should I divorce

Question

My husband is addicted to pain pills, has lied our entire marriage. 15 years now. I have held out hope. Has lost 3 jobs because of this. Spends crazy amounts of money. Doesn't even have a job. Charges on credit cards cash advance, is in overdraft! Takes out student loans. Please help..

ginger328 · Answer

I did call probation last May. They said they would put him in treatment. They kept him a a Dayton Jail for 6 days. I guess since he didnt have any ins they didnt want to help after all. It's a cult thing this pill use. There's alot of it going on. I just came from my lawyers and he has a client who works everyday, like me, and she goes home at night and shoots herself up.................Friggin Gross

LIZZIE LOU · Answer

aaawwwhhh sweetie...i am soooooo sorry that you are having to live like this :(   you dont have to, ya know?

one thing that us non addicts think is that we can "love them straight".  we cant!!!!  no amount of love will change him unless he decides that he wants to stop...and it doesnt sound like he is ready to do that.

i know that someone suggested that you try and get him on this site.  is that possible?  sometimes...just reading and being able to identify with others in the same boat...has a positive influence on making someone make the decision to at least try.

i know how tired you must be of living like this.  i feel your frustration and hopelessness.  one thing that i suggest you do is to find an alanon meeting.  this is a place where you can get some wonderful support and learn exactly how you might be enabling his addiction.  i'm not trying to run you off...just putting out other options as well as this site.  

i am surprised his probation officer hasnt put him back in jail...he has to have failed his pee test by now.  if i were you...i would talk to her/him.  jail might not be a bad thing right now.  i've done this myself a few times...

ginger328 · Answer

This has been an eye opener. Just to tell my story (theres so much more) as with anyone dealing with these issues. Listen, I don't know how to tell each one of you that took an interest how deeply grateful I am. I hope he finishes engneering school(he lost RN license).They said he took meds out of pixel, of course he swears he didnt do it (this time), no matter did it or not too much and his situation put him there to be watched. I hope he becomes a productive member of society. No shame in trying to save my family unity. But now I read back everything.....it helps.....I should have shame if I continue to enable him to beat me down mentally and it becomes o-s0 phisically too. Yeah I think I got a different job because office manager knew about my husbands problem. After he overdosed last Easter.I found 10 OXY's in his pocket 3 weeks later. He was so geeked he didnt even realized he had walked over to the jacket pocket he hid them in to see if they were safe and sound. I flushed them, at the advice of his probation officer and he called me all day saying I need to come home quickly. I thought he had injured our family dog.he knows the love I have for my dog...... His probation officer and I planned for me to take him to a meeting and she would have police pick him up for a violation and put him in treatment, they didnt the kept him 6 days and I had to pick him up, his dad wouldn't.That is how scary that day was for me thought my heart going to explde from fear and just quit from heartache and betrayl. Sorry for miss spelled words.Wow just started this as a big thank you and the flood gates open in my mind....I am so glad I came to this site by total accident! Yes I felt like a babysitter to him. And as soon as I would return to work, come home and there he'd sit, pin-point-pupils, glassy eyed, red eyed after he had taken like 8 lomotils(they r morphin based I later find out). 

Ginger

spacecadette · Answer

I know it's extremely tough...., but I also know that if my family had given up on me, I wouldn't be here.  A family friend of ours had a son who had a heroin addiction.  He broke into his parents house dozens of times, punched his dad once, and went to rehab 12 different times.  THey ended up selling their house to try and save him.  He is now an engineer and has been clean 5 years, getting married in june.  Before that he didn't even have a highschool diploma. I know that you are going through a lot.  But sometimes, when people keep telling you that you can't do something, you'd  kind of like to try it.

allaboutmary · Answer

So sorry, this is such a difficult time. You have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your child. Can you print some information about Suboxone and leave it where your husband will find it. So many of us addicts feel trapped in this addiction with no way out. Suboxone would probably be a good choice for him. It might not save your marraige but when he's ready he can look into it. Best wishes.   Mary

ginger328 · Answer

Someone wrote "is the thought of starting over harder"? Thank you GoingtoMaklet! That is exactly it. Pretty pathetic I know. Yes my daughter knows and I keep referring to his problem as he" takes too much blood pressure med." This is to keep her from spilling the beans to him that I have told. He may become violent (maybe not if no alchol) and desperate if he feels he has lost the very last thing. I just don't know him. Even the pets have turned to me and I see the hurt in him. He clings to our Pomeranin like it's his only friend.So many stories and reading back just the little I've wrote keeps me going. I am so thankful I happened on this site. You all just don't know how much you have given me. Everyone has a story I know..P.S. I faxed papers to my lawyer yesterday and our pet rat is dieing and watching him try to comfort my daughter made me want to call it off....We have talked.    I have sreamed, cried, laughed, joined a church, called the pharmacies(OMG there are many), called the doctors. Tried to be tough, tried to be sweet. Tried Love and Hate. Heres something that will blow u away, even tried not making myself pretty for him anymore so he'd leave so I wouldnt have to pay for a divorce.  I took my inheritance(dad died) and paid the $20,000 against our house he borrowed and the rest paid on principle balance to my home. He has sold 3 cars, cashed in 23,000 IRA, Lots of credit card debt prob 40k and is back up to 23k in debt again.....Ya think I should proceed w divorce?.......Just read back what I wrote thought I'd lighten the mood.

LONESOME · Answer

I'm sure that you have already giving him too many chances already right? and he is good for a few days the most a week then again right? so then you have to think about your daughther she is in a though in enough age and she really needs you to be there for her, that she know about his addictions? and if she does what does she think of it? does she want you to leave him? and if the answer is yes the you know what you have to do. He is not there for her even if you think he is a "good dad" why cause he listens to her, plays with her, is "there for her" yeah right while you work your *** of and you are to tired and estressed out about how the h**** you are going to get thru the next pay check.
Sorry if I put it that way but think about you and her please.
Sorry that you are going thru that but he has a problem not you and I don't see him posting here yet or is HE?
GS

spacecadette · Answer

Example has more followers than reason.  Don't give up on him.  You can't fail if you never give up.  All the best.

GoingToMakeIt · Answer

What to say? Do you want to stay with him, really? Or is the thought of starting over harder? I agree with hops on this. You need to confront him either way. 
     A good suggestion is to get him on this forum. One of the big things that holds an addict back is feeling hopeless to beat the addiction. Also you feel like no one can possibly understand. When you see the support and non-nonjudgmental attitude here it starts that seed of hope.

dove3053 · Answer

15 years is a long time to invest in anything. Sounds like your unhappy and you don't think things will change, so I say a divorce may be the way to go. I was married to a man with similar problems and things just got worse and I got out and now I'm happy. It's very stressful to live under the conditions your living under. After 15 years I think you deserve a little more from life than what your getting. Whatever you do I wish you the best.

Dove

sadinmichigan · Answer

I'm so sorry..i can relate to the whole being lied to most of my marraige..it's actually a very similar situation with my husband..Maybe leaving him will wake him up a bit. he still has to want it.it doesn't mean you have to get divorced but maybe legally seperated with him knowing exactly where you stand..but be prepared that he may not respond at all and just continue to use ,lie etc.. and he is neglecting his family..be strong. i know it's tough..you will be in my thoughts..

hopsing94 · Answer

Hey I understand what you are going through as my wife has gone through this with me. First let me say if he does'nt want to change you have to leave. He has got to be miserable and my even feel as if there is no hope. There is hope and it can be stopped but treatment is the only way. You have to confront him and find out if he wants to stop. 
If he does you may still need to leave him until he does and proves it to you.

worried878 · Answer

I am sorry for your predicament...leaving someone in your life and moving on is hard no matter how bad they may be...my x was not an abuser but a cheater...took me 2 years to leave him...then i coped with it by using later on...take care of yourself and your child if he does not want to lead a life of growth with yall....life is short and happiness is here if we can free ourselves up to find it

LIZZIE LOU · Answer

hey...i USED to want to blame the dealers too...wanted to hunt them all down...line them up...kind of "firing squad" style. your husband is choosing to continue his abuse and not seek help. addiction is not a choice...continuing the abuse is!!!!!!

ginger328 · Answer

Thank you all. I have no one else to talk. No one wants to hear anymore and I do nothing. After all this I think I have it fig out if someone can point me in the right direction. When he is in bed, I think he is having withdrawls! When he has diarehha I think he's out. And when he goes to church with us and talks alot I know he has taken something. I will have to believe he thinks he needs a pill to feel normal and function at all.So sad and scary. Seems to good to waste but enough is enough.

ginger328 · Answer

I know and you are right. It wasn't all that long ago, 1 1/2 ago I let him get pain pills from my mom (cancer patient) and here is the sick part, so he would finish the remodel on my living room! Which took 2 years to do. He has no motivation! He is in the bed right now. Hiding from my sad eyes cause he prob waiting for me to go to work so he can get more pills.I wish I knew the pig selling them to him! Guess drug dealers don't care the devastation it causes.

Chi_Chi_Lover · Answer

As a person that was on the other side of this...if I had not be willing to stop and change my ways then it would have crazy for my husband to enable me any longer. If your husband is not wanting to change and make a better life for himself then take your daughter and move on. You can't let him drain you of everything.

LIZZIE LOU · Answer

be careful not to enable his addiction...meaning that you are allowing his use to continue and affect your and your daughter's life.  your staying and putting up with it...is telling him that it is ok...that is the addict's way of looking at it.

ginger328 · Answer

I didnt know about pills. We both drank when we met. We quit. I went to dental tech school and had our child( at 31). Noticed all pain pills gone, for my C-section. Then more and more ugliness followed. It has never ceased and I am hating myself for no back bone or courage to end it. I am so tierd of playing detective and I am now aware of what a panic attack is. I told my daughter "daddy has a problem with his blood pressure meds". I know I shouldn't have said anything but I tried to tell myself at least I didn't tell her--Percocet-Lomotils-Oxy. He takes MANY per day! And I find out after he overdosed, once 10 yrs ago, and again last April, he has had this prob his whole life, since teen. He spends and spends and lottery, well that is another one. Just want to say I love him but tierd of being weary.