Am I really bipolar?

[mividaloca]

I recieved a diagnosis of bipolar disorder over the summer. In my teens, I was diagnosed with "conduct disorder" from some of the 'escapades' I had been on, and I frequently have had lengthy and terrible periods of depression. I am also frequently very very hyper, whereby I suppose I meet the diagnositec criteria for bipolar disorder. But reading up on the disorder, I just am not sure that this is really what I have, because I go back and forth so much that sometimes I can be hyper to the point of bursting, racing, distraction happiness feeling like i am more intelligent than everyone i see and trying to figure out with all my ideas why God chose me to be the most intelligent and what it is He wants me to do, and THEN be completely suicidal feeling retarded and like I want to die or hurt myself in the same day. like, that fast. even several times a day. Also, sometimes I feel fine. Really, like I function fine. Plus, even with my "mania" if that's what it is, I somehow seem to be able to reel it in enough to sustain really good grades in school, like, I sit through all my lectures and stuff, I really have a handle on it. Plus I parent my daughter pretty well, like, I can know enough to not act crazy in front of her. I'll just think crazy. I'll just be thinking really fast. So ANYWAYS what I'm wondering is, since when I go back and forth it's so so fast (and I'm aware of the term rapid cycling, it's just that I go back and forth so fast it's almost like I'm just spontaneously annoyingly moody or something, even rapid cycling is just 4 times a year) and because I can keep it under wraps enough to have appointments and get good grades and parent and because I can also feel and act relatively normal sometimes?

Thank you. I'm very confused and just not sure if I'm really bipolar.

Sophie

[ILADVOCATE]

Perhaps its just a matter of having treatment adjusted. I am on Clonidine and I was never informed it was addictive in any manner (you might be confusing it with Klonopin an anti-anxiety medication which can be addictive but I've taken it 10 years without a problem as well). I use the Catapres application form. It was your psychiatrist's judgment to change your medication but if you are rapid cycling or have other issues they might need to change or adjust your treatment:
http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/meds/moodstabilizers.htm
is a complete list of mood stabilizers.
And yes some older books on psychiatry do say that bipolar has psychological aspects but that mode of thinking it outdated. Of course a stressful day can make moodswings worse but its like any other disability. If you have personal issues you can talk them over with your therapist but having your medication adjusted and what specific aspects of bipolar you are expereincing is within your psychiatrist's judgment. The website "Depression Central" (for all mood disorders) has good information. Find out more about available options and speak to your psychiatrist about it.

[stygma_02]

Identify completely w/questioning the diagnosis. I was diagnosed w/ bipolar disorder 16 yrs. ago when it was still called Manic Depression and there was still a sturdy stigma attached to the diagnosis.  Couple of yrs later, still having months of suicidal thoughts, came across a book by Dr. Martin Seligman. In it he shows the difference between what can be changed and what can't when it comes to psychiatric/cognitive dysfunctions.

Specifically, he spoke of changing what we tell ourselves when we become depressed, and that "changing the tapes" (changing what we tell ourselves about our own abilities) can change our lives. It took months, but one suicidal episode that I almost acted on, I finally caught what he meant....it was what I was telling myself that had sent me into that suicidal  spiral down, things like "I'm a bad mom, I'm so stupid I can't finish college, or this class" etc. ad nauseum. Changing that litany to a positive one felt at first like full-blown fraudery, but it did work. The suicidal thoughts lifted (this did not happen over night....took weeks of "re-telling.")    

This one thing more than any other caused me to question the bipolar diagnosis.  If bipolar is a chemical imbalance, as my psych-doc had explained, then talking yourself back out of a suicidal episode would be as impossible as a diabetic talking themselves out of an insulin coma. I stopped taking the meds (at the time Lithium, then Depakote) about 4 months later, after having been able to let go of the suicidal thoughts.  I figured you couldn't have a chemical imbalance going on if your thoughts could control it. This also raised a lot of  questions for me about self-control versus medications.....yes, I get that responsibility would also include taking your meds, but what if the diagnosis is wrong.....

At the time of the diagnosis, not much was explained to me about exactly what bipolar was.  The most important points I remember were that there were mood swings, highs and lows, suicidal thoughts,  and euphorias.  

Reading these posts has me frightened. There's too much here that matches what I deal with. The rapid cycling you guys talk about really hits home. I never had the euphorias the docs talked about, the grandiosity was something i wished i could experience. It would be nice to feel like I could accomplish something, however misguided that feeling might be.   One of the things that had my therapist convinced that the bipolar diagnosis fit was one "episode" (makes me angry that it was labelled "episode" !!) in college. A self-paced psychology class was nearing deadline for completion, and depression had kept me from working the material. Finally one weekend just before finals, I read the text ( a really good text that read like a novel, so I don't think reading it in one weekend qualifies as "excessive energy") and completed the rest of the course work necessary. My therapist said this was "classic Bipolar behavior." I don't know why. Anyone with the fear of failing a college class would have done the same thing. It was only intro psych, not a chem class. ( A Chem class would have had me suicidal at 2 days to deadline {Pun not intended} ;) Has anybody else had stuff like this happen??  Isn't this just normal to cram......

Also have congestive heart failure, mitral valve disorder, etc. and the heart doc had prescribed Clonidine as one of the meds. Taking Clonidine made me feel most nearly what I imagine "normal" would feel like....really dampened the paranoia, but also caused sleepiness so heavy couldn't really function.   Then heart-doc stopped the Clonidine because he said it was "mildly addictive."  Please.  Feeling "normal" was mildly addictive.
Have the rest of you guys ever questioned your diagnosis?  What did you do? How do you get the docs to listen? (I mean really listen, not just nod condescendingly and give you that patronizing, serene, St. Doc look)  Also, can't a number of other dysfunctions combined with depression mimic Bipolar disorder?

One of the most frustrating things (for me anyway) about this diagnosis was the way anything I felt that was in the least "exaggerated" compared with normal was labeled. My friends would roll their eyes and say, "oh, she's bipolar" or "she can't help it." It so invalidates anything you feel.....I tried to bring this up in our after-care group once. It annoyed the leader. Not kidding. The next week I tried to re-tool my argument...On those cheesy little, "Hi, I'm......" name tags, I wrote Bipolar.   Those less medicated in the group were only faintly amused.  I was halfway into a fantasy about starting a bipolar rock band and calling it "Stygma" when I noticed the pronounced silence. Looked up to find the group leader staring at me...he cleared his throat and handed me a new, blank name tag.  Paranoic that I was, I took this as a jab at my mental state and defiantly wore the tag blank for the next three sessions.    So much for making a point.  Totally invalidated by the annoyance of the "normal" world.

[LeftCoastChick]

I made the same error - my apologies -

What meds are you on? and how long?  You should see your episodes decrease when your brain has adjusted to the meds.  Rapid cycling and mixed states(which I have as well), are plain awful.  I'm never quite sure what mood I'm going to wake up in. If I have messed up my sleep pattern, it ruins my mood, even 2 cups of coffee can trigger me.
I get frustrated, I'm either hypo or depressed most of the time, the longest I've felt stable is maybe 2 weeks or so, even then I was slightly hypo ( I didn't mind, I hadn't cleaned my house in 3 months).  I'm no longer OCD'ish and worried about every single thing, I wish I'd been diagnosed when I was going to Univ., I would have gotten excellent grades.
Hindsight is 20/20 isn't it?  One piece of advice, never go off your meds when you feel better, the chances of relapse is higher and your BP could get even worse.

It took me a month or so to process my diagnosis of BP, I never thought my moods were that bad, but I had a  2 hour interview with two psychiatrists, both can't be wrong.
My GP got all the info, and she felt bad she didn't see the symptoms, but I told her that there would be no way she would have known. At least I'm on meds that work better, I haven't been suicidal since the beginning of October.

Know you aren't alone, and there are folks in the same boat or have had a history of your behaviours.  Hang in there, if you've been on the meds for 2+ months and you are still getting serious symptoms, you may want to re-evaluate your meds.

[LeftCoastChick]

I'm "ultradian" BP, I can cycle looking at my journal up to 5-6 times a day, depending on my stress level.  I take meds which help ease up the severity of the cycles, but they still rear their moods. I've never had thoughts of grandiose like you, thinking God has deemed you to be someone who is more intelligent,is not normal in any capacity. You can't self-diagnose though, but there are more disorders out there then just BP, as well there could be multiple diagnoses. What concerns me is that you have a child and you haven't sought out help yet.  You can't make good judgements realistically when you are in delusional state. I stayed "under the radar" for years, with hypomanic, anxiety riddled states and have been mildly OCD and paranoid in my 30s. I couldn't trust a soul.
You need to seek help and get your swings especially your delusions under control, with you swinging from mania to suicidal ideations, if not for your sake, your child's.

My mother has as a personality disorder (narcisism) with Major depression and I believe she is a sociopath, she never sought out full help, she manipulated her psychiatrist for years blaming all her problems on other people. My life was a living hell due to her chaotic behaviour which you've also described. Though you're a different person, families of BP folks live in chaos when not seeking help or under medicated.. I've worked high risk pre-teens who have a mentally ill parent, and chances are high they will have some sort of disorder.

Get a referral to a psychiatrist, the sooner you get a diagnosis the sooner you will feel more balanced. I hope you do, feeling suicidal and manic are awful states to be in.

[lagatta]

Sorry, I re-read your post and realize you already have a diagnosis.  If you feel uncertain you can always get a second opinion.  I had a very difficult time accepting my own diagnosis and apparently that's very common.  

[lagatta]

I agree with hell1971 that your really need a phyc doc to diagnos you.  

I for one, have what is considered utradian bipolar (meaning I can cycle within the same day).  I don't get those highs where I think I'm better than everyone else but I do cycle from depression to mixed episodes to normal functioning all in the same day.  Not all people with Bipolar are completely disfuncitional.  Some of us, like you, can keep it under wraps enough to function but nevertheless our quality of life is comprimized.  On average, it takes anyware from 7-12 years for most people with Bipolar II to be correctly diagnosed.  Your post sounds very familiar and I would strongly suggest you get a professional opinion.

[hell1971]

Only a phyc doc can really tell you but what I have learnt is you can have ultra rapid cycling and also a mixed episode ( this one I know from experience ) it is when you cycle so quickly it can be every hour, when I was really bad I felt like someone else had a remote control and kept changing the channels, one minute I was crying and in the depths of despare and the next minute I was laughing and full of energy, it was awful, then things started to slow down and although it was still what they class as a mixed it was more like a daily or twice daily mood swing, it was crazy I had all the symptoms of depression but at the same time hypomania, I was too to a point able to control myself in front of people although my functioning level was not.
Although people with bipolar share many experiences and symptoms it is unique to the person, you have to remember you are imprinting bipolar on a personality and an environment. I wish you luck with your journey.