Disengaged at work - so I'm told

[BeeKeeper]

This is really driving me mad!  I was just pulled into the CIO's office and told that I appear unhappy and I'm disengaged at work - not contributing to my staff or senior management.  I was told these exact same words two years ago.  I was told I "wasn't happy enough".  that time I went off on a VP in a manic anger sayng it wasn't really any of their business if I was happy enough if I was doing the job.

Now I'm just depressed as hell.  I don't want to - and can't afford to - lose this job.  I've been fighting depression for weeks due to other things going on in my life and I am always in this state of suicidal ideation.

What am I suppose to do?  I can't be all happy and engaging when I want to just go into a dark cave.  therapy doesn't work, I'm tired of trying this medication and that.  I just can't believe I'm back "here" again.  This is just so incredibly frustrating as I have been trying really hard not to let my mental state show through in this job and stay on an even keel.

Really makes me wander if an even keel in work/life is possible...and if not...what do you do?

[helpinghousemates]

dont think of life as how you survived the storm, remember dancing in the rain!!
try to make a list of positive things in your life and focus on them. time heas all things =D

[Xila31]

I myself worry about these things. I know that I can't tell how bad my cycles are until I get out on the other side. When I think I'm "fine" and "hiding things well" I am also wondering if maybe that isn't true. I know I get paranoia. I start thinking if two people are whispering they must be talking about me, etc. I know that I get into mixed frenzies and can cry at the drop of the hat, can't think clearly, can't focus, and am just so irritated and uhappy, I can't even describe it. But I need to be "put together" and be the "face" of our office, and not be "over emotional." So, the stress of trying to bottle up all of it plus the stress of work makes me go into spirals of feeling like I'm losing my mind. :(

But, I don't know if it is their place to tell you to be "happier." I mean, if you're being "emotional" like crying in front of everyone I can see that people would complain. Maybe just make sure you're smiling, even forced, at people? Maybe not everyone but the ones that you know are watching you? I know that sounds stupid. But, I try to smile and wave at everyone at work no matter how bad I feel. I try to say at least "good morning" or if I can't force it, at least wave. I know these sounds like dumb things, but looking like you're "trying" might be better than nothing? That's all I can suggest. I don't think there is such a thing as an even keel. The only thing I can think is there is the surface, and then the water below. And that surface has to look like calm swimming pool even though below looks like river rapids and sea monsters.