Permanent hypomanic

[Farrenblackwell]

I have natural "permanent hypomania", some people can have it and it is classified as a form of bipolar type 2 offshoot. But it isn't in the sense that there are little to no negative connotations to it. If you need something to mediate yourself to a level of sanity then you probably have the bad kind. Which I'd seek treatment for.

The only reason I've found that i have this is because i have a natural; behavioralistic tendancy towards altruism. I do it in everything. I'm very empathetic and driven and sometimes my frustrations towards changing a certain persons mindset or a  general condition would manifest itself in anxiety. My friends call this my inherant pursuit to "change the world". Sometimes its very hard for me to communicate with your average person or "layman". While they see "trees" i see "forests"; broad overarching concepts and forethought..

For a long time i would self medicate to "bring me down to everyone else's level". Being like this all of the time can be a bit overwhelming and "spiritually tiring" is the best way that I can put it. Because i seldomly get physically or mentally tired, just a kind of null boredom. Like an alien tired of watching ants.

Long story short, i went to an M.D. to seek medical assistance. I work a job that consists of grueling manual labor and because of management/time constraints on a certain thing i was doing alone at night. I pushed myself both physically and emotionally until i found blood in my stool. Which worried me, but I thought it might have been a product of anxiety. So i went to an MD and described my symptoms and was concerned that I'd had a combination of PTSD/ADHD/Anxiety.


He asked me a series of questions that some made sense but others were odd. Asked me if i ever had problems focusing, i said "no, but I'll oftentimes drop things I consider irrelevant for the more important, i can focus on barious things at once".

Asked if i ever got in a depressed mood or had thoughts of suicide. "Not without reason, no suicide."

Asked if i get angry or lash out at anyone. This one I had difficulty answering directly. Because i always try to reason with people before resorting to either and i never "lash out" incoherently.

He then asked me a wierd question for a Dr. "When you do get angry, or you act with violence; is it because they DESERVED IT?" To which i answered unequivocally yes.

He asked a couple other questions about energy, ambition, sleep patterns, mental capabilities, hypersexuality. Afterwhich confirmed I'm a lifetime hypomanic.

Tried to give me various mood stabalizers that didn't work. Trazodone that makes me up and at em' on 3 hours of sleep or less.

I consulted a psych that did the same and the only meds that worked was hydrazine. Which is for anxiety and would only last maybe 20 minutes if i took more than prescribed.


Because of the work i do I'm not allowed to have medication like that so i had to stop. Found out the best way to manage myself was through working out, being social, expanding the mind. Though i do still tend to get very "tired" and want to slow my own mind down from time to time.

If this is any proof of the piper I'm 26 years old; have always been like this, had only recently learned of it and its very very hard to find information about it. Or get the occupational physician stopping me from working to understand what it is and that I'm not a liability. Or to even get my psychologist to fully understand what it is. She has asked me how my life is doing and if ive gotten depressed atleast ten times.


I'd just like to know more about it. What i can do to treat it when i want to slow down?

[Adamwyson]

I have exactly what you described.  I'm 34, and it's not a lifetime of having it, it triggered a few weeks ago, and we don't know why.  People keep telling me that I was always upbeat and energetic, but it's difficult to explain to them that this is different.  I can feel a literally "halo" around my brain, I'm an atheist BTW, so I only use the words people would understand.  I an incredibly sharp, miles ahead of people I talk to and the world feels slow.  I wasn't a dumb person to begin with, definitely above average, but I am able to identify when my intelligence, comprehension and learning abilities feel 1000 times improved overnight.

What do you recommend?  Should I see doctors or leave it be?  Can you email me somehow?

Thanks,
Adam

[Farrenblackwell]

I only self medicated at home when possible though. The place I live, people around me, and wanting to "chill out". Caused me to turn to that. Since long quit.

[Farrenblackwell]

Oh hell no, I actually for a very long time used marijuana or the synthetic alternative to keep me down. I Liked it at work but not at home. I was afraid I'd get shot by the ignorant police here or locked up for being so different. Its encouraged at work, they realize what i am. I actually guide and teach people over twice my age. They want to keep me safe though, so i have that reputation and alot of eyes looking out for me. All this company doc has managed to do is make it significantly worse. He basically put me right back where i started going back to work after 6 months of hell and the only difference is i now no I can't get medicated, have to embrace it and protect myself. Which no one else helped me with at all except indirectly my friends at work.

I've learned i need to limit myself to a certain extent. Don't let any sort of management influence my pace or intent no matter what if they're dumb. And speak out or act against terrible things that I encounter in life because if I don't it will physically cause me stomach and anxiety problems. Whether vervally or physically it must be resolved within a logically or reasonably manner.

That aside from obvious physical injuries has been what damages me the most and where the blood actually came from.

[weaver71]

yeah, my pain killers didn't start till about 32 or 33. I am a master of mind over matter and focusing on a task. I had done similar to you, moving houses, rocks, steel buildings, lots of heavy work, starting at about 8 yrs old. In my 20's, I thought I was not hurting myself, like you said, I had people help me notice and slow down. In my early 30's is when it started to accumulate. You are getting older, with a strong mind, it's not so easy to notice. Be careful, I bet there are not to many 40 year old men still working as hard as you do, nobody worked like me as a young man, not even those my age. Anyway, it's good you are looking for ways to slow down now, because I didn't . I kept finding ways to keep pushing, because my mind was still young, though my body aged, hence, my opiate addiction. It seems like we have a lot of mental similarities, at least for when I was 26. You are obviously hypo manic, your writing shows it. I hope you slow down younger than me, because I hurt myself from being hypomanic for most of my youth and early adult life and didn't realize I was doing it. It's my joints that are giving out, my muscles could still lift hundreds of pounds, yet my bones have created new limits. Good luck, hope you can avoid wearing yourself out, like i did.

[Farrenblackwell]

Ignore the bad spelling errors im typing on an iphone which is a pain and there seems to be no edit option here. Also i articulate very rapidly and don't notice until after the fact sometimes.

[Farrenblackwell]

Also, i work as a merchant mariner. My life has been in danger often because of the work. I've actually already almost gotten horribly injured and even died, it's different than what most people do. Firefighting, rough weather, piracy, even worked on a military vessel before. I do get anxious from undue stress but only things that are completely out of my control, are hurting me and I literally cannot find a means to resolve then. Like the things i mentioned before. Having constantly dealt with a dangerous and failing environment i think if i was going to slip into a serious depression, manic state, or psychosis I'd have done it by now.

Don't get progressively tired. I sleep about 4-6 hors a night normally. Sometimes I'd make myself for a little longer at work by taking benadryl pm or tylonol pm but I've decided after speaking to different people i should probably stop that.

I will physically wear my body down over time. Pulled a mudcle in my lung once. Developed incorrectable carpel tunnel syndrome in both my wrists as well, had heatstress a couple times. If I don't pay attention to what I'm  doing my physical speed and hogh tolerance for pain will cause me to injure myself. So I've got to force myself to slow down or get one of my bosses/co-workers to keep an eye on me.

But in order to do this it takes ALOT and i usually stop myself long before self injury.

[Farrenblackwell]

I don't have children of my own yet, but I did help raise my ex girlfriends little boy and girl and had just recently stopped as of the last two years. Her adoptive parents, herself, friends, and family and even ex-husband praised me for it and the way Idid it. I had to be a little stern at times, they were 5 and 7. But never abusive in any way, shape, or form. Never put my hands on them, verbally abused them or anything like that. Taught them as much as I possibly could without taking the fathers place. They both even asked to call me daddy but i refused. Actually managed to help the boy who had anger issues and frustrations over the way the mother behaved at times and missing father figure. He was seeing a child therapist but because of the mothers overbearing direction, didn't get alot of help. I actually worry about them from time to time because of my vacancy.

I went through alot having being put on medical for an arbitrary reason, making only 200$ a week, disrespect by my ex who was accustomed to me taking care of everything and I couldn't alone anymore, boredom, loss of the progression of my work related education, missing my career and friends I work with who because i live where I work for prolonged periods of time, fearing I might not work again and just "stagnate", where i live you either join the military, work a dead end job, or pretty much stay unemployed/end up in jail.

It was a very very hard time. I did tend to self medicate when I couldn't have anything else and didn't want the people close to me seeing me like that. But i was depressed, not suffering from it and quickly got better when the situation changed.


I understand what manic tendencies are, but I've never had them. I Firmly keep myself based in logic or "grounded", always have. I can follow, record, and recite my own levels of thought as well as slow myself down for conveyance; it just gets irritating sometimes. Like teaching a kindergarten class throughout your entire life. If there is something im unsure of or seems far-fetched i will either consult, discuss, or study any relevant information i can about it to come to some sort of logical conclusion.

I know alot of what i say sounds confident and maybe even condescending, but I don't believe in that either. If i can teach or learn from someone, I wholeheartedly do it. If they're too ignorant or stubborn i use sarcasm or humor/analogys to try to get them to realize it. If that doesn't work and they aren't directly threatening someone that makes me feel responsible then I'll move on.

I have progressed and grown over time. But only in education, discipline, or understanding. My condition has not changed at all since I was very very little. I've always been ahead in these things over most people, especially of my own age.

[weaver71]

I surely relate to this thread, though 26 is a few years back for me now. I intentionally didn't focus on bipolar at that age, I formed my own coping skills and ideas of why and how I felt. That was all fine, my therapist said she has never seen any bipolar 1 function so well on their own, with my level of mania. I too would have been diagnosed permanent hypo manic, as a matter of fact, that is my idea of stability. Sometimes I go into full mania, but realize now that most the time, I was not aware of it. When you read about mania, that is a common symptom, not realizing how manic we are. I had tons of adventures, started businesses, did many wonderful things. It was at age 31, when I had my first kid, that I started having more issues with my symptoms. Then I self medicated, ended up addicted to opiates. Another landmark of  kindling, the accumulation of bipolar symptoms over time, finally hit me at age 42. I had a psychotic break. That was the first time I was ever officially diagnosed bipolar and took my first psych med.

This is what I believed happened. At your age, without kids, I could be as intense as I needed to. As I aged, my mind and body get tired easier, so keeping up with the permenant hypo mania kept getting more and more exhausting.  With sleep deprivation, responsibility of raising kids, fast thinking, and pressure from all sides, I finally snapped. I kept taking on jobs and responsibilities as if I could still maintain the energy of a 20 year old, yet I was aging. I still feel 20, many of us bipolar talk about never growing out of puberty. If I could do it all over, I would probably stick to a more simple life and build coping skills to accept that. I have had to slow down in my 40's, yet my being wants to resist that. I still feel capable of anything, but my mind and body tire more easily, so I can't push myself to do too much. It was trying to force my mind into something it is not that I think caused my break.

I'd like to point out what I mean by, "We can't see ourselves." You started of by saying that you have little or no consequences, but later you say you went to a doctor because your mind overrides your emotions and brain, so you had blood in your stool. I just want to point out that I didn't really have any major consequences at 26 either. I found a very positive way to view my bipolar at that age and actually enjoyed a great deal of it. So, I would find a way to not HAVE to push yourself so hard with mind over matter. Maybe not immediately, but I can testify, it doesn't get easier with age.

CBT has been the most helpful for me getting back to my normal hypo manic state. My therapist keeps trying to medicate me, because I come off so manic all the time, not so much anyone else would think it more than personality. I have become good and acting how I should, no matter how I feel. She had seen me in a mixed state and psychotic, so her fear of me going there again makes her want me medicated. Now, almost 4 months of hypo mania have passed, she sees that is my normal state. She is a bit less worried, but still concerned.  She can see that I am actively working on coping skills, it's not like Im not taking meds and just waiting to see what happens. I am actively mapping my mind to a positive state and have plans for anytime things get beyond my coping skills.

Personally, if I were you, I'd be looking into evidence based therapy. By changing your MO and thinking patterns, it sounds like your bipolar could be manageable, but I do think a time is coming you will have to take it seriously, not like a side thing you do after work. For me, being bipolar is my job, the rest of my work is what I do on the side. I could have convinced anyone I was fine at 26, but by my 40's, it was obvious I couldn't keep up with my own energetic mind anymore. Just a few things to think about, I hope you keep us posted.

[Farrenblackwell]

Well the thing is, I can't take the medication. Mood stabalizers or anything like that.  My job won't allow it, its alot like being in the military. The physician helped me understand that what I had wasn't in my head and an actual thing, but all the coping I've had to do on my own accord through studying research and personal accounts.to understand what I am and how to deal with it. Which is why I'm seeking additional information.

My psychologist is terrible though, I haven't been given any behavioral therapy. Did that myself too. She just basically asks me the same question as far as suicide and depression, which has nothing to do with it. And issues me meds I can no longer take based on what I tell her as far as its effectiveness.

I took the mood stabastabalizersstabalizers for around four months everyday without any sort of difference.

I would like to know what a DBSA support group is though.

[CRSeaside]

Hi. You sound like you've visited good Pdocs.
  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps your condition. It can be taught by a good Psycologist.
  Be patient with meds. It takes sometimes years to manipulate brain chemistry.
Also go to a DBSA support group. The people like us on Medhelp understand.  You'll learn a lot of coping skills.
  It takes hard work. A Dr's full cooperation and patience to be as healthy as possible. Thank you for your post.

[Farrenblackwell]

Ignore part of the top; i was talking to some dude that was going all existential and thought he could control his full mania with conversations with god. Decided to make my own topic.