It is breaking my heart to watch my boyfriend throw his life away because of Alcohol

[Sarah77777777]

I've never been and done anything like this before, but I just literally don't know what to do any more. I am 23 and my partner is 26, he drinks heavily and already has liver disease and bone marrow dysfunction. I first started seeing him when I was 14 but it has been serious for the last 3 years. He hasn't worked since I've met him, he is stuck in such a rut and I feel so sorry for him. I love him completely and it is breaking my heart more than words can explain. I am at university and am trying to better my life, when I call him in the day he's asleep all day then by the time he wakes it's time to start all over again. Up until 3 weeks ago he has never been violent, he's always very verbally abusive and just plain nasty. But 3 weeks ago he scared me for the first time, I've since left him but it is devastating and want to get back with him more than anything, if he was sober. We get on so well and have such a laugh when he doesn't drink, I just don't understand it at all. He has now become very dependent on me, I am his world, he has also tried committing suicide, I just feel so guilty but on the other hand I am being out cast at uni because I've been at his constant beck and call. I want to start having children soon, with nobody else but him.But I just cant do it, while it's like this. I'm so frustrated/ depressed/ worried and feel his mom puts it on me a little as she says he's always alot better when I'm around. I just feel I'm so young to be carrying all this around when he could solve everything. I want to help him so much. But feel guilty for also thinking it's  not too late for me to get out, but then I just constantly feel depressed and worried.

[phsycodog]

Sarah, I agree with pooh bear on this one; the only one that can make the decision to straighten himsel out is him. I was, not so long ago, just like him. Idrank the hard stuff and heavily. I went to detox and it was fairly painless. Boring mostly, but other than that it was fine. He needs to do it at a medical facility, under supervision (alcohol DT's can cause brain damage or death if not handled properly. It generally only take a few days, and it seems he doesn't have a real full schedule right now. My doctor even offeed to write me a note saying I would need to be off for X amont of days, and that I would be in the hopital with an unspecified stomch ailement. I was there for 2.5 days.


It's okay to love him,and, it's okay tell him that you choose nt to live like that. My recommendation woul be to sit him down and have a talk with him, and lay out the ground rules :

1. He must go to detox, NOW. It's no big deal. Really.
2. If he want's to continue to drink (which I strongly dicourage), there has to be an agreed upon amount at any given time.
3. If he does choose detox, found it helpful to have my sister drive me, help me get through the registration proscess, get me up to the room, and visit for a bit (as you can imagine it was a pretty rough day).
4. Help him pack for the stay in the hospitalI forgot alot of things I would've liked to have; I almost died of boredom.
5. Remove all of the alcohol from the house before he comes home.
They make a bunch of pharmaceuticals that will help the situation, both during detox and after. I'd sit done with him one day (before he starts drinking. set the day & time up in advance; if he likes baked goods, make him some, or a nice dinner, or if he has been needing something (some new dress shoes for exapmle). My point? Start the dialog on a positive note; make him feel special. this will help with the process.
6.Make notes beforehand; this will be a very emotional meeting for you, and probably for him too. Notes will allo you to focus on what you have to say without getting emoitional, or having a breskdown, or caving and telling him you're sorry (like this is all your fault).

Let him know that this is going to be how it is. PERIOD. If he can't get his drinking under control you going to give him a time out, say 6 month sepertion, longer for each transgression after that. And that eventually,, that's it.

Then, then tell him you love him and wil support him in snyway necessary.

If he does it, he won't think so right away, but as h gets more and more sober, he will begin to appreciate it. Hope it works out for you, keep us posted.

[ibizan]

Well put advice my beloved assistant advisor!Nothing i can add.....now if only she will heed it!

[rpooo]

Good morning Sarah and welcome to MedHelp. I am glad you found us here MedHelp is a terrific forum and has helped many change their lives! Sometimes others perspectives can be exactly what you need.
I am sorry to hear about your partners problems and your desire that he would just help himself and fix the obvious problem in his life is something that we see a lot in here. Remember though this is the choice he is making on what to do with his life. When it comes to alcoholism there just is not much our loved ones can do to make us change. The desire to change has got to come from him! Sorry to tell you but it sure doesn't sound like he has that in his plans anytime soon.
You attend a University making a wonderful attempt at having a terrific future ahead of you.  You deserve to be treated much better and to be with someone that has the same goals as you. This man is 26 and never even had a job and verbally abuses you. His problems are not yours and not your fault.  You are not married and thankfully no children are involved. What can he possibly offer you? You deserve better, much better and so as hard as it may seem I strongly think you need to move on. His drinking and threats of suicide are not your fault or problem. It's up to his family to find the help that he needs.
I am sorry if this seems harsh and might not be the advice your seeking. Love is great but it can be much better than what he is offering! I hope the best for you Sarah. Surround yourself with good people and good things will happen. You are much too young and you have worked too hard to make a good life for yourself, your heart will heal in time and his future is in his own hands and his family. Take care Sarah, stay with your school! You have the power to make a wonderful life for yourself.
Randy

[Sarah77777777]

Also I don't think it's too late for him, but very soon it will be. What can I do to make him realise??