I can understand not wanting to go back but it's really better than the alternative right? If you are just having thoughts(suicidal ideation) but don't really intend to follow through then that's something that your medicine should help with but if you have a plan or are scared you might hurt yourself in any way you should go to the ER and get help.
Whenever you have suicidal thoughts you should talk to a professional,,a hotline, your doctor,, somebody. Don't worry about what happens after that. If you're alive that's all that matters the rest is just incidentals. Do you have close friends that know about your struggles? You should work on a support group if you haven't already. A support group can be as simple starting out as a hotline number on speed dial and your doctor.
Thank you. And, yes I'm on medication. But I literally just got out of the mental hospital for suicidal thoughts and am not exactly eager to go back. They've been really hesitant to put me on anything due to my age, so I'm just hoping something works. I'll definitely talk to my doctor.
Any doctor worth their salt will ask whether or not you intend to follow up on said thoughts. I have gone in before with intrusive thoughts of suicide and the realization that I didn't want to live anymore (the combo really scared me), and we had a nice discussion and I walked away with a prescription or two, which worked very well on the intrusive thoughts. Mine are especially scary because they're thoughts of doing something impulsive, like jumping in front of a train or a truck, not something more premeditated like overdosing.
The sooner you do something about them, the sooner you can get them to go away. You're in a tough spot at your age, because mood medications are more likely to paradoxically worsen your mood, so you need to keep an eye on it and report any changes, good or bad, to your doctor. Have you started any medication yet?