I just dont know anymore, no hope no life

[IWANTMYLIFEBACK3]

Hello, I am a 30 year old woman with 3 beautiful daughters. I have been addicited to vicidon for 13 years due to a medical condition called Hidradentist Suppurativa. I get really bad boils and i have had 19 surgeries and still counting. Some days are good and some days are bad but for the most part when i dont have pills everyday is bad. When i was given this medication at 17 years old the doctors never told me it was addictive, had i known i would have fought harder for something else. My family and both sides mom and dad have a strong history of some type of controlled substance. I often ask myself if the next pill i take, will it be the one to kill me or if i just stop taking them will i die that way???? Im scared to ask for help because of my daughters, they are so quick to put dcfs if your business, and if my daughters were to be taken away from me i would loose it cause they are all i have left. My mother was murdered 5 years ago and my use became really bad i never delt with it. I often can take anywhere from 10 to 30 pills a day depending on what i have. The more mg the less i take. I want off this medication so bad but i feel hopeless and nowhere to turn. I have told my doctors that i am addicted and they just write the rx anyway telling me there is nothing else they can give me for my pain. I dont know what else to do or where to go, i often wonder will i be around to see my daughters grow into beautiful women. There is not a day that goes by that i dont shed a tear cause my life went from sugga to ****. I havent been sober in 13 years and im only 30 i often wonder what it would feel like to be free of addiction. I know i cannot do it on my own the doctors tell me i can go into shock with out it cause my body depends on it but they wont offer no help. what do i do, i cant contuine to go on like this.

[Blackwolfsgirl]

I can completely relate to you. I was given narcotic pain pills at the age of 16 and am only 7 days clean at the age of 28. I would have never taken them if I knew what the risks and consequences were. You can go it too. Good luck and I am here for you. XOXO

[akitagurl12]

researching as much as u can will really help.  The explanation they gave u about your body going into shock doesn't sound right to me. I would get a new doctor and a second opinion.  I got up to 10 vicodin a day, and it would have been more if I didn't stop or had more money to throw away so I can totally see how that can happen.  Our tolerance for the drug keeps building and we need more and more of it.  plus it is easy to lose count of how many pills u take when u are high.  This is really taking a toll on your liver and mental health too & you are too young and have too much to live for to let this addiction take u down.  I am glad u found this site & hope u continue to post & read.  Your situation isn't hopeless, far from it.  As far as them taking your children away, I don't think they would do that if u go for help, but i could see why u would be worried about that, it your kids.  You took the first step-decided you have had enough.  Now it is just a matter of figuring out how you should go about detoxing and then learning new ways to cope with life sober.  And then finding a GOOD doctor to help u manage your pain.  The pain may not even be what u think it is because vicodin actually causes pain.  So I think once u get completely off it, (which i really think u will), you can determine how much pain u are actually in and go from there.  Hang in there, i promise u there is a way out of this and a much better life is waiting for u on the other side.    

[lulu747]

Hi Want,

You've been through an awful lot, and my heart goes out to you!  I hear that you are feeling trapped and want to be free, know that it IS a choice, that you deserve to be free and happy, and that it is possible!  
First things first, find a new doctor who works for YOU to support the best quality of life for YOU as possible.  This may take some time and work, but you are WORTH it!
Have you done any kind of therapy, grief support?  The loss of a parent is devastating, to lose one violently even more so.  You need a safe place to process these feelings.  Do you have a spouse?  Other family support?  You need to surround yourself with as much love as possible right now, and that begins with love for yourself.  Be proud of yourself for reaching out, it is a brave first step.

Sending support....
Lu

[Sonrissa]

Hi, and welcome to this wonderful place! If you really want your life back, the good news is that you can get it! You sure have gone through so much In your life! Please dont be afraid to ask for help, that what this site is all about! There are wonderful people here who can help you through this! How old are your daughters?  The first thing I would do is read everything you can on this site! There is so much information and advice on how to get started with this process! Do you work? It really sounds like you need to find a doctor that can give you different options to deal with your physical pain! You must be committed and strong to get through this! It sounds like your really want this and are ready! I just wanted to welcome you here and others will be along to give you more specific advice! For now just start reading as much as possible! There are lots of great success stories! Take care and I will say prayers for you! Be a little patient and you will get more replies and lots of support and help! Take care, it's gonna be OK!