Does my (ex)-boyfriend have autism/Asperger's?

[PlumPlum]

A few weeks ago, I met this guy with whom I hit it off from the beginning. We can talk for hours and still not get bored with each other and there is also physical attraction.

However, on our first official date, he took me out to a bar with all of his friends and left me by myself while he was talking to his friends. Needless to say, it was very boring for me, because I didn't know anybody and it was hard to initiate conversation because the music was loud and most of his friends were already drunk when we got there. At one point, I couldn't take it anymore and went back to see him. He introduced me to the friend he was talking to and it surprised me that he would always stick to either individuals or very small groups (not more than 3), despite the fact that at least 20 friends of his were in the bar. He was also not the type of guy that wanted to dance or that needed a lot of attention. In fact, he is the only single guy of all of his friends...

That night was very strange, but I liked him, so I decided to stay in the bar and go home with him. We slept together in the same bed, but he didn't make a move on me and when I tried to kiss him, he seemed to be very nervous. I thought he was inexperienced, because he didn't know how to kiss properly. I was doing all the work...

The next morning, he didn't mention the cuddling and kissing we did the night before. When he dropped me off at my house, he said bye to me like he would say bye to one of his friends. I gave him a hug, but his hugs were never intensive. He would do the shoulder thing with me.

I didn't hear from him, so I decided to text him and I did get a response asking me if I wanted to go for lunch. Unfortunately, I wasn't available that day, so we rescheduled and watched a movie together. Afterwards, I insisted that I wanted to stay at his place for the night and he agreed. Again, he wouldn't make a single move on me. He wouldn't even kiss me and I asked him why he didn't do that. He said he wanted to take things slowly, but then said kissing would be ok, so I did. However, he stopped after about one minute, because he became sexually aroused, which seemed quite strange to me at that point, because it was just kissing, no touching.

The next morning, he started to talk about the usual superficial topics he uses when he doesn't know what else to say.

From that point onwards, he texted me every night to ask how I was doing. The text conversations were usually very superficial and although I asked him directly about his plans for the weekend, we never managed to make plans. He would always say he had no plans and when the weekend approached, he would suddenly cancel using some excuse about a friend that bought him a ticket or whatever or he wouldn't talk to me at all, despite the fact that he promised me to go out with me.

We did see each other a couple of times afterwards. Mainly in his house (because he lives by himself) talking or watching TV. I would always spend the night at his house and he never made a move on me. He would only kiss me when the lights were off and he would always get very aroused from kissing. One time he tried to go further than kissing, but he never tried to take off my clothes or open my bra, despite the fact that he was playing with my bra all the time.

He never gave me compliments.

One time he misinterpreted one of my text messages and basically that was the end of our relationship. He texted me that it felt too serious and that he wasn't ready for a relationship. He started to ignore me from the point onwards. We did talk on the phone a couple of times, sometimes for over one hour, but he didn't seem willing to meet me in person anymore.

We did meet once after the break-up text, but it felt very awkward. He hardly made eyecontact, he seemed very annoyed and he ignored me completely when we he ran into a friend of his, although I was standing next to him the whole time. The reason why he ignored was that he didn't want his friend to think we were in a date. The worst part is that he said it was fun and that he wanted to hang out again with me.

I haven't heard from him since then...

Does this guy have Asperger's? It does sound like it to me, but I am not 100% sure. And if so, why does he ignore me? I genuinely thought he cared about me...

Is this Asperger's? Autism? Maybe something else?

[skepticalpeach]

I don't think you got to know him well enough to know if he has autism/aspergers. It's certainly a possibility, but it sounds more like he just wasn't interested. Aren't you glad he didn't sleep with you if he wasn't interested? I believe that people with autism/aspergers still know how to show you they care. In my experience they are quite capable of showing affection. Sounds like it's time for you to move on.

[specialmom]

No, I don't think from your description he sounds like he is autistic.  I would say that you have different social styles and he also wasn't 'that into this' so didn't make a big effort for you.  Really, when you have a first date that doesn't go great . . .  the best thing is to NOT sleep in their bed and not continue dating them.  

It also doesn't sound like he was really a 'boyfriend' per se but rather someone you briefly went out with.  This worries me that you might be just 'looking for love' and reading too much into things.  Could that be the case??  

I would move on and set high standards for yourself and boundaries . . .  we date to either take the relationship to the next level or to learn for next time and we should try not to set ourselves up for a situation that isn't good right from the very first date.

It sounds like you misread this situation and wanted something much more than he did.

good luck to you