Anxiety

[CA25]

I had severe anxiety about God all the time... I don't know why....my mind is thinks evil all time about HIM....cussing him out. I am so ashamed of myself. I goto church, pray, and I still get worst each day it seems. I think God gave me over to a reprobate mind. I am not too sure though.This is going on for alomost a year now with no relieve yet :(.... I made a vow to God and ask for forgiveness but I am not sure if it was too late and now my life is over... I just want my life back.. all this torment is driving me crazy. What else can I do. I get angry at God sometimes because I think He has favorites and allow me to suffer severly at times. I can not get pregnant...my mind is evil...I have somuch issues with my health..and yet my sisters life is beautiful! I mean they have the typical woes of life but NOT LIKE MINES :(..... I am just so tired of this...

[rmevans]

I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist.  God does love you, but you may need different meds to help with your intrusive thoughts.  Be sure to tell your doc how you are feeling.  If you don't have a psychiatrist, have your primary recommend one to you.

[CA25]

Thanks beekeeper.
You are right!!!!  I am just going to continue to pray and hold on the best way I can. I know I feel abandon by God sometimes but I just have to remember this is all for the Glory of His work!!!

[BeeKeeper]

I cn only tell you how i try to cope with the religious aspect.  I'm a stubborn soul so when I'm tormented I say, "God - you said you'd never leave me, you said you would not give me more than i can bare, you said that you are the beginning and the end.  I feel abandoned, I feel overwhelmed and I feel i'm at an end.....but, I'm going to keep praying, keep talking to you wether you answer/hear me or not."  The trick is to not give in to the darkness, don't let it win - you are stronger than it.  If you were brough up in the church you are aware of the scriptures describing the full armor of god.  I feel as though I have been ripped of that armor...but there is one verse that says "having done all, stand".  Stand against the dark thoughts, pray even if you think you're not heard, be stubborn and don't let things push you around.  you can borrow my mantra...when you hit that wall just say "I am stronger than this and I do make my own choices".  Repeat it until you are strong enough to push back or walk away.  Hang in there...if nothing elsse, know you're not alone.

[CA25]

Yes I know about that new testament but it seems like God has given me over to a reproabte mind or something! :( I was not like this 2 yrs. ago. I was fine and energetic... Love God to the fullest, want the best for people...but now I can not even pray without thinking evil of God or someone. I just feel so hopeless as if this is a never ending cycle! I am on meds but they do not help much!  Thank you so much for this! I pray that one day this nightmare will let up and end for good in Jesus name amen!!!

[lindahand]

Don't forget though that the new testament changed things. Now the rule is that God will never leave you and will always forgive you.

My heart goes out to you. Intrusive thoughts are so hard to deal with. What I found helped me was to remind myself that they are not personal, it is not an attack on me, it is a glitch in the neurochemistry of my brain, it is bad but it won't kill me, and although I can't control the thought I can control my response to that thought. If I have an intrusive thought I can counter it. Soon as the thought is over I consiously think of its counter. So if the intrusive thought involves me yelling at someone once its over I will imagine being nice to that person. I have control over my response. It still shakes me and I feel rattled from it, but I have taken back the control. This isn't personal any more than a diabetic going blind is personal. And I would rather intrusive thoughts than blindness. But in saying that I only was able to wrestle this type of control from being on medication. Before medication they threw me about on a whim.

[CA25]

HI...BeeKeeper....Nice name!!!
I too think I was given over to a reprobate mind! :( I think God did me like HE did saul.... its just so hard not believe HE would do something! but saul have an evil spirit and I have one too :(..torment daily with no relief whatsoevr. I pray too but its like the torment go from one string to another! I just hate my life and I have not even experience the good things in life and now my life is over. I am so depress...mental..talking to myself daily tryig to fight these thoughts off my mind. God said HE will never leave us yet HE left saul and even plagued him with an evil spirit. I know I done alot of things but to be like saul is sad :(. I don't know how I can live with this kind of spirit and mind set. Its going on a year now and no relief yet. Things are getting worst and not better. I know if God hates me or love me. I get angry cause this happened out the blue. I am just so sad about my life now.

[BeeKeeper]

This a really good discussion.  I also was raised in a strict church and am lost.  the things I've done in either a manic or depressed state...I find hard - if not impossible to forgive myself.  Part of me knows gods grace and forgiveness, but the logical side says look at saul whom it appears also was bi-polar if you look at his manic and depressed mood...and suicide.  The bible says that he was given over to this dark spirit...so maybe I've been given over too.

Before diagnosed I felt i could "hear' god in my mind and soul.  now I wonder if what i "hear' is hallucination.  I find it very hard to walk into a church or participate in a church function without feeling I don't belong.

I still pray everyday...I just have to hope someon is listening.

[CA25]

Thanks so much!!!! I think i will try that but now the thoughts about God are gone and now I have another thought thats bugging the crap out of me. Its like a vicious cycle...one thougth gone and here comes another one! eugh I just hate everything about my life right now and how dark it is!!! eugh i just wish I can wake up and my life will be great....8 kids...peaceful mind....loving husband.....saved and God on my side....Just a nice life!!! I never pictured my life like this at all :(.....all this torment is driving me nuttss!!! I just want mylife back! I don't want to think evil of God or no one!!! I was a loving person but now I am crazy!!! Everyone calls me crazy and I am because of the evil things that pops in and out of my head constantly!!! I pray and Nothing is happening!!! Everyone I know life is somewhat beautiful and they get what they want out of life and I do not :( such unfair!

[aadel]

--"I think God gave me over to a reprobate mind."
--"Its almost like satan attacked my mind to think evil of God."

CA, I hear you. Coming from a strict religious background myself (my father was a minister), I believe I understand some of the struggles you are going through.

When we are confronted with unwelcome thoughts and feelings, we can make the mistake of focusing too sharply on them and thereby giving them more power than they deserve.  Like a snake that can hypnotize its prey into paralysis,  the "evil eye" of our "sinful" thoughts holds us in its spell until we can see nothing else.  This preoccupation with what is wrong, with what we want to eradicate, only empowers the unwanted thoughts.  

Many ancient wisdom traditions teach us to step back from our thoughts and emotions, and to merely observe them as if from a safe distance, without judging them good or evil.  Imagine you are sitting on a bench overlooking a pleasant landscape.  In the distance a train enters your field of vision from the left.  You make no special effort to study it.  You know it will come a little closer and eventually it will leave the scene.

You are not responsible for the thoughts and feelings that enter your mental landscape.  Just like the train, they come and go of their own accord.  We can, however, take some responsibility for what we do once the train has come into view.  Do we hop aboard and let it take us for a ride?  Once it has vanished from view, do we keep thinking about it although it's already gone?  Do we worry about when the next train will come along?

I have found this to be an effective way to handle troubling emotions and thoughts.  The formula is simple: step back a little, see the train of thoughts as it comes and goes, then let it fade out of the picture.

Do you think it's worth trying?

[CA25]

Arrrghhhh if its not one thing its another!!! why me....now I having thoughts about my sister in law!!! I rather not repeat the thought but its bad :(..... I told my DF... He says takes xanax...nothing works,.....I do not want this evil thought in my mind.... its hard being me with this kind of mind!!! I was so normal 2 yrs ago!!!

[rmevans]

Also, just because the Seroquel didn't help, doesn't mean that another med won't.  Don't give up on the meds based on one that didn't work.  Every med effects every person differently.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Now that someone mentions intrusive thoughts, I remember I was told I was having intrusive thoughts because I kept having thoughts about cockroaches pop into my head which cockroaches just flat out disgust me and it was so bad I even stopped eating most of the time because I was grossed out.  Eventually this just went away on its own but I think I still have intrusive thoughts to an extent.  I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track of these things when you have psychosis.

[CA25]

Thanks so much...I have seen a psychiatrist before and was on sequerol and it did not helpthe thoughts at all. I mean the thoughts will be even louder on the meds.The only thing the help was praying To God about it and let HIM have control over these thoughts!!!

[notnownva]

My husband suffers from Bi-Polar and usually leans to the depression side of it all.  He had terrible intrusive thoughts and they controled his behaviour and mind to the point that the worry was debilitating...meaning he worried about his salvation, money, house, family, etc and felt hopeless and at times suicidal.  Last year, I talked him in to going to a facility for a week to get his meds situated...he was reluctant, and scared, but it helped.  The doctor gave him medication for the intrusive thoughts...he says now he only gets them occasionally, and they don't control his behavior.  I would suggest you talk to your doctor about this and not waste another minute...intrusive thoughts can come in any format...destructive, depressive or just suppressing.  

God loves you no matter what you've done and your actions don't get you to heaven...it sounds like you know that you have to accept Christ as your saviour and you have the relationship, so don't worry about that part of it.  God knows we're human and we get mad at him at times...but he also knows that you have a medical problem and need help.  Call today to get an appointment with your psychiatrist and don't let this determine who you are.  I'll be praying for you and know that you'll make the right decision and will start getting better.  Take care...

[CA25]

Thank you everyone!!! I grateful for feedback. I just feel so sad at times cause this attack happen out of the blue. I mean before this I was completely normal. I Love God to the fullest and I never thought I would have such thoughts as these:(.... Most of the time Iam talking to myself...asking God to forgive my thoughts and mind. I pray but its like its get worst with prayer and praise.Its almost like satan attacked my mind to think evil of God. which I do not want or like. I am getting little better but not 100% yet. I read the story of JOB and I wonder if that is me? I am more kids....sometimes I think my life is cursed....but I am going to hold on tio the very end with God on my side.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

I think the concept of God is he looks at how you handle the thoughts and not so much whether you have them or not.  I'm sure even the most saintly of people in the past had thoughts of murder and such at one point or another after they became entirely devoted to God.  He is supposed to be merciful so he's probably going to understand you don't mean the thoughts and not be hard on you for them.

[lindahand]

There is a book by Philip Yancy called "What is so amazing about grace?" it may help you out. God knows you don't mean the thoughts. That you are angry and frustrated and sad and can't figure out why things hurt so much.

Read Job. It is a good book because most of it is Job being angry at God, or Job's friends telling him it is because some sin is causing his illness. We don't know God's ways but in the end we will be healed and with God.

[adel_ezz]

Hi

I wouldn't worry that much. Intrusive thoughts come and go. It's like you are stuck with a certain idea good or bad and you keep erring into it without stop. If you think about Satan the same thing will happen. Besides GOD will not be angry at you because he created you the way you are and knows that these are intrusive thoughts. Like IL said if you consider another ideas they will intrude on your reality eventually. The more you concentrate on a certain idea you will find difficulty in escaping thinking about it all the time. In fact I do have this phenomenon occurring and strangely of incidences which happened years ago.

If i were you stop being ashamed and let it come and go and don't stress yourself to try to stop it.

You said you blame God, thieves in my country blame the devil. Each time they catch one he says what can I do it's the devil who seduced me.

Try to be patient and as i said don't stress yourself to try to stop it. These are thoughts that many of us have. As to God forgiving you, I am sure he does because he knows you regret it. God is most merciful and tolerant.

keep well  

[ILADVOCATE]

Try to think what these thoughts are like and if they appear to come from outside of yourself and are commenting on you or are instructive thoughts that are somewhat separate from how you feel and are intruding on your reality. Also think if you have thoughts of this nature in other areas of your life. All of this would be worth discussing with a psychiatrist and certainly a talk therapist (which can be helpful in addition to a psychiatrist).