What works for others

[elwoodsf]

Well, I survived the Christmas holiday, family and myself in one piece. My depression started the 23rd, from the pit of my stomach up to my throat. I wanted to just die to eliviate the pain. I prayed to be diabetic so I could die from lack of care, I told my husband to secure all weapons within my reach. He took them off the property. I cried up to yesterday, the heaving type cry. I haven't changed meds or stopped meds. For me, the holidays do not carry happy memories. My parents disowned me for the fourth time or so. I haven't spoken to them for three years. I've tried, but they shut me out. Alcoholics. My kids went to visit them on the 22nd. My dad is dying. Since I was seven years old my dad made it a point to tell me in his drunken state that he may not be here next year for Christmas. Well, he told my kids the same thing and I think he will finally get his wish. I have been in bed since the 23rd. I am listening to my anti stress tapes. I am so tired of the manic depression part of bipolar. It is physically and emotionally painful. I ache in my bones and muscles. Today is a better day. I've decided to ask for advise. I did call my phsc. and he upped my Lexapro but I didn't follow directions for fear of the side effects he explained. I pleaded with my husband to take me to the hospital but unless I attempt suicide they will not admit me, especially this time of year with all the beds full. Besides, I only fantisized, not attempted. I did not go to my husbands family Christmas because when I get like this I say hurtful things that I normally wouldn't say. I have two more events to attend in the next few days and I don't want to go. My daughter is trying to shame me into going. I don't want to be around family right now. This is not the type of supportive family. And, as said above, I will speak something I will regret. I take out my anger in words. Please share with me. I feel all alone. Next year, I'm volunteering at shelters and food banks. I've had it with trying to put a happy holiday together when I feel like suicide would be a better celebration. Sick in Seattle ~ Please send your suggestions.

[elwoodsf]

I actually got out of the house two days ago. Went to some supportive friends house and out to dinner where we happened upon another couple we know. I laughed, had a good time. Then yesterday I was back in bed all day again. I'm sorry my dad is dying too, he doesn't have much time left - lung cancer, lymphoma (?). Chemo, etc. I've sent cards, I've called the house and my mom, the gate keeper, just slams down the phone on me. He is a third time cancer survivor and continues to drink away, even after the liver cancer. I've tried to talk to them over the years and they continue to blame me for everything - I grew up in the "Jones'" neighborhood and called their bluff when I was around 16. I was living outside of the rules of being secret so they shippped me off and told everyone I died. The abuse was horrible - to both myself and younger brother. They let me back into their lives when I was 20, then kicked me out, brought me back in, kicked me out, yada yada. Three years ago, while on a trip in Europe my dad didn't like something I said so he started to try and kick the you know what out of me, tried to break my lower legs. Thank goodness I'm faster than a 70 year old. I didn't fight back, just moved back. That was the last time I saw either parent. Now that my kids are driving they will go see them. They are cordial to my kids, thank god or I'd kick their you know whats. When my kids got home this is last week, this is when I found out how bad of shape my dad is in. I asked the kids not to tell me anymore; I can't listen to him kill himself. My parents took us all on a cruise from Florida to Los Angeles five or so years ago and on that cruise, when I was all dressed up, ready for dinner, standing on my deck, totally enjoying my space, my dad came out. He put his arm around me and told me he will never forgive me for what I did to him. HIM???? Where the hell did this statement come from? And the timing of this comment? I remained silent. I felt like I was being set up for a blow out and the cruise was only halfway through. This was at Thanksgiving, the lead up for Christmas. I haven't talked to my brother since. Don't know why. He did try to kill me in his drunken/cocaine high 25 years ago and the family begged me not to press charges. I didn't. He is very violent. I turned him into CPS 20 years ago for abusing his daughter. After that I rarely got to see any of his kids. He let into his wife on the cruise and I think this is why he want's me out of his life so he can remain silent. I'm not perfect either. I have verbally lashed out at my kids during a bipolar moment. I haven't done that for quite a few years now. I'm more honest with everyone about my moods and the kids know when to stop pushing buttons when I'm teetering on the edge, especially as teenagers. URG. I will go to MY room now.

This is the short version of my story. I am happy for your braveness in talking to your dad jst4shannel, for the weight lifted off your shoulders. Your story is different than mine but with similarites too. My mentor has suggested that I write "goodbye" letters to my parents, rather I send them or not. I keep stalling. I need an entire week alone to do that. In February I'm going to the ocean during my winter break (I work for a school district). I have gone to the ocean for a few years now during this break and I always bring my laptop. I will be in a better place then too, with all this holiday bull over.

Monkeyc ~ if you do decide to go to the snow next year, make it to a resort. We had one foot of snow and now rain. Snow looks horrible at 500 ft when it rains. Go up to a higher elevation. I hear Austria has great skiing during their season. I love Whistler, BC but it is only an 8/9 hour drive from here. With the Olympics coming in 2010 (?) it is pretty crowded right now too. The skiing is awesome though.

[monkeyc]

Its funny because I kind of do not mind the "crazy runs in the family" comments from my family members, with a BP mother it's true enough and maybe its because my family don't mean anything but support.  Then again we are all boys and boys tend to stir each other at every opportunity and you get used to it.

Family and friends can be so hard, they mean well but they have no idea what to say or do and let's face it sometimes we make it harder : ive said a lot about my wife who is having her own issue but when it comes down to it she has to live with me which is no easy feat somedays - Ive just sort of woken (sort of slept) from one of the worst nights in a long time and I am shaking and grumpy and my head is full of clutter and weird images from unsettling dreams.  How can someone normal relate to that?  And worst how can they know what to say without pushing buttons?   I have no idea how people live with us some days; its no wonder they try to say anything that they can to make us feel better.

We are going away next christmas, we decided that this week - find a resort somewhere and just be catered to - Id kind of like to see snow which means getting out of Australia so it might be a good idea.

Christmas stress is no joke - it kills normal people every year not just mentally ill people - I found this year so hard in the lead up; maybe its the economic downturn but for some reason is felt even more forced than normal.

[jst4shanell]

Look, I know that there is nothing I can really say to you to pull you out of this funk (a dangerous funk too).  I have been there and nothing made me feel better except a lot of medication and time.  My boyfriend and I took a vacation one time to "cheer me up" he said.  It was the most miserable vacation of both our lives.  I slept in the hotel the whole time.  We thought if we could just get out of our house and somewhere new it would make everything better.  Wrong.  I wish it worked for me.  I still feel like **** about spending all that money.

I'm sorry your father is dying.  You didn't say how you felt about that.  They both sound traumatizing now and when you were growing up.  It must bring back a lot of awful memories around Christmas time.  My father is dying as well.  Heroin and Alcohol.  Holidays sucked.  My dad didn't like Christmas so we got oranges and peanuts from my mom.  We didn't have anything because my father would steel it.  My Christmas' consisted of my parents fist fighting and my father always getting hauled off to jail.  If us kids ever had anything of value, my father would tell us that if we didn't give it to him to pay his dealer (lie), his dealer would murder him and it would be our fault.  Those were just some of the things I went through.
When I knew my father was dying I had mixed emotions about it.  I didn't want to say anything bad to him because he was dying and didn't want to hurt him.  But I wanted to tell him everything he did to me and how it made me feel.  At my psychologists request I told him how I really felt about him and the childhood I never had because him.  I said everything.  He told me he didn't care.  I was expecting that.  What I wasn't expecting was the way it liberated me.  I felt 100lbs lighter.  I no longer gave a **** what he thought.  He still tries to give me this guilt trip about him dying.  I just tell him he put it all on himself.
I hope i'm not way off base.  I know you are having problems with your parents.  I just want you to know that people have had similar experiences.   I hope your depression lifts soon.  There is nothing worse in the world.  There are amazing people here to talk to.  You probably think it's not really helping you, but just knowing people are there for you and understand what you really need, makes a big difference.  It's saved my *** a few times.

[horselover65]

My favorite load of you-know-what is "happiness is a choice". Gee, thanks - if only I had known!!!! I've just been making the wrong choices. Oh, silly me...  Hang in there, elwoodsaf. You're definitely not alone. I've been hypomanic for two weeks now and part of the time pretty out of it. Once I quit taking the AP (which was okayed by the shrink), I started climbing the walls again, only a little slower than before. So, it's been a wacky holiday with lots of crying, but luckily also lots of hugging. Hubby and I are alone, so it has not been as chaotic as it can be for many who have families, children, etc. all together. I have kept myself away from the holiday family madness for so long now that I can't imagine how I'd make it through. Had a family wedding in September and shared a condo with my mom... That was bad enough...

Hey, book a cruise over Christmas. It's cost-effective. Food is included. The economy means cruise prices are down. You can usually fit at least 3 people in a cabin, sometimes 4 and some lines have family cabins. Seriously. Check it out. They had Caribbean cruises starting at $43/day per person this year. Nothing better than escaping over the holidays sometimes. We did one over Thanksgiving last year. Talking about doing one for Christmas next year. It's therapeutic to snorkel or lie on a beach - or any number of warm weather things. Check out the Mexican Riviera cruises, too. Not as warm, but probably a lot cheaper than flying to Ft. Lauderdale!  Take care. :-)

[elwoodsf]

I love/loath the comment from others - "I know how you feel" or "it's all in your head, just think happy thoughts". If bipolar disease was this easy I would hand them the box of chemicals I take just to stay somewhat sane, think happy thoughts and ask them to get back to me in a month or so. I have had to go into auto pilot like you bulldozer during my manic depressive states. Sometimes I can pull it off, sometimes I can't. I did pull it off one Christmas. The day after I blew up and threw the Christmas Tree, decorations and all out the front door. I totally lost it. So now the holiday questions with my closest friends is "how is the tree? is it safe?". Yes, I do suffer being on the edge until planting season. I don't party New Years Eve anymore. This is a tough one for me too. Oh, I watch the ball drop in New York on TV, the Space Needle show on TV but that is about it. I do not make resolutions anymore, they are useless for me and they are also a set up for failure. I suggested to my family next year that we go somewhere closer to the equator for the holidays and get a nice tan for a present. No shopping, no gifts, no pressure to bake, decorate or give the cordial Happy Holidays smile. I can smile about getting a tan. I just wish we had the money to do this. Thinking about it is helping me right now. I don't know if it would help though.

[bernie40]

I'm not quite sure how I got through the past week if I'm honest.  I know I was slightly - moderately hypomanic leading up to the day and then by Christmas Day my brain kind of shut off in a sense.  So I made all the right noises, pulled the appropriate faces but my mind was a complete blank - all very strange.  Still at least it means I didn't spoil it for anyone else!

My mum knitted me a hat!  My eldest lad said I looked like the mother of the boy in "About a Boy" and he said "she was a nutter" - I said "well there you go then" and my mum cracked up then and said "Well it runs in the family, where do you think your mum got it from"!!!!

I shall feel "on edge" probably for the next few weeks until the effects of Christmas are good and gone, I don't know if anyone else feels that way.

I loathe New Year, my mood drops big time so I get through that by trying not to think about it.  I'm in bed before midnight and treat the following day like any other day.

I have no idea if this post relates to the original question or not now!!!  Concentration seems to be on the low side, ;-)

[monkeyc]

Ive always loved the term - it applies to anyone really and we all know them... I love the 'moved by the spirit' bit : ex nursing student flatmate of mine was a serious born again christian girl and never did I see more of a hypocrite in my life, i still shudder at the explosion when she found out one of her tutorial group colleagues was a lesbian - such an outpouring of pure unpleasantness about abominations and the like...  It never stopped her picking up a guy at a bar on a saturday night however.

There are hypocrites everywhere.

Diagnosis and coming out as bipolar was, I found, a good way to work out who my friends were - the ones who can't take it don't hang around long, I didnt lose many in the end and most of my friends have learned that things like "I know how you feel" are not good things to say.

My fav is still a person in my circle but not my friend who told me that nothing was wrong with me and my illness was all in my head.

I was, literally, speechless.

She never did work out what on earth made us all laugh so much for so long.

[LeftCoastChick]

Grins.. I've called them that too, really insensitive and unthoughtful, then Sunday hits and the Spirit moves them, for a few hours. Hypocrites of any variety leaves a a bad taste in my mouth, and since being diagnosed with BP, I realized I've known quite a few, I've since seperated as the bible says "the wheat from the chaff", if I'm correct :)  Being BP makes you a stronger person, our challenges are bigger, tougher and deeper, but when we succeed, we reaaaaaaaaaallly succeed. So kudos to you and what you're doing.

[elwoodsf]

Thank you for all your comments/personal sharing/suggestions. I feel better knowing that I am not alone in my suffering. I am going to take my medicine as prescribed by my doctor. I sometimes believe I know better than the professionals do, a huge disfuntion of mine. I made an appointment with my doctors. I have not had any more suicidal thoughts today and I am being honest about this with you, my bipolar friend and others. I am going to get up tomorrow, put on my boots and go for a walk in the snow, yes, a foot of snow, even if it is just to the mailbox and back. I really heard the statement about "staying in bed robs me of my life". I've been in bed for a month. I do go to work then come home and go to bed. Oh, and the Sunday morning Christians. I've never heard that before and it made me laugh. Thank you for being here and helping my day become lighter. Words cannot explain how appreciative I am.

[LeftCoastChick]

Please get immediate help, there is nothing worse than that soul wrenching pain, which I know so well. If you doc upped your meds why aren't you taking them? Believe me the side effects of non treatment are far worse then taking the pills, give the meds a chance. The only way you are going to get true help is if you help your self. The choice is yours.

[monkeyc]

I know what it can be like so you are not alone ok.  There are others out here to talk to and listen.

First things first, are you and your ok; by that I mean are you really ok - the refusal to take lexapro and the begging to go to hospital bothers me - not to mention the statement of "they wont take me" - these are all signs of deep depression along with not wanting to leave the house..  The reality is that if you think YOU are not able to cope right now then you need to go to hospital and if you are sick they will do what they can to help you.

Christmas to be frank is hard on people like us, most of us have so much emotional scar tissue that its hard to find a place without it it seems - Bipolar people collect pain and bad memories and hurts, our minds I think conspire sometimes to hurt us and so many Bipolar sufferers I know suffer this time of year because of the insensitivity (often well meaning and loving) of family and friends who cannot grasp not everyone wants to be happy - they just cannot get a grip on it yet in a week they will all be back to treating people the same way as before - what my mother called sunday morning christians...

This year has been the first ok christmas in a long time for me - my mother passed away 5 years ago on Dec 22 and it hasnt been the best time since, but for some reason this one was ok.  I well know where you are right now, ive spent some time down that road, tried the final escape hatch on my birthday once, thankfully messed u the ejection sequence...  Christmas is hard emotionally but you have a family and that's support - you have your husband and children; talk to them, let them know how you feel  - its terrifying to straight people to see someone like this, they need to understand why you cannot deal with things.

It sounds to me like your parents are not great to be around; my grandfather is an alcoholic, has been for 50 years and I havent seen him in 5 now - too many memories down so no do not feel bad you cannot deal with them - no one says you should be forced to.

Look this is the internet and I don't know you, I can write this stuff to you but what I am really doing is sitting here on an Australian summers morning worried as well about what you wrote and the only thing I can suggest is that you ring your psychiatrist and talk about alternatives if you do not want the Lexapro or go to hospital and do it - there are drugs you can take to help you climb back out of this as well; Diazepam can be a god send for exampl; but fot that you need doctors.

Your daughter cares, she does not want you sitting there alone depressed and shut off on christmas, she loves you and she's likely a bit scared as well  - maybe being around other people is a bad idea right now but sitting alone is worse, you know where that heads.

Speak to your docs ok, We're here, we can listen and advise but the docs and the hospital can give you immediate help.  Please.

[bry384]

Hi, I suffer the same problems over the holiday periods, but for some reason it has not hit me so bad this year.So I guess I have been lucky so far.
Please don't feel alone, anyone who suffers this illness knows exactly what you are going through. When I asked at my local BI-Polar help group, about 80 percent said they had real problems over the holiday periods and dealing with them especially if they were alone.
It is a good idea to do some voluntary work as long as you are honest with them and tell them you won't be in when you don't feel well. I lied when I was asked if I had any illnessses and then I was under real pressure to go in when I didn't want to. I found it wasn't so much that I was helping others that helped, it was more that I had at least some definite structure every week and I got to meet new people. So give it a try if you can.
If you are anything like me you stay in bed because it feels so secure and safe, but it is really robbing you of your life. After I have done my hiding in bed for a while, I tend to say to myself, I am going to get dressed and walk around the block and then come back to bed. Gradually I walk a bit further and don't go back to bed.
Don't forget you are not this illness, you are a unique human being with loads of great qualities and love to give. It is just at the moment you cannot see through the fog. It will clear, you have to learn to enjoy the times when it does.
Please take care and no more suicide talk. I have lost two dear friends to suicide and it will always hurt me.
Don't despair, talk to someone, even if it is through one of these damn machines, it does help.
Sorry to rant on but I have been there and got the T-shirt and I will probably be there again in a few weeks, Months or Years and you might be able to help me.
Look after yourself you are a special person.
Bry.