Does anyone know what this is?

[LifeisGood342]

Hello

I wonder whether anyone could give me their perspective on something I’ve been experiencing for a few years?  

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a couple of years ago.  At first I was taking Depakote, and then switched to Lithium in Feb this year.

For the past few years I have been experiencing ‘episodes’, which I will describe more fully below.  The episodes have become slightly less worrying since taking the Depakote / Lithium, so the meds do seem to be helping.  They are still happening though, and I’m also puzzled as to what I am experiencing.  

These episodes tend to be triggered by me feeling like my husband has a bad opinion of me, or something has happened that I believe has changed his feelings towards me for the worse; feeling that our daughter is ‘getting me into trouble’, and making me look bad to my husband; feeling that my daughter is stressing my husband out and making him ill, and that it’s my fault for not handling the situation right.

My thoughts and feelings tend to go through a certain pattern when I am in this state.

i) First my inner voice torments me (not an external voice!):  I’m a liability.  I’m just no good and don’t deserve to be in this world.  My husband would have been better off never meeting me, and our daughter would be better having another mother.  I’m just failing her, and failing my husband.  Who am I kidding that I could be a parent, a wife, hold down a job, and have a normal life?

ii) Then things start to feel more hazy and unreal; my memories from this stage onwards are that everything is black, like I’m in some kind of black hole:  I ‘realise’ then that my life is not real; none of it is real.  It’s all been orchestrated to make me fail so I will see how useless and how much of a failure I really am.  

iii) Someone’s doing this to me, punishing me, trying to make me see.

iv) I’m just bad through and through. My blood is bad and it’s running through my veins.  I’m being punished by someone, and I deserve it.  

v) I want them to stop; its torture and I can’t stand it anymore, and I don’t know who is doing this, or what to do to make them stop.  I just want them to stop.

At this point I feel total anguish and torture; incapable of rational thought. I could literally do anything, acting on impulse.  My head feels like it is vibrating and buzzing.

I just want to find a way of making it stop.

First I direct it at myself.  I start tearing at myself, wanting to pull bits off myself, like my hair, my face, my arms.  Then I begin to punch myself and kick myself until I bruise.

Then I try to escape the torture.  I have nearly driven my car into a brick wall; nearly ran off a train station platform; ran through the streets at top speed screaming, running away blindly.

I just want to escape the feeling, because it is absolutely unbearable.  It is worse and more intense than any depression I have had.  Just pure torture, so acute, and I can’t actually put across how terrible and intense it is.  I really can’t stand it.

I have stopped short of doing anything truly dangerous, such as running on to the rail tracks, or crashing into a wall.  I’m not sure what makes me stop.  I just stop, which tells me that my subconscious is still operating, like an autopilot that will kick in at the last minute.  Even when the autopilot has kicked in, I still feel the anguish, and still feel in this ‘state’ but it’s almost as if I’m paralysed.  I just sit there, buzzing and in pain, but unable to say anything or think anything.  

Since taking Depakote and now Lithium, the autopilot kicks in at an earlier stage, so that I’ve not actually hit myself, or carried out any of the escape behaviours since taking them.  Instead I tend to automatically go to my husband and lie down, wherever he is, because I know he wouldn’t let me hit myself.  I also get comfort from him being there, and start to come round.

Once it is all over, I’m exhausted and emotional.  It’s all a bit of a blur, and it doesn’t seem like it really happened, but I know it did.  Like after a manic episode; it’s a similar feeling.  I feel guilty if I’ve upset my daughter or husband.  One of the other things I do in this state is say upsetting and inappropriate things to people, that in a rational state of mind I would never say. I don’t know where it all comes from.

Even though I am managing not to do anything dangerous or hit myself since being on the meds, I am totally reliant on the ‘autopilot’ kicking in.  I don’t know where this autopilot comes from.  It is not a conscious process.  

What if it doesn’t kick in next time?

I should point out that these episodes can come from nowhere, I can be really happy one minute , and then something will trigger it and it starts.  They are more prevalent during a manic or hypomanic phase though. The episodes tend to last around an hour.

Does anyone know what these episodes are, and whether they are linked to my bipolar disorder?  Does anyone else have them?

Also it seemed to be better when I was on Depakote rather than Lithium.

Sorry it’s a long one; thank you to anyone who read it.

xx

[LifeisGood342]

Thank you all for your replies.

UnpredictableOne you seem to understand perfectly what I'm going through.  

Thankfully, I do have support; my husband is wonderful and I'm very lucky to have him.  The self-loathing did make me shut him out.  I couldn't accept any kindness, because I hated myself too much to allow it. Now, since taking meds, something kicks in and I am able to go to him, on 'autopilot', when things get really bad. It stops me being violent towards myself or trying to escape. Him being there makes me feel safe.

I can't speak to him at that time, because my head is in so much chaos. I can't get many words out. I just ride it out, but he's there. The analogy with the balloon and the string is a good one. That is exactly how I feel when I know he's there.  I know I will come back.

I think I need to catch it earlier, then perhaps I won't get to the self-loathing stage. He is going to help me figure it out, and hopefully the doc can suggest something.

The doc has previously suggested antipsychotics, because I have regular paranoia, aside from these intense episodes. I turned them down though, because I don't like the idea of the side-effects.

Are there any I could take only when I need to, and not everyday?

Carabeara, I was on both depakote and lithium for a while, when I was switching to lithium, but I felt pretty bad. I couldn't think straight. I felt better when I dropped the depakote.  Depakote on its own was good, but my hair was falling out badly, so I had to stop. It was a shame, because it sorted my general paranoia out, and was better at controlling these intense episodes than lithium.

I am on quite a low dose of lithium though; my blood level is only 0.5.  I was resisting a higher dose because my mania is ok at that level, and I don't want to take more than I need.

Perhaps I need to increase. I will see what the doc says.

Thank you once again; it helps so much to know that other people understand.

xx

[carabeara]

it sounds like you are having mania in a mixed state.  deptakote and lithium combined can have better effect than just one.  why did you switch to lithium?  were you having side effects with the depakote?

[inga511]

Hi, first I would like to say I know people who like lithium but I lost my cookies on it and ended up in the psych ward. The first thing that comes to mind  when reading your post is it is definately time for a medication change.Rule of thumb with BP: Anytime you think about death: time for medication change-but I'm not a Doctor. There are so many good BP drugs out there- I have been on all of them, by the way. By trial and error you will find the right one and soon will be feeling right as rain. Just hang in there. It takes patients and diligence for you and your husband.

[Sparty74]

Thanks for sharing your experiences -- my daughter has BP and has experienced some of what you described..nearly committing suicide early this summer.  She's doing much better -- thanks to dialectal behavior therapy and a better drug regimen.  I'm glad you have scheduled your appointment and wish you the best.

[LifeisGood342]

Thank you both for taking the time to reply.  I have spoken to my psychiatrist, and he is going to send me an appointment card so that I can be reassessed.

xx

[wj74]

Don't forget to mention this to the doc. :)

[adel_ezz]

your post is quite interesting. I liked it and can be made a film by Hitchcock. What you describe is very real and i am sure is related to your BP. Psychosis is 3 stages: paranoia, delusions and hallucinations or the 3 combined.

Along with them comes anger and self repent and vengeance. So it's good you take your depakote and lithium. Continue with them.

As to whether others had felt this way. Indeed with variations. After an attack i also feel so exhausted as if i was on a dangerous trip or falling off the top of a mountain.

In the old days, they used exorcists for BP in fact my family when i first fell ill thought of them, because i told them it's not me who behaves this way but i am under the control of someone else.

don't worry, things will improve