is it ok to keep my illness a secret in a developing relationship?

[afraid2love]

I was falling in love, or at least thought I could with the ideal candidate for a marriage partner. I sent him a text that said, ' it was hard for me to say, but I suffer from maniac depressive disorder, please let's find time to tallk about this. ' well, shortly after he regretfully mentioned that he cared about me but just thought my situation could become too much to handle. (It was apparent he had done extensive research at this point). Prior to me telling him, he had never seen any signs of my illness. I was extremely hurt that my entire worth was determined by the stigma eluded to in that text message. I know face to face would have been better but I was just really afraid of rejection. Low and behold, I WAS rejected! A married friend of mine told me no one can even tell, so not to tell, especially not to a handsome, stable and shiverous prospective marriage mate. She said what he doesn't know won't hurt him and take my meds as normal with none being the wiser. On the other hand, my doctor told me never to hide any part of me and that my ideal marriage mate will not flee because of what he doesn't understand, he will love all parts of me and learn to understand and support me in every aspect of life. Feedback please, to tell or not to tell when in a flourishing relationship ...?

[afraid2love]

I couldn't agree with you more. Just as people are different, I think ways of confronting seriuos matters with varying people could also be different. One constant however, as we all agree is with the need to be open. The thing is ... with who, how, and when. From that experience I learned to wait until a person really gets to know me before telling them as quickly as a response comes from a 'hello how are you'. Telling them my name and that I suffer from bpd is not warranted nor deserved at that point. When it comes to anything intimate about oneself, we wait until trust is built before just giving someone the key to all that's in our internal storehouse. Next time I will be sure to bring this up face to face with the person I'm starting to love. Not too late and not too early. And you guyz are right, no matter what, we all deserve to be loved. Bipolar is an imperfection not a curse and real love tolerates, accepts and even cures the most malignant imperfections. Thank you soooooooo much Carcalita. :)

[afraid2love]

You bring out a good point, i did feel honesty was best. Its just when a couple of close friends saw a previous seemingly perfect bf set sail for telling him I was affected by bipolar disorder, I started to feel regret. I actually am glad I did and I learned although some friends may mean well, they just may not well understand what advice to give. Good thing in this forum there are those with whom I can relate. Thank you. :)

[Carcarlita]

I think it depends in the situation. If you don't feel comfortable then maybe that means its too soon to disclose. Every relationship is different so I don't think there is just one right answer. If you weren't comfortable telling this person in person, that tells me that you weren't very comfortable around him, and with time maybe you could possibly have felt better about telling personal information. It's important to tell people who you are close to, but don't feel pressured to tell people if your not comfortable. You don't have to. It's your business and most people don't understand bpd and are afraid of it and see it in such a negative way. I think it's really just about the timing.

[Kausus]

When you're in a relationship that looks promising, you should really be honest with your partner about everything. If they genuinely want to be with you, they won't shy away because it would be "too much to handle" - they'll stand by you and help you recover and support you when you need it. If they care, then they might actually end up being hurt by your keeping secrets about your mental health. Aside from that, keeping it all a secret can really stress you out and may make things worse between the two of you. My advice is to be honest and open. Best of luck!

[afraid2love]

All I can say is thank you. I really needed that. And yes maybe now isn't so bad but I have been hospitalized in the past and an entire medical history is hard and unfair to hide. Thanks for making me feel there could possibly be someone that will love the good, the bad, the well and even the unwell parts of me.

[Crystal413]

I have to agree with your dr. Being honest about yourself as a wole person is always the best and healthy for you. To hide this would also put a lot of stress on you. Starting a marriage with a lie ( an omission) would be unfair to both of you. If your potential soul mate doesn't except you for the illness you suffer from, he most certainly would not make a good partner, so you would want to know if this person was going to be supportive or not. On another note, I am glad you are stable with your Bipolar, that is really great. Keep in mind though, your Bipolar sx can creep up at any time in your journey with it. It may be unnoticeable to others but that doesn't mean it will always stay that way. It might but with this illness you never know. I would hate to see you marry someone, start to have noticeable sx, he doesn't have a clue as to what's happening, maybe not be able to handle it, angry that you never told him, feel deceived and bolt. I don't want you to set yourself up to get hurt.

I am happily married and my husband is very supportive and helpful with my illness. There are kind, caring and accepting men out there that won't judge you for having an illness.  If they do, they are not the right partner for you. A partner will look at you as a whole person, not just your illness. Don't be afraid to love. You will find love with the right person in your own time. Best Wishes, Crystal