Missing Hypomania

[2009toads]

I have been on Lithium for 9 months and it has definitely leveled me out.  Last fall I was in a tough place, suicidal and all over the place.

It is just now I am feeling driveless and uncreative.  In a couple of weeks I will be instructing and giving two workshops and I just can not seem to get excited about it.  I feel like I am in this world but watching it with some ambivalence and detachment.  My children help me stay connected, but even then I sometimes feel removed.

So I am missing my hypomanias, those periods of excitement, lots of ideas and just feeling more confident, extroverted, relaxed in social situaitons.  I feel like I need the lift to get through the course thats coming up and to meet the demands of my job when things get busy.  In the past it seemed like I was able to ramp up my energy to match the task at hand.

Currently I am on 900 mg Lithium and 200 mg Lamotrigine (Lamactil).  I want to stop taking my Lithium or reduce but I know if I do I will likely not be in "therapeutic levels"

Am I romanticizing Hypomania?  Is it wrong to want to hang out in that world sometimes?  If it is my own body/brain that inducing this state is it not more natural than taking a medication that I feel like robs you of these highs.

I just keep thinking if this is as good as it gets with Lithium than I want out.  I am willing to risk jumping back on the hypomania roller coaster than stay in this grey noncreative space I feel like I am in now.

Been awhile since I have posted, appreciate any response!

Todd

[opus88]

Oh you sound so much like my 38 yr old son...
He is BP(mixed state)...when in a severe state of anxiety he cannot concentrate and too becomes very suicidal. He is on Depokate not lithium but both are mood stablizers he began this (once again) June 1st after plunging  into severe depression.....this was very scary...as the suicidal thoughts wouldn't lift....he could barely function...
NOW after 10 weeks he is just beginning to 'see the light' as he puts it, he feels alive again and able to enjoy a few activities..its coming but slowly...on highs he overspends and takes chances he otherwise wouldn't that come back to haunt him too..he has a deep hole of debts to once again dig out of....but like you he also enjoys the highs, feels more sociable and creative at work and misses that.
the Depokate had to be increased slowly before the right level was achieved to give him the depression He is also on Seroquel.
I think with these drugs it will take life long adjustments and compliance in order to remain stable. Along the way there will be some highs as well as some lows..but hopefully never as severe. I hope you do remain positive and yes 'this too shall pass'

[2009toads]

Hi Xila and Opus.  Thanks for your comments and helping me put things in perspective.  I realize I am romanticizing my hypo manias.  Like you Xila, I am not as productive when I am hypo, it just feels like I am (perception is everything).

Opus, I tend to spend way too much when I am hypo and live to regret it after wards.  And if I am too long hypo, I will pay for it with the depression that follows when I come down, often in mixed state and suicidal thoughts.

So I really do not know what to do some days.  I am finding it hard to concentrate at work right now....on the internet too much, procrastinating jobs.  I hang on to the phrase "This too shall pass" but I am not sure how longer I can do this.

I will not give up, maybe if I can just accept that this is as good as it gets and get on with it?

Thanks again,

T

[opus88]

hi Todd...just curious abt you're hypomania states you say you are creative and energetic and motovated, you miss the excitment and the need the highs to meet the demands of your job.
tell me ru destructive when in a high, do u try to harm yourself or live beyond your means? Just for what reasons did u seek help and medication for in the first place?
I so think ur romanticizing the highs, our brains have a way of doing this to us....they 'trick' us into a very selective memory...
do talk this over with your doctor before cutting down on your litium its dangerous when you play with levels and these medications, if you and your doctor feel the need than he will help you withdraw.
good luck, keep us posted

[Xila31]

Well, I am a very creative person, I'm a writer, so I understand being frustrated when the creativity isn't there. I have never been on therapeutic levels of a medicine. In my experience with hypomania, I actually can be less creative then just like when I'm depressed, just because it robs me of all of my ability to focus and I have sever memory issues. So even thought I'm having 100 ideas a second, (and great ones, at that,) I forget them almost as soon as I have them. Sometimes I try to write them down and I forget what they were as I'm writing. It is annoying! I hate it! So it seems we are different in that aspect. But I can understand wanting to be in that place where it is so easy to create and get excited and missing it.

The thing about hypomania, though, even though it sounded like a more positive experience for you... it isn't good for your actual, physical brain. I'm guessing that since mania is bad for your brain, then hypomania must be also, (maybe just less dangerous all at once than a manic episode but just as dangerous over time.) I'm just guessing at this, so it would be a good thing to ask your doctor.

If you believe the meds are causing it also you should ask your doctor. You should need to be in hypomania to be creative, us creative people are just that naturally. I'm thinking if the meds are causing you problems then that is the best place to start. Then I would say to try meditating or going for walks or just trying to find some inspiration however you see fit. It is still there, you just have to find it.

Good luck, I hope things get better for you!