Boyfriend of 8 months with Schizoaffective Disorder

[inviting]

Greetings I have been dating a man 48 (he's a little younger) with Schizoaffective Disorder.  He operates on a very high level of thinking.  He takes thorazine at bedtime, transadone to sleep, cholazapem and something else for elevated moods.........anyway, I seem to have trouble accepting it.  Almost as if I am trying to believe it can change and that he is over medicated.  He is highly intelligent, can not work (he is an attorney) and has not worked in 11 years ( he was hospitalized for a month - 2 x) anyway, he is kind, considerate, always there for me, seems more normal than me sometimes :) I have depression and anxiety.............I have been married 3 x have 2 kids - 12 and 21 and he has never been married and decided to not bring children into this world.  He has pain sometimes (mentally - usually late at night he'll call) and he says, I feel bad I have no children, or he worries about something all night.  He sleeps til sometimes 2 in the afternoon.  It's so hard for him, because he is a highly intelligent attorney and was top of his class, etc.  He is also a Real Estate Broker and Mortgage Broker............he tells me he can't work because it causes Stress, stress causes him to get SICK......................my question is..................am I wasting my time, am I not accepting this and should I move on or do I stay because he is the nicest man I have ever met, treats me with respect and love and kindness and is very spiritual..................I feel he is over medicated...........sometimes I talk to him during the day and it's almost as if he's spacing out..........I enjoy our times together, love, sex, he takes me out to dinner often, tries to make my life easier, listens to my complaints, etc., problems, and yet he hardly ever complains to me........but when he does, I can't seem to handle it............he adores my son - plays sports with him.....................I don't know - if I have a future, we talk about living together maybe someday within a year or less, but then I think..................he sleeps late and my life is revolved around my 12 year old and I get up to go to work early - which he does not.........HELP - I need advice.

He has never professed to make light of his condition - he makes it worse and tries to educate me on it.............I have choices I know, but I feel safe with him........................

[Crystlas]

OOPS!  I read the title after I posted and see you have been together for 8 months.  Still early in the relationship, but a good foundation.  Take it slow, give it time, if he has anything to hide it always comes out in the woodwork!

[Crystlas]

If you both make each other happy then enjoy the companionship.  If you never plan to get married, then you have no worries about having to share finances.  He is in charge of his and you, yours.  Therefore, there will be no problems with money.  However, if you choose to move in together, you have to think about how good of a partner he will be. Have you actually seen him be responsible with his home and his own finances, or is it what he tells you?  How do you know that he has all this money to support himself if he is not working?  If you choose to live together, will he pay his half of the bills?  Also, how long have you been together in order for you to really know this man?  You do have you and your son to protect and it sounds like you have been through enough to not want any more drama, if possible. If the questions I posted to you yeild positive answers, then I would enjoy your boyfriend and not worry too much.  Since he is being proactive with his illness, it means he cares about himself and his life.  Not many people with these disorders are diligent about taking care of themselves.  It is really sad.  I come in contact with a lot of fellow bipolars and majority of them are milking the illness for all they can.  I am like your boyfriend, I do whatever I can to work with my illness, not against it.  People like that make fine partners, despite the illness.  If someone chooses not to take care of themself and their illness, then there is a cause for worry!  BTW,  I know paranoia is a symptom of schizoaffective disorder.  Hope this helps!  

[inviting]

Thank you for your insightful comments.  Yes he is financially sound and is fine for himself.  But, not enough to take care of me and my son as well.....His money is tied up in Mutual Funds (family money that is protected for him)..........anyway, He is proactive in every possible way...........He has educated himself on reading about his illness for a long time, deals with it, takes the meds always, has tried to take less sometimes, goes to his Psych. and Psychologist regularly and well, he is alot saner than most men I have ever met.  He gets along so well with my son.  I would say that his only fault (if it is one) is that he can obsess about something minor for a long time and I have to assure him that it's fine...............it can be more of a paranoia............anyway, I'm trying..................I do love him and we get along so beautifully.  I am far from perfect and probably show more illness than most...........
I will read more about the illness - he hides nothing and tells me all the time and feels that I am in denial............He does not want to get married and neither do I, but cohabitating may be something for the future...........not sure - right now we are trying to see how it works with sleep overs - he sleeps later and I get up earlier. I would always have to work, since I don't have a retirement plan right n ow.  My ex royally screwed me with 2 kids - 1 who is now on her own and 21 - I'm so proud of - but I'm constantly in a battle with my ex and it's not an attractive package for me or anyone for that matter.  He listens to my complaining more than any man - he is so kind, spiritual and smart smart..........but...............he gets so sad that he can't work.  I try to think of ways for him to do something - perhaps internet related at his own pace.   Maybe down the road.

Thank you and best of luck to you.

Deninse

[Crystlas]

I know this is difficult for you, I can tell in your post.  Schizoaffective Disorder is very tricky to treat.  It is much more difficult to treat than Bipolar disorder.  It sounds as if he has battled the illness until he could not fight anymore.  He sounds like he was highly successful and did the best he could until having to take and early retirement.  I can empathize with him.  I am going to be the best social worker I can, for as long as I can, until my bipolar gets to the point that I can not work.  I am hoping that will not happen and I can retire with a fat IRA at 65!!  Anyhow, if he is financially sound, can be a good provider, and you both love each other, then you have to accept his illness or move on.  Only you can make that choice.  Have you read up on Schizoaffective?  Perhaps you should hit some good websites that teach about it, so that you can judge rather or not he is good for you.  Having mental illness is exhausting and a constant day to day battle.  However, there are things one can do to take care of themself and do the best they can.  For instance, before my diagnosis, I drank a lot of coffee, enjoyed getting tipsy occasionally and loved smoking marijauana.  When I was diagnosed I gave it all up.  Keeping the brains biochemistry as balanced as possible naturally, only helps the meds to work better.  I still have a cup of coffee, once in awhile, in the mornings, but that is it!  Is he taking care of himself?  Is he medication complient?  Is he financially sound?  Does he do the very best he can do?  Is he proactive in his treatment and therapy?  These are questions to ask yourself and might help you determine your answer.  Hope this helps!