so ashamed

[Shauna13]

Im still not sure if im getting this in the right spot but...i have been taking tramadol four over four years for acute,muscle spasms in my neck and shoulder. The last year or so i have been making excuses as to why i need my refil sooner; vacation,etc. The truth is i cant physically or mentally function without them. The dose is 200mg slow release but i dont remember the last time i actually swallowed one whole. I am a mom of an 18 yr old son and a 13 yr old daughter. I have a very loving supportive husband who would do anything for our family, he is such a hard worker...he works out of town through the week and most saturdays so we dont have alot of time together. My work has me working many weekends whuch makes it even more difficult. Thekids and i are very busy amd the thought of not taking my pills sends me into a depression, im certain i wont function. I do get down alot, as it is, bein on my own the majority of time, and count on my tramadol to pick me up. My husband has no idea of any of this, i know he would be supportive but i just cant....im so ashamed of myself. I dont remember what normal feels like. I am here hoping for support thrpugh this. I want to be a normal functioning person again. Last summer i got off them for just over a month. Why didnt i just keep going? I have a prescription for gabapentin....does anyone think this will help with th wd nerve pain. Today i have one 200mg slow release pill left.  Script cant be filled for ten days. Do i split it in four. Take it whole. Take none of it? Any help is so appreciated. I feel,like im on an island alone.

[Shauna13]

Btw i meant tylenol 2 lol...i think i only said 2...i do want to be done. Done for good. How can i be so smart yet so stupid? You think the seizure would have been enough????  Its like i feel like real me, not opiate me, isnt good enough. Does that make an ounce of sense?

[Shauna13]

Omg thank you so much...again im in tears lol. Your support means everything. I honestly havent looked into myself deep enough to understand my fears. I think the pills sort of prevent you from truly feeling much of anything.  I am most definitely afraid of the pain coming back, i am also scared i wont be able to accomplish as much and be in such an energetic mood without the pills. I mean obviously i was able to before i ever took these pilks, but i cant remember how that felt. I am definitely grateful to have found this site, and appreciate all support.  I want to be able to help someone as well, but right now i feel so selfish, look how many "I's" ive typed lol.
So i just now had my shower, have the day off....not feeling to bad....some sneezing, and coughing, and short of breath....weird. But knock on wood no spasms...yet. Not completely lethargic, but certainly not the tramadol energy im used to. I also have tomorrow off, and if i do feel worse i may be able to call off sunday.  Would love to be able to have a week or two off right now to get through this but thats not likely. Did you work while you went through your wd's?

Hugs, s

[bewitched_queen]

Sorry bama... I didn't see your post b4 I posted & definitly listen to bama, she's wise, loving, smart & an old soul :)  {{huggs bama}} lol

[bewitched_queen]

Aww Shauna. Listen to Margaret (snakejones) & littlebit & everyone here. We want to help you and will support you but only you can decide to stop. Really stop. Not WD for days until your script is filled & then start your hell back over again but truly stop. Do you want to live or die honey? It's really pretty simple as that. This is the chance you're taking. Of course you feel as if you can't live without them...we all did. You must have been scared & not wanted this addiction to continue. So fight it with everything you are. It really is a fight for your life Shauna.

[bama88]

hi shauna....the gabitrontin is helping with your withdrawls....it helps so i heard...so hopefully that will help ya out some. also get the stuff for the Thomas recipe. and the tylonal 2 will help some. i have no experience with tramadol. i do have knowledge of addiction and withdrawls....just insert oxycontin instead of your drug. and i know what its like to detox just to wait for another script. i will say its brutal on your body to wait for another script.. i did that for years. i was hooked on pain pills for 8 years. yikes...

i know your scared i was. what's your biggest fear? mine was ALL my pain would come back and then what...i also knew one day id have to stop. but how? i wrestled with those thoughts for so long i got burned out...and then i was burned out from detoxing withdrawing every month and surrendered to the pills....that's when the horror cranked up to a nightmare...instead of waiting it out i would go out and score more pills...15 bucks a pop..and then i lost my car...and that hurt. i walked in shame the last year of my addiction. ugh ...then i found this forum. and everyone helped me. total strangers helped save my life...i flushed all my pills on Nov15...i flushed a months pills away. then i got mad. went physco for a bit lol..but now im so much better...and now i can help you...i am extending my hand to help you stand up. brush away the dirt and support you..i may Say some things you don't want to hear...but i do it out of love. i want everyone to get clean answer stay clean....i will joke sometimes i will give cyber hugs...i will tell ya what i went thru...and am always around. i carry everyone around via my phone...and just had another surgery Feb 13 so i have alot of free time on my hands until march 22 when i go back to work...so until then im here 99% of my waking hours. other than physical therapy and other things. lol. sometimes i forget to log off..hence it appears im always on lol...and this place is where you need to be..if your addicted to any substance. and even if you go back on the tram...please stick around. it helps. it may save your soul too... happy to meet you...you have a friend in bama

[Shauna13]

Thank you for replying. I am terrified to tell anyone...maybe you said it best....if i tell then i really cant go back. I dont have wd symptoms too bad right now, just my eyes are blurry, my head is a little foggy, and im tired lol, but no rls...yet anyway. I have started sneezing however. I want to be off and stay off for good this time, i dont know if i should just continue now cus it has been more than 24 hours, or just cut up the last tram...stupid, right? I dont suppose taking a couple 2 would be ok? In place of the tramadol to help? I got severe wd symptoms last summer when i got off for a month, so i am definitley scared.