Suicidal and Desperate

[Crystal413]

I have gone down hill like many other times. This feels like the worst though even though it probably isn't. I just finished looking up successful ways to die. As I've said, I've tried in the past and look, I'm still here. Obviously I don't know how to do it correctly. My husband has kept my pills locked up for a year and a half so that is not available to me. My mind wonders about the how's. I don't know what I'll do. I'm very lost and internally lonely.

I'm not asking for you tell me how. I'm asking for help to figure out how to go on if you don't have a choice. What if I'm stuck here. How do you endure the pain of continually living with this (for me) constant Roller Coaster Ride. Pdoc can't get me stable and we've tried for almost 6 yrs and I'm actually getting worse. I'm not getting breaks between these diff episodes therefore it is making my life a lonely living hell. Been on every med under the sun. Currently on Lithium,nFanapt and Klonipin. Vit too but they don't seem to help. I feel like a lost cause, like there really is no hope. My praying and hoping and constantly in therapy and regular pdoc appts have not helped because I am getting worse. I resent the fact that I have to be here. Who want's to live in pain. It's my body, my choice. Please, no lecture on leaving loved ones behind. I realize  their's no quick answer but right now I don't have one at all. I have been dealing with this for too long and I'm just not getting better. And to make matters worse, I don't feel I have the support from my husband like I use to. It's like the worse I'm getting the more I need him and he is only there when I'm in the hospital or really sucidal/depressed. I know, at least I know he's there then. But I need him the other times too. Yea, maybe he's tired too. He thinks he gives me support but we have 2 definitions for that. I need his support and I feel vulnerable, lost and lonely. My situation does not help my bipolar. And yes, I have talked to him many time, actually most of the time I even share my journal with him. But, he feels helpless and I can understand that. Don't always say your loved ones would'nt be better off without you. They have their own pain that they are living thru being with someone who has a mental illness.

Back to be ? At the beginning. I just can't go to the hospital. They can't and haven't helped me my last visit of 1 day and then I left and got help from my pdoc and a diff med. I'm scared to go back even though I know I should. I was 2 weeks ago. The on-call pdoc for aprox 60-80 patients was awful and incompetent and negligent.  I wasn't even given my regular meds including thyroid. I could just go on and on but theirs not point. The bottom line is they did not help me and they did not relieve my very bad sx. And another thing, if you have tried 1000 meds how can they help you and they may give you a med that you have taken before and didn't work. How can I be helped, I am lost and I just don't know. Do I drive far away to another and figure I won't get help because of the things I've mentioned (groups are helpful) but I think that's the only thing. I'm safe at home because my husband is here. I could go to the cvs and buy some OTC of something but to be honest I haven't a clue how much to take to OD. The Internet was not much help although I didn't look thru everything.

I have bad insomnia. Still 2,3, or 4 hrs. Sleep. I think from new med of 2 1/2 weeks ago.

Sorry this is long and disorganized. I would really appreciate your help and or advice.

[Crystal413]

Thank you very much for this info.

[toourlady89]

Hello Crystal, I am here to suggest to you to look at other ways to treat your condition. I mean to add on. I have on my research read that Magnesium deficiency could cause anxiety, depression, panic attacks, desperation, suicidal ideation, insomnia, bipolar diagnosis, body aches and pains, tics, twitches, IBS, tremors, cramps,feeling helpless, fear of the unknown, and hundreds more. There will be so much info to digest, but I am sure you will understand it as its all happening to you.Magnesium is involved in 300 body enzyme processes that lack of it will manifest in hundreds of symptoms which may be diagnosed as many different kinds of diseases but are all actually a group of symptoms from lack of Magnesium. Out of the many kinds of Mg, I have switched to Mg L Threonate as accdg to MIT research, this is the only kind that  gets thru the blood brain barrier and will help your brain better that way. I get mine on line. I also use Transdermal Mg at the same time, which is Mg Chloride  spray to speed up building it in the system.. It takes 6 to 12 months before the body will have enough Mg thru the pills, but the spray will work instantly.You just need to apply it on frequently and you can spray all over even to your face and your hair..  Eventually, the pills are much easier . Please Search on You Tube re Magnesium deficiency and you will find Dr, Carolyn Dean, the author of the book "The Magnesium Miracle" It will enrich your life I think as it has mine. It will also lead to other links to her other videos.
Transdermal Magnesium is the book of Dr. Mark Sircus  on spray Mg. He is also on You Tube re- Mg deficiency. Dr Dean's book is easier to read so get that first,  but you will love both books. Magnesium has helped me and my family with a number of health issues that our doctors were not able to diagnose. I was in the medical field as well and did not realize how important taking the right amount of Mg is until now. Mg needs to be balanced with Vit D3, B complex of the same mg per B vit, and eat calcium rich foods instead of pills.  I hope this helps you. It will take time , but it will work, you will get results right away on the anxiety and insomnia part.... there is light at the end of the tunnel..  my hopes will be for you to eventually get weaned off of most of your medications with your Doctor's approval. I wish you well. .

[Crystal413]

Thank you very much for your support. I got home tonight from inpatient. The place was not great and they had rediculous groups. Very bad program. The good thing was that I had a good Pcsychiatrist. He took me off that horrible Fanapt (for me). He put me on Resperdol. I will keep my fingers crossed that it helps. I am very weary of the potential for weight gain. If it gets to an elevating point I will have to discontinue. I have tried ALL weight neutral drugs from the Internet searches to my pdoc.  I am no longer hypomanic. I think I will look up the side effects if I feel that something is not right. I don't want anything to be preset in my mind. Been there, done that. I am extremely sensitive to meds and it has been a very long road, Lithium is the only one I have stuck to. But that alone isn't enough. I am very glad to be home and will hope for the best, I don't like the way the DBSA groups in my area are run. I did however find a great NAMI group on Tuesdays that I will continue attending. I only went once so far in the past 3 weeks due to the fact I couldn't drive on the Fanapt. Any  ideas how long this Drug takes to get out of your system? Also the pdoc at inpatient stopped me abruptly. I have only been on it for 21/2 weeks so maybe that's why. I hope this is not the kind of med that you experience withdraws from.

[Anonymouse88]

First off, if you feel like an attempt is immanent, you need to call 911.  

That being said, Persephonedemeter's right, you need an inpatient or intensive outpatient stay right now, and more support than you've been getting.  If you bring yourself in voluntarily, you'll probably get more rights than you would if you were involuntarily committed.  You can look over the paperwork (or get your husband to help you) before signing yourself in to make sure you know your rights.  Get your husband to bring your meds in a bag with you so that you will have them (they should be able to keep them away from you to keep you from od-ing but still give you the ones you need at the right time).  And talking to your insurance company beforehand and looking up reviews of different covered hospitals would be good.  If you go in yourself, you have much more choice about where you end up.  Also talk to your psychiatrist and see about going to a hospital where he has privileges or knows a lot of the inpatient docs.  That way, he can help make sure they treat you right.

Can you tell us which meds and combos you've tried over the years?  I know it ***** on the med merry-go-round, but sometimes different combinations of drugs that didn't work individually are enough to do the job.  

Having a support group, either through an outpatient program or a local DBPSA (depression and bipolar support alliance) group might help you with getting to know other people who can really understand your difficulties, and ease the pressure on your husband so that he can do a better job of supporting you.

Have you tried sleeping medications?  Having no sleep/no sleep cycle can be an emergency for bipolar if it's a destabilizing trigger, and being able to FORCE sleep (with something non-toxic or dispensed carefully by husband) might be a really good thing right now.  You should also discuss it with your psychiatrist as a more long term option, either as needed or every night if that's what it takes to stabilize you.

Please keep us updated on how you're doing.  Our thoughts are with you.

[persephonedemeter]

I just read your post again. If groups are helpful, then a partial hospitalization or day hospital may work for you. If you require inpatient, then make sure you present the insomnia as the main issue. You sounded better with some sleep. The inpatient doc does not have to mess woth your pdoc's med regime. You have the right to refuse that medication, and you can always request to talk to the doc again when that happens.

In a hospital, they have a patient advocate department. Tell the nurse that you want to talk to theatient advocate regarding your care, and that advocate will broker for you. I'm not talking wind to you, I know hospitals and I've done all this, and it's been very helpful and favorable for me.

If you find this helpful or you have more questions you want to ask me. My door is open. I will check this post or my medhelp every hour for the next 3 hours, then adjust.

[persephonedemeter]

Call your pdoc now and call 911 NOW. Tell your husband how you feel now. or show him this post if you aren't able to read it but just this paragraph.

You know that I've been there. I had the long course just like you and been desperate, frustrated and attempted suiicide just like you. I'm stable and happy and enjoying life. You are still in there. You aren't in the position to make a good decision without any sleep

When you call your doc let the doc know how you feel about the last hospitalization. You can go to another hospital. You can also call your insurance company to tell them what the last hospitalization was like and that you would like another hospital. ADVOCATE yourself. If your tired of advocating yourself, have your husband or someone else do it. You are not alone. You have people who love and care about you. Don't let this illness decide anything for you right now.