I kindof regret this

[Alex_X_18]

So I joined my support group about eight or nine months ago,
It was one of the best things I could have done.
The group was for young adults 18-25 and as it turned out it happened to be
only 15 minutes away from where I currently live.
My first meeting they wanted to know details about me
I told them I was young, diabetic, bipolar, and that I'm an interpreting major.
Thats when someone in the group from across the room said he was hard of hearing so I asked him
if he signed he said yes I do.

     When the meeting finished I was waiting for my mom to pick me up
when I struck up a conversation with the hard of hearing guy in the group
we introduced ourselves gave out our sign names and he told quite an intresting story about
how he had been given his by the deaf community; And yes, we were both bipolar.
We exchanged numbers and went home.....
about a week later he texted then he called wanted to know if I wanted to meetup at the local
mall and I agreed.

     As time went on we formed a friendship (both in and outside of the group) since he knew where I lived and it was on his way home would often chat after group go grab a bite to eat or simply talk....then he would drop me off....
we would meetup at random times hangout...but after a few months something changed.
when me and my last ex brokeup I was depressed

     ...I started hanging out with friends alot trying to cover up that
pain that I had felt. Thats when it seemed like me and him started getting closer somehow....
We went out to a Deaf social togeather but after that he took me to a bar he knew would sever minors and paid for us a few drinks. thats when things changed to a much more intimate register of conversation between us....I shared a few things about the bipolar that I had failed to mention to other friends and we both got deep into discussion...
As time went on I started to become curious about what things would be like if me and him got to know each other
as more than just friends. After all the fundamentals seemed to somehow be there, he would take me out... pay for a meal for the two of us and we would talk.

     So one night we were out on the marinea on the docks with a six pack of beer when I maged to tell him how I feel, and he told me, he felt the same...but we had agreed and talked about how this would not impact our friendship and that we would not tell anyone else at group what was going on (because oviously, this is not what group was for)
......
     Things continued on us talking.....going out on dates it was nice company, niether one of us too seriously involved
and things went well for a while.....not longer than a couple of months and one tuesday afternoon we had plans and he just didn't call or anything....I phoned 3-4 times woundering what had happened hoped he wasn't sick or something was wrong with the bipolar. Things had really picked up with school and I was working uber hard to both kep up my GPA and pass everything with at least a B. I had basicly quit going to group for a while simply out of the fact that I had been so caught up with school. I didn't hear from him either things we're just.....the way they were I guess it didn't really seem to bother me much. I guess I just went on thinking that I would see him when we went back to group and just contuie with our friendship as though this had never happened.

    So time keeps going by and finaly I find a tuesday where I am not too busy and show in. I was figuring  sure, me and him we'd patch things up as friends (although it might be a little awquard at first ((and I wasn't exactly looking forward to that))
at the end of group we congrigated in the hallway like we usually do and sure enough he asked if I needed a ride home.
When he droped me off he said we should make plans again .....although it was dreadfully awaquard and I somehow knew that we wouldn't so I gave him a hug instead of a kiss in our driveway, and then set in for the night.


     The next time I showed up to group school was out for the semester. I was happy that summer was in and since the sun is out a lot of people in our group were doing better than they were in the fall. I scaned around the room looking for him but he was no where. I finaly asked a female freind of ours if he had been around and she said he had not been in a month and a half.

     I feel guilt in all of this because I can't help but feeling like he isn't showing up to group because of me.
I already know that none of this is in anyway my fault I mean, sometimes giuys flake or deciside they are not intrested
and that it is proably for the best . Because at this point in my life I should be focused on estblishing and caring for myself finishing school and become as stable as I possibly can....and not any type of boyfriend girlfriend type stuff
But I do miss my friend and although I know I proably will not see him at group tonight I do hope that he goes
if not I might try texting him to see what is up.

   I assume this is an omen because I have typically made a particular habbit of not getting to personal with my friendships
its been a good rule of mine to live by and I consider it as a way to show respect to friends and exactly how much they really do mean.....I know more than ever now be careful about where you place the boundaries that indeed is always a good idea

oh yes and for those of you still reading I am sorry about such a long post
but I have not talked about this with anyone and I felt I needed to get this off my chest

[cfstorey]

Morning Alex, i hope you do get to hang out with your friend. Losing a close friend ***** worse than anything i know. I'd rather lost a boyfriend than a good true friend. Friends are so hard to find and can be hard to keep - like any relationship it takes work. I hope and pray you guys can keep being friends. It means alot to know you've got someone there. Thanks for the update and keep us posted - Love, Cathi

[Alex_X_18]

for those of you who have commented I have an update for this post.....
I contacted my friend Sam (the one from my support group)
I didn't expect much but he sent me a text mssage in esponce to mine
He said he showed up to the last group but didn't see me.....
(I had made plans with friends)
But he said things were doing well he has alot of classes i summer school
and asked if we could do sushi sometime....
hopefully I will speak with him in person for the next group meeting

[Alex_X_18]

I don't drink much or often
I know my limits.......
however thats a totaly seprate subject

I know what instability in friendships is like
my best friend of 6 years has physcophrenia and
lived with us at one point.....

But Not alll people in group are unstable I really thing we have a group of pretty well off people for the most part..... yes they still have an illness and some may need more help than others.
Currently most the people in our group socialize regulary
many of the folks have exchanged numbers and call someone or have someone call them when they are going through a rough time.
Whenever someone is hospitalized often times the people in our group go and visit them
he is not the only person in the group I have spent alone time with either
one girl in our group works and I often stop in while shes working to visit her
regualrly we even planed to excercise togeather...
still me and him went to a movie and ran into a guy and two girls from our group togeather
seeing the same film us us.... and even after our meetings a lot of times everyone goes out for coffee or graps a bite to eat or sometimes just a couple of them alone to talk one on one

[bpchrisb]

1. Red Flag; drinking and being BP don't mix, PERIOD. Stay away from alcohol, even if you're just drinking socially. It messes with meds and the disorder itself.

2. It can be tough to meet new people and make new friends when you're BP and I understand where you're coming from. Support groups are a good place to make friends, but I think they need to be a separate 'type' of friend. Getting into a deep, involved relationship with people from support groups can have bad consequences. Bear in mind, that many of these folks may not be stable enough to handle a relationship in a positive manner. I think that you have already experienced this with your friend; he couldn't deal with the fact that he wanted a romantic relationship and you didn't. The fact that he ditched group over this whole thing shows the he's not handling things on an adult level. And, these situations can be dangerous; I spent a week with a BP friend as he spiraled into a psychotic break. He wasn't dangerous, but there are folks out there that are. I make friends with people that aren't BP because relationships can be tough enough without being around someone who isn't stable.

[cfstorey]

I know what you mean. My ex was the same way. I could finally be myself with no worries, and we always talked about everything. big, small, whatever. So i was stunned one day when out of the blue he just left. Like you said, i thought we would talk about it. I thought we had that deep of a friendship and respect for each other. It hurts alot to realize that things aren't what we think they are sometimes.

[Alex_X_18]

its not so much making friends as the problem.......But the really high quality friendships, the ones where you feel you can open up with no regrets or inhibitions; those are rare and hard to comeby. I guess with the way I had felt about our friendship and the respect he had shown me, I figured if there was ever an issue we would simply talk it out.

[cfstorey]

Im sorry you had to go through that. I dont know if you're anything like me, but making friends, much less taking it to a boyfriend level is so hard for me. So when i do find a friend i'm always so afraid they'll leave. Maybe he did just flake, maybe he's just trying to take care of himself right now, and maybe its easier to do that without anyone else around. I just dont know. But i know how hard it is to go from having someone there consistently then all of a sudden they're gone and you have no reasons why. It makes us feel guilty, when we shouldn't. Keep us updated, i hope he comes back to group for his sake. Talk to me any time ok? - Cathi