I am ready, Hold my hand?

[keonsmommie]

          I have been suffering from bi-polar for years and years apparently. I have been out of control at times whether it be "good" or "bad". I dont think that Bi-polar is caused by early life trauma, abuse, and teror, but I do know that it caused me for a long time, to not even consider that I could have a disorder. I just thought I was a loser, and that I had no other choice, it was just who I am.
          At any rate, I went through life acting and being treated like the wild animal that I was. I abused my self, my one and only loved one, and drugs of any kind. And yet, I still never thought that I could have had a problem. I just chalked it up to being unable to handle life and put another loser notch in my belt. I can even look back now and see before the drugs and alcohol and there were little signs. I was smart, but I could not stop my brain long enough to do any school work, or even read for longer than 5 minutes. I was a class clown and spent all of my time hanging from the light fixrtures and in the principles office. I wanted to stop, but life kept flying by. It was as if I was spinning in a circle with my eyes open, and every once and a while I caught a glimpse of someone or something that I wanted to love. Ofcourse we all know that no matter how bad we want to love something, we cant stand still, or stay above water long enough not to screw it up.
          Eventually (dont worry I wont take much longer) while on drugs, my "fast times" became more dangerous for me and everyone around me. I became very reckless, violent, hurtful, and I had no regaurd for my own saftey. Every once and a while I could stop long enough to say, what the hell am I doing?! But before I had a chance to figure it out, I was spinning again. I remember some days waking up and "friends" telling me what I had done the night before and I was shocked. Even sober I would have memory loss, or it just all went so fast I didnt even know it was real.
          Finally in jail (surprise, surprise) some one told me about Bi-Polar Disorder, and I went to the doctor there. I was diagnosed and prescribed 1200 mgs Lithium. For a while things were okay, although now I didnt have my fast times, I would become so depressed that I wouldn't even move for days.
So this, in a nut shell, has been my life. Take pills, swear they dont work, stop the pills, hurt someone go back on the pills. This latest crap, is this Cymbalta death wish they put me on for my deppression.Well, it has to be approved by the state and they were always three or four days late with my clearance, so I would withdrawl for that time period. If anyone has ever been on that drug you know that the withdrawl makes you far more unsure of reality than Bi-Polar ever did! It is physically and mentally painfull and draining. So it was my genius idea to also stop my Lithium, because pills were now my enemy.
          So there I sat loosing my mind, trying yet again to do this myself.
          I know this sounds rediculous, but for the very first time, today, I realised, this is serious. I dont think I can do this anymore. I need help. Just yesterday, I was convinced that I could step on my dog to stop him from barking and that I would not miss him one bit. Ofcourse, I dont think I would do it, but I dont want to find out! As I sit here writing this I look over at my little fuzz ball and cant picture even being upset with him.
Part of what made me so scared to tell doctors and other people how bad it was, was that I have a five year old Autistic son. I know in my "real" mind I would never hurt him and that I love him. But I notice now that when I am "Angry Me" I truely do not feel the same amount of love for him.
          I am just now able to admit that I am two different people, one is caring, kind, wants to save the world. The other is this hurtful, angry, and cold person that could cause great pain with no remourse. I am scared of who I have become. I want to be the person that I know I really am, the nice girl.
I know that you all are not doctors, but I feel as if that may even be better here. I just need someone to tell me that I do stand a chance in this fight.
          I am so hopeless, none of the pills I have taken make enough difference, I know most of the work will come from within, but I dont even know where to start. I cant work because I never know who Ill be when I wake up in the morning, I just want to be someone my son can be proud to call mommy(even though he cannot speak).
          I guess I am coming here with the hopes that someone who feels just like I did, or do, can lead me in the right direction. Maybe we can help each other.
          Like I said, it was almost as if I was just sitting here and realised, this is real. I have Bi-Polar Disorder. And not the one that everyone thinks they have everytime they have a bad mood. The actual, two people, cant control myself, lonely, and scary one. I also realised that I can't fight this alone, I have tried all my life and it has become obvious that I need more than I can give.
         Thank you to anyone who actually read this, and I hope that who ever you are, you are feeling better.

[run4you]

You know, they say that autism is like riding a rollercoaster... and separately, you always hear that bipolar is like a pendulum.

Sometimes I picture myself as a pendulum on a rollercoaster, and suddenly it makes sense why I have such a hard time holding everything together!

[lindahand]

Sometimes it takes a long time to get the right mix of medications. You don't mention lamotrigine and that is one they are using now and it has fewer side effects for most people. Their is also depakene, and abilify and ziprexa. There are others too. It isn't lithium or nothing. Part of it is choice too. The side effects from medications are harsh but only you can decide if the side effects are worth the sanity.

Its taken me over three years to get a mix that works okay. I have ultridian cycling (changing moods in a day or two. sometimes in the middle of a day. Weird experience) so it is one of the hardest to treat. At least on this combination I feel like myself most of the time and not some frantic lunatic.

I do suggest printing this post off and placing it in an easily accessible place to remind yourself of what you believe when stable.

Not getting the highs or the super energy days is harsh, but it is worth it because it prevents the crushing lows.

[keonsmommie]

Thank you so much for your kind words! You made me tear up. Something I could not do when on my meds. I am encouraged by your story, the fact that we have so much in common. You know exactly how it feels to find yourself so stressed out with your children. Children without Autism are stressful enough, but add an element of frustration from lack of communication and understanding, and my Bi Polar and you have a cocktail for disaster.
I was an abused child so thankfully I know what it feels like to be hurt, physically and mentally. The one fortunate thing in my situation is that because of my childhood, I would and have never even considered hitting or humiliating my son, not matter how evil my day is going.
I appreciate your invite to talk. I may just take you up oin that!  Thank you again, I hope that all is well. Peace today, in everyway.

[run4you]

I understand on so many levels.

I, too, denied my bipolar... got treatment, stopped for 8 years... then realized I was only fooling myself (and hurting everyone) and that I needed to just take care of it.

I hated the swings, not knowing who I was going to be - and I hated that my kids didn't know who I was going to be - the super fun hyper mommy or the short fused snappy mommy.

I get those bouts of rage, too, and they scare me. I've (luckily) never acted on them.

And, I, too, have a little man with autism. I do want to tell you to have hope - my guy didn't say a single word until he was over 3. At 5, he never stops talking. His therapists told me that he was mentally disabled (they were thinking very low IQ). He is in PreK and has mastered the K curriculum entirely and knows how to spell most of my first grader's words. Appearances are deceiving with autism - there is so, so much more in there that is constantly learning and taking every ounce of everything in... which means you need help to help him.

I'll hold your hand :)  Feel free to PM me anytime. I know it's not easy to get started, but you're for sure on the right track.