Paranoia or Reality?

[BeeKeeper]

How do tell the difference?  I feel as though no one believes me when I try to tell them how I feel, the side affects of all the meds I'm on, that hallucinations, etc.  I also don't think/feel that anybody really cares.  how in the world do explain to someone that's not were you are what it's like.

Whether people believe me or care really isn't my biggest issue.  My biggest concerns are the decisions I make. I know I can't always trust my sight or hearing because of random hallucinations, but what about my thinking - can i trust it?  Am I making sound decisions for me, or my family?  Am I in an isolation mode where my mindset is to push everyone away thinking that's the best for me and them - to protect them from me and any addictions/behavior?

If you have a mental disorder such as BP and BPD how do you know when your decisions are based on paranoia or reality?

[Xila31]

First off I have to say: You're not a terrible person!!!

I'm guessing right now you don't believe it, but it is true. Just because you are bipolar and maybe there are things you've done that are not so great in life, but that doesn't make you terrible. If you atone for things you are not proud of or that hurt others, you are not terrible. We all make mistakes, even those without bipolar. You are working toward recovery. You are trying to become better. You are also not terrible for having bipolar. It is like diabetes. You wouldn't tell someone with diabetes they're terrible, would you? No.

Next, I'm glad you're not having suicidal issues now. I hope that continues, but if you don't like your doctor you need to find a new one. This is your recovery, not theirs. You need to have doctors that you are comfortable with, not just because "you have to."

Lastly, no one is the same forever. We all have things that change us. That is not always a bad thing. Sometimes we have to be tested through fire, and sadly us bipolar people are those people. You sound religious, you read the Bible? Then pray on it and find a new doctor. There are people out there who can help you and in a way you feel comfortable with.

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for the response.  Part of my issues are that I don't believe niether the psychiatrist nor any of the psychotherapists I see could care less about me.  I continue to go to them because that's what i'm 'suppose' to do.  The cocktail of medications they have me on keep me from dropping too low and take alot of the suicidal ideation away.  I can lay a pistol to my head or a knife to my wrists and there is just no will to do anything further...nothing driving me to that point....though I wish there were at times.  I feel like I am walking on eggshells around everyone...trying to be,act, say what is expected of me like before i completely lost it last year...but I'm not the same person.  I may look the same, and I've tried to act and sound the same...but I'm not the same.  For all the answers my diagnosis provided for the behavior all my life, it has also condemed me and only brought to light the terrible person I really am...the one everyone refuses to see and goes on like nothing's happened...nothings changed.  As the biblical verse goes - for now I look through a glass darkly...  Whose reality is real?  If no one cares, and everyone thinks I am the same...maybe my reality is paranoia or a halucination.  A place I wish I could escape from.

[ILADVOCATE]

Having recovered as regards psychosis I can look back and see what it was though it was hard if not impossible to do a full reality test at the time. However, when I first signed up here I was not on a mood stabilizer (which I am now) so some of my thinking was somewhat grandiose but that was hard to tell as well. Now I believe I've achieved stability but that of course does not mean "cured". It just means my reality testing is close to normal although it took a long time to achieve that. If anything you are thinking is completely apart from other people's reality and you at times don't believe it you might want to speak to your psychiatrist about it.

[paranoid_cataclysm]

Usually I never act out on suspicions I have of other people because I assume it's just my paranoia talking.  If I did I probably would of ruined a lot of relationships I have with people.

[Xila31]

Well, just don't isolate too much. I mean it is one thing to try to protect people from your actions and quite another to withdraw so much that they feel abandoned. Also, I think too much isolating can actually put people like us at risk of ourselves. I know when I'm all alone for too long I can start to get some really weird ideas that are not so good for me. It is good to have someone more grounded around to bounce me back into the real world. My husband is very good at it, even if he doesn't know it.

Anyway, I still think you should ask for help if you need it. Maybe if you work with your doctor you can get some of these more difficult things in better control. And if your family is involved then they will be there to help and be there when you come out on the other side.

[BeeKeeper]

Thanks for your thoughts.  I'm not as worried about the hallucinations cloading my decisions.  I know about 90% of the time went something isn't real...even if it still scares me or "freaks me out".  What worries me is that if my mind can generate these visual/auditory hallucinations, then is it also affecting my thinking...i.e. what I think i know, I don't.  Kind of like when you act on a behavior in hypomania that you know is wrong.  I guess that is a big one too...protecting my family from me...from my actions I can't seem to control yet.  Being isolated in a way that I can stop hurting my family seems the right thing to me.  I might never find peace, but at least they can.

[Xila31]

That's a tough questions because it could be either. If you say to your doctor, no one understands or cares, they could easily take that as paranoia. Like, everyone is against me, no one gets me. But in reality it could actually be true. It isn't like the type of paranoia where you're saying, "I know that all my co-workers can read my thoughts and they're out to get me." You know?

However, I don't think that in general "no one caring" is true. I think people do care but it can be hard to know how to take care of someone. It can be tiring for people, I think, dealing with us. I don't think it isn't that they don't care so much as they don't understand and they do get tired. I guess if you brought it to your doctor in that way then it might be easier to discuss if it is paranoia or you just picking up on things.

As for decisions, that's really tough. If you are seeing and hearing things and it is effecting your decisions then it is something to talk to your doctor about. I think this is something the whole family needs to be involved in since you can't tell if what you see / hear is real, you're really going to need your support people to help you out.