Aa
Wife has taken new step into drinking
Ok, I thought I would post this here as most of the posts are old and just needed somewhere to talk. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and she has drank alot during the whole time we have been married, but never to the length of what it has become recently.
She only drinks wine and beer, but will never stop at just one drink, if the wine bottle opens the first glass will be a normal 8oz then the next is double, and the next the whole glass ( and this is not a small wine glass) until the bottle is gone. Beer is the same way, open one drink it, then the next time its 2 beers in one big glass, until its 7 - 8 in one sitting.
lately she has been buying 2 32oz beers on friday and drinking between the time she gets home 3pm and the time I get home 5- 5:30 then drinking 2 or 3 more. The reason I know what she has been doing is we have 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter who go with her everywhere, they tell me what she buys.
Over the last 2 weeks she has slowed down on the beer and wine, and she started carrying around a big jug called a "bubba keg" which hold almost 40 oz of liquid, she said she is trying to start drink more water and less soda, and she has clear liquid with ice in it.
Well I should have known that it was not just water, last night night I was looking for some cables in my wifes and my closet and found hidden, two vokda bottle, one empty and the other half empty. So this is her drinking more "water" it really scares me as this is a new step into drinking as she never touched hard liquor before. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listen
She only drinks wine and beer, but will never stop at just one drink, if the wine bottle opens the first glass will be a normal 8oz then the next is double, and the next the whole glass ( and this is not a small wine glass) until the bottle is gone. Beer is the same way, open one drink it, then the next time its 2 beers in one big glass, until its 7 - 8 in one sitting.
lately she has been buying 2 32oz beers on friday and drinking between the time she gets home 3pm and the time I get home 5- 5:30 then drinking 2 or 3 more. The reason I know what she has been doing is we have 12 year old son and 9 year old daughter who go with her everywhere, they tell me what she buys.
Over the last 2 weeks she has slowed down on the beer and wine, and she started carrying around a big jug called a "bubba keg" which hold almost 40 oz of liquid, she said she is trying to start drink more water and less soda, and she has clear liquid with ice in it.
Well I should have known that it was not just water, last night night I was looking for some cables in my wifes and my closet and found hidden, two vokda bottle, one empty and the other half empty. So this is her drinking more "water" it really scares me as this is a new step into drinking as she never touched hard liquor before. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listen
It sounds as addiction. Inability to stop after first drink... and lying, hiding so she could keep her drinking habits...
Google sings of alcoholism. There are three fazes: 1)drinking at parties 2)psychological addiction 3)physical damage.
Have you ever talked to her? How did she react? If she gets mad when you ask her, it is also one of the sings. Firstly, she needs to except the problem and admit it ti herself.
I suggest you to talk to her calmly. Explain your concerns. I guess her first reaction will be denying.
This is my idea: Then manipulate her somehow to search sings of alcoholism without telling her you already searched it. Try to tell her: "OK. Maybe I am overreacting but it would mean so much to me if you googled symptoms. Just to be sure". If she does that, it might prompt her to think and stay in her sub-conscience... That worked for me...
She needs to accept here situation and then go further.
Even though this is substance abuse community, some family experiences w/addiction are present. It might help you to see bigger picture...
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/Need-help/show/1525069?personal_page_id=2139402
Hope everything`s gonna be OK...
Google sings of alcoholism. There are three fazes: 1)drinking at parties 2)psychological addiction 3)physical damage.
Have you ever talked to her? How did she react? If she gets mad when you ask her, it is also one of the sings. Firstly, she needs to except the problem and admit it ti herself.
I suggest you to talk to her calmly. Explain your concerns. I guess her first reaction will be denying.
This is my idea: Then manipulate her somehow to search sings of alcoholism without telling her you already searched it. Try to tell her: "OK. Maybe I am overreacting but it would mean so much to me if you googled symptoms. Just to be sure". If she does that, it might prompt her to think and stay in her sub-conscience... That worked for me...
She needs to accept here situation and then go further.
Even though this is substance abuse community, some family experiences w/addiction are present. It might help you to see bigger picture...
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/Need-help/show/1525069?personal_page_id=2139402
Hope everything`s gonna be OK...
I sent you a message w/ist of alcoholism sings (it is in your medhelp inbox, link is near "Logout" on the top of the page in right corner)
I didn`t want to send me a last post, but to you - nitramroneedshelp. Sorry, i`m kind of impulsive...
Just an update came home tonight and a 1/4 bottle of Vodka gone. Anyone have a suggestion
She probably doesn`t see what she does to herself. She is not aware of the problem. And she needs to be. it`s a first step.
So, decide what`s best for you:
1. You can talk to her with a risk she will get mad and reject you and you will be fighting often, And it will be a misery for some time. But if you promt her to accept her problem, it will be worth of it. Or she will lie to you she quits and nothing will change, except she will not like you because you fuss about
"everything".
2. you can not to talk to her, let her ruin herself, but have a nice relationship with her on the surface-because alcohol can make her neglect you and kids. And let her be a bad example and tragical memory to your kids. After all, that`s her life and she makes decisions. That`s her right.
You can hide alcohol, you can do thousand things, but if she wants to drink, there is no help. Quitting can be only her fight.
That much of vodka is near 6 standard drinks... And that`s a lot. At least experts say so, even though for me that`s a normal quantity...
I`m sorry, but it`s the way it is... It is rad for you, so think about what you are going to do.
So, decide what`s best for you:
1. You can talk to her with a risk she will get mad and reject you and you will be fighting often, And it will be a misery for some time. But if you promt her to accept her problem, it will be worth of it. Or she will lie to you she quits and nothing will change, except she will not like you because you fuss about
"everything".
2. you can not to talk to her, let her ruin herself, but have a nice relationship with her on the surface-because alcohol can make her neglect you and kids. And let her be a bad example and tragical memory to your kids. After all, that`s her life and she makes decisions. That`s her right.
You can hide alcohol, you can do thousand things, but if she wants to drink, there is no help. Quitting can be only her fight.
That much of vodka is near 6 standard drinks... And that`s a lot. At least experts say so, even though for me that`s a normal quantity...
I`m sorry, but it`s the way it is... It is rad for you, so think about what you are going to do.
COMMUNITY LEADER
It is very obvious that ur wife has a serious drinking problem!how old r ur children?if she is not going to go for help than u need to go......I suggest u find some good al-anon meetings to go to......plus find a good licensed substance abuse counselor and get started!You have young children!does she drive drunk w/them in the car?
My children are 12 and 9, the older is very aware of what is going on, and yes I know she has driven drunk in the car with them, but does not seem to worry about it. The biggest problem I have with trying to get the children out of there is, there is no real proof, no DWI/DUI nothing that has caused legal issues, and its her word against mine, if I start divorce proceedings they kids will end up with her anyway, which is no better than whats going on right now. The way it is right now, I can at least protect them some.
I tried approce one from morethanvirus and it happened just like he said, so will be approach two from now on, and try to keep the kids as protected as possible.
Thanks for all the input, it does help talking about this finally
I tried approce one from morethanvirus and it happened just like he said, so will be approach two from now on, and try to keep the kids as protected as possible.
Thanks for all the input, it does help talking about this finally
Wow, you sure have allot going on there. I have allot of concerns about your wife’s heath. 15 years of drinking is a long time. Does she go for annual physicals? My biggest concerns of coarse are your children. They are growing up in an environment where there mom is drinking every minute they see her. I’m sure she loves them very much and you as well but she needs to realize how her drinking effects the entire family. Yourself included. I myself spent the last 20 years of my life drinking. I am 39. Last year I was diagnosed with end stage cirrhosis. How much longer are you going to wait to do something about this? The rest of the family is fully functional and her drinking is effecting it in so many different ways. She knows deep down inside that what she's doing is wrong, yet day after day you have stood by and allowed it to continue. Alcoholism is a very powerful disease. Think about it man, talk to her. She needs your help. If down the road she ends up in my shoes how are you going to feel having allowed this to continue. How difficult will it be for the kids? Show her Medhelp. Get her to a doctor for blood work. Get her to AA to get the extra help she needs. If you honestly didn't know these things then do as Ibizan suggested. I really really wish you and your family the best. God bless you
Randy
Randy
COMMUNITY LEADER
U can tell ur kids that do not have to get in the car w/mom when she's been drinking.....these kids r smart and they know whats going on!u r so right to protect them as a #1 priority until she removes the blinders 2 her alcoholism!gotta keep them safe!
Family members put so much time and energy into the alcoholic that you end up not taking care of you. It is time to let your wife continue to self destruct on her own and get yourself healthy. I know that sounds cruel but there is nothing you can do for her right now. She has to be the one to take the first step. I would highly recommend Alanon or some type of counseling for you and the children. This is affecting their lives more than you know. You have all learned coping skills and not all are healthy ones. Family members take the brunt of our addiction.
Is there someplace the kids can go when you arent home? If she is driving with them in the car drunk that is SO dangerous. If that was my wife or husband i would call the cops but that is just me. I wouldnt protect her anymore. I hope and pray she will end this insanity and get some help. Until that happens please look into some sort of help for the rest of you. You dont deserve this, what you do deserve is some peace in your life~~~sara
Is there someplace the kids can go when you arent home? If she is driving with them in the car drunk that is SO dangerous. If that was my wife or husband i would call the cops but that is just me. I wouldnt protect her anymore. I hope and pray she will end this insanity and get some help. Until that happens please look into some sort of help for the rest of you. You dont deserve this, what you do deserve is some peace in your life~~~sara
I agree with Ibizan, You should leave. But before that try to find some evidences, like bills which proves she buys alcohol often.
You are in tough situation, and it`s like you have to choose between your wife ad kids. You can help her, but only if she wants to get help. And if she doesn`t, it can leave permanent damage on your kids.
If you are willing to take a HUGE risk and stay with her,for now try not to push her to much with alcoholism theme because she could start drinking even more to run away from the fact she has a problem.
Wait few days, and then try to approach her supportive. She needs to know you are here for her and that you don`t judge her and stuff. You are just afraid of what might happen to her and your kids if she continues to drink.
Maybe you should ask her to stop drinking on one-three months and as an excuse, you can use you don`t want her to damage her liver and die, so it`s best for her to stop on one period of time. Just so that her liver can regenerate because you want to grow old with her. She probably won`t succeed. And that`s another prove.
You are in tough situation, and it`s like you have to choose between your wife ad kids. You can help her, but only if she wants to get help. And if she doesn`t, it can leave permanent damage on your kids.
If you are willing to take a HUGE risk and stay with her,for now try not to push her to much with alcoholism theme because she could start drinking even more to run away from the fact she has a problem.
Wait few days, and then try to approach her supportive. She needs to know you are here for her and that you don`t judge her and stuff. You are just afraid of what might happen to her and your kids if she continues to drink.
Maybe you should ask her to stop drinking on one-three months and as an excuse, you can use you don`t want her to damage her liver and die, so it`s best for her to stop on one period of time. Just so that her liver can regenerate because you want to grow old with her. She probably won`t succeed. And that`s another prove.
ibizan was talking about going to some sort of aftercare, not leaving her at this point. When she is ready to stop drinking she WILL succeed.
She said: "if she is not going to go for help than u need to go...". Never mind, i probably misunderstood.
But i do think he can leave.
It`s her life. She has a right do what she wants, and if nitramroneedshelp can`t accept her (i `m not saying that`s a good or bad thing), which is his right, and can`t enjoy his life because of her drinking, he should just go. Why should he waste his time on being worried all the time? I see it like that.
Marriage is a relationship of two. And both of them have to make some scarifies. And she doesn`t want to. Why should he? He doesn`t have to, but obviously he wants to do that because he loves her... It makes him loyal. He have a choice to stay or leave. It`s all i`m saying.
And yeah, she can stop, but who knows when she will be ready, but i hope it will happen soon... Because of kids and nitramroneedshelp...
But i do think he can leave.
It`s her life. She has a right do what she wants, and if nitramroneedshelp can`t accept her (i `m not saying that`s a good or bad thing), which is his right, and can`t enjoy his life because of her drinking, he should just go. Why should he waste his time on being worried all the time? I see it like that.
Marriage is a relationship of two. And both of them have to make some scarifies. And she doesn`t want to. Why should he? He doesn`t have to, but obviously he wants to do that because he loves her... It makes him loyal. He have a choice to stay or leave. It`s all i`m saying.
And yeah, she can stop, but who knows when she will be ready, but i hope it will happen soon... Because of kids and nitramroneedshelp...
COMMUNITY LEADER
What i said was for him to seek help via counseling al-anon and to do his best 2 keep his kids safe!We all know he's not going to desert her or leave ASAP....15 years married folks just don't up and do that even if they have grounds to...they stay and give it 150% effort...and if other 1/2 still doesn't budge....then there are many choices 2 b made!
To:ibizan
Yeah, I know he is not going to do that. But I want him to be aware of all options, because if you remember the situation w/Babygames... She was so bitter because of his alcoholic ex-husband...
To: nitramroneedshelp
Do you have some plan? What are you going to do?
Yeah, I know he is not going to do that. But I want him to be aware of all options, because if you remember the situation w/Babygames... She was so bitter because of his alcoholic ex-husband...
To: nitramroneedshelp
Do you have some plan? What are you going to do?
Well said Ibizan and when he speaks with her about this she will respond with first anger but eventually understanding. It takes a good person to stay in a marriage for 15 years raising two children and a job. Thats alot of stress day after day and year after year. Hang in there my new friend it's like I mentioned, she knows deep down she's not right. Just be ready to answer her questions such as "what does it hurt?" or "why is it now a problem?" The best time to approach her with your issue will be when she is not drinking. Be thoughtful and sensitive to her feelings but also be firm about the drinking.
rpooo made some good points...
I suggest you to keep talking to us... some of us(I don`t have so much experience, so I should say "them") have some ideas how to handle the situation...
And when your wife become aware of her problem, suggest her to post on MedHelp. It maybe doesn`t seem that way for her, but talking is really useful... She could get some good suggestions how to stay sober... And then tell her that`s not humiliating, because she will just share her experience with others who survived that...
Feel free to tell us what`s going on... We (I guess, or just I) would like to know how it`s going...
And I will PM you now...
I suggest you to keep talking to us... some of us(I don`t have so much experience, so I should say "them") have some ideas how to handle the situation...
And when your wife become aware of her problem, suggest her to post on MedHelp. It maybe doesn`t seem that way for her, but talking is really useful... She could get some good suggestions how to stay sober... And then tell her that`s not humiliating, because she will just share her experience with others who survived that...
Feel free to tell us what`s going on... We (I guess, or just I) would like to know how it`s going...
And I will PM you now...
Well last night was a strange night, there was no drinking and things in the house were actually calm.
My plan right now is just to take care of my kids, I am going to let her work it out on her own. Me complaining about it and making comments about it has made it worst for the kids, I understand that now. So protecting the kids is my main priority in this now.
But I have also decided also not to clean up after her anymore, there will be no help if she gets drunk and falls down, or goes over to one of her friends house and gets too drunk and can't get home. I will get the kids but will not take her home, let the people that gave her the stuff take care of her. Its really the only thing I can do right now.
Thanks for all the support, I am a person who hates asking for help. I feel I can handle everything myself, but realize this is beyond me now.
My plan right now is just to take care of my kids, I am going to let her work it out on her own. Me complaining about it and making comments about it has made it worst for the kids, I understand that now. So protecting the kids is my main priority in this now.
But I have also decided also not to clean up after her anymore, there will be no help if she gets drunk and falls down, or goes over to one of her friends house and gets too drunk and can't get home. I will get the kids but will not take her home, let the people that gave her the stuff take care of her. Its really the only thing I can do right now.
Thanks for all the support, I am a person who hates asking for help. I feel I can handle everything myself, but realize this is beyond me now.
My opinion is that these are are good choices... Hope you do well and best of luck... If you had any problems, feel free to post here again. Someone will answer you... Bye...
It sounds like you have put together a good plan. I am really glad you asked for help rather than to allow this to continue as it was. Also I am happy to hear the her reaction to this was not drinking. Stopping drinking is very difficult for people. She might need your help and support as far as encouragement not to drink. Talking to her about AA. Life can be really hard at times and offering support to our loved ones is something we all do and need sometimes. Remember nobody is perfect not even you. Apparently you have allowed this to go on for your children’s entire lives. So if you don’t mind me asking, why now are you realizing change is needed? Did you really never think the drinking would get worse? I just want to make sure you understand parenting is 50/50 and so is marriage. So I’m not sure that just leaving her stranded around a bunch of people drunk is the way you should handle treating someone you love for 15 years. Lessons can be taught using more creative ways. For instance, tomorrow night is Friday, I would imagine she likes to tie one on for Friday nights. So attempt to make plans doing something for you and her before she has a chance to go off partying.
You both should be aware that stopping drinking without tapering down slowly be dangerous do to the with drawls from the alcohol. It can in some cases lead to death. I just up and stopped and I have heard of a few others that have done that as well. You and her will need to monitor how she is feeling and for fever. Best wishes! Randy
You both should be aware that stopping drinking without tapering down slowly be dangerous do to the with drawls from the alcohol. It can in some cases lead to death. I just up and stopped and I have heard of a few others that have done that as well. You and her will need to monitor how she is feeling and for fever. Best wishes! Randy
I guess I was kind of denying it up to now, at the beginning it was just drinking on the weekends, what I would call heavy (4 - 5 beers in one sitting, If I drink its only 1 or 2) but there was not getting staggering drunk, no getting sick from drinking.
It was not until about 4 years ago that the drinking had started to pick up. Thats when I noticed that when we go somewhere for a xmas party or such, she would drink 2 - 3 glasses of wine or beer to everyones one. She also started drinking to the point of being fall down drunk, and/or getting sick, this only happened on the weekends, not during the week. Plus during this whole time I have been trying to get her to slow down or stop, but that just causes more arguments
About 2 years ago, the drinking stayed on the weekend, but she started hiding the bottles and started lying about what she was drinking, thats when she started buying the 2 32oz bottles of beer, drink them before I would get home, and the drink one or two regular beers like she had only drank them. I started confronting her and it just caused more problems, more arguements, so I just let it go.
Even with all this, she never touched hard liquor, in fact she said she hated it. Thats what triggered this posting, I found empty vodka bottles in the closet and she was drinking all weekend and then into the week, she works at a school so they are now off for summer, and lying about not drinking anything.
I know I am not the perfect husband, I don't think anyone is. But I do alot more than most of the husbands we know do, and I cook alot of the dinners, get the kids to their soccer games, never missed one unless I had to be at another game. Plus having to work everyday.
So I guess after reading this again, I have just had enough and the vodka was a trigger point that was the straw that finally broke the camels back. I don't want to put up with it anymore and don't think I have to.
It was not until about 4 years ago that the drinking had started to pick up. Thats when I noticed that when we go somewhere for a xmas party or such, she would drink 2 - 3 glasses of wine or beer to everyones one. She also started drinking to the point of being fall down drunk, and/or getting sick, this only happened on the weekends, not during the week. Plus during this whole time I have been trying to get her to slow down or stop, but that just causes more arguments
About 2 years ago, the drinking stayed on the weekend, but she started hiding the bottles and started lying about what she was drinking, thats when she started buying the 2 32oz bottles of beer, drink them before I would get home, and the drink one or two regular beers like she had only drank them. I started confronting her and it just caused more problems, more arguements, so I just let it go.
Even with all this, she never touched hard liquor, in fact she said she hated it. Thats what triggered this posting, I found empty vodka bottles in the closet and she was drinking all weekend and then into the week, she works at a school so they are now off for summer, and lying about not drinking anything.
I know I am not the perfect husband, I don't think anyone is. But I do alot more than most of the husbands we know do, and I cook alot of the dinners, get the kids to their soccer games, never missed one unless I had to be at another game. Plus having to work everyday.
So I guess after reading this again, I have just had enough and the vodka was a trigger point that was the straw that finally broke the camels back. I don't want to put up with it anymore and don't think I have to.
Oh I was under the impression you still wanted to save your marriage. Is this not true? Are you wanting out of the marriage?
Randy
Randy
I got impression you are trying to put your kids in front of your wife. And that`s OK.
What do you mean by your last sentence? You want to get out of marriage, like rpooo thinks, or you want to put some boundaries?
i THINK you need to be some kind of support for her if you want to make this work. Like rpoo said: "Be thoughtful and sensitive to her feelings but also be firm about the drinking"
Kids need their mother... And if there is any chance to have her, MAYBE you should try... But i don`t know. Although, you have a right to make you own decision...
You are probably confused, but you have to know what you want. Take some(but not too much) time, because it`s hard decision and you could regret it. Do you want to try to make your family functional, or you are just giving up on your wife? Again, MAYBE you should give her a chance. At least one. But, I don`t know...
Think about it... Decide what are you going to do...
What do you mean by your last sentence? You want to get out of marriage, like rpooo thinks, or you want to put some boundaries?
i THINK you need to be some kind of support for her if you want to make this work. Like rpoo said: "Be thoughtful and sensitive to her feelings but also be firm about the drinking"
Kids need their mother... And if there is any chance to have her, MAYBE you should try... But i don`t know. Although, you have a right to make you own decision...
You are probably confused, but you have to know what you want. Take some(but not too much) time, because it`s hard decision and you could regret it. Do you want to try to make your family functional, or you are just giving up on your wife? Again, MAYBE you should give her a chance. At least one. But, I don`t know...
Think about it... Decide what are you going to do...
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