4 months into Diagnose --Slow progress

[vsantos]

Hi everyone,

   I've been 'bothering' everyone with all these question as I go along with my Husbands' recent Bipolar Dis diagnose.
   Long story short, he was diagnosed 4 months ago after going into his first full Manic Episode which led him to try to commit suicide. He also was extremely Psychotic and only now 3 months into taking Depakote + Risperdal he feels better...but he not even close to being the productive, happy person I've known for 12 years.
    He is unemployed, and he knows my salary can't pay for all the bills but I also know that this is not even a 'priority' for him now since his state of mind still a bit 'off' / 'numb' 'confused' ....During his psychotic phase I became his #1 enemy but gradually as the months went by and the medication started kicking in he started treating me a bit better...He moved out 2 months ago, but he moved back (thank God) 2 weeks ago.
  As far as our man to woman relationship, it is Non-existent now...but I am giving him the space and the 'silence' he needs (no question asked / no pressuring) ...Oh My, I never thought I loved this man so much, all the patience and care I've been giving him...
    But my question is...now that he is feeling a bit better, not psychotic anymore and his mood is almost but stabilized...I feel he is still so lost, not knowing what to do next, confused about the future, confused about my Role in his life....Do I just give more time, I don’t want to have a serious conversation with him at this point about relationship, or our finances because I already noticed that he still is extremely sensitive to stress...
   What do I do? Why is he still so lost after 4 long months of getting diagnosed and being on Meds?
   Thank you all so much for all your support and words of wisdom!
   A very dedicated wife.....

[kathy434]

Experiencing a total manic state, where one feels like suicide, is a major stress on the body.  One actually feels like one went into major shock and this can take months to weather through, if not a year or more.  It is a terrible feeling to be going through, for him, right now.  He just needs your love and loyalty, and a normal lifestyle at home.  Don't put one demand on him at this point.  He is still emotionally fragile.
He may never recoup to the person he once was. This is not an illness like the flu where you just get over it and things return to the usual.  Expect that he is not going to be the same as before.  This is an ongoing illness that he has no control over, except to take his medications and visit his mental health provider as scheduled.  Make sure he gets to these appointments.  He inherited this illness.  He didn't cause it himself.  You must understand this.  He doesn't want this illness any more than you do.  He is suffering horribly.  It is not fun.
As for sex, his illness right now has killed his desire.  He is just trying to stay alive.  Also his medications can lower sexual desire.  Don't expect a lot from him for awhile.  He doesn't have it to give.  He is ill.
Stress is a huge trigger for those with Bipolar 1.  He needs to have as stress-free a life as possible.  This may include no job for awhile, until he feels he would like to do something again.  But it may not be the old job he had.  He may need to apply for Social Security Disability.  Get this started right away as it takes several tries before they decide he is truly sick enough to get it.  If he finds he would like to work again, that will be alright.
Please understand this.  He did not bring this upon himself, nor is he enjoying one second of his life right now.  He does not need to be in deep discussions about the relationship and certainly not the finances.  It may just make him feel like a total failure and he would only blame himself for something he had absolutely no control over.
Like you have come here for some understanding, he is finding some comfort in his companion and maybe this helps him feel like he is not so alone.  This is a very lonely illness.  So learn everything you can so you don't feel scared, but you have total respect for this illness, and for your husband.  He really needs your love, care, loyalty, generosity, patience, calm.  What I have said will not cure his illness.  But it will go a long way in making his life worth living.  Don't walk on eggshells, but keep his level of stress to a minimum.

[bernie40]

Hi V,  what your saying reminds me so much of how I was when I first diagnosed.  Try not to be overly concerned about his new friend.  He is turning to this person because he feels an affinity with him, this is someone who is also bipolar and in your husbands mind this person is the only person who really truly understands.  I turned to this forum, i spent hour after hour on here for a long long time - it consumed me.  My husband hated it but for me it was a comfort because on here I was talking to people who truly understood me.  However as I began to become more and more stable I spent less time on here.  I pop in now maybe only a couple of times a week to check on old friends and when I can to see if I can offer advice.  It is now a healthy relationship, lol.

So glad you've got lots of support, remember to let your husband work through this at his own pace, it may seem painfully slow to you and his family but for him it is the difference between getting better or falling backwards.

Take care and all the best :-)

[vsantos]

Thank you for your responses.

   And just so you know I do have a wonderful Psychologist I see every week who has great experience with Bipolar....and I have a wonderful family that is supporting me through this 'journey'. And thank God his family is helping me a lot too!!!!
   But I believe his 'new' friend who is Bipolar and suffers from Clinical Depression isn't helping with his overall progress...He has isolated himself from his Real friends and found 'comfort in this person who is extremely Ill (not being treated)...we do all we can at home, provide him with a safe , healthy environment...but the moment he hangs out with this person he is a changed person...and there is nothing his father and I can do or say, we fear he'll get angry at us and shut down even more!
   I guess Patience and Love is the name of the  Game : )
   V

[bernie40]

I agree with Xila.  4 months is no time at all, for some it can take years and they will never be the same person.  It could be the side effects from his meds that are making him appear lost.  I know that my husband said that on one of the meds I tried I would sit emotionless, no expressions on my face, not happy not sad, just nothing.  A change in meds did help.  It's took me over 2 years to become secure in myself again.  It's a big shock to be told you have bipolar, you question everything that has gone before and have to search for who you are.  Adjustment times are different for everyone.

I would say it is too early for him to even think about returning to work, this is something that will be discussed with his psych obviously.

You're doing a great job, you have taken on the role of carer at the moment and this can be difficult for both you and him.  As he begins to improve so the relationship will shift again.  I would seriously advise you to seek support/counselling for yourself as this is not an easy thing to go through.

Bear with him hon but honestly please also get support for you. xxx

[Xila31]

Hi, you're not bothering us. :D

I will tell you that he is probably still lost even though feeling better. I would say that perhaps you could ask to attend his psychiatrist and see where everything is at the moment. Finding a job in his state, especially in this economy, could be hard. He may never be the man you knew before. He may never be able to hold a full time job. He may need disability.

But, I think if the love and care is there, then your relationship will get back on track. I think you're doing the right thing of not being pushy. Love him for him and take care of yourself. You are on a long road full of unknowns. The thing he needs most is to know you are there and love him.