Possible BiPolar spouse

[jaycee190]

Hello everyone

My wife and I have been together for 6 years and married for 4. We have two beautiful kids of the ages of 2 and 3. I am so stressed and at a lost what to do.

My wife didn't speak to her mother for 2 years all over a car seat. She's very good at putting a spin on things so that it always looks like everyone else is wrong and she's right. She dragged her mother through the dirt claiming her mother was trying to control her. I pushed and pushed for those 2 years for her to reach out to her mom and finally she did about 5 months ago.

Trying to have a conversation with her about our marriage is near impossible without her exploding and she starts telling me how I treat her so bad. She's a stay at home mom by the way. Recently she added her Ex boyfriend on Facebook who cheated on her years ago. He has one son is going through a divorce. I told her I wasn't okay with her talking to him. She flipped out and told me she's going to do what she wants to do and I was trying to control her. She has even Face-Timed with him. I got so irritated that I packed up my things and left. She has a friend she knew for about a year that she converses with on Facebook everyday. She tells this friend all about our marriage but with a twist so she looks like a poor soul. I have tried reaching out to this friend because the friend is doing more damage then good. This friend has pushed my wife to file for divorce and told her that I AM crazy and I need help.

My wife has told me that she has lost who she is. Since she has been talking to this "friend" who is big into tattoos and dying her hair all kinds of color, she now wants three more tattoos and has since dyed part of her hair blue. I have nothing wrong tattoos since I have two and my wife has two but I find this odd. My wife didn't know but I could see all of her messages between her and this friend because she left her messenger logged in on my iPad. This so called friend has told her to move to a different state and put our children on state assistance.

Whenever my wife talks to this friend or her mother she never tells the full story. I have reached out to the mother for help since she knows her daughter very well. She told me that she believes she is Bipolar because her father has also been diagnosed with it. Her mother is afraid to say anything to her because shes scared of being cut off again for two years.

She also opened a new phone plan in her name, leaving me with two phones iPhones I'm still paying for and a contract for two phones. I believe this was done so she could talk to the Ex and I wouldn't know since I wouldn't have access to phone records now. This is also the third time she's done this but with other guys. We had talked and I have since moved back home about two weeks ago and we were doing good until I saw she still had the Ex on her Facebook. I asked her again to remove him and she flew into a rage and said in front of our kids "Let me remove him so I can shut up your father up." She then twisted the whole thing and ran to her friend and told her that I'm back to being my controlling self. She's now beyond pissed at me and told her friend she doesn't know what to do but its past talking.

I love my wife to death and I wish I could get through to her. I have had family members and friends that know her say she seems Bipolar. I want to our marriage to work because I know who I fell in love with. But how do I get her to seek help? Let alone admit she has a problem? Her mother is afraid of her so she wont say anything. I feel very frustrated and alone. She has since blocked me on Facebook...because I told her friend is adding to the demise of our marriage. I told her I've seen things that were said before. So she has accused me of hacking and blocked me. I am just so tired of this so called "friend" because she's making things worst and doesn't really know my wife. I just need some advice...she came home today and accused me of taking her wedding ring that she left on the counter when she bathed the kids last night! When I told her I didn't have it she looked at me and said "I don't believe you." All of this hurts to the heart because I know I treat her good and I'm trying to keep this together but how long can I put up with this? What's my next step?

[jaycee190]

I'm sorry, in your response to your question about discussing finances together. Yes we were...then she switched after this last argument and all of a sudden every single thing was my responsibility.

[jaycee190]

You give very sound advice and I would like to once again say thank you. I did some research on NAMI in my area. They have a meeting next Monday that I'm considering going to.

I never want to give up on her or our kids. I think you are right on the passive aggression. I also had a rough child hood. I suffered from severe depression and PTSD. At 5 I buried my sister, witnessed and was subject to a lot of physical of verbal abuse from my father. Then at 14 I buried my brother. So I'm sure I carry some traits from my father and I fight everyday not to be that person. He passed away in 2013.

I think the one thing I have carried into our marriage is a quick mouth. I need to think more on what I am going to say before I react. The marriage counselor said that what she saw was when someone was talking the next person was just waiting to respond to what that person said instead of actually listening.

I always wanted better communication between my wife and I. Boundaries in our marriage when it came to other males and Ex relationships. Besides communication, we get along very well and I would even consider her my best friend. I have never done anything to break her trust though, where she has with me.

So I'm taking it that when she does begin to come around again that I am going to have to tackle everything head on. No sugar coating, just straight forward. Which I wont be going home until we come to a decision and solution together.

[persephonedemeter]

Well, I think it was a good thing you removed your Facebook account, Facebook and other social media accounts is not a favorable outlet or an asset when it comes to marital discord, and it is something lawyers, both defense  and prosecuting attorneys, besides a few unscrupulous people, love to access and present in court, especially, when it is completely public. It's like really easy garbage can hunting without any shredding going on.

If you read postings in any of the mental health forums, you will know what you are going through plays over and over again, and it is really hard, not only to have mental illness, but just as bad, and I think, really worse for the one who loves and cares about the person to be around it and try to assist, We don't get instructon manuals on a lot of things other than what we are exposed to and learn as kids and onwards.

The one thing that has to happen besides talking is listening. Seems like there is a lot of talking at, when talking is done at all, then there is listening, and good communication is both of them happening at the same time, when apologies happen, they are real when the ability to listen, take it in and realizing that the other person got hurt too, and wanting to work together on it  and to grow on it, that's an apology that is real and acts like a bridge. It is not just words to make the person feel better or to soothe things over.

I'll be honest. Most of the time, when situations like what you are in do end up with divorce. It's because the basic stuff like seeing there is a problem, good communication, willingness to try and also to see beyond our own hearts and minds, and mutual or common goal, and that it takes cooperation is missing. There are other things like expectations, previous life experiences, thinking and thoughtfullness, etc. but the basc stuff like listening and willing to listen and accepting what the other person has to say is worthwhile.

When the telphone calls change in nature, or the text, that is when you can respond. Otherwise, it is more of the same thing, You'll know. unfortunately, you are going to have to speak up for yourself. A non-confrontional approach doesn't do anything for a person without boundaries.  Complete freedom, strange to say, never feels safe, and it can get boring, besides have a potential for chaos. When a person goes into a psychiatric ward, there is alwaysa a review of rules, said to you, posted, or given as a phamplet and reminded when you cross them, intentionally or not intentionally, They are there to make people feel safe, more than it is fro control. It is oart of mental sheltering,

Who knows what will happen in the friendship between your wife, her friend and even the ex boyfriend, I am worried about the kids too, and as the father, you are entitiled to access to your children, That is why I brought up legal counsel.

You know, so far, she hasn't done anything except for really annoying, uncaring and very self centered behavior. She's 24. Six year ago, when you met her she was a teenager. You are young yourself. There are major problems here but it is still too early to give up hope. A lot of things can happen,

Did you call NAMI up or do anything that  was suggested.  I wouldn't give up seeing the kids either, but it isn't going to hurt you to take time out and not tslk to her yet. You are still smarting, and you need time. Even when you are there, you are at a distance anyway, only close enough to hurt each other. It also sounds like she isn't thinking very much, just riding the emotions. Not only that, but you are reacting too. It isn't just her. Or her friend, or her mother. Did the marriage counselor say anything about that?

It's hard, but I wouldn't give up hope yet. It's too early, Even with her sounding worse. Even with the strain in income. Are you making decisions together or even consulting one another these days. Besides that, why are you both going through each others laptops? Even married people need their own privacy and need their own space. There are boundary issues between the 2 of you on that alsoL Which is another good reason for you to not be at home, You have got some things to think about. It isn't only what has been going on between the 2 of you, but how you talk and treat each other. You may not be confrontational, but there is still conflict and a lot of passive agression,

[jaycee190]

In regards to the phone calls in the past...we always got back together and we were good. But she has never ever been this bad. It seems like she's getting worst when there's any conflict or disagreement. She becomes completely unreachable.

After treating me the way she did yesterday, she asked me while I was packing if I would watch the kids Saturday and Sunday so she can do her photography. I told her I can't guarantee anything, she asked why? I said because of this situation...I want to work things out with you. She said "no you don't." I said yes I do and she replies talking over me " I'm done talking goodbye." And slams the door. She becomes dismissive and we can't solve or talk about anything.

[jaycee190]

We had one real separation where I wasn't really talking to her and she finally broke down and called me at like 4:30AM crying apologizing. This was before we even had kids. I did write her friend once and tried to explain to her that there was two sides to every story and told her everything that was going on but she ignored me and wrote my wife telling her that "I'm not his friend."

A good example is the last night I slept there, I got dressed and left the house. Grabbed a burger and sat in a parking lot for 2 hours. I headed home, played with our kids for a bit then went to bed. She comes in the room with her laptop and phone, tells me I have to sleep on the couch. I said no I'm sleeping in the bed. It ends up going back and forth with her telling me it's her bed. I ignored her, so she begins to question where I went. I told her I got a burger. She accused me of trying to turn her mom against her then she leaves. I fell asleep and she comes in to get underwear for our son, turns on the light and leaves it on then slams the door. I got up turned it off and locked the door since she wanted to be childish. She comes banging on the door again as soon as I fell asleep. By the time I got to the door she already grabbed a butter knife and opened. All that just to use the bathroom when we have a guest bathroom.

She went to a doctors appointment the next morning and tried to hide her laptop but I found it. I got on and saw where she told her friend "Matt locked me out of the bedroom, so I had to sleep in the kids room." She failed to tell the whole story and I never locked the door after she used the bathroom. I would have loved if she came to bed with me. So I understand what you're saying about what she's telling the friend.

I feel like you might be saying even if she admits she has a problem that things will continue to end up like this. Which if that's the case it would be best to end it. I was hoping if I give her space and ignore her calls she can literally wake up and realize how she's been pushing me away. At that point I can try to get her help if she's willing. If not then it's no deal I'm not going back home.

I do miss our kids but I feel like if I go home to see them it's going to be a disaster. She slammed the door in my face when I tried to say bye to them before I left so I couldn't see them. If you know the kind of person I am you know that I'm non-confrontational. I have to much on my plate. As far as her telling her mother and friend about our therapy session, that ends up being counter productive. Because she then has her friend telling her that I'm the **** and bad husband, in marriage counseling neither side is going to like what the other person might say about them. But it's supposed to be a work in progress so we can be better for each other.

I haven't heard from her today but I recently got an email saying my Facebook password was changed. So I'm assuming she tried to access it since she has one of my email passwords. I actually deactivated my Facebook yesterday. I just don't want to deal with or see any social media.

[persephonedemeter]

Regarding the phone calls, read what youmwrote about getting phone calls like that in the past. It's happened before, and did anything happen and how did it make you feel afterwards.

[persephonedemeter]

You can only do what you can and do the best, sensible action from yourself, and gather knowledge and resources to help get it to a good outcome for all, and hope you get orbcome close to the solution you want or to a solution thatncan be worked on and evolved into something better. a lot of timess, it's a process that happens over time, especially with behavior and it takes consious effort and a willingness to do so. That is what you are up against. In yourself and in others,

[persephonedemeter]

You left the house because it became intolerable for you, and it was basically a "time out." You didn't leave the marriage or thebproblems. When you left, everything was up in the air, and it still is. If you are worried about bills and what happens nex, she is too. It was a game changer. when you start  a process to change, which included seeing the marriage counselor and walking out prior for 2 weeks before you went back to live in the house, and then, realized, nothing has changed, it started a while back. It was only a matter of time when you were going to head out the door again. Change is very uncomfotable because it isn't the same old, same old stuff where you have a general idea whatnto expect, settled for, and be comfortable with. Change, even for the good, is always scary with anxiety. You think about not only the good, but the bad things that can happen, and it doesn't just affect the 2 of you, but everyone involved.

I think it says something when people think a person has a mental illness, and follow that person's lead even though it goes against practicality or even sense. I think you are forgetting that your wife gave her friend the idea that you were making her a victim. If Imwas a friend of your wife, and I heard that constantly, Imwouod encourage her to divorce also. This is a mishappened web of things made by one spider, and it happens to be your wife who "twist things." If it took a car seat disagreement between mother amd daughter tomcause a rift for 2 years, and fear of bringing that back on, there is more than just the car seatngoing on there. Just like the issue about paying the rent. There is a lot to pick through, and since they've been going on for a long time, and the marriage came with baggage that is coming to a head with major strssors on board, like not being able to work, everything under the floorboards that was nailed down usually comes up. It doesn't help when even the floorboards warp and fight against each other and can't be nailed down shut again. The problems under the floorboards will need to be resolved and it tskes time. They have deadlines of their own.

As I said, take this time to strengthen yourself and allow clear thinking and clarity to happen. Even if you were at home, you were worried about divorce and trying to save a marriage. What are youmreally trying to save? Wife, marriage, children? What are your resources and do you have a general plan at this point? Are you strong enough mentally to go back into the spider's web and know how not to get caught in it? You're going tomhave to accept the fact that you get wrapped up in it and it's got a big hold on you because you decided that you have a lot to lose and every now and then, you just agitate the web and move around a little just to letnherbknow you arebstill there, and all she does is make that cocoon around you, just a little bit tighter, and this is a woman who is not coping very well.

is it possible to call the maarriage counselor and ask her what is her assessment and observation on that session.Also, Imdon't think there was anything really wrong with your wife confiding in hernmother or her friend about what happened in counselling unless itnwas specifically set as a condition  between the both of you that it was confidential. You also don't know how the info was really dished out or how extensively it was covered. All you have is your imagination and that yur mother in law said she knows everything that was discussed, You are spinning a few webs yourself.

You left to clear the air a bit, and likely not only for you butnalso for your wife, and that is hoping that each of youmcan see how things are and come to some sort of ground where the both of you can make a constructive move rather than the destructive and unhelpful actions, conditions (like your wife refusing tomtalk about marraiage issue, for example) and even nonactionsl Marriages only work and love only happens when there are 2 people nurturing and thriving it. Sooner or later it breaks down, The best thing you did was leave so that you can assess it from the outside  what the house looks like, what can be done, what it takes, what is there to build with. When you are drowning in the problem, it is pretty hard to see what is going on, and when it is a really big problem where you don"t have the knowledge or the tools to fix it, you get help you can count on. Other than that, you can stay there until the house falls down with the problem patched a bit or still running, and just hope that it holds up as long as it is there, especially when people in the house abuses or just challenges the situation's limits constantly, nobody bothers to give them any knowledgeable adivice or direction, or they don't bother to heed or read the instructions and totally ignore the flaws and vulnerabilities in the design,

To add to that you are also in a human situation, and human situations are never so concrete.

[jaycee190]

I hate to think that this can end up in divorce. With me being unemployed right now money is limited because of my work injury. It's been a long waiting game with my attorney getting the right information so I can see a doctor. I have so many bills and everything has been placed on my shoulders.

I want to take care of her and the kids but until she wakes up I don't feel comfortable paying rent which is due on the 9/1. God knows I am hoping she comes around before then so I can go back home to my family and get her help.

So do you think with me ignoring her calls and taking a stand that all of this with her "friend" who keeps fueling it, will all come to a head? Maybe the "friend" will realize something is up? Or she might turn on the "friend?" I have been wondering if the conversations with the "friend" will become boring since my wife will have nothing to report to her. That would allow my wife more time to stew and think for herself on what she did wrong instead of constantly having this other woman to stir the pot. I'm just trying to be very hopeful and hope our kids are okay. She didn't show any violent or hostile behavior towards them. Never really has.

[persephonedemeter]

No problem on my part in spending time. it would have helped me alot if I had known half the things I know now, when I went through it, When I mentioned legal counsel, I was thinking more in lines with consulting someone on what can be done for the present situation, like access to children, your legal rights and state rifhts for mental illness health, children  and such. I was thinking more to get information and knowledge about those things, I fully understand not wanting to rock the boat with legal involvement and "upping the antey."

Wow, the phone calls came sooner than I expected. Yes, it is pretty hard not to resoond to urgent calls like that. Usually, with ER urgency, they tell you want is going on rather than "bait" you to call them about it. I've gotten a lot of ER calls. Yes, definitely get a therapist to help you get through this, because I can see how it can eventually wear and tear you down, Also, you meed to come up with a olan to take care of yourself, like a daily routine. And like with people who have soonsors in AA, when they have trying moments when they feel very vulnerable or not sure what to do, someone to call to give you support, I have best friends who are sensible,practical, besides being experienced with crisis intervention. I basically just told them what is going on and that I am feeling conflicted, and they just give me the objective opinion, which was usually just say no, don't answer the phone ,and just tell him to leave, or do you need someone there. I am so glad you there family there taking you in.

i also jogged and exercised to get rid of anxiety and straighten out some of my thinking and problem solving, also to help me sleep sonIncan have a clearer view and a fresher mind. It is pure hell going through something hard  and turmoil runned down.Taking care of yourself wirh the basic acitiitives of daily living like food, sleep, hygiene and exercise..very important, especially sleep, because it really helps keeping up the emotional strength. That and keeping a job. Taking care of yourself and giving yourself firmer ground is going to help you alot.

[jaycee190]

She's done the phone trick once before when we were arguing in the past. Claimed she blacked out and woke up to the dog licking her and needed to go to the ER. I was on my way to my new patient visit that I couldn't miss. I feel like it's all manipulation to get me home.

[jaycee190]

I appreciate your time on all of this...thank you very much! I am staying with family close by. I never told her where I was going. Persephonedemeter, as I was reading your first post and I got to the part where you said not to play into the manipulation, my phone started ringing and it was her. She called me 13 times and one of those was a FaceTime call! I never responded. She resorted to texting me telling me to call her it's important. When I ignored she continued to call and text. She finally came out with "I have to go to the ER."

It grieved my heart but I couldn't feed into it. I've been gone a whole of 7 hours top. She finally responded with "and you say I'm the one that doesn't care." I hate doing this but I feel like I have to make her hit rock bottom so she can get help. Other wise I play into it and end up back home just for her to repeat all of this.

I agree that her mother is probably neutral and telling us both what we want to hear. That's why I'm also not going to entertain her. Her mom makes jokes that she dealt with her for all these years, now it's my turn. I don't find it funny because I would think she would want the best for her only child.

I am going to look up some psychiatrist in the morning and get the ball rolling so if and when she really comes around I can try and get her help. I will also check out NAMI and see if I can find any therapist for myself. I'm hoping it doesn't resort to a lawyer because I love her and our kids to much. I just hope I did the right thing by not answering her calls tonight.

[persephonedemeter]

Also, in response to your question about when she comes around to seeing a psychiatrist. Usually, it is very willingly, because the wall has been hit and it just got very, very scary and there feels like they have nothing left for fighting. Sometimes, it comes from just ending up in the ER, voluntarily or being picked up by the police or ambulance.

When you get a chance, look up some psychiatrists in the area, ask around for a good one. NAMI may have suggestions. Scout out through the web by just doing a search for psychiatrists in your area. To have the contact numbers, address, and whether they are available. Look up mental health clinics, Call and ask them what the procedure is for them to see someone in mental health crisis. You can even asks the therapist for such information, most usually work with psychiatrists anyway in the area. For example, I have psychiatrist and a therapist available to me who work with each other. For a while, I saw them both every week, and they talk to each other when they are concerned about something. It helps to be prepared. Just make up a folder (that your wife cannot access, by the way.) with a very boring title like "laundromats" or "publc transit." You are dealing with a paranoid person, afterall.

[persephonedemeter]

The other ally youmay want to consider and go over with a therapist is legal counsel or a lawyer.I suggest getting in touch with the National Alliance on Mental Illnesses (NAMI)to help you explore and direct you on such thing. They deal with things like this a lot. There is usually a chapter in the state you are in. There may be a chapter close by you, and at the very least, they can give you resources around your vicinity.

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry Jaycee, about the length, I didn't realize I wrote so much. Even more lengthier than I usual do:)

[persephonedemeter]

Hi. I didn't see your response inbetween my post and my finishing up post. I wouldn't try to anticipate that she won't want to see a psychiatrist yet. Like I said, this is the just taking care of yourself and watch and see time. it sounds like your wife is running around a lot in her head trying to figure herself out, and the fact that she has a lack of boundaries and even, indiscretion with what she posts on Facebook and with others, especially her "friend," will probably come to a head.

You know, I hear what you said about what your mother-in-law said and about her father, but I still don't think they are "objective" enough to make that kind of diagnosis, Nor friends that you talk to, or what. Read up on borderline personality disorder and read up on bipolar disorder. Then, you will see what I mean. They are almost similar, and then, they are not and treated somewhat differently, Just being family and living with a person with bipolar disorder doesn't qualify them to make that kind of diagnosis, especially, since your mother-in-law, like you, have an emotional and familial interest in your wife. The opinion gets clouded. So, I would just concentrate right now on what it is you can do to help the situation, instead of working with something that you really aren't in the position to make conclusions from and turn you head over and over on it, especially when your wide has no inclination at this  time to think that there is anything wrong with her. Also, since your mother-in-law wants to have a neutral position, and honestly, how she is interacting with your wife is unknown, She may be taking a neutral stance with you too. I always say that how people act has more volume than what they say. In other words, what people do matters more than what they say. It's a lot better when actions match up with the words.

Jaycee, I really feel for you. Partly because, unfortunately, I was in your shoes once, besides, seen it happen with other friends, and people who just got in my world and related it to me. It's very crazy making, and sometimes, you do wonder if you are the "crazy" one here or if you are losing it, but you are really just a person caught up in a very crazy making situation. It is even worse, when the person is someone who you truly love and there happens to be an "ally" of theirs who just keeps reinforcing the skewed perception.

Just seeing how you write and what you wrote down, I think you are being sensible, even selfless, but seriously, I suggested a therapist for you to help you make sense of things, give you emotional support because what you are going through is a big crisis and I don't want to see you get thrown in a tailspin on this. It really sounds like you need someone there for you who is objective and with your interest and welfare at heart, and can help you figure out and have someone who you can sound out things with. A therapist doesn't have the ability to prescribe meds, by the way, much like the marriage counselor. Only a psychiatist or a person with M.D. in back of their names can do that. I was more in line with thinking on having someone who can help you keep and gain strength in dealing with something so big, especially since it hits you at home and it involves people you love. Right now, your postings pretty much say you are overwhelmed, and being the only one dealing with it, suggests to me, you could use someone like a therapist to sort through all that hearsay, emotional upheavals and other things that you can't really control, especially, since you never been in this position before. Even I won't even try to sort things through without someone I can trust to give me really good advice and direction. Personally, It doesn't sound like you need medication, because of the way you express yourself in writing and what you say, However, I can understand where you would want to have something to medicate you, because of the turmoil that you are dealing with, and the hurting and pain you are going through:)

If you think about it, the relationship your wife has with this friend of hers, sounds a lot like how a teenager in high school would emulate and be very influenced strongly by another teenager, usually someone that parents don't approve of. Especially, since your wife said she felt lost. Just a thought.

On my part, I know bipolar disorder pretty intimately, just like a lot of people here, and, frankly, a lot of people, from all different walks of life, have given me really farfetched diagnoses, and some of them are people who know me, like my parents who don't think I have bipolar disorder still and think I was going through "a phase."  I know I have bipolar disorder, by the way. Spending decades sleeping and waking up with my mind and what I went through, tells me so, especially because the mood cycling really calls it, among other things. I would really be skeptical if anyone can diagnose me without actually talking to me, and asking me pointed questions on subtleties of the disorder. Also, I have friends who practice medicine (but are not paychiatrists), and even they would not dare to try to diagnose and treat me, although they can tell me what they suspect it, but they said they would have treated me for major depression, and one said for PMS.  That is all your mother-in-law is capable of doing..suspecting.

[Bubulous]

Good for you for not sticking around and taking the abuse.  Where did you go?

[jaycee190]

I hear you. And I truthfully wouldn't mind being checked out if it meant saving my marriage. If I had to be on meds so be it. But I have tried and tried. She's not willing to do any of that. But seeking our own support and counseling before diving into marriage counseling sounds like a good idea.

[persephonedemeter]

Sorry. Made an obvious error in the beginning of the last posting second paragraph. I meant to say that it is very unlikely she would think that she is the one who needs to seek professional help. (Even if it would be an excellent idea for her to see someone. Especially, if she feels lost.)

[jaycee190]

Thanks for your response, but say if she comes around...how would I even get her in to see a psychiatrist willingly so this does not keep happening over and over.  And it's not just me that thinks she may have that. Her own mother said the same thing, since her father was diagnosed with it. She does the things he did and still does.

[persephonedemeter]

sorry, sent by mistake above before finishing. I meant that they would want to see them in person and interview them for an hour to make a diagnosis. So, over the forum, won't be useful and would be kind of foolish. However, I will say that from what you written, I am not sure she has bipolar disorder. There are other likely diagnoses like borderline personality disorder, and others.

I know it is probably unlikely right now that she is the one who needs to seek out professional help. Unfortunately, I have lived long enough and lived interactively with people to seen this happen before, and every single situation was just as complicated and messy as your own. The only thing that I can say is that you really need to distance yourself from her like what you did by moving out, AND give a little more distance emotionally yourself, so that you don't get wound up and wind up being wounded in the whole crazy making business of this situation. Couples counseling may not be a good strategy right now. I think getting your own therapist for a little more emotional support with a little more objectiveness than what friends and family can offer would be ideal. Especially, when you are going through something called "gaslighting," which is a term derived from an old B&W movie called "Gaslight" but refers to a plot line in which a husband tried to make the woman think she was insane. (When really, it was the other way around, spoiler.) See how that goes first, and maybe it will lead you to be able to see better steps and see how this all plays out further, instead of trying to fix something that seems to bite back alot and, at this point, all you are doing is responding to whatever goes on. It may give you a better point of view to see how things go and also, so you don't be so vulnerable to emotional manipulations, paranoia, and other very counterproductive plays.

[persephonedemeter]

Hi Jaycee, you know, I don't think anything you do is going to look or sound good in your wife's eyes, and unfortunately, you don't really have any control over what information she gives out to others. I would suggest that whenever you say anyhing to her, it is at a need to know basis at this point. I understand how much you want to work things out, but it sounds like you need to protect yourself at this point and also, not feed into the spins or the behavior. I think moving out was the best thing you could do, especially, when the kids are being made to participate in adult issues they have no ability at their age to understand. It sounds like your wife has developed a lack of boundaries...of any kind, and that puts anyone as fair game in that respect. No one can live walking on eggshells, and moving out of there to defuse the situation a bit was the best thing you can do.

As to whether or not your wife has bipolar disorder, first, let me say that it would very inaccurate and very unwise to try to diagnose her through someone else's viewpoint (which is yours) and over the internet. Everyone who practices clinical psychology, therapy, or psychiatry would be way out of line to do that. They want to see the person in person and talk to them for

[jaycee190]

Even the look in her eyes when she looks at me,  I don't see the love. It's like a complete flip. Now she's going to tell everyone that I abandoned my family by just up and leaving.

[jaycee190]

Thank you for your response, the friend is probably in her early 30s. My wife is 24 and I am 27.  In the past year we have moved from Florida to South Carolina. It was her idea since she had visited and fell in love with it. She has a photography business that was doing well in Florida but since moving to South Carolina it's like starting all over.  She is very very spiteful and uses our kids as pawns so she will fight me to see my own kids. I was also recently hurt at work so I'm currently not working and waiting for our lawyer to take care of things, we both are looking for work in the mean time.

We went to one therapist session last week and I was told from her mother that she was telling her everything that was said. I know she's also told her "friend."  So it's all counter productive.

I went home today and noticed she threw all of my clothes on the floor instead of folding them. I decided to cook dinner for all of us and my daughter asked my wife for water, I grabbed her cup to refill it and my wife said she will do it but when i insisted she said "it's about time you do something." It didn't stop there though. I dropped the AC because I was hot and she came out and asked if I touched it? I said yeah I'm hot. She bumped it back to 75 and told me not to touch it. At that point I decided I had to go. I packed up all my stuff and left. I went to say goodbye to my kids and she slammed the door in my face so I couldn't see them.  She becomes a different person and twist all these stories for sympathy. I'm worried about her and I really want to work out. But I can't stick around and be treated like this.