How do you make it work with a Bi-Polar Spuose

[sugarhea]

How does one who is not bi-polar, make a marriage work with someone who is? My husband is bi-polar and angry, very paranoid and depressed. This is my story...My husband and I have been together for over 14 years...married for over 11 of them. He was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder approximately 2 years after we were married. It wasn't a big surprise because it was only confirming what we kind of already knew. He was self employed so I had to carry him on my insurance through my employer until it cost almost $700 a month, which was over 1/3 of my entire monthly income. I had to drop him from my insurance and he never forgave me for it. But it was so costly and he had already stopped taking his meds and stopped attending his doctor appointments before the thought of dropping him came up. All these years he has not had meds other than self medicating with alcohol, marijuana and cocaine on occasion. Anyhow, after several years (2008) we finally split due to the fact that I caught him texting another woman. He denied ever having a physical relationship with her but I kicked him out of our house anyhow. He got his own apartment. We saw each other off and on but I was so angry at him that it often would end in fights. The relationship was not always bad! He was my best friend and we had the most fun together, just the two of us almost always! But in 2010 he decided to start divorce proceedings and I agreed although it was extremely painful. Once the paperwork was drawn up he spooked and never filed it but In order to clear his guilty conscience, proceeded to tell me that he had in fact slept with the woman who I caught him texting. Needless to say, I finished and filed the divorce!  Over the next couple years he kept trying to pursue me but I refused. I had never felt so hurt in my life. After countless attempts to see me I finally gave in and had lunch with him. I had missed him so much and was glad I did it. He seemed better. At the time I had also found out that something went wrong with our divorce and it was never final...we were still married! I took it as a sign that we were supposed to be together! I decided to surprise him that night and stop by his apartment, but to my surprise, he had a woman and her child living with him! I was crushed!! To make a longer story short....that relationship ended with her and we once again tried to make it work on several different occasions. We still lived apart at the time but we would try to live together and he would leave every other week or two an then come back. By now he had become so paranoid and jealous that the slightest thing set him off into a jealous frenzy! If I had a different type of coffee or washed the sheets on a day that he happened to come over, etc. he assumed it was because of another man! Now some of you may find it hard to believe, but I never once moved on and had another relationship or even casual sex with another man since before he and I met. However, he believes with all of his heart and soul that he has seen evidence of another man. It got so bad, that ever single time he was in my presence, he would find some clue, some evidence that I was screwing someone else behind his back! He also has trouble sleeping! He will wake up from a dead sleep and just start cussing and grunting and grumbling. It wakes me up and gives me extreme anxiety because I feel an ager outburst coming on. Sometimes he just wants me to rub his head until he falls asleep! Mind you, I am a diabetic and am always exhausted and NEED as much sleep as I can get. I get very irritated when my sleep is interrupted constantly night after night! He gets even more angry when I am unable to stay awake and deal with his ranting and always makes me feel guilty by constantly telling me that I just cant handle his illness and God has someone out there for him that will! Am I being unreasonable? Should I be able to put up with this? He is a sick man!! I know it seems ridiculous but to this day, even after all he has put me through, I still love him and want to try and make it work...but am running out of patience! He makes me feel worthless, like a liar and a ***** almost everyday of my life. I am trying to be understanding because I know he is sick and I feel so guilty because I made a vow as a wife to be there through sickness and health but when does the line get drawn between sickness and abuse?! I just don't know what to do anymore! The guilt consumes me because I feel as though I am abandoning someone I love who is extremely ill and needs me! Anyone have an advise or can tell me if I am doing he right thing if I leave him for good?  

[TheLightSeeker]

Thanks for your kind words,
and you are certainly blessed with wisdom!

Blessings!
Love&Light.
Niko

[KimStuart]

Hi Light,

Very neatly summed up. So much wisdom in such few words. Esp. the "Two destroyed lives are too much in my opinion." - not just your opinion. I agree whole- heartedly.

A break- up is always accompanied by heartache, but the healing part brings so many new, and if you choose, beautiful opportunities. :)

Sugar: Keep in touch and let us know what you need. We're listening.


x
K

[TheLightSeeker]

Hey sugarhea, I feel for you girl.
He's the only man you have loved, and yet you know he's unable to make any serious commitment in this relationship, because he's unable to make a commitment to himself, to get proper treatment and stick with it.
And he has anger issues, fidelity issues, all way beyond what your love and patience can ever remedy!
As both Kim and Crystal suggested, you both need serious counselling and if he refuses counselling and treatment- despite the fact that you may say that this refusal is part of his Bi-polar, he still has free will and choices!!!-then it is all in your hands.
Stay with him because of guilt and pity and continue on the current path or let him go-with dignity and clarity that you did MORE than enough- and move on with your life.
You still have a chance to start over ,if you were to choose the latter, even if you may not think so right now. But you know you deserve better.
Two destroyed lives are too much in my opinion.

Wish you strength and wisdom to make the right decisions.

God bless.
Love & Light
Niko

[KimStuart]

Hi Sugar,

Aside from the bipo, jealousy is one of the most difficult things to deal with in a relationship and unfortunately generally comes from the offender as they are afraid it'll be done to them too. It becomes terribly unhealthy for both of you.

The on/off should already tell you something...not to even talking about the cheating? How on earth can you cheat if you love and respect someone? maybe the word respect should be the one to focus on.  and on your side ..don't stay with a person out of pity. What kind of love does that become?

Yes, sometimes promiscuity can be a part of the manic cycle, but then you opt to stay out of a relationship until you've sorted yourself out!!

I agree with Crystal: If he is not willing to work at it (and he proves that by ignoring treatment (medical or other), how on earth is this going to work?  There are two people in a relationship. 2. and both need to work at it. That way you can also enjoy when the relationship is working. It must be terribly painful and lonely where you are right now.

He needs to take responsibility. which he doesn't. and unfortunately it also needs to come from him. He needs to want it. He needs to want to function normally (or as close as it gets to that.)  If it is you who is pushing then, then you never know if he'll keep to it.

I wish you so much strength!
Keep your head up.. :)

Kim

[Crystal413]

No, you are not being unreasonable. I think at this point you are just enabling your husband (and not on purpose). Do a little research on that topic. Your husband sounds like classic bipolar. The symptoms and episodes can very so from person to person.  His actions are evident. Insomnia is so common. In order for him to manage his bipolar and have any kind of a "normal" life, he must be treated. He is only hurting the both of you by ignoring treatment. He sounds like he most definetly needs medication, a Pcsychiatrist and therapy. I think therapy woul be very helpful to you too. You have gone thru so much. I would insist he be in treatment otherwise you can't live this way any longer. This is my opinion. I hope it helps. I wish you well.