rig. I wasnt just shooting dilaudid, I was shooting coke, crack, heroin, any and everything I could. Hey why not? I didnt have much of nothing left but a "sick love". Worked for me then.
I was falling behind in the race. I lost my job, he destroyed my car. I've destroyed my life. I am not laying blame on him. This was all my doing. I loved him with my whole being and we stuck together..junkies paradise. I have been to jail 16 times and have a pending felony. So, tasc here I come. I tested dirty and then clean for 88 days. I no longer have custody of my youngest daughter who is now 16. The other is 20. I was gone for 3 years drugging it up, being selfish. I got tired of waking up sick and withdrawing every morning, so I got the idea I would go to detox. I've been twice. The first time lasted 3 days, thats where I found out I had HEP C. The second time I went to detox I was at my wits end. I went for 10 days, got clean. I left the hospital and went straight to a 28 day rehab. I became a "text book junkie". I went to court the day I got released from rehab. Signed papers that said I would report once a month for drug testing, I would be done in 6 months. NO more court. Except for one thing. I wasnt ready to stop using.
That mentality led me to homelessness, living in crackville in an abandoned home. I no longer was shooting drugs because I couldnt find a vein. I had none in my arms, hands, feet, ankels and legs. They were all gone. POOF. So, I started smoking crack. That worked for me and my fellow. Neither of us could find veins. I did that for a few months. Stealing, begging, borrowing, everything except selling my body, which both of us agreed I wouldnt do. He did odd jobs, hustled money. Whatever it took. Some days we ate, somedays we didnt, but we were always high. We both ended up going to jail and they let me out before him and I was on the streets, by myself in crackville. My family had washed their hands of me. Cant say I blame them, I wouldnt want me around either. But he was still locked up and got out 3 weeks after I did. I walked 8 miles to the jail with just 3 bucks, a rock and a pipe. I had my man covered when he got out. I could have taken the bus but I wanted us both to get back to the house. Bus fare is 1.25 for one way per person. So, I walked there. I was there for 8 hours waiting on him to get released. I didnt touch his surprise, I didnt eat with the 3 bucks. It was hard, but I was in love. Amazing I know. Stupid more like it. At that time I weighed a whopping 82lbs.
He was out for 24 hours and it all crumbled. He got high and drunk. I dont drink. Weird that. Truth though. We got in a huge fight because I wouldnt give him the pipe and he walked home. See he wasnt homeless, he was on the streets with me because I had no where to go. Shelters had to many rules. Screw that. He walked out on me, I felt betrayed. It was the best thing he could have ever done for me.
The next day, I sucked it up, put on my big girl panties and called home. They let me come home. That was september 5th of 2008. My fellow and I are no longer together. Thats a good thing. He still uses, no matter how much I beg and talk to him about it, he wont stop. His choice, I made mine.
I wont pretend it was a walk in the park but after I've survived all of what I just told you, getting clean and staying that way should be a breeze. Sometimes it is, other times it isnt. I still think of getting high everyday, but I dont act on that impulse, I think of all the wrong it has caused me, all the things I've lost and can never have back. All I can do is remain clean and do what I know is right. Thats whats important. I dont stay clean for anyone but ME. Do what you have to for you, no one else.
It does get easier with time, I dont dwell on it as much. I have my family back. Nothing is forgotten but it is forgiven. I've forgiven myself for being stupid for those 3 years and thats important. It may even be a key in recovery. Self healing. I hope this helps someone and didnt bore you to tears. Good luck in any and everything you do in life.
Peace and Love,
Carrie
Hi, my name is Carrie, I am an addict and I'm in recovery, 9 months this coming friday. Here is a bit of my story.
The only way I get better is to help those where I was not to long ago. Take what you need from it and keep going.
First off recovery isnt a game we play, its life. Constant, always there and it doesnt go away unless you let it. You are not alone, never have been and you arent now. We are kindred spirits. You are my brothers and sisters, we are family, no matter where you are in addiction, I am proud that you are my family. I love you all dearly. Without some of you and your incredible posts, I'd probably still be using. Many thanks. You know who you are.
I've always used something to get high with since I was 14.(I'm 38 now) It was the "cool" thing to do. I smoked weed and took speed. Never thought about pain pills. I took speed until I was 16 and weighed 72lbs at the end of it. I got off of that on my own but kept on smoking. After the speed episode, I got pregnant twice, had two great kids, buckled down for the long haul. Divorced twice, moved in with mom, started over. I met a man when I was 33, he was 28. I had a job, a nice car, paid for. When we met, I was smoking still, not as heavy but every now and then I did. He didnt use. He asked me to give it up and after 20 years of smoking I gave it up cold turkey for him. A month later he started shooting heroin, OC's and dilaudid. I had no clue. After a year of chasing him and wondering what the heck was going on. I found him totally wasted and he confessed all. He said he would stop and I believed him. I was so niave. Eventually I got tired of fighting him and joined him.
I asked him to bring me what he was using, that I wanted to try it and if he didnt, I'd go find it myself. So, he brought it home to me. I did a quarter of a dilaudid and LOVED it. The race was on from there. I started out in the lead. Doing a bit here and a bit there and then BAM! I was hooked. Big time, completely hooked. I learned to inject myself because he got put in jail and I wasnt going to be sick. During that time I ran with a girl and I didnt know she had Hep C, so I shared my needle. Huge mistake, yes. Now I have hep C. Stupid me, didnt follow "junkie rules 101". Never share your rig. I wasnt just shooting dilaudid, I was shooting coke, crack, heroin, any and everything I could. Hey why not? I didnt have much of nothing left but a "sick love". Worked for me then.
I was falling behind in the race. I lost my job, he destroyed my car. I've destroyed my life. I am not laying blame on him. This was all my doing. I loved him with my whole being and we stuck together..junkies paradise. I have been to jail 16 times and have a pending felony. So, tasc here I come. I tested dirty and then clean for 88 days. I no longer have custody of my youngest daughter who is now 16. The other is 20. I was gone for 3 years drugging it up, being selfish. I got tired of waking up sick and withdrawing every morning, so I got the idea I would go to detox. I've been twice. The first time lasted 3 days, thats where I found out I had HEP C. The second time I went to detox I was at my wits end. I went for 10 days, got clean. I left the hospital and went straight to a 28 day rehab. I became a "text book junkie". I went to court the day I got released from rehab. Signed papers that said I would report once a month for drug testing, I would be done in 6 months. NO more court. Except for one thing. I wasnt ready to stop using.
That mentality led me to homelessness, living in crackville in an abandoned home. I no longer was shooting drugs because I couldnt find a vein. I had none in my arms, hands, feet, ankels and legs. They were all gone. POOF. So, I started smoking crack. That worked for me and my fellow. Neither of us could find veins. I did that for a few months. Stealing, begging, borrowing, everything except selling my body, which both of us agreed I wouldnt do. He did odd jobs, hustled money. Whatever it took. Some days we ate, somedays we didnt, but we were always high. We both ended up going to jail and they let me out before him and I was on the streets, by myself in crackville. My family had washed their hands of me. Cant say I blame them, I wouldnt want me around either. But he was still locked up and got out 3 weeks after I did. I walked 8 miles to the jail with just 3 bucks, a rock and a pipe. I had my man covered when he got out. I could have taken the bus but I wanted us both to get back to the house. Bus fare is 1.25 for one way per person. So, I walked there. I was there for 8 hours waiting on him to get released. I didnt touch his surprise, I didnt eat with the 3 bucks. It was hard, but I was in love. Amazing I know. Stupid more like it. At that time I weighed a whopping 82lbs.
He was out for 24 hours and it all crumbled. He got high and drunk. I dont drink. Weird that. Truth though. We got in a huge fight because I wouldnt give him the pipe and he walked home. See he wasnt homeless, he was on the streets with me because I had no where to go. Shelters had to many rules. Screw that. He walked out on me, I felt betrayed. It was the best thing he could have ever done for me.
The next day, I sucked it up, put on my big girl panties and called home. They let me come home. That was september 5th of 2008. My fellow and I are no longer together. Thats a good thing. He still uses, no matter how much I beg and talk to him about it, he wont stop. His choice, I made mine.
I wont pretend it was a walk in the park but after I've survived all of what I just told you, getting clean and staying that way should be a breeze. Sometimes it is, other times it isnt. I still think of getting high everyday, but I dont act on that impulse, I think of all the wrong it has caused me, all the things I've lost and can never have back. All I can do is remain clean and do what I know is right. Thats whats important. I dont stay clean for anyone but ME. Do what you have to for you, no one else.
It does get easier with time, I dont dwell on it as much. I have my family back. Nothing is forgotten but it is forgiven. I've forgiven myself for being stupid for those 3 years and thats important. It may even be a key in recovery. Self healing. I hope this helps someone and didnt bore you to tears. Good luck in any and everything you do in life.
Peace and Love,
Carrie
Dont we need go wish you "Happy Birthday!" very soon, Carr?
Lets just say HAPPY BIRTHDAY !! Somehow I can see you working with people that you can relate to........ eagle
Lets just say HAPPY BIRTHDAY !! Somehow I can see you working with people that you can relate to........ eagle
WOW you are a true inspiration really really really!!!, from now on when ever I feel sorry for my self or I can't get out of something or just need a kick in my a**** I will read your story again and again WOW.
And at the same time sorry for not offer you my help as far as advise or anything like that cause OMG you been through so much.
Sorry I'm crying and confused and inspired by you.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND CONGRATS ON YOU YEAR SOON TO BE ANNIVERSARY!!!
And at the same time sorry for not offer you my help as far as advise or anything like that cause OMG you been through so much.
Sorry I'm crying and confused and inspired by you.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND CONGRATS ON YOU YEAR SOON TO BE ANNIVERSARY!!!
Thank you for your kind words. Your storys and kind words give me inspiration to keep on keeping on. I have 3 days to go and I will be 1 year clean. In all honesty, I didnt think I would make it. One of my reasons that I am clean is I did change the people I played with, the playground I played on and the things that I played with. I think for me that was one of the key factors. When I was in rehab they kept saying that to me over and over. Of course I KNEW everything back then so when my stay was over I didnt take their advice and change those 3 things and guess what happened? Yep, I relapsed. But in all actuality I knew I wasnt ready to stop using. The key factor in eventually coming to the conclusion that it was imperative for self preservation was I was simply tired of it all. Not the so tired I want to die. Just tired of playing the game of addiction. I was tired of being physically hungry for food. It's a shame people will throw you a fix here and one there and not offer you a meal. That was my turning point. I'm sure other factors played into it but thats what I remember most.
Having said all of that. Here I am today, 3 days from being clean a whole year. I've had one relationship that lasted 3 months. Live and learn. I learned that. through experience that leave relationships alone and work on yourself. When he ended it through no fault of my own, I was back to "stinkin thinkin". I just didnt act on my impulses. Thank God for that. I still have legal issue I have to deal with, but have repaired and still continue to repair relationships with my two daughters and mother. My mother now trusts me with her bank card and her car. I have learned that the way I feel when I wake up and take mental stock of myself that this is "normal". Even though I dont always feel it. I am more humble now as a human than I have ever thought possible, I dont expect it and dont act like its all about me anymore. I am not employed because I cant find a job. But I will be starting school next spring for a 2 year degree in "social work". I think my experiences and my heart will help me to excel in that field. I want to work with addicts. People I can relate too.
I still take it one day at a time. That works for me. Oh and music. Music is a healer for me. I'm not sure what else there is to say and surly as I'm sitting here looking at the computer screen as soon as I click "post comment" 50 other things will come to mind I could add to this..haha!
Peace n Love to you my brothers and sisters in addiction.
Carrie
Having said all of that. Here I am today, 3 days from being clean a whole year. I've had one relationship that lasted 3 months. Live and learn. I learned that. through experience that leave relationships alone and work on yourself. When he ended it through no fault of my own, I was back to "stinkin thinkin". I just didnt act on my impulses. Thank God for that. I still have legal issue I have to deal with, but have repaired and still continue to repair relationships with my two daughters and mother. My mother now trusts me with her bank card and her car. I have learned that the way I feel when I wake up and take mental stock of myself that this is "normal". Even though I dont always feel it. I am more humble now as a human than I have ever thought possible, I dont expect it and dont act like its all about me anymore. I am not employed because I cant find a job. But I will be starting school next spring for a 2 year degree in "social work". I think my experiences and my heart will help me to excel in that field. I want to work with addicts. People I can relate too.
I still take it one day at a time. That works for me. Oh and music. Music is a healer for me. I'm not sure what else there is to say and surly as I'm sitting here looking at the computer screen as soon as I click "post comment" 50 other things will come to mind I could add to this..haha!
Peace n Love to you my brothers and sisters in addiction.
Carrie
Yours is an inspiring story. It shows that no matter how low you go you can always come back. Thanks for sharing. Oh by the way I think I got taken on the parking lot gig the other day from some guy that I tried to help. He said he locked his keys in his car so I gave him a few bucks and then he went and got in a car and pulled off. I did the right thing, he didn't.
what an inspirational story!! I have 89 days clean today off H and I'm happy to hear sm 1 say it get's a little easier!! I almost feel like I'm on "cruise control' and that may be dangerous but your proof that if we just keep doing the next right thing days accumulate and b4 we know it 30days 60 days 1year!! Thanks for your well written story of experience , strenght & hope!!!
Thank you so much for sharing your amazing story. I'm in contact with s/o on here that you gonna help a lot with this.
xoxoxo. sophie.
xoxoxo. sophie.
yes, if one person is helped its a win!!!! and yes, he still does the parking lot scheme and how dumb was i to walk to the JAIL with dope on me....all i can say is i was ballsy...lmao at it now....coming up on the year mark September 5th is my birthday...thanks for being there for me...xxxxxxxxxxx
carrie
carrie
Carrie - - - I think that i have been around since day one with you - - Do ya still remember "the parking lot scham?" I sitll laugh over that one.........and walking to jail with surprise for your man! - - He was truly more luck than he understood. And the way that you share your story should help many for a long, long, time..................you also know that I have a story or two myself.......................................I tell those stories for the same reason that you tell yours..........if wwe an help even one person - - its a win!!! eagle
Ever thought about writing a book or submitting to a film department? PM me if you'd like. My daughter is graduating in film art and has already written and produced 3, and 3 other films by other writers. One of which got the audience pick award.
It's quite moving. And a movie that i saw (hate that I can't remember the title) is what helped me make up my mind.
It's quite moving. And a movie that i saw (hate that I can't remember the title) is what helped me make up my mind.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Today is my first day sober in a long time from oxycontin, and I'm going to my first NA meeting and I'm scared as hell. I feel so alone, because I can't share this with anyone. I've got an hour and a half before I go, and I'm already crying, scared that they will all judge me...but reading this post made me feel like there are people that want to help...And even if this meeting I go to doesn't help me, I will try another, because there has to be somewhere I can feel safe and not alone in my recovery. I've suffered too long with no money, terrified of the withdrawals, lying to my parents and friends...It's time to take the "Big Girl" step and make it through the withdrawals and change my life.
Thank you for your story...it really gives me hope.
Thank you for your story...it really gives me hope.
Recovery takes time and any one of you can also have a life void of drug abuse. I will not promise you it will be easy. But I can tell you some of the most difficult tasks yield the best results. My advice for the newbies is to not compare yourself to anybody in recovery or any other aspect of your life. What you have done is the past is history and what you will do in the future is dependent on what you do RIGHT NOW. That should be your sole purpose: right now. This moment, this day, this breath you are breathing, and this post you are reading. If you're stuck in yesterday, or worrying about tomorrow, you aren't recovery TODAY.
Obsessive thoughts will leave, I can promise you that will every inch of my being. However I can not promise you when they will leave. Sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but they will leave.
Don't set yourself up, create a network of support for when you will feel weak. Somebody that can understand you and help you when you are feeling vulnerable to your addiction. The internet can be one spoke of that wheel, but I'd also reach out to others in meetings, get phone numbers.
H.A.L.T. = Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Big triggers to go back out. If you feel weak, ask yourself which one of these you are feeling and address it.
If you can't do it one day at a time, do it an hour at a time. That's what I did off an on for the first week so many years ago. I had fifteen minute increments where I sat on my hands taking deep breaths, and worked through it.
NEVER FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF. EVER.
Try and eat five small meals a day with protein and a carb. Drinks as much water as you can. Avoid caffeine at all costs. Go for walks, even if they are short and slow. If you find yourself freaking out, change your environment, go outside, come inside etc.
If you slip (this is a dangerous comment, because the addict will often see it as a green light to slip) don't beat yourself up over it. Start again and assess why you slipped. Were you being honest with yourself? Did you have a support group at hand? Were you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Consumed with Self?
It will not be easy, but it can be done. The most important aspect is you and your ability to be honest with yourself. To thy own self be true.
You don't have to do it anymore.
Good luck.
Obsessive thoughts will leave, I can promise you that will every inch of my being. However I can not promise you when they will leave. Sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but they will leave.
Don't set yourself up, create a network of support for when you will feel weak. Somebody that can understand you and help you when you are feeling vulnerable to your addiction. The internet can be one spoke of that wheel, but I'd also reach out to others in meetings, get phone numbers.
H.A.L.T. = Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Big triggers to go back out. If you feel weak, ask yourself which one of these you are feeling and address it.
If you can't do it one day at a time, do it an hour at a time. That's what I did off an on for the first week so many years ago. I had fifteen minute increments where I sat on my hands taking deep breaths, and worked through it.
NEVER FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF. EVER.
Try and eat five small meals a day with protein and a carb. Drinks as much water as you can. Avoid caffeine at all costs. Go for walks, even if they are short and slow. If you find yourself freaking out, change your environment, go outside, come inside etc.
If you slip (this is a dangerous comment, because the addict will often see it as a green light to slip) don't beat yourself up over it. Start again and assess why you slipped. Were you being honest with yourself? Did you have a support group at hand? Were you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Consumed with Self?
It will not be easy, but it can be done. The most important aspect is you and your ability to be honest with yourself. To thy own self be true.
You don't have to do it anymore.
Good luck.
I am on day 15 off being clean off pills. What a great story. You are so strong, I really admire you for what you are doing. You give me hope, when you said that it gets easier with time...I REALLY needed to hear that and will use that when those obsessive thoughts feel like they are never going to leave.
Kat
Kat
thanks Carrie,
i am 1 day clean after 5 years of using hydrocodone. Definitely scared, but if you can do it so can i, right? God Bless you
thanks again
L.
i am 1 day clean after 5 years of using hydrocodone. Definitely scared, but if you can do it so can i, right? God Bless you
thanks again
L.
Hi Carrie: Wow, thanks so much for sharing your story. You are an inspiration to me; you have such courage and strength..... Bless you and keep up the great work. You are an incredible woman; to have gone through all that in only 3 years and be able to come back like you have is amazing…. There must be a God.
Thanks for posting it again....I can still remember some of those times, where you were just stuck...Now you are an inspiration to all of us....hugs
r2r
r2r
Hi, I just read your post and I am in awe. Part of me is digusted by myself that I cannot quit using six little hydors each day and you have recovered from soooo much more. Your post was very inspiring to me and I am glad you are doing so well. Isn't is funny that no matter what happens, who we love, our family is always there for us and I am glad thery were their to support you. I also think that we have to come to terms as addicts the people we have hurt while using but the main thing is we have to learn to forgive ourselves. We are all good people even if now and then we have a little blip on the radar of life. Best of luck to you and thank you again for the inspiring post! Dianne
Thank you for sharing this. It's an incredible story and so uplifting to see how far you have come and changes you've been able to make in your life. I continue to be in awe all the time from the strength I see in people on this forum. Congrats to you and stay the course.
It is 1:45 in the am here and I need to get up in the am for work, but I cannot sleep. I was watching a really bad movie and decided to come on line. I saw this post. There are no coincidences.
This is no doubt one of the most touching posts I have ever read here. I cannot tell you what you did for me, nor can I thank you enough.
I am grateful and I thank you. Keep up the good work and thank you!!! Me and my goose bumps will sleep tonight for sure.
This is no doubt one of the most touching posts I have ever read here. I cannot tell you what you did for me, nor can I thank you enough.
I am grateful and I thank you. Keep up the good work and thank you!!! Me and my goose bumps will sleep tonight for sure.
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