why do i get so aggravated at others when i fail?

[sway1]

i failed again recently at getting clean from opiates. i couldn't wait long enough for my energy to start coming back and was getting really angry at "normal" people just bouncing around like it was nothing. it's not their fault that i am this way. it's not their fault that i screwed up. i am just so disgusted with myself for being such a wimp. i could leap tall buildings to get my DOC. aaaarrrrgh!!!

[newgirl286]

I have been clean 6 days...  very tough to even imagine my life without vics...

[worried878]

how long have u been clean?  I remember when the wave of fatigue and loss of motivation hit me like a ton of brix..didnt think i would pull thru...i was jealous too so dont feel bad...i hated going to work and was envious of those who could stay in bed..i would see people smiling and laughing and wish i were happy...i would see couples walking by holding hands and be envious that i was not emotionally heallthy enuf to have a relationship...but it passes..all of this does..and u will feel good again..hang tight

[newgirl286]

I do agree about the hiding it.  For me having vic's and taking them whenever I wanted was power.  Each pill was power and when I'd get my script filled and have 120 pills on hand I felt that there was no limit to what I could do.  I'd take one when I woke up to get the energy to take my dog out, then one after breakfast, one after lunch, one for that mid afternoon boost and of course one to go out and then one last one after drinking thinking it'll help me sober up somehow...  Twisted thoughts.  But now I feel like I'm not hiding my addiction, I've told a few people but even now I'm still hesitant to share the degree of my addiction because I fear someday I will need the pills again. I don't have a job and haven't been able to really get out there since my grandmother passed 6 months ago.  I'm sure I used to get through the pain of losing her but now I can't get my life back.  I am giving myself till next week as long as I stay sober before I must find something.  And the worst part is that I can't help but have a bad attitude to my mom who's been so supportive of me, that's what makes me want to medicate more than anything.  Maybe tonight I will tell her how bad I am detoxing instead of having a different sickness every other day...  

[sway1]

thank you for your wisdom. now if i can apply the things that i KNOW on an intellectual level to my actions in my everyday life, maybe there's hope for me yet. sway

[corey411]

Hey, Keep on trying no matter what. It's not a failure until you stop trying. The sooner you get started again the better.

I also had a problem with getting angry at others when I relapsed. I even got mad at the people on this forum once. I went to NA meetings for 4 months and learned alot from the members there and this was common. I know for me I had problems with my perceptions and misplaced anger. Usually when we feel like cr@p we can find a reason and when we don't have our pills to numb us anymore we can percieve it as someone elses fault...or with me I percieved it as my job demanding too much from me. I really thought I hated my job and that was why I felt stressed and angry. We learn to see things as always happening to us because of outside things when it's really our addiction messing up our lives.They used to say at NA that we expect life to meet us on our terms and need to re-learn how to meet life on its terms again.

Best of luck in your recovery. Never give up. God bless. Corey

[sway1]

thanks for the feedback. i have been needing to do this for over 2 decades. i had 10 1\2 months back in '94 because i put myself in a rehab. i used almost immediately after i got out. i never thought i would until i did. it took a while to get this bad, but it's gotta end. i think part of me got addicted to the sneakiness that is involved in hiding addiction. it's ridiculous now cuz i don't think i'm fooling too many people now. i am getting rough around the edges and it shows. part of me doesn't want to be a normal citizen cuz it may be boring or something. is that goofy or what? anyway, thanks. i plan on coming here alot, HP willing. sway

[newgirl286]

You can start over at any moment as soon as you decide it's over.  I've been on them for back pain for about 5 years and this is my second try to stop this month.  I am on day 6 and I have a big bottle full of vic's 750's with one refill on the script.  I gave the bottle to my mom to hold last wednesday and haven't had one since.  I usually would do them till they were gone and then try to detox but by doing that you are actually making it harder to quite with every pill you take you make it that much more painful and difficult.  I've tried before but this time I realize if the withdrawals are this bad I must be doing serious damage to my body.  It's okay if you've failed, you can change with in the first minute you decide not to take them.  Also come back to this site and searching even older threads helps with pointers on getting over the worst of it.  Good luck and I hope you find your strength.

[Kova]

i can totally relate to what you are saying.   at least you are in company here that has been or is where you are!

Kova