What Is wrong with me???

[MakeThatSacrifice]

For the last year I've been dealing with really bad irritability, I constantly have to move some part of my body, especially if I have to wait standing up...I pace back and forth nonstop while waiting for the elevator or in line at the grocery store or any time I'm standing! I have always been an introvert, but for the last year I have been isolating, and hate it when people expect me to hang out or when they even phone, I spend hours working on projects and become oblivious to everything else, including the need to eat, or clean my house. I go through long periods of time where I find it difficult to fall and stay asleep, often times I wake up only 20 minutes to a half hour after falling asleep. I also will wake up with a song playing in my head, and I will actually be tapping my foot in rhythm? With the song! I feel like when I sleep I'm not entering full REM, it feels like I'm just waiting to wake up again! I have an incredible amount of anxiety which causes me to have episodes that last for about a week, in which I have to yawn (I struggle to yawn) in order to get a meaningful breath. I have really intense conflicting emotions in which I feel a "beautiful Sadness", I think about suicide and it fills me with a rush, like adrenaline.
I go through times where I will not watch anything that causes me to be reflective or sad ( almost like avoidance.) I become politically incorrect, my humour is dark and sarcastic, and I will ony do something if it benefits me, I feel completely emotionally shut off from the people I'm supposed to love, and I won't do anything that requires me to think too long or deeply about it. I feel like I’m reacting and functioning on a shallow level all that exists is the current thought I have. I wind up making all kinds of plans that I wont follow through with, and start changing my lifestyle completely...I start putting notes on my wall that instruct me to "live each day to the fullest." I start dressing differently and adopting a new persona. The thing is each time I go through this, it seems like a positive and healthy change, until I come to my senses and realize how many immature and strange things I've done!
....Then, I'll go through times where I'll actually seek out things that make me sad, or introspective, I'll spend long hours sitting feeling the totality of humanities anguish and sorrow, here I feel like taking my own life, but in a strange detached way, Again, I almost feel ecstatic at the thought of dying.
...........Then I'll go through a phase where I feel nothing at all, but in a good way, like i'm just a spectator who cannot form a thought, I just seem to experience things around me without a reaction. In this phase (the one I actually look forward to) I don't even feel anxious, or irritable...all I feel is a "sad peace" almost like acceptance that life is painful, aswell as a wonderful curiosity!
.............And then there’s the times where I feel nothing at all, and it’s horrible, I can’t laugh, I can't get excited, I can’t cry or feel sorrow. I don't want anything, I don't feel suicidal.ijust don't care, if I die I die, if i live i live!
...............What’s weird is that I’m used to having dark debilitating depressions, not depressions that feel like a high. When I used to get depression, it was profound and deep I would dwell on everything that hurt, now “I can’t be deep” I can’t connect my thoughts in any meaningful way? If that makes sense.
The reason i mention these "phases" is because they appeared at around the same time and they don't appear in relation to my current situations. Who I was before all of this, is unrecognizable in who I am now.
I used to be passive and have always been extremely mature for my age, and I would never dream of being rude, I also had a very quiet calm nature...Now for the most part, i'm cynical, abrasive, detached, irritable, obnoxious....I don't know what to do! I have no peace within me anymore, I don't even feel like I'm a person...I feel like I'm a series of emotional states, and that who i am, depends on the current state I'm in, rather than based on what personality or identity I've shaped throughout my lifetime!
If you have experienced this or have an idea of what could cause it please let me know!....Did you ever get over it???

[MakeThatSacrifice]

I'm not on medication, I have tried being on meds but I hate the way I feel on them!
At first I thought it was because I drank too much coffee, and smoked, but I realized it was something else when I quit both those habits. Is a mixed state when you feel intense floods of ecstacy and sadness? Sometimes I have these urges to hurt someone or destroy public property,just the thought of it brings on a rush that is almost sexual, and though i haven'tt acted on these urges I have done a lot of insensitive things, hurt a lot of people. But it's tough for me because when I realize what I've done I want totry to get help...But then I go through a different phase and feel like I don't need help.
I feel like I'm justified in the way i treat others or I just have a arrogant disregard for everyone but myself. I'm worried because I'm only 23, I have my whole life ahead of me, but in one moment, in the midst of one phase I could destroy my entire future or worse!

[ILADVOCATE]

Well it would depend if you are on medication or not. If you are not on medication from what I can see you are having rapid cycling, mixed states and full manic episodes although only a psychiatrist could confirm this in full but you need to speak to one. If you are seeing a psychiatrist then perhaps treatment isn't working. I do know that some medications such as antipsychotics can cause temporary movement disorders such as akathesia can cause motor restlessness that appears mental. However, motor restlessness can also be a part of untreated bipolar. If you want clinically accurate but consumer friendly information on bipolar go to the "welcome" page and there are some websites linked up there. I have been through a lot of what you posted before I started medication except since I have schizoaffective I had psychosis as well. You definitely need to speak with a psychiatrist about this and keep a mood tracker as well to bring to them so they can further understand what is going on.